Tuesday, June 10, 2014
So this weekend I ate pretty crappy. Weekends are hard for me, because I don't have the schedule that I do at work, and I'm not restricted to food at work. So sure, I'll eat a bit of ice cream and why not...I'll eat another helping of potatoes. I don't track either on weekends, so I'm not even aware of how many calories I put in my body...it's that awareness that usually keeps me in track.
I had lost 5 lbs, and gained back two more before my weight in on Monday. So a net weight loss of 3 lbs, but I was sad to see the consequences of my choices. Yesterday, I also made some emotional eating choices--I gobbled starbursts when I felt stressed, and ate too much dinner because it was a potluck/social eating situation. I'm glad I'm recognizing where I struggle...because now I can do something about it.
Today my goal is to not grab candy unconsciously out of my drawer. I know I like candy, so I'll pick a few pieces to have during the day, put them on my desk, track them and keep it to that. I'll also make sure to drink water at least every other time I want to eat something. That's another thing I'm struggling with--getting enough water! I've been feeling pretty bloated lately...and I know it's because I'm retaining.
Lastly, I need to find motivation to exercise. I want to start running again outside, but I can't get myself to leave the warm confines of my bed. I guess I could always run after work...hmph. Well if I'm not going to continue at the gym, I also need to cancel my membership. Sooo many things to think about. Ok, this is getting rambly. I'm off to a better day.
Tuesday, June 03, 2014
Is it possible to already feel better after 5 days of eating healthy? I feel like I'm not as tired, in a better mood...and lighter. Haha! Now I know that my weight is not hugely different, but I weighed myself and I'm already 4 lbs lighter as of yesterday. Just by watching my calories, and trying to eat as clean as possible! I haven't really even been exercising (although that is going to change).
Nothing feels better than making good decisions for my body. I was going to say nothing feels better than being in "control" of my body, but in reality, whether I'm making good or bad decisions, I'm still in control. I need to let go of that idea that I'm "out of control" when I'm not eating healthy or taking care of myself. All of my decisions come back to whether I say "yes" or "no." Unless someone is physically forcing me to eat something, or preventing me from exercise, then I can't blame anything or anyone for the outcomes of my decisions.
"it's our choices that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities." ~albus dumbledore
Monday, June 02, 2014
I've had a lot of anxiety this morning. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I didn't go to the gym, or because I had a bit of a tummy ache, or because the days and weeks coming up seem so overwhelming. Probably a little bit of all of it. Do you ever have those days where you get up and wonder...how am I going to make it through the day? All I want to do is climb under the covers and hide from all my responsibilities...to my work, to my friends, everything.
But that's not the way the world works. I can't hide or retreat because of my anxiety, and I can't let my world crumble or pass me by. Anxiety and depression are tricky, because they make you think you can't step out and do things. But I'm learning as I move and live with these things that when I step out (literally leave my apartment where I feel so safe and where "nothing can get to me"), I realize that I can do more, and that life isn't going to overwhelm and overtake me. Anyway, that's my little tangent on my ongoing struggle with anxiety. I've found that talking about it--actually acknowledging when it happens and letting my thoughts out of the cage of my mind--helps immensely.
So I'm starting the book 100 days of weight loss again, and I ended up skipping the first four chapters and starting with the page about boundaries (I can't tell you how many times I've read those first four damn chapters. I can't do it again). The book talked about how with weight loss, there has to be a plan. Some peoples plans are more strict, and some are loose, but we have to have a plan. Instead of thinking of it as a diet, she said to imagine it as a road...sometimes the road is narrow, and sometimes it's wide, but we ALWAYS stay on the road.
When I'm thinking about driving, there are some days that I am spot on--I stay in my lane, I'm awake and conscious of other people, and it's not very hard to get to where I'm going. There are other days where I struggle--I'm tired, have road rage, and I just might not be paying attention. When that happens, I may drift into another lane, and I can feel the warning bumps from the street saying "hey, get back over there." That's how I feel about this whole weightloss journey. Sometimes I'm going to be just awesome. Working out, saying no to food I don't need, and just having a great time of it. Sometimes, I'm going to struggle to stay inside the lanes...I may veer into another lane a bit, but when I have those times, I need to remember to not just let it continue to happen (or I could crash and burn), but to correct it and keep on driving.
