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Pep Talk.. and than a vent.

Friday, June 25, 2010

This morning, I can feel it. That creepy monster that comes in and tells you all your faults. It reminds you are not perfect and never will be. Because of this, I feel I was crabby yesterday. I will not let it win. Today it will NOT! It is so bad that I just want a vacation from trying to lose weight.. or just plain quit. NO!!! I will win the war. Yes, sometimes the battles are loss but the war will be won. So today I told myself a few things to fight the monster..

My body is coming along.

I have nice shoulder blades. (I couldn't see them before.)

The arms are really coming along.

The tummy is getting smaller.

The legs are only a little tired from the solid 5 mile walk yesterday.

Yes.. you can do this!

I know I am so much more than this.. but right now, I needed the physical verification.


Edited at 10:53 am

Apparently I lied. I thought my crabbiness was behind me.. it's not. Trust me, you don't want to hear what is wrong but I have decided a few things this morning.

1) I think JM looks like a horse and find I can no longer do the shred.. today, I told her to shut up with a few curse words, lol.

2) I think I need a break from the pressure of losing weight. Any ideas how I can do without sabotaging myself?

3) I might get all dressed up today and go out drinking. Sometimes that helps to de-stress and de-crabby me. Not the best for my check book or my weight loss but I need out of this room and I NEED to relax!!!

I might take a walk but I am kinda sick of that too.. so I don't know. I know I really need a LONG relaxing walk. Maybe I will be able to do that tomorrow. That'd be nice. I tried yesterday and 5 miles wasn't long enough. Go figure!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENNY32MN 6/27/2010 9:20PM

    I splurged and had drinks last night after I discovered that Captain Morgan has the lowest calories of all alcohol. So Captain Diet it was. I didn't eat much throughout the day so I saved some calories for drinks but hopefully I didn't sabotage myself. I agree with Sheryl-- mix it up, try something new. I love yoga and feel so great after it. JM bugs me, too but I'm going to try to stick with the Shred, let's see how successful I am. Hang in there, girl and remember how many people you inspire. :)

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PATRICIAANN46 6/26/2010 4:05PM

  Have you ever tried Pilates or Yoga? My daughter-in-law is an Occupational Therapist and is very into living a healthy lifestyle. She swears by both as not only good exercise for the body, but also a way to keep boredom and depression at bay. It might not hurt to give them a try.
I KNOW you WILL NOT give up. You have come much too far for that to happen. emoticon

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SHERYLDS 6/25/2010 1:23PM

    You don't need a break, you're doing great. You just need to change the program. You're looking good and getting stronger day by day. Try a new variety of healthy stuff. Try a different trail to walk. Do something you haven't tried before. think of hitting the next number range and how good that's going to feel

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If you had a bad day like me, maybe this will cheer you up!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

So.. today I had a bad day.. nothing special really happened to make it a bad day except it wasn't as amazing as yesterday.

If you are had a bad day too.. maybe this video will cheer you up as it often does me.

Bad Day by Daniel Powter (

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHERYLDS 6/24/2010 10:06PM

    emoticon tomorrow I hope someone surprises you with something that really makes you smile. emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/24/2010 10:09:17 PM

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REVJVH 6/24/2010 9:29PM

    Great video! Thanks for sharing.

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Confession: I'm scared.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

From the moment I started this journey, I have been scared. I have been scared that the people will treat me differently because of my size. To be honest, some have. Some are nicer to me. In other cases, it seems I do not have as many people around me. This makes me sad but yet at the same time, I think I realize I don't share my outgoing, unique personality with them as I do with you guys. Even my close family and friends of the family do not quite understand why I don't date or have decent friends. They all believe I have a great personality and a huge heart as many of you have found out.

I guess part of me is scared that one day I won't have this fat as an excuse to hide behind. If someone doesn't want to form some kind of a relationship, I blame it on the weight. "Oh, they don't want to date me because I am overweight." Once the weight is gone, I will have to be honest with myself and come to terms, they don't like ME.

So as I shred more pounds, know I am shredding my protective barriers. In fact, I have noticed I am not as friendly as I have been in the past. I don't greet people as much. I don't smile. Basically, I know I am trying to protect myself from people.

You see, so many people have hurt me in the past that I am scared that these new people will do it again. In fact, in the last few years, I have formed relationships where the distance will be there and I do not have to get close.

