Tuesday, January 17, 2012
A couple of weeks ago I received a phone call from an aunt who told me my father had a heart attack.
This is not a journey down the yellow brick road.
I have a very complicated relationship with my family. I am pretty close to both my brothers, but beyond that I have not had much contact other members of my family.
I have spent 30 years trying to repair the damage inflicted on me emotionally and mentally inflicted from a severly dysfunctional family. When my mother died in my late 20's the last thread that connected me to much of family was gone.
I originally tried to remain in contact with my father and his side of the family. He is actually my step-father, but he was the only father I had ever known. I felt like this is my family, I have to try to be close to them. (Despite all that I endured and all that I knew..) My father withdrew and moved away. I gave up being the dutiful daughter and quit trying to reach out to him. I had not spoken to him in almost 10 years.
So I got the call and despite all that has happened I got on a plane to Texas.
My father had 2 stints inserted and is doing much better. I am glad for him.
I however am not so great.
I have never fit in with my father's side of the family. My life in their eyes is a failure because I didn't marry at 20 and have 5 kids and live within 2 miles of everyone else.
So I spent an entire weekend hearing about how horrible of a daughter I am because I don't stay in touch, how my life is a failure because I don't have the things that are important in my life. I am a horrible person because I turned my back on family.
Before you all say -- don't listen to them.
Logically I know they are not right, they do no know me or how wonderful my life is. That cutting the toxic family out of my life, saved my life.
But emotionally it hurts, emotionally it still sounds true, emotionally it fuels my intense desire to cover up all the pain. How do I cover up pain... you guessed it.
I came home, just in time to hit the road again for work. I finally got back into on Sunday. My good spark bud Tory told me to take the time away to get my head together. I have to say I spent a lot of sleepless nights in that hotel. However, I actually did eat pretty well. Salads, soups and fruit.
So I am back, still fighting the emotional monster, but I haven't gotten this far by letting people pull me down. They may get their best punch in, but I always bounce back.
They will never beat me.
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