Thursday, July 22, 2010
I feel like such a fraud. Like I let you all down. I am not doing as well as it seems. In fact, I am struggling. This didn't happen overnight. For a while now I have noticed my motivation dwindling. This is week it has been real bad.
I haven't tracked my food all week. For some, this is no big deal.. but for me, I have tracked everyday (but when I am at my parents). This is the first time since starting a little over a year ago that I have not felt like tracking my food.
Besides that, I went out to eat and just looked at the menu what I want to eat - not what would be the best choice for calories.
I'm even starting to not want to exercise even starting the C25K is helping. I try to mix things up but it is the same thing.
It all comes down to that I need a break.. but I am afraid if I take a break, I won't come back. The thing is I do not want to be 198 or even 195 for the rest of my life. I need to lose another at least 30#. To be honest, I don't know if I have the determination and motivation to do it.
For the past year, I have been giving 100%. It is like I don't have any energy left to give, to care. [I know to not care is a sign of depression so I am wondering if I am dealing with that once again.. just that thought makes me want to sit down and cry like a two year old about how life isn't fair. *sigh*]
Right now I feel like something doesn't change I feel I will fall off the wagon and not get back on, eventually gaining weight again. I know I need to find motivation to do it because only me can motivate me..
New plan is in order, I think.
...maintain under 200.
...continue the C25K.
...continue to train for the Cancer Walk.
I figure if I focus on these things, the weight loss will just happen which will help to motivation me. I really am not changing anything but just not focusing on the number anymore.