Besides being scared that people will not truly like me as me, I am scared that I will gain it back. This is hard work. No way around it. Right now, I am at a point of life where I can focus all my energy on losing weight. All I do is attend college - I have no full time job, or family to take care of. It is just me. Once I leave college, I will have a full time job and eventually a family. I know I just will not have as much time to devout to it. It really scares me. For example, after having children I will have gained some weight. Simple, that is just how it is. I don't want to gain 20# and have to do this all over again but I see no way around it. On the bright side of things, I hope I will have the healthy living habits that I can pass down to children.

Talking of my future children, I am scared that they will become obese or overweight. I don't want that for them. Not only is teasing hard on the self esteem, being overweight is just not healthy. I want them to confident and not to hesitate in life.

I can always tell when the fear is getting to me. I plateau around an even number like 240 or 210. I always call this a mental plateau because I know it has nothing to do with my body and everything to do with the mental blocks that are going on in my head. I wish I could tell you I know how I get around them but I don't. The only thing I can think of that I distract myself from scale than it happens. And, I see the world doesn't end.

Basically, I am scared of being skinny.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALCOUNTER4LIFE 6/24/2010 12:24AM

    The college years...sigh.
You are a warm sweet person and let no one bring you down!
lol, I just thought of Alicia Keys song: "no one"
...and everything is going to be alright! :)

These are the years to find out 'who you are' while having fun. I remember a lady telling me that when I was in my college years age.
She was right and I stayed focus on what my interests were. Make a list of all the things you like to do... or would like to try. Hobbies, new interests, what your career you would like to have... or become a mother right away. I say enjoy life a little now and don't be so concerned about having a family or thinking and worrying about what will happen then. Yes, dream and plan, make goals and learn from others who have been there and done that (so you have some great advice for the future questions)... but honestly, that's where groups and google can help later (wish google was around when I had my child many years ago. :)
There's so much support out there for your future and there's so many opportunities for you now! Find your interests and stick to what's good for you and hold on to your dreams and let those men come to you girl! LOL. I'm serious now.

Enjoy the day and don't worry so much. Keep that great smile on your face and everything will work out for you.

-VG emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/24/2010 12:28:15 AM

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REVJVH 6/23/2010 10:03PM

    It's a tricky time, I think. I second PatriciaAnn46's suggestion that you find a therapist you can connect with who might help you work on some of these issues.

You've accomplished a very big thing, and that's something to be proud of. If you were only "on a diet," though, you might think of it as being over. If you're on the road to a healthier life, though, you might think of the process of making choices as a daily discipline, regardless of whether you're at "goal" or not.

I think it's great that you recognize the issues that you want to work on. That's a huge head start when you're doing the internal work.

Blessings to you!

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AMANDALYN21 6/23/2010 11:00AM


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PATRICIAANN46 6/23/2010 10:23AM

  You have learned so much and I am sure that you will put this knowledge to good use in every area of your life.
You may also want to talk to a counselor as you have touched on some areas that may benefit from his/her expertise.
You are YOUNG and that is a definite benefit.......I wish that I would have known as much as you do at your age.
YOU WILL BE FINE!!! emoticon

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LYNNDAK 6/23/2010 12:40AM

    I think it's part of your journey. People will change and so will you. As long as you are true to yourself and the good person you are - you will know who should be in your life and who shouldn't.

I just have to say that you are so honest in your blogs that I don't worry about you. Weight or not - you are just a really good person and your personality shines on here!!

Keep up the good work - you have earned my respect!!


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YPSISHRINKY 6/22/2010 10:31PM

    Thanks for putting this out there!

I'm forcing myself to live for me from now on. I do what I want to do and not let MYSELF stop me!

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POKERDONK 6/22/2010 10:27PM

    I've kind of thought I've used my weight as an excuse not to date. Now that I'm getting closer to my goal I wonder what will keep me from doing it now?!

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NIA_ON_POINT 6/22/2010 10:16PM

    You have touched on some real issues with losing weight...we hide behind it and use it as an excuse to not live. Let go girlfriend; and allow yourself to become the real you. Not the you that hides behind the weight, not even the you that wants to be a certain [pound] number. Just the friendly, outgoing unique person you are. The people who are meant to have a front row seat in your life will be there to claim it, and the others will relegate themselves to the balcony, or out entirely, as they should be.

Don't live scared...just do you!
Peace and Blessings to you, TCM emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/22/2010 10:19:47 PM

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Updates: Some good, some sad.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Time for some updates.. and it has only been a day.

