Wednesday, July 29, 2009
One learns when you are trying to lose weight, everything is connected. Often when you are stressed out or having a bad day, it can affect your weight as well as everything else. A few people on here say I am a great motivator. I do not see it but thank you. I am glad I am helpful. But even great motivators have bad days. Today is that for me!
Last night, I did not fall asleep until 3 am because I was worry about things like my finances, and school among other things. This morning (at 7 am) because I did not get much sleep I decided to skip my morning walk. I knew when I skipped it, I would probably be anxious and irritable. I did walk to work/campus so I think that helped with my anxiety. But before I left, I checked my bank account because it has been really low lately - like close to bouncing check. And when I checked it, a check bounced. Great! Just lovely! Now I have to call my mom and hear her lecture me on money. No one there so I just walked to campus. I also walked because I have like 1/8 of a tank of gas and thought I should like to save it. As I walked, I vented to my friend, Will. (Thanks Will!) When I got to work, I had more work piled on me. I hurried up and finished it by noon.
I was going to go for a walk but than I called my mom. She gave me a lecture. During this lecture, she preceeded to tell me that I need a reality check several times. She also told me that I cannot handle a checking account. Besides these very hurtful things, she told me that my life is not a mess - I just want to think that it is. Trust me, it is.. another blog, another time. But it hurt that she thinks I am just making it up. She doesn't know the half of it.. Anyhow she told me I had to tell her exactly how much I am in the hole. I lied. And told her about half the amount than it really is. I should be fine. Than she went on this tangent on how I will never pay back the money. Oh she will get the money alright. I am going to try really hard to pay her off this year.. she may have the money but her daughter is not going to visit anymore. If I do, I am going to try to visit like once every two months. It is not worth it.. to be tore down and unappreciated like that.
Before I lost 17 lbs, I was an emotional and stress eater. I know this. In the past, I usually try to sleep it off. Lately, I have been taking walks to de-stress. Well today I returned a movie at Wal-mart that I brought for a friend that has cancer and may not even make it to September to go back to school. I returned it so I could have some cash because I am supposed to go out with a friend to help celebrate her birthday. I got like $16 back. I put $5 in my tank and than brought Swiss Roll Cakes with $1.50 of it. I am taking the other $10 and drinking on it. How drunk can you be on that money? I might stop and pull a $20 out of the ATM.. I think I should be fine. I need to relax... big time! Anyhow.. today I ate like the whole box of the Swiss Roll Cakes and I dont think I am going to go work out. Since today I have ate around 2300 calories.. about 700 over of the maxium of what I am suppose to be at. I should work out I know.. but I am go frustrated and mad and hurt and I know my family does not think I am doing a good job of my life.. *sighs* And my stuff is at my parents and I think it is time I compress my stuff and move it under my move - hopefully it will all fit. Also, I am under my parents car insurance. I think I am going to look into car insurance around here along with a different bank. (My bank is a hour away. That is not very helpful and kinda expensive when I gotta pull money out.) Anyhow, I think that was my bad day..
After I wrote blog above, I was like you know I still feel have this stressed energy clinging to me.. I really should work out. It would probably make me feel better. So that is exactly what I did. I did 10 minutes on the hard elliptical and 20 minutes on the treadmill with an incline of 3. Than after that, I lifted for 30 minutes. It felt great to do something with that icky energy. Also, when weighed in today I gained two pounds but after I worked out, I was only up one pound so thats okay. I mean I could still be crabby but I am still trying to have an okay day even though I made some not-so-hot decisions. But I also made some good choices today.. I walked to campus, I ate breakfast, I worked out at the gym when I didn't want to. I know I didn't burn all the calories that I consumed when I binged but that's okay.. I am trying to do damage control.
I won't have my life all cleaned up in a day. I wont have my finances in order in a week but I can try hard to make small changes and with time, my life will look pretty damn good. I will make those changes.. I will!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
In the last couple weeks, I have noticed that I am part of the fat club. The club in where you seek out people that are also overweight. Not to help you lose weight but it makes you feel comfortable and it is secure. During those same couple weeks, I have decided I do not ever want to be part of the fat club another day, week or year. On the flip side, I think I am becoming part of the fitness club. This club is where you MUST exercise/work out. With this club, you look like you belong because you have the equipment: tennis shoes, fitness clothes, music and of course, water! I could deal with being part of this club for the rest of my life.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Today I decided to go to the gym. I haven't been to the gym since Tuesday - four days! I go to the gym for a couple reasons: to use the elliptical, to lift and to weigh myself. My friend took my scale when I first started to try to lose weight so I would have to go to the gym if I wanted to weigh myself. Now I do not want my personal scale back. At first, I was nervous about weighing myself in a place that seemed so public. My weight is a private thing. But the thing is, no one really cares. Haha! ANYHOW!
Today, when I stepped on that scale, I was really nervous. Like I really thought I was going to go up a couple pounds because all I have been doing this week is walking. It seems too simple to actually lose weight. I know I have been walking between 2-4 miles a day but still it seemed too simple. With the elliptical, I work up a good sweat but when I would walk, I would only work up a slight sweat. Well I guess walking does work.. because I lost FOUR pounds this week! I know the experts say its 20% exercise and 80% nutrition so I guess I cannot say it is because I walked like crazy this week. It probably helped that I really tried to eat all my calories. I never thought it would be that hard. Also, I went out to eat this week and instead of picking pasta, I picked a chicken wrap and fruit. So, I guess the small choices we make everyday do matter..
Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend which made me look at my goals on here. My goals on here were to work out 30 minutes 3x weekly while I was actually working out 5-6x weekly. This simply did not make sense to have goals on here that I simply did not care about and was not trying to attain them. It is like I had personal goals and the SparkPeople goals that were posted were not benefiting me. Who are the goals for me anyhow? ME, of course! Anyhow, so I changed my goals to work out 30 minutes 5x weekly even through I know I try to work out a hour a day now. But also I know I wanted to have attainable goals and if I put 60 minutes, I was afraid I would not be able to attain them. After changing my workout minutes goes, my calories seem pretty high. Before I changed my goals, my calorie goal was 1200-1500 and now it went up to 1300-1700. Does anyone else think this is really high? I was having trouble on some days on eating close to that goal. I am seriously going to be eating ALL the time.. haha!
On a side note about my work out today - I seemed to work out pretty hard today. I am not sure if it because I had four days off of the elliptical, or I was freshly motivated but I got my heart rate up to 170s. For the 30 minutes I worked out, it stayed in 160s. For me, this was impressive because it usually bounced between 140s and 150s. Most the time, I have to work really hard to get it in the 160s. I was very excited for that!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Lately, I have been walking instead of going to the gym. For my first ten pounds, I religiously worked out at the gym. It was great. Than I got bored with doing the elliptical. And I love the elliptical. It gives me a great work out. Soon, I found I did not want to go to the dreaded gym - that is when I knew it was time to put some spice in this workout of mine. I really looked at what I want to do and decided to start walking. Now, I mix it up between doing it by myself and with friends. This is working out great so far.
Today, I had plans with a friend to go on a walk. Just as we started out, it started sprinking. I was really sad because I looked forward to this all day long. Earlier in the day, I was dealing with feelings of anxiety and irritable. I have found in the past that I like working out because it makes me happy. As research have shown, it releases endorphins. Well, after a couple minutes later we went inside with me being all bummed out. It about ten minutes later when I was sitting in my room all irritable. I am not sure what happened but all a sudden I was like screw this! So what it is sprinkling.. so I get wet. I have more clothes. I went outside - and guess what?! It was no longer raining. So I had a nice relaxing walk by myself.
On this walk, I thought alot about this weight loss journey of mine. As I walking, I realized that I have a new attitude forming. I wondered who was this person that MUST exercise daily so much that she will go on a TWO mile walk by herself in the rain. What also amazed me was that I ran for the first three minutes. I think that is when I was like, "Wow, I must be really getting fit." After much thought, I have decided I do not know this new person but I like it. I also decided I do not EVER want to go back to that person. Even more, I can't wait to see the new me!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Even though I was born as a premie, as long as I can remember I have been chubby, overweight, fat, whatever you want to call it. In the past, I have tried to lose weight and was unsuccessful. I did not even lose a single pound. Personally, I think this was because heart was not into it.
Recently, I decided to try it again. This time it was for me. It was not really to attract guys in the future. (If they could not accept me at the weight I was at, than they are not the right person for me anyhow.)
It was not for my family. The family that repeatingly told me I needed to lose weight since I was young. Even before I was fat, I got the impression that I was supposed to not be happy with my body when I watched my older sisters inspect their beautiful bodies in the mirrors. By telling me that I should exercise or not eat that when they are, I feel they helped lower my self esteem and I ate my feelings rather than learned to deal with them. I know for me, this is how they were trying to be helpful. But they were making it worse by not being supportive. Also, I feel they had no tools to offer me. These said tools would be healthy eating habits, or different ways to eat.
Like I said before, I decided to try to lose weight again for ME, no one else! I did it for myself. At the age of 23, I found I was single and unhappy. (I know these tend to not need to go hand in hand.) I had such low self esteem that my friends and family (and, well, anyone else for that fact) would walk all over me. I think my utmost turning point is where I felt like a body of jello and I did not feel attractive anymore. I really wondered how this happened. I was disappointed in me. I knew something needed to change or my children are going to grow up like I did. I admit it. I have the same bad habits as my parents do. Knowing I have these bad habits, I feel by making the change first in myself I can pass down good habits rather than unhealthy ones. By doing this, I hope my children will ideally they will grow into healthy adults.
I did it! This week is the first time in my life that I can say that I lost ten pounds when I focused my energies on losing weight. It wasn't by chance or luck but hard work! That is a great feeling! I did by my own hard work. Not by having a surgery or a pill which I do not begrudge people doing but I want to say I did it though hard work and determination. I am very proud of my ten pounds even though I do not tell anyone. Inside, I hope my family and friends would notice and say something.
Now, I am going to go for another ten pounds this month. Than hopefully another ten after that. So not only is this the first ten pounds that I have lost on my own, it is the first ten pounds of my journey. I am not sure why this time is different but I feel like I can lose a considerable amount of weight. I am not saying it will be easy. I am sure I will plateau and all that stuff. For example, one of pitfalls I had was getting bored with my routine. Instead of quitting, I made a different routine that, I hope, will be new and exciting! It includes badminton with friends, Tae Bo work out video, learning to line dance, talking long random walks, and maybe even taking up Karate classes on the days I do not lift.
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