Saturday, August 03, 2013
Sigh...Well, I'm not going to focus on the negatives, so I'll start with the new and good! I've been following my plan for 5 days and so far I've lost 5 pounds and feel like I have a bit more energy. I've changed from eating total crap to eating totally healthy. No sugar, no wheat and following a really healthy 1600 calorie-a-day plan. The biggest challenge is the work involved in planning and prepping, but I know that will get easier as I go. Mostly I love the realization that I'm actually putting good fuel into my body, food that will help, heal, and energize me rather than poison me. That's kind of empowering...
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
And what a month it's been. Today here in Canada it was Bell "Let's Talk" day, in order to raise awareness of mental health issues and to encourage people to talk about it. It gave me a chance to reflect on me and my family and all the crap that's going on. I've been in crisis-mode for the past month, dealing with a really difficult situation with my son and his Christian school/church, then my daughter overdosed on pills and had to go to the hospital...and so I was just surviving. (My husband also suffers from depression.) The immediate crisis has passed -- my son's in a new school and we're dealing with the hurt that was inflicted by the school and church; my daughter's home and doing okay. But it makes me realize just how hard it is to make myself a priority. Some days I really feel like I can't -- there are literally not enough hours in the day or enough energy in my body. But, I'm back. It's amazing just how much of a cycle this all is: feel like crap, eat crap, sit too much, sleep too little, feel like crap, eat crap...When I'm done here, I'm gonna get my lunch ready for tomorrow. That's always a key for me. No lunch plan, I blow it all day. So, here we go again. I'm glad you're all still here!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
I'm sitting here at 3:46am, and just read Pixie-licious' blog about the F-word and how she didn't give in to the desire to stuff all her emotions under a binge. AS I'M READING IT, I'm wondering to myself...what kind of chocolate do I have in the cupboard? I'm dealing with so much hurt in my family right now, from church, school and friends, and it sometimes it just hits me that it's all too much.
The good news is that as soon as I had that thought, I came right here, to blog and to track. It's so easy to quit, to say it's too much right now, it doesn't really matter, I'm never going to succeed. I may as well just eat.
But I'm not going to do that. I did have some baked Tostitos and salsa, and prior to that it wasn't my best eating day, but that's okay. I'm NOT lookin for perfection. It is NOT about all or nothing as it has always been for me in the past. Have I made some good choices today? Yes. There. That's what matters. The rest of it will work itself out (or get worked out thanks to confronting...in love!). But I will be better able to deal with all of it and love my kids through it if I feel good about myself. And when I make even 1 good choice...I actually feel kinda proud. Maybe that's a sign of all the poor choices I've been making up til now, but tonight...I'm okay.
Of course these positive feelings could be gone by tomorrow, but if they are, I'll be right back here.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Well, I didn't go have a nap, but clearly I should have. Instead I figured that if I just got up and got moving I'd be okay. And I was, the tiredness passed. The crankiness...not so much.
I so much enjoy reading others' blogs to be inspired and I know that someday, my blog will inspire someone. But right now, it's really just my journal, to try and work through things and not stuff it all down with food, so...please bare (bear?) with me.
First of all , I am so thankful that I know that I know that I know that God is good. I'm glad that I know not to bother asking, "Why me? Why is this happening to my family? Why one more thing?" I know that there is no answer to that. Sh*t happens and right now it's happening to me. God is good all the time. I'm not being punished. My blessings are not being withheld...it's just life. That in itself gives me huge peace.
Having said that, the thing that does confuse me is the way I'm treated in my own home. Dr. Phil always says that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. I get that, totally, but usually that just makes me feel worse about myself. So I argue that I really am a good mom, I love my kids, I'm kind...but I'm a bit of a pushover. They just don't respect me at all. They LOVE me, I so know that. They tell me all the time and there's lots of hugs and snuggles (they're 11, 13 and 15 BTW). But they completely ignore me when I ask them to do things. Doesn't matter what it is, it doesn't happen. Then I get frustrated and I either retreat because I can't deal with the conflict in my depleted state, or I blow up. And that brings us to tonight. Blew up. Took iPods, computer time, phone, game controllers. They are mine until further notice.
On the food side of things, I did not binge after yelling. I didn't even choose a healthy snack. I went and vented to my husband (all the while eyeing the TV remotes and wondering if I could get away with taking those from him too??), finished cleaning the kitchen, poured a 1/2 a glass of wine, and here I am. I feel very very good about that. Plus 3 of my pantry shelves are clean and organized and I have a box of food to give away!
It's such a process. And I'm really only a few days into taking it seriously...
But now I MUST go to bed -- no more sparkpoints for me. Being tired is not helping anyone.
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
As I sit here I can barely keep my eyes open. I stayed up WAY too late. Again. I don't totally understand why I keep doing this. Well, that's not totally true, I do know why, but you'd think I'd be able to make a better choice and just go to bed. I know that I know that I know that I would feel better in so many different ways.
The contents of my pantry are sitting right beside me waiting to be put away and organized...I'd rather just go to bed.
I think I'm going to go have a nap, because I just about fell off my chair right there! I'm gonna try to come back later...
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