Saturday, September 11, 2010
Bummed. Yup, that is how I feel.
All week my weight hasn't moved - not up or down besides a few ounces here and there. I guess I am bummed because it's my TOM and I know that is why I gained 2# of water weight overnight. I've yet to lose it despite working out like a mad woman.
I feel I cannot blame it on 100% water retention. Since starting classes again, I have noticed I am drinking as much water as I should.
Also, I have been trying to eat at the caf' and it seems like everyday I am right at my upper limit or a little over. I want my value so I don't want to not use it yet I am frustrated. When I go, I eat right. I know I don't overeat. I get in. I get out. Most times I don't eat with people because I want it to be quick. No temptations. All last week I think I had one brownie otherwise fruit for dessert. This is hard when my friends, when I do eat with someone, are eating brownies or ice cream.. but I try.
Than, on top of that I want some "me" time and I don't know how to tell my friend that. I just want to be by myself this weekend. I know she misses and me all.. but I want space.
In the big picture of things, these things don't matter. I still have my family and friend. For anyone that is remembering a friend or family member, you are in my thoughts today!
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Lately, I have been caught up in losing my friendship with this guy who I happen to like romantically as well. This morning I went to the bookstore, all crabby, and was buying myself a size MEDIUM sweatshirt. Yup, a MEDIUM! I noticed the guy behind me has a handful of heavy books. So, I moved to the side so he could put them down. One of the books was from a class I have.. so I commented on it. Me keep my mouth shut?! Ha! It turns out we do have class together. I didn't recognize him from my class but he knew where I sat. I am not sure if he was flirting.. but I am taking it at the value that he noticed me for positive reasons.
It always freaks me out when people notice me. I am not sure if they notice me because I have taken roles where I stand in front of people or my looks make me stand out. Okay, let's not get all egolistic. I am saying my short, near black hair, is very unique. I am not used to being noticed for positive reasons. In High School, it seems people knew me as the easy target to pick on.
This is not the only guy that have noticed me this week. I feel like I have caught guys.. cute, athletic guys.. looking at me. I am SO not used to that. Even if they are not "checking me out", I am still getting noticed. I guess that is one of the benefits that I enjoy the most. Maybe because I never got to enjoy in High School. Maybe I should I move on from my friend as it may not too late after all.
[On a side note I also was crabby because I woke up later than I wanted to. I ended up not working out when I wanted to but I plan on a swim today after class. It will be a nice mix up as I usually do the elliptical.]
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Okay, yesterday I blogged about feeling fat. I gotta tell you that it is hard to keep feeling fat when you purposely look nice and than everyone keeps giving you compliments at how much weight I have lost. You'd think I just lost the 70# yesterday.. but that is not really how that works, lol.
Talk about losing weight, I am pretty excited that I went from a 38B to a 36B so I was able to buy new bras! I know alot of people get upset about their cup size go down but I try not to. I try to think of it as my body preparing for the rest of my body to lose weight. If my cup size does not go down but the rest of my body does, I would be so out of proportion it wouldn't be funny. I would be like Pamela Anderson or worse.. I do not, I repeat, I do NOT want those back problems. Besides, I want men to value the same package (my personality, my brain, my rocking body) than my chest.
Moving on, I started the C25K again.. it seems I start than quit.. than start than quit. I guess it doesn't matter as long as I eventually complete it. So why did I motivated to start again? Well, three things actually.
First, at the end of September I am supposed to run a 5K completely with a friend.. and I really don't want to let him (and me) down. I am only on week 3 so I need to get some solid work in before that race.
Secondly, I am on the C25K team and a thread started yesterday about starting on 9/7. It was agreed I could join them but I would just start up again at week 3. I have found that it helps to know that I am in it with someone. Like today I knew I had to do it because I already said on the thread I would. I didn't want to go back on my word.
Lastly, my sister had a conversation with my aunt that kinda upset me. My aunt is doing a HM or Marathon (not sure which) and my sister mentioned that my aunt should ask me. My aunt asked if I would be able to keep with the training regiment. This really rubbed me the wrong way for a few reasons. But, basically, it comes down to tell people that I RUN 5Ks or when I start training for MY marathon.
On a side note, in the past I mentioned that I was nervous about the meal plan. I think I have been doing alright with counting my calories while at the cafeteria. There is alot of guessing.. and hoping.. that I am picking the right things. Today, I find like I had a victory. I put my calories in for today - supper not in yet - and I was under 1200. That was right on track. I feel with some effort I can do this! It will take some trial and error.. like much of this journey.
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
For the past few weeks, I have been feeling fat. Don't get me wrong.. I still work out and eat right.. and AM going down in weight.. which is AWESOME. I kinda think it is part of habit.. But, part of me, still feels fat when I look in the mirror. Maybe it is that I still see the 260# girl.. not the 188.4# woman. I dunno..
Hope you all are feeling better than I am!
Monday, September 06, 2010
Sometimes I just need to get the hurt out so I blog. Today is one of those days.
So my friend, B, and I have been friends for awhile. This past summer he'd text me nearly every day. When he got back, our friendship wasn't the same. It was like my best friend was left at home. At first, I didn't notice it. But, than he didn't want to hang out with just me. And, he wasn't texting me anymore. Than, I noticed he wasn't sharing stuff with me. I mean like he'd share stuff with me that he'd share with a stranger but nothing deeper. I approached him about it. He said he's sorry.. says he will try to change it. Nothing else is said about it.
In the most recent time, we had plans which hasn't happened for a long time. Than, he tells me the night before he can't because his parents are coming up. I feel like I come last all the time.. like he knows I will always be there. I am not sure if I want to be there anymore. He wanted to go to a movie tonight after his parents leave but I am hanging out with a friend. Than, he wanted to have breakfast on Tuesday. I made excuses.
The thing is I am not sure if I want to hang out with him. I feel so hurt that I am always the last one and I am no longer important to him. I don't know what happened and I have no idea how to fix it. I don't want to lose my friendship. It like holding sand in your hand and just watching it slip away without being able to do a single thing about it.
Last night, we talked about it. He said that friendships change. I thought ours wouldn't. Maybe I was being naive. I emailed him last night how I felt about this whole parents thing. He said sorry and I do think he means it. I feel like I should forgive him. But, how many times do I forgive him?
I want it to go back to normal but I am not sure if it ever will. It is like something that is stretched.. once stretched, it doesn't go back to how it was. *sigh* I need to email him back but I have no idea what to say. That is how it is with him now. I don't know what to say to him anymore.
Thanks for listening..
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