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Day 2 of the 30 day photo challenge

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Day 2 is to post a picture of my self and the person i have been closest with the longest.

I am going to post 2 people for 2 different reasons.

The first person is my Mom



We were not always close. We did not begin to forge and mother/daughter friendship until after my dads death. She always wanted this and I did not when I was in my 20's so i pushed her away. Then my dad died suddenly and that event changed my life for the better. Over time we became close and now we are good friends as well as mother/daughter.

The second person I am chooseing for this day is Joe. I was his caregiver for 8 years and we became friends, not just a staff/client relationship.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOYATLAST 4/9/2011 11:50AM

    Teresa, your words are powerful. You say so much in just a few sentences. Love it!

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WCATAP 4/5/2011 7:27AM

    How wonderful both your mom and Joe love you so much. And you are beautiful.

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DEBBIEANNE1124 4/3/2011 5:54PM

    Great pictures. And a great smile joe ave us! How has he been doing altely is he getting better?

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PEPPERLEAH 4/2/2011 11:32PM

    Great pictures! I am eagerly waiting for the next blog!

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CHAS1949 4/2/2011 10:01PM

    I love the pictures!! I'm glad you and your mom are friends. Cherish that!!

Joe looks great... He looks like he is happy to see you!! I know he is a special part of your life! I'm glad he isn't far away.

hugs
chas

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ANGELBELIEVER 4/2/2011 9:21PM

    Thank you for sharing those two people who are so important in your life. You are special to them and to me. emoticon

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30 day photo challenge Day 1

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Day 1 is to post a recient picture of myself.



I am not smiling because i do not like what I weighed in at LOL This is where i weighed in at my heavest ever at 400 pounds. I took this pic several months ago but I can definately say i am not much if any smaller yet.

I do not like this picture because I look very unkept and frummpy. Thats what happens when you finally get so fat that you really have no choice in clothing styles.....basically if it comes in your size and it fits you wear it, no matter if you like it or not....better than going naked LOL LOL

I hope in the next 2 or so years i will lose the 250 pounds I need to get off this poor worn out body of mine.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOYATLAST 4/9/2011 11:48AM

    Or you could smile anyway. It will make the time waiting pass more gracefully.

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WCATAP 4/5/2011 7:26AM

    You are going to do great. This is a great incentive.

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JUNEBUGG02 4/4/2011 9:52AM

  You are beautiful! Please do not let your weight define you. Those of us who struggle with this weight thing can get very negative about ourselves, and make the struggle harder. I pray that God will show you how to see yourself the way He does, as his very precious child!

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_CYNDY55_ 4/4/2011 1:41AM

    ✫ You Can Do It ✫ emoticon emoticon

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ANGELBELIEVER 4/2/2011 8:17PM

    I'll look forward to your blogs and watching you slim down at a healthy rate. I know you can do this. I am keeping you in my prayers that the Holy Spirit will guide you as we know He is with you at every second of your life. He will give you strength. Enjoy your journey. emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 4/2/2011 8:18:05 PM

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PEPPERLEAH 4/2/2011 11:04AM

    I am looking forward to the upcoming blogs, too! I am so excited for you!!!!!

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CHAS1949 4/2/2011 4:10AM

    Yay You!!!! Your first day done!! The rest will be easier than this one...or at least more fun!
I am looking forward to the next 29 blogs!!! I will be checking in as they appear!!!! Have fun and thanksi in advance for sharing a little bit of YOU with us!!!
many huga
chas

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Does confidence equal courage?

Monday, March 21, 2011

Does confidence equal courage?

This is something I have been bouncing around in my mind for a while. I wondered if I was couragious about something did that mean i was also confident? Hummmm.

I think of a situation of where I need to kill a spider. I am afraid of spiders so for me to get close enough to kill it I have to find the courage to get that close. But does that mean I have confidence in my ability to kill it the first try so it does not jump at me or fall on me? Hummmmmm.

