Saturday, September 25, 2010
Sadly, Lola is still missing. I'm feeling more and more like someone has taken her. I've scoured our wooded trails, checked ditches at the road, called every animal-related place I can think of (vet, shelter, pet store, etc), stopped in at the neighbours and put up multitudes of posters. If someone is looking for where Lola belongs, it should be easy for them to find us. (this is a small community) I've not given up hope yet, but 2 days on, it seems unlikely that we'll get her back.
Then last night, hubby comes home and tells me that his company is too slow to keep him employed full time & they're reducing everyone's hours by half temporarily. He'll recieve employment insurance benefits because of the reduction, but it's still a drastic reduction in income. We're a 1 income family.
And this morning, I am awakened very early with severe tooth pain. A visit to the dentist's this morning - I have an abscess. Spent $70 on medication. Sooooo very glad we have dental insurance. The emergency visit only cost me $4.25.
On top of it, it's PMS week. Can you spell "stressed"?
I'm really glad I decided to put the Halloween Challenge out there. With all of this stress, I need the extra motivation to stay on track! We're up to 19 sparkers in the challenge, so it's a definite go ahead.
Friday, September 24, 2010
I am beside myself with worry. We let Lola out for a pee last night - and she didn't come home. We live in the country and all of our neighbours know Lola, but no one has seen her. I put up posters this morning, contacted the vet & the animal shelter. She is not a wanderer... but she is very cute & a purebred... and I wonder if someone has scooped her. We've already lost 3 pets this year to old age - and now Lola is missing. It's too much.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I remember being impatient to see changes in my body. Standing in front of the mirror wondering if I could truly see a difference - or if it was just wishful thinking. I don't wonder anymore. The changes are startling. My body has become unfamiliar.
New shadows have appeared. Collarbones. Chin line. Muscle defnition. I like it. A lot.
New wrinkles have appeared. On my face, my hands, my inner thighs, my breasts. I'm wearing too-big skin. This, I don't like.
I run my hands down my body and I feel new hills and gullies. My sides feel firm. So do my outter thighs. I'm missing big pads of fat on my inner thighs. I used to be able to grab a handful. Fat from around my knees is also gone. My legs look shapely!
When I lie down, my tummy slopes down from my ribs, not up. I feel the outline of long-hidden hip & rib bones. I wonder if sex might be uncomfortable when I'm less cushiony. I wonder how much it costs for a boob-lift.
At night, when hubby holds me in his arms, I feel so small. His elbow, that used to rest on my side, now rests in front of me. Old sleeping positions aren't so comfortable anymore. So strange not to fit together the same way. Intriguing to think of him exploring this new body. Adds a little spice to this comfy romance!
I find myself moving through spaces awkwardly - like a gangly teenager. I'm no longer familiar with my own dimensions. Can I fit through that space? I have no idea until I try.
I've stopped trying to second guess if what physical challenges my body is up for. I'm so much stronger and fitter. Now I just try it. Most of the time I surprise myself by going harder, faster than I thought I could. I feel like a super athlete! I wonder how great I'll feel 50 lbs from now?
When I look at my face, it's like watching an old friend emerge. As I lose weight, I look less like my mother and more like myself. I see the resemblence to my dad's sister - the thin one. I recognize this face from childhood. Hello again!
Living in this unfamiliar body, it's disconcerting & exciting. I don't yet know what I'm capable of. The possibilities are opening up in front of me. I am an explorer heading into new territory.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
When I was 10 years old, a dentist slapped me. When he drilled on an unfrozen tooth, I pushed his hand out of my mouth. He slapped me & yelled at me that he could have drilled through my cheek! And my dentist phobia was born.
I have been compulsive about brushing/flossing most of my life... in an attempt to avoid dentists. When I absolutely HAD to go to a dentist, it was a major production involving multiple re-scheduled appointments, uncontrolled panic & constant tears. Rating it on a scale of 1-10... I'd give it a 15!
Then, I recieved an amazing gift from a dear friend, Karen. Karen's a hypnotherapist by profession. On her last visit out, she insisted that she do a hypnotherapy session with me to deal with my dentist phobia. You'd think I'd have jumped at the chance... but I hummed and hawed and procrastinated on it. Even THINKING about the dentist made my mouth ache & my heart pound. Quite frankly, I was sceptical that hypnotherapy would make much difference to such a profound phobia. But Karen was like a dog with a bone and wouldn't give up. The day before she travelled home, she got me to lie down on the couch and did her thing.
I have been to the dentist - without sedation! - 5 times in the last 2 years... most recently yesterday to have a cleaning/polish. I am so PROUD of myself for facing my fears & accepting the help I needed (abeit reluctantly). I allowed myself to CHANGE MY MIND about how I react to dentists... and I have been rewarded with shiny, pretty, healthy teeth.
This year, I noticed that my teeth were showing a lot of stain. I'd started smiling differently to cover up my teeth. I thought the staining was permanent & was sad about how it aged me. But with yesterday's appointment, the stain has been removed and I lo0k great. Hubby commented that I had a big smile on my face all evening.
How does this related to the healthy journey? Well, most obviously, taking care of our teeth is part of taking good care of ourselves. Less obviously, sometimes you have to change your mind to get the results you want.
I had become so entrenched in my thoughts about dentists, that I resisted help when it was offered. I was suffering, but I was reluctant to accept that change was even possible. I didn't accept that anyone could help me, so I refused help even when it was offered. I was stubborn in my pain.
With weight loss... 6 short months ago, I believed that I would be obese for the rest of my life. I accepted it as fact and refused any well-meaning suggestions that could have helped me. I said "I can't" alot... when what I really meant was "I won't". I was stubborn in my pain.
We're taught to be independent. To rely on ourselves. That change is entirely within our own power. Sometimes, I think this gives me a false sense of reality. If I am so powerful - but I can't change this on my own - then it must be unchangeable.
When I opened myself up to getting help & releasing my dentist phobia... the succes has been spectacular. The same thing for weightloss & getting fit. It has been opening myself up to change & to accepting help that has made a difference. Yes, the eating right/exercising/etc has been of my own doing. I have made the choice... just like I made the dentist appointment. But without the support & advice I get here, I would not have been able to these amazing changes. Thank you sparkfriends!
Update on the Halloween Challenge: I've posted the challenge here:
JEMPOWER, JLITT62, PCOH051610 & LOTUSFLOWER - I've signed you all up! I can't wait to get started!
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