Sunday, November 15, 2009
No................ I will not, but yes I will try to do it.............again. I am sure we have all heard enough of my saying that this time I am going to do it. This time I will buckle down and do what is required, this time I will not waiver from my goals and my program. No.............I will not say it again
What I will do is stop trying to make a big deal of it and just do what I need to do...............one step at a time, one minute at a time, one hour, day and week at a time. I will stop trying to go intop a full blown program and will take baby steps as everyone has told me to do. I will reread the first step of Sparks and change things one at a time, instead of trying to change everything in one day.
So no more talk of doing it, I am just going to work at changing some small things first and build on the success I have from there.
I have so much to live for, so much I want to do and the only one who can lead me there is ME.....and some good nudges from my buddies.......and the Lord to stand guard, ready to get me back on track. I am finding I need to turn to Him more lately. To tell my troubles too, to ask for guidance and forgiveness, and to help me find the way.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Even though I will be starting before fall, its fall fix-up time.
I did something I NEVER do and when I got out of the shower I actually looked in the mirror........OUCH.........is all I can say. And I actually think I have found one of my very big stopping points when I looked in that mirror......................."what will I do with all that skin if I lose weight". then the fear grabbed me, and I asked myself the same question many different ways, with many different tones of voice and kept coming up with the same answer........."I don't know, and should I really worry about that?" And I don't know the answer to that one. So what am I to do? That is my big question now. Sounds stupid I know but I am terrified of the skin.
On another note we went to the surgeon for hubby today............he is having surgery on the 10th of August to decompress the nerves in the elbow and wrist of his right arm. Bad news is the damage will never be corrected, the best we can hope for is to stop it from getting any worse. The other bad news is that the left one is getting the same way...........good news with the left is that we may be able to save that one completely with doing another surgery on the left early.
Needless to say the stress level in the house is through the roof right now. And then there is always the money situation which is horrible right now because there is no extra money. Good news about that is that I have dusted off the business papers and will start rewriting my letters to lawyers this weekend.
More good news is that youngest is working many more hours for the rest of the summer at least, and oldest is going to start her training as a level 3 pharmacy technician/pharmacists assistant in the next week or two, and she will be working more hours also.
More good news is that the grandsons operation to put the tube in his ears went well and he is picking up new words and also the correct way to pronounce words he knows already. So its a pretty even balance between bad and good news.......which in and of itself is good news.
I will undoubtedly be working extra hours which can be a real fly in the ointment for me, but I am going to work hard to overcome that roadblock and get busy doing what I know I NEED to do. I foresee many speed bumps along the way, and many roads I may get lost on without help, so I am back...........back to all of you who can help me the most, the board family I so desperately need and love, and who will coach and coax me through the rough spots, of which I expect many....................but who better than the best of my friends who are succeeding already in their journey's to health and fitness.....................who better than all of you who have "BEEN THERE, DONE THAT". Who better than the people that know me the best. I need all of you desperately now, to keep me focused, to keep challenging me, to keep kicking me when I need it most.
So you can soon expect to see daily posts...........yes even work days. Even if its just to say............."Good Morning my buddies, had a good day or a bad day"............whichever the case may be.
So here is my pouring out of my thoughts and emotions for now. Am I scared...............Hell ya......I am terrified. A long one tonight for sure, and may not be done yet, the mind is reeling and the thoughts are flying around in my head so fast I need to do the Dr. P thing and slow them down............that in itself will be a good fight.........one that I intend to win.
Working the next 3...............and then the games will begin.
Hugs to all
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Well I got the guts to get on the scale today and a big surprise..........I havent gained anything, I havent lost, but I havent gained either. It was a bit of incentive to think more about getting another start.
Another big surprise, I actually took the time to spin for points and lo and behold...........got a whopping 20 today. I was the queen of 1 point many times in a row. It was also a nice little surprise.
I have decided to work on just taking my lunches to work with me, get plenty of exercise and water at work, but have not been taking lunch so I was buying fast food or eating junk from the machine. That will be my first step back.
Still cant figure whats at the bottom of my downfall again except the same as always........laziness. I have plenty of time for exercise, fixing foods, blogging, coming to the board, I am just too lazy. Need to force that out of me also.
I am also going to start with limiting my computer time to so much time a day and thats it. I now spend countless hours here doing nothing productive but playing games. And THAT is going to change. I will still be on quite a bit but now a good portion of the time will be my business work, yes I need to get that going yet too..........laziness again. And a portion for here for support and friend time, and a smaller portion of the day for playing games.
The more I sit and do nothing the more I want to sit and do nothing. Need to break that cycle somehow and the only way I know how is to put time limits on it. I have tons of good foods to fix in the freezer and every Monday off so what better time to fix my work lunches and also the family dinner. And to set out time to move this big butt in a fashion that will be beneficial for losing weight, not just from the computer, to the bathroom, to the kitchen to eat.
So a bit of good news, enough to get me to want to slowly work back to trying to do something again. I know I need to make more concrete plans and goals, never have done that yet. I need to stop talking and start walking, to throw out the all or nothing and accept the successes I can accomplish no matter how small they are. To learn to build on the smaller things to take steps toward the bigger things. I cant start at the top, I have to work from the bottom up.
All I do know is that I wont get any of it done if I do not come back here and get all the support and love that is here for me daily................free, just have to ask for it, and so easy for me to give back in return. Can I ever give enough back? That remains to be seen. At least I have "HERE" to come too, with the best friends a gal can ever ask for.
Thanks to you all. I love ya all bunches
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
All I do know is that I am in dire straights. I have lost all motivation, caring about myself, how I look, how I feel, pretty much have just quite caring. I have buried myself in mindless games, sleeping a LOT, nothing extra from work, I just dont care.
I eat almost nothing but junk, dont move any more than I have to and get fatter by the minute. I havent stepped on the scale for quite some time and not sure if I want to anymore. Dont get me wrong, I am still sickened by what I see in the mirror..........so I just dont look.
I do miss all of you so much I cant even begin to explain that. I cant even bring myself to come and read much of anything, havent spun for points, havent read articles like I always have. I need to get a new start but I just dont know where to begin, or if I want to put myself through another failure.
I have no willpower, no motivation, no energy, what minute little bit of self-esteem I may have had is gone out the door or window, or down the toilet, take your pick..........I just dont have any.
So until I have something to contribute or at least have stopped lying and cheating myself I wont be of much use here.
Please do know I do love you all and miss you like crazy
And Niki............here is your picture of me, the short fat one in the middle surrounded by my 2 beautiful daughters. Not a very big one but the only one I have
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