I sure dont feel confident as I couragiously get close enough to try to kill the spider. In fact as soon as i take my swing and make contact with the object it is on i actually run out of the room afraid to look to see if I even hit it and it is dead. Maybe that does not mean confidence. maybe that just meant I was only half couragious. Enough to attempt but not enough to stick around for the results. Hummmmmmm.

I did find some confidence during my time training Joes new staff at his new home. I felt confident in explaining things and answering questions about Joe but I did lack courage to accept their offer of the pizza that was ordered and I was invited to partake in. I instead choose to eat my dry peanut butter sandwhich. It was not that i did not want some pizza as I really did want some and i know that would have tasted better than my peanut butter sandwhich but i lacked the courage to be the fat visiting staff grabbing some pizza to eat in front of strangers.

So was my fear of eating the pizza in front of strangers a lack of courage or confidence or are they really both the very same thing. Hummmmmm

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOYATLAST 3/23/2011 2:08PM

    I'm so happy you experienced confidence with your meeting!!! You took your place and met with success. Yay!

I believe courage is always connected with fear. You take action to deal with that spider because otherwise you fear his presence lurking around in the house with you.

You brave girl!

Confidence pretty much does away with the fear. You are trusting yourself or someone (God) or something else.

My guess is you courageously ate your sandwich because you were confident that eating pizza would have brought harsh judgments down on you.

Confidence operates without fear. It chooses to eat pizza or not based on what Teresa decides for herself.

Anyway, that's my opinion. I still have a lot to learn! Confidence is taking my life out of the arena of fear. It's a whole other world!!!

When fear comes, I am dealing with it. Then courage gets me started in the right direction until confidence takes over.

Does that make sense? Can you tell I've given a lot of thought to this? LOL

Love ya,
Joy



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JUNEBUGG02 3/22/2011 9:22AM

  I think of courage as stepping out of our comfort zones to do the right thing. That comfort zone may be determined by our confidence. So, it may take an act of courage for you to accept a slice of pizza, whereas some folks would not think anything of it. I am praying that God will let you see what He sees when He looks at you - as His precious, dearly loved child!

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WCATAP 3/22/2011 9:01AM

    Oh Teresa I hate to see you thinking about weight and how others perceive you, over relationship and comraderie. Courage is to just put those stinky thoughts behind you and confidence is joining the group with their lunch offerings, rather than excluding yourself. I love how Jesus always got right in there with the group, not tinking of formalities, but of relationships. He showed the love of God by being a part of their world, rather than separate because the "rules" may have dictated that he should worry about how his actions would be perceived. WWJD? Love you!!!

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CHAS1949 3/22/2011 12:04AM

    I hope you see your value to the staff!! They were not thinking of your weight, they were thinking of their own hunger. You could have had a piece, but if that triggers you wanting more, then the peanut butter was the good choice.

I hope you start seeing the positive self!! She is strong, kind, and talented. Look at all you did (and still do) for Joe.

You, my friend, are a wonderful giving person.



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DEBBIEANNE1124 3/21/2011 10:33PM

    I think it's the same thing. you think a little like me. i hate eating in public places for fear of what others think.

Have you read my blogs?
I'm 28.6 pound down since Feb 16.that's confidence and courage.

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Searching for confidence

Monday, March 07, 2011

I am on a journey searching for confidence. I am praying about confidence and for confidence. I am reading about confidence and doing mental exercises on the subject.

I have been stuck a bit on exercise one which has you picture a slightly more confident self standing in front of me and i am to step inside that more confident self and observe body posture, etc etc etc.

What has me stuck is i have tried so hard to picture that more confident self just as i am now(overweight) but everytime it is a much thinner and fit me. I know that is not a wrong picture of confidence but I dont want the concept of confidence based on a smaller size because I need to find my confident self now, at this weight.

so i keep working on this allusive confident me at my current size and i know I will get there. I know the hang up mentally has to do with how i have talked to myself internally for all of my adult life. I was one of the people who had the mentality of " I will be _______ once i am thinner." so now I have to undo these tapes.

