Monday, May 10, 2010
1) Drink 96 to 112 oz of water daily
a. Drink 64 oz of water by Noon
2) Eat within my calorie range
3) Ask The Right Questions
a. Will this activity help me achieve my goals?
b. Will this action bring me closer to my desired future or keep me tied to my past?
4) Make great decisions
5) Complete assignment #7 (homework)
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Losing weight has been a lifelong journey for me. When I was about 2 years old, I had a severe case of tonsillitis. Per my parents, all I did was cry, I wouldn't eat and nothing comforted me. My parent would let me suck on a chicken leg bone and I guess that would quiet me down for a bit. My Dad didn't like whining or crying so they would put me in the crib in my room and let me holler and wail until I fell asleep.
I didn't realize this then or while growing up, but that set a standard of how I was to be treated for the rest of my childhood and into adulthood. Whenever I would complain, whine or cry, they would shut down and not acknowledge my pain or suffering, they rejected me and put me back into my crib in my room metaphorically.
By the time I had my tonsils removed by age 3, I was sickly and very skinny. My Dads' friend Duffy used to say, "If she ever swapped butts with a mosquito, the mosquito would lose". That is how skinny I was.
It seemed almost overnight, but after I came home from the hospital, food became my comfort and by the time I was in grade school, I was already overweight. By the 3rd grade, not only was I the fattest but I also grew several inches so I was the tallest in my class, even bigger than the boys. Of course, this led to the kids teasing and picking on me which just added to my low self esteem.
I remember different events surrounding food as a young child, like putting about a half inch or more of peanut butter on my sandwich and my Dad yelling at me for using too much. Then my parents wanted to treat us kids (I'm the youngest of 3, I have one brother and one sister) to candy bars one Friday night. I saw the candy in the grocery bags and I snuck off and ate both mine and my sisters candy and then hid the wrappers in the bathroom garbage. Of course I lied and said I didn't, that they must have forgot to buy them, but then they found the wrappers in the garbage. I was spanked for that and rightfully so.
Looking back, I believe these were subconscious actions to get attention, not positive but negative attention. I guess any attention was better than none at the time.
This is the beginning of my weight struggles that I can remember. As I remember more or as I become aware of other incidences I plan to blog about them and hope this will assist in my weight loss journey.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
I've been doing some soul searching this weekend and have realized that I have been trying to rush and push myself to lose weight and get healthy RIGHT NOW. The reason for this is because I am so motivated, which is definitely a good thing. The challenge with this is that my mind and emotions need a chance to catch up as well as my body. I have sustained an injury in my right wrist/arm, which I believe might be tendonitis and/or possibly carpal tunnel, neither of which I want.
I have decided that I want to enjoy my journey and remain injury free and by doing this, I will still reach my destination. I completely understand that there will be so called bus stops along the way, good or bad, that might hinder or excel my effort and growth. When these stops occur I plan for them to be short and need to get right back on the bus to continue on my journey.
At this point I choose to continue to do what I have set out to do, which is exercise 5 to 6 days a week, stay within my calorie goal and drink water, lots and lots of water. I still plan to utilize a personal trainer, however I may need to cut back to 1 time per week in the coming months. I would really prefer 2 times a week but I need to see where my finances are.
I love the way my body is feeling right now. I'm feeling confident and hopeful. I ran errands today, that in the past would have wiped me out physically and I would have been perspiring all the way. Instead I felt light on my feet with a spring in my step, and my posture was good and my head was held high. I received many glances in my direction today, but today I did not think they were looking at me because of my fat and size, I believe they saw my self confidence and good self esteem. I wasn't even wearing makeup and this handsome man gave me a double take and a smile.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
This has definitely been a tough week. Actually not an entire week, just a few days of it because I'm learning to reach out to people to help me get through the tough spots (thanks Leeanne).
I have a lot of weight to lose and it's not ALL just about the weight, I packed all of this on me for a reason, for emotional reasons. I believe I'm learning what they are as I drop weight. In the past, I would get to the point of emotional pain and then I would give in, eat about 5000 calories in fast food and stop exercising. That is not the case today.
This week I had to confront somebody (which is not easy for me), not over a big issue really, but I had let it become huge because I didn't deal with it right away. So by the time I spoke to this person, I was tense and anxious, and was feeling upset because 1) I had let it go for so long and 2) the person acted like it wasn't their fault.
Okay here's the deal, I pay to work out with personal trainer and he didn't measure me as a baseline. I started with him the 1st week of January 2010. In late Jan I measured myself. Then about 2 weeks ago I told him I wanted him to measure me (just in case I was doing it incorrectly and wanted it official). I figured the next time we worked out he would measure me, but he didn't. I work out with him 2 days a week. Then the next session went by, and I told him again that I wanted to be measured. Finally by the 4th session after asking him, I was frustrated. Why hadn't he measured me already? I made up all of these stories in my mind why he didn't, "I was too fat and he didn't want to touch me"; "he didn't care about me", "he only measures the skinny girls", etc. etc. Obviously these are not healthy stories and by this time I had created a barrier or wall before I even spoke to him because of these thoughts.
At that session I told him I wanted to be measured before my workout and asked him why he hadn't done it in the first place? He said "I" didn't want him to. I do not remember that, I do remember saying that I would weigh myself at home, but that was at our very first trial session before I knew that I would be training with him every week. A few weeks later I bought a very expensive package but was never asked again. Unfortunately other employees were around and overheard our discussion. I was finally measured but now I was mad and he was defensive. Needless to say, my workout with him that afternoon wasn't as good as normal. I didn't even cool down or stretch out. He also said some things to me that I might do if I became deflated or unmotivated which was basically stop working out. Which I thought was inappropriate things for a trainer to say because it plants negative thoughts in peoples heads.
Then after the work out, all I wanted to do was cry and run away and never return to the club again AND I wanted to stop by the first greasy fat food restaurant and buy the farm, but I didn't, instead I texted my friend from the club. Then with all of the will power I could muster, I walked out of the club and then started bawling when I got to my car. I drove home without stopping. At my house, my friend and I texted back and forth, then she called me. We talked it out for almost 30 minutes (I love her!!) and by the time we were done, I had decided that I will go back to the club with my head held high and I will not give up. I also journaled my thoughts on SparkPeople.com.
The next day, that is exactly what I did. I waited until I knew he would not be there though, then I went and did 50 minutes of cardio and stretched out. I even stopped to talk to a couple of the people that overheard our discussion, I didn't mention it because it is none of their business, plus we have a different relationship.
I will continue on my journey and will reach out to friends when I need to. I'm hoping that my relationship with my trainer goes well from here on out because when we click, my workouts are great. But if I need to, I will find a new trainer.
Friday, March 12, 2010
If you give up cookies, late nights and chocolate; you don't actually live longer, it just seems longer...
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