Sunday, May 05, 2013
It has been five days since my life has been turned upside down. It has been a constant roller coaster of emotions... up, down, sideways. It's two parts - good and bad - totally separate from the other. Each is very huge!
Part 1: I broke up with my boyfriend. Since we live together, I am here for the next month. The next two days we both were really happy to be free and it was peaceful around the house. Than the next two days I was so mad at him and myself. I questioned why I stayed, why I let him treat me that way, why I moved in, why I didn't see it before. Now, today I am really sad. He's being really nice to me and doing me favors. Things he doesn't have to do. It makes it harder. It was so much easier when I could curse about him. Now, it just hurts that there is no future. I have wondered maybe it could have worked if his mom didn't live with us or if he had a job or treated me first and not like a third wheel. In the end, I know these questions do not matter because that ship that is sailed. That doesn't mean I am not sad about seeing that ship has sailed. Around June 1st I am moving out. At supper, it was just us two at the table and we got to have some alone time which I think it made it that much worse. Anyhow, he asked if I was going on the trip with them June 8th. Sometimes we still treat each other as our loved one so I don't think he understand I won't be around.
Part 2: This part is actually really good news. I had an interview with Habitat for Humanity as an AmeriCorp VISTA member. The phone interview initially was supposed to be 30-40 minutes. Mine lasted a hour. At the end, I was offered the job on the spot. And, I accepted. This position is not in the same town as I live but rather FOUR hours away. It is away from everything I know. The community I have come to love in the last five years while in college. My parents will now be four hours away rather than the one hour. My sisters will be slightly closer to me with two hours away. I won't know anyone down there. I AM excited for the new beginnings. This upcoming weekend I will be traveling down to my sisters, attending the toxification wrap party, than checking out apartments. Than, about two weeks later, I will be moving down there. After the year is up, if I like it, I will be applying do the AmeriCorp program again. At the completion of one year, an education award will be awarded of $5,500 toward my loans. I definitely need it. I am thinking after two years, I will be going back to school for Physical Therapy. At the very least, now that I am unattached, I feel like I stretch my wings and find out where I want to go. It is exciting to move somewhere new. I am a little sad that I will miss seeing the Tall Ships or Grandma's Marathon.. anyone local need an entry for Irvin 5K? I have one and I don't think I will be using it.
As you can see, my emotions are all over the place but right now I think I need a hug so I am giving myself one, lol.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
This week I have been doing one hour workouts. For some people, it wouldn't be a big deal. Honestly, a year ago when it was a regular thing, it wouldn't have been a big deal for me either. Than, life happened. I had an internship, graduation, moved twice, and so on.
This week I did FIVE workouts over a HOUR. Each felt amazing. Four of them was consequently. I forgot how amazing the endorphin rush can feel. This week I even ran and lifted. When I was running, I was thinking how slow I was and how my running endurance has decreased. Than, I made myself stop that train of thought and focus on the endorphin rush feeling. This only made me realize I truly am an endurance athlete. It's like I could go forever and ever. It was great!
In other news, I found an TINY efficiency. There's isn't even room for a couch but that's okay. I am handing in the application this week once I get paid on Wednesday. I hope I get it. It would mean I could move out in June.
You know what is even better than being excited about the hour workouts? I am excited about life again. I am excited to be challenged by working and taking classes in Chemistry and Physics. I am excited to be looking at graduate school and applying to them. I am excited about getting my fitness level back to where it was and training for a half marathon. It feels GREAT!!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Okay, I really just need to vent. So frustrated with my living situation! I live with my boyfriend and his mom who is mentally disabled. His mom always comes first. He says he puts me first but he doesn't. It is always Savannah hurt her feelings. It doesn't matter if MY feelings are hurt. ARGH!
In addition to that, when I go to my boyfriend about something he is doing that hurts my feelings, he brushes it aside or he mocks me about it for the next day or so. It makes me feel like they aren't important and are dismissed. The recent was, "Oh, we wouldn't want to make Savannah upset or cry." This is hurtful. Like my emotions are not important. They ARE important!!!
I am a caring, compassionate person. This means I ask others what they want and will sacrifice myself for THEIR happiness. The problem is my boyfriend and his mom don't seem to do the same for me. Especially his mom. This morning she put on a horror movie while I am hanging out in the room even through she knows I don't like horror.
In addition to that, I feel my sensitiveness to myself and others is slammed on alot. My boyfriend repeatedly mocks how I am too sensitiveness and he is just kidding. There is only SO much kidding. With all the mocking, pretty much anything I sincerely tell him, I tell him less and well, I tell YOU, my spark friends, more.
So frustrated. I don't want to leave but as this keep occurring, I see no choice. I see my self esteem going down. I don't want my children (who I don't have yet, lol) growing up in this kind of environment, where they feel they cannot show their emotions. Show them. Deal with them healthy. I do feel I love him but I think I need more than that.
Thanks for listening!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
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