I need this new found confidence soon as I go to train staff on Joe at his new group home on the 17th and 18th and I am scared to death to do this ONLY because of my size. I hate being the FAT lady walking into a new and unfamiliar environment and it has been causing me tremendous stress thinking about having to do this very soon.

So please, please, please pray hard for this obstacle in my life!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAMASHAWN 3/16/2011 11:14AM

    This is my struggle, as well. Especially through this last life-change. I'm praying to see myself in a better light NOT based on my weight. This has been VERY hard to separate my feelings about myself from my feelings about my body. I'm learning that it's hard to hear all of the nice things others are saying about me over my own inner voice, which has been very loud and even abusive at times. I've resisted the concept of how important it is to love yourself (just as it applies to me). But I know that I will struggle with this until I truly learn to see myself with the same unconditional love that God sees me.

I know that God would want us to win this battle. I know how I'd feel if one of my children felt this way about themselves. It would break my heart. I'm so glad that we are working on this here. One day, you and I will have that glory moment of saying, "Look what I did!" But, along the way, we each need to find out what there is to love inside of us. And then, we need to feel it.

Here's to a great realationship... you with who you are, and me with who I am. And each of us, with our Abba Father.

Take care!
Shawnee emoticon

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GRIFF2734 3/8/2011 9:02PM

    Hi Teresa I agree with all here and the only thing I can add is the word of the Lord

Jeremiah 17:7-8

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
8 They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”

Keep being who you are in the Lord Teresa you are blessed and the Lord has given you a precious gift. Remember you are his child and he loves you very much and so do we. Much love to you dear friend

Jesus first


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JUNEBUGG02 3/8/2011 1:27PM

  Your care-taker skills and compassion are your qualifications for your job - your size is unimportant. My mother had some wonderful caretakers who were large ladies, and I still love them dearly for all they did for her. I'm sure your client feels the same way. Your training can be so helpful for your client, and these new care-takers are looking to you for guidance. Even though you may judge yourself by your size, it is unlikely that others do. Just be yourself and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. I really like Joyatlast's quote about how other people's opinions of us is none of our business - what a great perspective.

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JOYATLAST 3/8/2011 8:26AM

    What other people think about us is none of our business.

That quote brought such freedom in my life!

Your career has nothing to do with how you look physically. They have asked you to come, NOT to decorate the surroundings, but to share your knowledge and expertise.

Focus on Joe! What you are doing will influence his life long after you're gone.

And for all you know, the people you will be teaching are just like us! Not all that impressed with outward appearance. emoticon

Go get em, tiger! emoticon

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WCATAP 3/8/2011 7:52AM

    I will pray girlfriend....But this is not an obstacle this is an opportunity. An opportunity to try out your new found confidence on a temporary group in your life. People are not s focused on weight as we think they are. While we think about our weight they are hearing our words.

You are the perfect one to train a group on Joe's needs. Just the fact that they have asked you to do it should bolster your confidence. And mostly how he looks at you, reacts to your presence that's the real testimony.

Be confident you have earned this. Studying, praying, and being mindful of your level of confidence has brought you blessings. This is an opportunity to put into practice all you are learning. God has presented you with this opportunity to shine, in an area where He knows you can be successful. He is a loving father.

We love you, He loves you now love yourself. Be confident. You can do this.....Jewell

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CHAS1949 3/8/2011 12:20AM

    As so many others have said, you are a special person. You are caring, loving, and very skilled at what you do.

I hope you can do some self-talk and tell yourself what a wonderful person you are. Weight is a stumbling block only in that it's hard to get around. You can start to fix that little by little. It has nothing to do with how well you care for others.

So, I will be praying that you hold your head high and show Joe's new caretakers the things you know that work with him. You are a valuable part of his team even though you are not assigned to him right now. Your time and experience with him will be enough to help you explain to the new people.

Good luck
many hugs
chas

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PEPPERLEAH 3/7/2011 11:34PM

    Teresa, I am praying for you. You have so many wonderful qualities! You are such a loving and caring person! You have so much to offer those people you will be coming in contact with! Try to remember, above all, that God loves you just as you are. He thinks you are pretty wonderful! And then remind yourself that God doesn't lie; so you might as well accept His thoughts about you!

