Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Okay, I really just need to vent. So frustrated with my living situation! I live with my boyfriend and his mom who is mentally disabled. His mom always comes first. He says he puts me first but he doesn't. It is always Savannah hurt her feelings. It doesn't matter if MY feelings are hurt. ARGH!
In addition to that, when I go to my boyfriend about something he is doing that hurts my feelings, he brushes it aside or he mocks me about it for the next day or so. It makes me feel like they aren't important and are dismissed. The recent was, "Oh, we wouldn't want to make Savannah upset or cry." This is hurtful. Like my emotions are not important. They ARE important!!!
I am a caring, compassionate person. This means I ask others what they want and will sacrifice myself for THEIR happiness. The problem is my boyfriend and his mom don't seem to do the same for me. Especially his mom. This morning she put on a horror movie while I am hanging out in the room even through she knows I don't like horror.
In addition to that, I feel my sensitiveness to myself and others is slammed on alot. My boyfriend repeatedly mocks how I am too sensitiveness and he is just kidding. There is only SO much kidding. With all the mocking, pretty much anything I sincerely tell him, I tell him less and well, I tell YOU, my spark friends, more.
So frustrated. I don't want to leave but as this keep occurring, I see no choice. I see my self esteem going down. I don't want my children (who I don't have yet, lol) growing up in this kind of environment, where they feel they cannot show their emotions. Show them. Deal with them healthy. I do feel I love him but I think I need more than that.
Thanks for listening!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
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Monday, April 22, 2013
When I am focused on weight loss where I trying to exercise consistently and track my food, I get focused on the scale. I start to weigh myself every day and starts to become an addiction of "I'll just weigh myself today but I'll skip tomorrow" than tomorrow comes and I do it all over again. To break this cycle, I have to ground myself from it for a while.
I have been thinking I want to get back to working out every day. I really enjoy how I feel the rest of the day. I feel like ME. I need to make much more of a commitment to ME. I also eat healthier I've noticed for the rest of the day when I've exercised in the morning.
So, I think I am going try to work out for 5 days in a row. I don't know the last time I did that. This past week I did 3 days in a row. It's possible with a little thinking ahead. So, in return for working hard for 5 days, I get to weigh myself. Rinse (rest) and repeat. Until it's a habit.
On a side note, I have a choice of two paths. One path I can become an AmeriCorp position where I can get an educational stipend, no other jobs while being an AmeriCorp member and no secure job after I am done with the commitment.
The other path is to go back to school for a Doctorate in Physical Therapy. Even through I'd be going even more in debt (not too keen on that), I think it would help in the long run. I want my children to be secure. Right now, my finances are shaky and I am not sure where I would get a job that would make them so. I simply do not have the credentials. I think I will like my new job as a PA as well. But, honestly, that cannot be a career either. Whether I go into nursing or physical therapy or something else, I know I need to get more classes in chemistry or physics. So, I have been asking around to which college in the area would be best for me. I think it will be the community college. The two classes I NEED to get into those programs, the community college has without really affecting my work schedule. That's a WIN! The next step is meeting with admissions of both college to make sure the courses would transfer and all that.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
In college, I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted to me. With reaching my weight loss goal, I thought I wanted to help people reach their own personal weight loss goals. When working in the fitness field as a Wellness Coach, Personal Trainer, Running Coach, I found I dreaded going to work. It wasn't my burning passion.
So, what is MY burning passion? It always has been helping people. I think that is why many people think I would be a good Physical Therapist. I am really caring and compassionate toward others.
In the last couple weeks, I have been training as a Program Assistant for four girls with Cerebral Palsy. The girls are so sweet and have such great, unique personalities. I am sure there will be frustrations. Right now, the frustrations is the on-staff nurse and other PAs. They either are off standish or are gossiping about other staff.
So, who am I? More importantly, who do I want to be? More and more, I think I want to be a Physical Therapist. Who works out every morning. Who runs marathons. Who has two active kids.
Anyhow, I really need to think about what I want in life... and who I want to be.. in the long term of things.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Okay, I am beyond frustrated! On Tuesday night, I decided to go to chinese. I knew I would retain water which showed on the scale. I jumped up two pounds. I refused to believe that I gained two pounds. For the last two days, I did 60 minutes on the elliptical and stayed close to my range. Today I jumped another TWO pounds. What?! There is no way I gained weight! What is going on?!!
Today I think it is understandable that I am not the most motivated to go to the gym. Why aren't I losing weight?!!!! I know part of the issue is water retention so I will try to work on that.
For now, my boyfriend's mom made french toast so I guess I am having french toast for breakfast...
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