Wednesday, January 05, 2011
Life has been passing me by for so many years. Years i can never get back. I call them my lost years. By the time I was in my early 20's there were so many things i could not do easily therefore i just stopped doing them. I stopped caring. I stopped loving life. I just gave up.
By the time I had reached my 30's I had dealt with so much rejection that i no longer even felt worthy enough to do anything to improve my weight, health, life etc. I was mad at society for placing more value on thin people. I was tired of feeling obligated to lose the weight to make others happy or so I would be more socially accepted or liked etc. I rebelled big time.
I still struggle with the question of "am I doing this for me or for others who expect the fat person to lose the weight?" Is it really for "ME" or is there still a slight internal feeling of obligation to lose weight to be accepted.
Now at 44 years old I want to do this for ME and only ME. I now WANT to improve my life and get my life back so i can stop missing out on all the fun things i can not do any more. I do not like phrases such as "NEEDS TO" "HAVE TO" "SUPPOSED TO" because all of these 3 phrases denotes that someone on the outside has an expectation and therefore anytime there is an expectation there is a feeling of obligation.
I no longer want to feel obligated to get healthy for anyone. That feeling in my life has only lead me to my current weight because I can not be successful doing this for another person when I myself had not reached the mentality of even wanting to do it.
But now I "WANT" to get my life back. It is not 100% about losing weight and it is not 100% about getting healthy. Neither of these 2 are my main reason or focus for this years goals. My New Years goals are designed to get my "life" back. To stop losing years of "LIFE" i can never get back. I am not necessarily talking about quantity years of life to live. What i am talking about is quality of life to live.
What I am missing in LIFE:
I love the coast but cant walk on the beach anymore due to hip, back and knee pain as well as cardio wise it is too hard to do.
I love walking in the woods but once again hip, back and knee pain stop this and if I see a slight hill it might as well be mount Everest to climb.
I miss fairs and festivals but it is too much walking.
Window shopping is also out as that is too much standing and walking and the pain is not worth the effort anymore.
I miss HOT bubble baths but it is impossible for me to get in and out of a bath tub now.
So 2011 here i come to regain some LIFE back in my life. To get a quality of life back after all those lost years of turning to food instead of turning to JESUS!