I do understand where you are coming from. I think we all do. I think that everyone struggles with image of self for whatever reason they may have. Too tall, too short, too thin, too heavy, crooked nose, dingy teeth, acne, unruly hair, and on and on and on. Society has taught us that we should fit the mold of some super model, etc. But the truth of the matter is those people we are supposed to fashion ourselves after and strive to be like have problems, too. And if they were to come clean and tell us their REAL feelings, we would find that they have insecurities, etc. just like the rest of us do.

I will tell you this. When it comes to friends, and to someone who knows how to reach out and care for others and treat people with love, respect and kindness, they just couldn't find anyone better than you.

Hold your head high, and remember that you have the support and encouragement of your MANY Spark Friends! (You have your own fan club!) And, how awesome that you will be able to see Joe again for those 2 days!

We don't quit; we take it one day at a time. And, we are moving in the right direction! Those goals are getting closer all the time!

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FITNESSDIVA23 3/7/2011 11:12PM

    It takes a lot of confidence just to write out a blog post like that! You will get through these obstacles and achieve your goals!

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Feeling blue

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Today has been a down day for me. I have just been in a sad kinda funk all day. I do know where the sadness is coming from so that is good, i guess LOL

One thing that began the process was a long anticipated package finally arrived and I was so excited it finally came as it was a treat to myself. I had ordered underwear and tennis shoes from womenwithin. Well the underwear is a joke as it is not really made for people with my type of big saggy hanging abdomen in the front.......the butt area was so baggy and the front waist band barely sat at my pubic line instead of the waist so they will not work for me at all. Then i got the shoes out and tried them on and there is no way i can wear them as they are not wide enough for my foot and too long in the length so they are not usable either.

I sat and cried!

I ordered these 2 very much needed items from them because i can charge them on their charge card(that's the only way i can afford to buy clothing and necessities right now) So now I have $120 worth of unusable items that i need to send back to them, minus 1 $20 package of underwear since I put on one pair to try them on LOL.

I still need underwear badly but that will have to wait for another payday and I will go back to K-mart and hope they have my size in stock. As far as shoes, well that will have to wait probably until i get my tax refund back to afford that out of pocket.

So anyway, my long anticipated treat to myself buying something for me did not work out and I was devastated only because I know i cant buy these 2 needed items out of pocket(checking account or cash) as I have no extra left over for these kind of things right now.

So I found myself crying over the items not fitting, my lack of funds to buy the necessities once again and just being sooooo tired of living barely from paycheck to paycheck.......that is why i am trying so hard to get out of debt(even though i do have to charge clothing from that company as I can no longer buy any clothing in a regular store as they are all too small).

The other thing that has had me feeling blue all day today was i have been fighting a headache for 2 days now that will not go away.

Don't get me wrong as I am not throwing myself a pitty party but i do feel sad and frustrated when i read about all the things others are able to buy for themselves as rewards or just in casual talk about great finds they saw and bought and i am not able to do that.......I am just so weary of all my income going to creditors leaving nothing left for "me"

When you think about it, it is pretty sad to think that finding a way to buy needed underwear and shoes is looked at as a treat to myself. A treat should be something I dont NEED but something I have been WANTING......I pray that will be my reality some day.

Thanks for reading my down and sad vent kinda blog today.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOTUSFLOWER 3/2/2011 3:46PM

    Sending emoticon your way! I love what the other women have said, and just wanted to send you my support.

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CHAS1949 2/27/2011 1:08PM

    I hope today is a better day for you. The disappointments you had yesterday are awful. I hope you find somewhere in town to buy shoes or under garments!! What about Salem? Please tell me what I can do to help. I am not that far away.

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chas

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PEPPERLEAH 2/27/2011 9:56AM

    Teresa, I am so sorry things happened the way they did. I am in agreement with GRIFF and JOY. My husband and I just finished watching Joel Osteen a few minutes ago, and ge quited one of my favorite scriptures; weeping may last for the night, but Joy comes iin the morning.

