Monday, December 09, 2013
Hi all! I have been thinking of how I wanted to write my next blog for a couple days. I've had a lot on my mind and I think I am going to just go with the straight forward touching base approach.
First of all, the office is the office. There was some more office drama. Everyday I am trying to figure out how to deal with it. I will most likely stay and just deal with it. Learning there is no easy button to life. The sooner I learn this the better. Sounds like I am being tough on myself but it's part of being an adult. To help me with the stuff at work, I put the photo below on my phone to see everyday. I think I am going to clean and reorganize my desk which may include moving my screen so nosy co-worker can't watch me! Bwahaha!
Next, I have been thinking A LOT about my gained weight and where I want to take my health and fitness. I think I am going to go a different approach than I originally used when I lost 100 pounds. It's different this time with a full time job, boyfriend, and so on. Anyhow, I think I am going to let go of my attachment of the scale and go with working toward a healthy lifestyle.
That brings me to the other thought. I am done with being guilty about eating food. In the last few weeks, I have noticed I have a lot of should or should not eat. And why should I not eat these foods? Isn't a healthy lifestyle eating in moderation? I want to focus on that from now on.
With this different approach, not focusing on weight loss, and focusing on living a healthy lifestyle. This does mean the weight will come off slowly because I am not going to be feel bad about eating pizza, a cookie or indulging in food. I want to live life to the fullest and I don't want to feel guilty anymore. With the thought of it coming off slowly, I think I want to aim for a two pound loss each month which means I would lose 24 pounds in a year, most of the weight I gained.
Also, I wanted to share that I am making progress with getting back to who I was, who I am. I ran 2.5 miles yesterday with slight hip tension. It felt great to see that distance again. Maybe I can work back up to 3 miles again by the end of December. It has really been bothering me and it's good to see my running is getting back to normal after working at it. If I can get it back 3 miles by end of December, I could train for a half marathon!
Besides getting my running up 3 miles again, I have also been working on working out 4 times a week. That has been consistent for the most part. I think I am going to try to workout Monday-Friday in the morning, walk at lunch, and lift in the evenings. Sounds like a lot but I think it would keep my stress (and emotional eating) in check. At the very least I want to eat healthy and exercise more!
Monday, December 02, 2013
This is not a sunshine and rainbows blog. This is a blog I wrote a few days ago about how I am feeling about my current situation when I wish there was someone to just listen... but I have no internet!
The last few months I have been really unhappy. I remember being unhappy before I joined the Y where I felt I belonged. At the Y there were a collective group of members and employees that were positive and supportive in everything you do. I have not had that kind of support and love in my life except when working at the Y.
Now being an employee at the Y isnít part of my life and I need to find a way to move on. It is like I have to grieve the Y. In addition to that, I work for a different non-profit, where there is a negative work environment.
I am really struggling with working at this non-profit. They donít say anything positive and complain all the time. When I came to this area, I was so excited for the opportunity to grow in a new community. Now, it seems so toxic. If they arenít complaining, they are talking to each other from across the room disturbing everyone elseís work. If they arenít doing that, they are picking on the newest, smallest gal (me). There have been complaints about what I wear when the ONE time I dress up, they are all up in my business when I am working, telling my boss I am not there enough and who knows what it will be next week.
This is just plain stressful. I try to plug in my headphones and ignore it. It. Does. Not. Help. I leave to do fund development (my job) in person and the entire time I am worried I am away from the desk too much or I am not doing enough while I am away.
So, now I am soaking in all this negatively, stress, and not liking who I am becoming. I thought Iíd grow but I am not growing at all. I am going backwards. I havenít learned anything new in my job. I havenít been challenged. I have no friends in the area. Itís very lonely.
I break down at least once a week due to stress of work or money. My paycheck is paid at the 90ís poverty level so I can understand how it feels to be poverty. Itís not a proud moment but I am late on my bills and rent constantly. My landlord thinks I am a bad tenant, which my landlords always thought the best of me. I am supposed to get $5,500 towards loans at the end of my term (June). I donít know if it is worth it anymore. This was supposed to be a good thing where I could grow personally and professionally. It hasnít been.
