Thursday, June 24, 2010
So.. today I had a bad day.. nothing special really happened to make it a bad day except it wasn't as amazing as yesterday.
If you are had a bad day too.. maybe this video will cheer you up as it often does me.
Bad Day by Daniel Powter (youtube.com)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
From the moment I started this journey, I have been scared. I have been scared that the people will treat me differently because of my size. To be honest, some have. Some are nicer to me. In other cases, it seems I do not have as many people around me. This makes me sad but yet at the same time, I think I realize I don't share my outgoing, unique personality with them as I do with you guys. Even my close family and friends of the family do not quite understand why I don't date or have decent friends. They all believe I have a great personality and a huge heart as many of you have found out.
I guess part of me is scared that one day I won't have this fat as an excuse to hide behind. If someone doesn't want to form some kind of a relationship, I blame it on the weight. "Oh, they don't want to date me because I am overweight." Once the weight is gone, I will have to be honest with myself and come to terms, they don't like ME.
So as I shred more pounds, know I am shredding my protective barriers. In fact, I have noticed I am not as friendly as I have been in the past. I don't greet people as much. I don't smile. Basically, I know I am trying to protect myself from people.
You see, so many people have hurt me in the past that I am scared that these new people will do it again. In fact, in the last few years, I have formed relationships where the distance will be there and I do not have to get close.
Besides being scared that people will not truly like me as me, I am scared that I will gain it back. This is hard work. No way around it. Right now, I am at a point of life where I can focus all my energy on losing weight. All I do is attend college - I have no full time job, or family to take care of. It is just me. Once I leave college, I will have a full time job and eventually a family. I know I just will not have as much time to devout to it. It really scares me. For example, after having children I will have gained some weight. Simple, that is just how it is. I don't want to gain 20# and have to do this all over again but I see no way around it. On the bright side of things, I hope I will have the healthy living habits that I can pass down to children.
Talking of my future children, I am scared that they will become obese or overweight. I don't want that for them. Not only is teasing hard on the self esteem, being overweight is just not healthy. I want them to confident and not to hesitate in life.
I can always tell when the fear is getting to me. I plateau around an even number like 240 or 210. I always call this a mental plateau because I know it has nothing to do with my body and everything to do with the mental blocks that are going on in my head. I wish I could tell you I know how I get around them but I don't. The only thing I can think of that I distract myself from scale than it happens. And, I see the world doesn't end.
Basically, I am scared of being skinny.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Time for some updates.. and it has only been a day.
First, I weighed in at 199.6, finally. Okay, so I have been staring at that scale and waiting and waiting. I have been so close for such a long time, ok, maybe a few weeks. It was cool to finally see it. Because I don't want to be back in the 200-ville, I worked really hard today and hope to keep it up all week. I was 200-ville to be a memory!
Secondly, I have finally made a decision on the RHA position ALOT of thought and consideration. I decided to drop it. When talking to my mom about it, I figured out that I would be making less than $4/hour. If I need money that bad, I think I can definitely find a better paying one. I think, though, I am going to start volunteering this summer at a hospital. And, if I like it I will continue in the fall! So, now all I need to do is write the resignation letter. Too bad I just can't write.. I QUIT.. hehe.
The last update is a bit sad. An acquaintance that I met when I was 16 or so died Friday night on a motorcycle accident. He died at 21.. much too young. He was the type of person that was always smiling and had a vibrant personality. His wake was yesterday - on Father's Day! Can you imagine? His funeral was today. I could not go to either because I live 3 hours from our hometown and I learned last night at like midnight. So sad.. I still cannot believe he will never again smile. While part of me feels sad, the other part feels like I will see him again. I guess I will.. in heaven. RIP Matt!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Putting aside my little rant from earlier.. I realized this summer I have been overall happy. I think it is because I have been able to put myself first and focus on my classes. During the academic year, I do not get to do this that much. I find it kinda sad because, really, that is why I am here: to finish classes and complete a degree. It seems that classes are my last priority along with myself.
With these thoughts, I was thinking about next year and for the first time, I realized I do not want to fill up every second with other obligations. I just want to focus on me and my classes. Okay, so it is not a perfect world and I know I need to work some. Right now I have full-time school with a 3 part-time positions working as a Desk Worker at a Residence Hall, a Team Leader for Freshman Orientation, and being the VP of Social Programming for the Residence Hall Association. The last two pays $500 stipend and the other one pays hourly.
I am thinking of resigning the VP position. Before I accepted it, I did not know that it was highly recommended to be also involved with YAC, another student organization. Also, I have been thinking what is the point of being involved with the VP Position.. like how is it going to help me with my future. I came up empty. Instead, I would like to take those 10 hours and devout them to myself along with volunteering at the local hospital in where I could start networking with people in my field of Exercise Science. That sure would be more useful than planning events, don't you think? In addition to that, the position is at least 10 hours weekly for a stipend $500 per semester. I think that averages to be an $100 a month. I must ask myself if it is really that useful when I could be using that time to work out, focus on homework, volunteer or ALL of the above. I know during some of those 10 hours I can work on my homework.. but I also know I won't.
In addition to all that, I want to do well in my major which I am just starting this year and I want to get on the Dean's List for the first time since being at this college. Besides all that, I know that if I don't get my GPA a smidge higher or if it goes any lower, I may not be able to the National Student Exchange (NSE). The NSE is where I study at another college in the US. I am really looking forward to either going to the West or East coast. Do I really want to give that opportunity up for a mere $500? I honestly think I should be able to live on the income. On the other hand, it is recommended that you save up money for that year you are gone.
So.. you have heard most of the pros and cons.. what are your thoughts on this? Should I fill my life with crap, ah, work or try to just manage and focus on me and the task at hand?
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