I'm happy to be back here.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Wow. So it's been almost a year since I've been on SparkPeople. I've started and stopped dieting, started and stopped running, joined a gym and was going at 5am then stopped that, and here I am...fed up, and ready to do something about it. It's crazy to me that 3 years ago I was 40 lbs lighter. I gained every single pound that I lost in that year back again. Well, almost. I'm not quite back to 246.6 but I'm hovering at that 243 mark after being down to about 235.
How do I feel? It's funny because I remember when I lost a bunch of weight, I looked back at pictures and thought "how could I not see how big and flabby I was?" Now, I'm looking at pictures and thinking...wow, I definitely can see how big and flabby I am now. My face feels chubby, my arms are floppy, and I just feel large. It sucks. I'm angry, and frustrated that I've allowed myself to get back to this point, but mostly...I've over it. I'm over being sad over the fact that I gained the weight back. It happened 2 years ago when I gained about 20 lbs, and then I slowly gained the other 20 lbs back, because I couldn't get myself over the fact that it was happening. I couldn't get myself to DO anything about it.
I mean, I've been dabbling in the whole weight loss/healthy eating game. But I haven't been serious. I haven't been committed. I've yearned for the days that I benefited from my hard work, but I haven't been willing to go back to that place and put the hard work in. I've said yes to so many terrible things, and no to so many things that could make my life better, more fulfilling.
I am almost 30 years old, and I'm not playing this game anymore. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself, and cling to who I was and what I did. I'm going to do something about it.
Last time, I basically ate less calories, and worked out doing DDR 60 minutes a day. I know that the eating healthy was what really helped me to lose, because I've been working out, and not eating healthy, and staying stagnant in my weight. So the whole, "eating is 90% of your weight loss" is true. I'm telling you right now. I also ate things like 100 calorie packs and things that weren't real food...I'm not going to do that this time around. I'm going to eat real, whole foods.
My goal is to sort of eat paleo--I'm not a big grains person to begin with, but I know there are some healthy ones out there so I'm not going full board with that. But I want my diet to consist of 2 servings of veggies and 1 serving of fruit with every meal, and some kind of protein. I'm going to track my calories too, and stay within a reasonable range. I'm also going to workout everyday. I think I may do yoga 2 times a week, and do 45 minutes of cardio with alternating weight lifting at the gym the other days. I was doing JM No More Trouble Zones...but that kind of kicked my butt in a discouraging way. So I'm going to save that for later on when I'm feeling a little more fit :)
My life has completely changed since I was on here last...I'm at a new job, living with a new guy, and pretty happy with life--except for my health/weight. I'll have to fill in more details later, but, here I am. Back again. I'm excited to join this community and have support. This place was another factor that really helped me and pushed me to lose and be better. Soooooooooo here we go again friends! I look forward to this next leg of the journey.
Tuesday, June 04, 2013
Oh my goodness these first couple of days of my 100 day challenge have had it in for me. Yesterday, I started off my day right, even make myself a smoothie with flaxseed and spinach and all this other yumminess. What did I do? Leave it on the counter--even AFTER I reminded myself to take it. Then, later that day, I was with the kids on a field trip, and they were running, literally RUNNING in the theater (it was a special field trip and I hadn't debriefed them before we went, big mistake). They walked, then decided to run down the stairs and as I was walking down the stairs ordering them to stop, I twisted my ankle--thankfully, I was holding on to the banister or I would have seriously hurt myself. Needless to say, my ankle is all twisty and sore today. Then today, oh today, the smoothie again. I was making it, forgot to steady the top before I let go, and it exploded all over me. Because of the cleanup, I missed my bus. Sigh. If it's not one thing, it's another. However, it's a beautiful day, I packed a yummy lunch (and managed to salvage my smoothie), and I'm going to shake it off and keep going. Hope your weeks started off better than mine!
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