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First Ten Pounds!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Even though I was born as a premie, as long as I can remember I have been chubby, overweight, fat, whatever you want to call it. In the past, I have tried to lose weight and was unsuccessful. I did not even lose a single pound. Personally, I think this was because heart was not into it.

Recently, I decided to try it again. This time it was for me. It was not really to attract guys in the future. (If they could not accept me at the weight I was at, than they are not the right person for me anyhow.)

It was not for my family. The family that repeatingly told me I needed to lose weight since I was young. Even before I was fat, I got the impression that I was supposed to not be happy with my body when I watched my older sisters inspect their beautiful bodies in the mirrors. By telling me that I should exercise or not eat that when they are, I feel they helped lower my self esteem and I ate my feelings rather than learned to deal with them. I know for me, this is how they were trying to be helpful. But they were making it worse by not being supportive. Also, I feel they had no tools to offer me. These said tools would be healthy eating habits, or different ways to eat.

Like I said before, I decided to try to lose weight again for ME, no one else! I did it for myself. At the age of 23, I found I was single and unhappy. (I know these tend to not need to go hand in hand.) I had such low self esteem that my friends and family (and, well, anyone else for that fact) would walk all over me. I think my utmost turning point is where I felt like a body of jello and I did not feel attractive anymore. I really wondered how this happened. I was disappointed in me. I knew something needed to change or my children are going to grow up like I did. I admit it. I have the same bad habits as my parents do. Knowing I have these bad habits, I feel by making the change first in myself I can pass down good habits rather than unhealthy ones. By doing this, I hope my children will ideally they will grow into healthy adults.

I did it! This week is the first time in my life that I can say that I lost ten pounds when I focused my energies on losing weight. It wasn't by chance or luck but hard work! That is a great feeling! I did by my own hard work. Not by having a surgery or a pill which I do not begrudge people doing but I want to say I did it though hard work and determination. I am very proud of my ten pounds even though I do not tell anyone. Inside, I hope my family and friends would notice and say something.

Now, I am going to go for another ten pounds this month. Than hopefully another ten after that. So not only is this the first ten pounds that I have lost on my own, it is the first ten pounds of my journey. I am not sure why this time is different but I feel like I can lose a considerable amount of weight. I am not saying it will be easy. I am sure I will plateau and all that stuff. For example, one of pitfalls I had was getting bored with my routine. Instead of quitting, I made a different routine that, I hope, will be new and exciting! It includes badminton with friends, Tae Bo work out video, learning to line dance, talking long random walks, and maybe even taking up Karate classes on the days I do not lift.


The start.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Today I start trying and say it is enough. Last night I felt gross - truly disgusted with my body. My body has become a body of fat jello. When I walk down the hall (mirrors at the end), I can watch myself jiggle. Ick. Only I can do anything about this..

My friend Will gently offered to help me loss weight. I told a few days ago, okay, I want to lose weight. Ever since that, he has been very excited. I am unsure if he realizes this but that has been very motivational. Like he knows I can do this even if I am still unsure.

I am kinda scared. What if I fail? I know, I know. By not trying, I have already failed. Also, I have no idea what Will has planned for me. I know there will be times that I will strongly dislike Will.. I guess the thing I am most scared about is.. if people do not like me, I cannot no longer hide behind my weight. It would be ME that they do not like - not my looks - which I having been using as an excuse..

Okay here we go. Officially, I start training with Will next week sometime. But if I don't start now, when will I?


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