I think I need to leave this job. Not because I have gained weight but because I am so unhappy and lonely. I am becoming a negative person. Before I was this happy, inspiring, positive person. Now, I donít even want to be around me.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
In the last few weeks, I have reading Food: The Good Girl's Drug by Sunny Sea Gold. I really like this book. If you are struggling with stress or emotional eating, I would recommend it. I found I am not alone in this struggle and it helped me realize I need to get some real, solid help. I can no longer act like this isn't an issue. It is.
My body image needs help. In the last 5 years, I have been a wide array of sizes - 26, 16, 10 and now 12/14. Each size I remember hating my body. Literally, hating it. I am a beautiful woman, inside and out, and there is no reason to hate my body. Sure, I have faults but what about the rest of me.
I have decided it is time to accept me as is and love me. I am a very loving person so why do I give out my love to everyone but me, the one person in my life that needs it most. So, I am going to try to accept and love me.
If you, too, are struggling with body image, I encourage you check out the following links.
The first link is with Whitney Thompson, a plus-size model. Love that she looks like just you or me.
The second link is about the real life Barbie. Would you want to be this way? I know I wouldn't. I think I will just learn to love my body.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Before I start this blog, can anyone tell me any shortcuts to get to "Add A Blog Entry". They moved it off the main page and now it takes like 4-6 clicks before I even get to start writing!
I have been giving the number on the scale alot of thought while reading Food: The Good Girl's Drug by Sunny Sea Gold. I really love this book as it gave me some food for thought while being able to relate to it. Anyhow, back to what I was saying, the number on the scale. My 100 pound mark is 160 and honestly, I don't know if I want to go back there. Yes, I looked good and maintained for three years. But, it was a struggle to keep it at 160. I was always losing and gaining the same five pounds. Honestly, I don't know if I want to go back to that place. I don't want to panic over a couple pounds. It's not realistic nor healthy.
When I was 160, I was kinda OCD on my calorie intake and calorie burned. There should be more to life than what I eat. My life should not be revolving around food. That is some Binge Eating Disorder characteristics right there. That should be scary right there but it's not. I have know for a few years now.
I know 185-ish is not where I want to be either. More than wanting to be smaller, I want to be healthy. I want exercise and eating healthy to be regular components of my life. I want to run half marathons. Well, I think. Still weighing in on that.
Anyhow, I am considering how I want to define healthy. That is really what all this comes down to and living up to THAT expectation. Not some society unrealistic expectation of needing to be a certain size. Off the top of my head, it includes more than just being physically fit. It includes emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally... all of it. I definitely am holistic in my definition.
Being healthy means working out everyday, feeding my body good fruits and veggies, stress management by exercising and relaxing, accepting and loving my body even with any faults and meditating more.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
This week I have been thinking alot about my identity. It has really changed many times in the last five years when I lost weight. I went to someone that was a reader, overweight girl to a runner, skinny girl. Some of these identities were hard because it meant not fitting in with family or friends anymore. Maybe it also meant being an individual when I am just trying to figure who I want to me.
Than, this year happened.
I went from runner, skinny girl to I don't what who I am. I do identify with being a runner, skinny girl anymore. I am not a student anymore either. Nor a fitness expert. Nor the girl that lost 100 pounds.
Since moving, I feel like I am a nobody. No body here knows the accomplishments or even cares. They see me as an Americorp VISTA which is lower than an intern I am finding.
But, besides a VISTA, who else am I?
Female? A sister? A daughter? Those are just relations. I guess you could say I am an author or painter. But, that is more from pressure of my boyfriend.
So, who do I want to be?
A continued success story? An author? A casual runner? A marathoner? A marketing guru? A nurse?
Anyhow, I just needed to jot down these thoughts.. Maybe by acknowledging I am having a mini-identity issue, I can stop emotionally eating.
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