Things are going to get better for you. There are times of such trials and tribulations we wonder if the sun is EVER going to rise. It ALWAYS does, and this, too, shall pass.

I am praying for you, for your finances and needs to be met.

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MOMZO52 2/27/2011 8:52AM

    Teresa, I know exactly how you feel. You work so hard in a job that is physically, mentally and emotionally demanding, and then come home and live paycheck-to-paycheck...how many of us are in your shoes! I am praying for you. I know that God will take care of you---sometimes it is difficult to see His plan, but have faith! Blessings, Martha

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WCATAP 2/27/2011 8:00AM

    I can remember a time that things were so tight the pastor bought my kids sneakers to begin school. It is ashamed that when you make your return you won't get a full credit, but at least you can re buy the stuff. It is frustrating, and sometimes a good cry just releases it all. We have good days and bad days and this was one bad day for you. Tomorrow will be brighter.



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JOYATLAST 2/27/2011 7:06AM

    I would have sat down and cried too!

But truer more understanding words were never spoken then what GRIFF2734 shared with you:

Life gets heavy and weighty but God in his glory is more heavy and weighty than grief and trial. You can weight your grief and suffering and hardships so much that it dominates your destiny and you need to counter balance that with the glory of God the weightiness of God you do that by rejoicing in and worshiping the Lord.

In one tiny paragraph, she summed up the answer to the struggle of my life!!!

It's the focus that will take you to your glorious transformation!

You are complete in Him, nothing missing, nothing broken.

Love,
Joy

Comment edited on: 2/27/2011 7:07:33 AM

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GRIFF2734 2/27/2011 4:21AM

    Hi Teresa Im sorry you had such a blue day and I can certainly relate to what you have wrote because it reminded me of myself 4yrs ago. I can tell you all kinds of positive things but Im going to take you to Jesus because this is where I go to during these times and this is where he wants us to run to. Jesus doesnt take our trials away but he does walk with us through them. Jesus was grieved he is called the man of sorrows in the book of Isaiah 53. So what do we do?

1 Peter 1:6-9
In this (the grief of the trial) you greatly REJOICE, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to PRAISE, HONOR, and GLORY at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you REJOICE with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls.

You say REJOICE I dont feel like rejoicing I feel like grieving this sounds crazy doesnt it? He says rejoice with joy inexpressible and full with glory. Life gets heavy and weighty but God in his glory is more heavy and weighty than grief and trial. You can weight your grief and suffering and hardships so much that it dominates your destiny and you need to counter balance that with the glory of God the weightiness of God you do that by rejoicing in and worshiping the Lord. You say this is nuts but this is far better. God should weigh heavier than anything else and if your deepest desire is God than even if these other things are not in the experiences of your life you will have joy and be able to rejoice because that which is heaviest and weightiest most glorious to you has been given and his name is JESUS!

Look at what he has given to you he has given you forgiveness, mercy, grace and unfailing love most of all he has given you the promise of heaven to live eternally with him your salvation is secure he paid it all for you and me to know that this is not our home that our home is in heaven and he is waiting for us, he has prepared a place for us now we can rejoice now we can allow the Holy Spirit to comfort us and bring us peace lift your hands and REJOICE!!! for you have the promise of heaven.

Much love to you dear sister

Jesus first emoticon

Comment edited on: 2/27/2011 4:23:26 AM

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WHITE73118 2/26/2011 11:32PM

    I am sorry that you are feeling blue. I never buy items without trying them on, because most of the time I get the items home and they do not fit. I hope things get better for you. Keep your chin up!

Karen,

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DEBBIEANNE1124 2/26/2011 11:28PM

    sORRY THIS HAPPENED TO YOU.
i LEARNED LONG ANO NOT TO OREDER THINGS WITHOUT SEEING THEM AND FEELING THEM IN MY HANDS.
hOPE YOU AHVE BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.

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