First, I weighed in at 199.6, finally. Okay, so I have been staring at that scale and waiting and waiting. I have been so close for such a long time, ok, maybe a few weeks. It was cool to finally see it. Because I don't want to be back in the 200-ville, I worked really hard today and hope to keep it up all week. I was 200-ville to be a memory!

Secondly, I have finally made a decision on the RHA position ALOT of thought and consideration. I decided to drop it. When talking to my mom about it, I figured out that I would be making less than $4/hour. If I need money that bad, I think I can definitely find a better paying one. I think, though, I am going to start volunteering this summer at a hospital. And, if I like it I will continue in the fall! So, now all I need to do is write the resignation letter. Too bad I just can't write.. I QUIT.. hehe.

The last update is a bit sad. An acquaintance that I met when I was 16 or so died Friday night on a motorcycle accident. He died at 21.. much too young. He was the type of person that was always smiling and had a vibrant personality. His wake was yesterday - on Father's Day! Can you imagine? His funeral was today. I could not go to either because I live 3 hours from our hometown and I learned last night at like midnight. So sad.. I still cannot believe he will never again smile. While part of me feels sad, the other part feels like I will see him again. I guess I will.. in heaven. RIP Matt!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PATRICIAANN46 6/22/2010 11:32AM

  It is so difficult to lose someone that young!!! You have my sympathy. I have lost 2 former students at 16 and 18 and it is just so hard to think that they will never experience the rest of life.
On a LIGHTER note (Pun intended) CONGRATULATIONS on going below 200. I am very proud of you. emoticon

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LYNNDAK 6/22/2010 3:19AM

    That is really sad. It's hard to lose the good ones.

CONGRAT, CONGRATS, CONGRATS on getting below 200!!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SHERYLDS 6/21/2010 9:28PM

    Sorry you lost your friend.

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Pros and cons: RHA's VP Social Programming Position

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Putting aside my little rant from earlier.. I realized this summer I have been overall happy. I think it is because I have been able to put myself first and focus on my classes. During the academic year, I do not get to do this that much. I find it kinda sad because, really, that is why I am here: to finish classes and complete a degree. It seems that classes are my last priority along with myself.

With these thoughts, I was thinking about next year and for the first time, I realized I do not want to fill up every second with other obligations. I just want to focus on me and my classes. Okay, so it is not a perfect world and I know I need to work some. Right now I have full-time school with a 3 part-time positions working as a Desk Worker at a Residence Hall, a Team Leader for Freshman Orientation, and being the VP of Social Programming for the Residence Hall Association. The last two pays $500 stipend and the other one pays hourly.

I am thinking of resigning the VP position. Before I accepted it, I did not know that it was highly recommended to be also involved with YAC, another student organization. Also, I have been thinking what is the point of being involved with the VP Position.. like how is it going to help me with my future. I came up empty. Instead, I would like to take those 10 hours and devout them to myself along with volunteering at the local hospital in where I could start networking with people in my field of Exercise Science. That sure would be more useful than planning events, don't you think? In addition to that, the position is at least 10 hours weekly for a stipend $500 per semester. I think that averages to be an $100 a month. I must ask myself if it is really that useful when I could be using that time to work out, focus on homework, volunteer or ALL of the above. I know during some of those 10 hours I can work on my homework.. but I also know I won't.

In addition to all that, I want to do well in my major which I am just starting this year and I want to get on the Dean's List for the first time since being at this college. Besides all that, I know that if I don't get my GPA a smidge higher or if it goes any lower, I may not be able to the National Student Exchange (NSE). The NSE is where I study at another college in the US. I am really looking forward to either going to the West or East coast. Do I really want to give that opportunity up for a mere $500? I honestly think I should be able to live on the income. On the other hand, it is recommended that you save up money for that year you are gone.

So.. you have heard most of the pros and cons.. what are your thoughts on this? Should I fill my life with crap, ah, work or try to just manage and focus on me and the task at hand?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHERYLDS 6/21/2010 11:25AM

    I think you networking idea is good. In this world, being able to introduce yourself to people in your field, can get you a lot of leads for positions later.

On the other hand, VP of Social Programming for the Residence Hall Association, sounds like good training for administrative/management type skills. A plus in the minds of a lot of HR recruiters.

Comment edited on: 6/21/2010 11:26:07 AM

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