Monday, December 28, 2009
In recent years, my love affair with Chocolate has pretty much been like the song by Celine Dion and Pavarotti - "I Hate You Then I Love You". Go here to listen to the song and read the lyrics - www.youtube.com/watch?v=xixX75qksjc
Well, after last nightís liaison with you, I have finally made up my mind! This has taken too long and I will no longer be available to your siren calls. I know, I know Ė you adapted to my new lifestyle FOR ME by changing from milk chocolate to dark, and maybe that should have been enough, but itís not. Itís over! I donít love you anymore! I hafto let you go.
This is the end of a lifelong love affair Ė what is clearly a vice, not just a bad habit, but an addiction! And like my recent decision to leave Coffee, I am also walking away from you, my old friend, Chocolate. Please donít think that I donít love you. I will probably always love you; maybe I just love you too much!
Yes, I know we have been together for more than 50 years. You have been a major focus of my life and had a control over me that I have not allowed many others to have Ė itís absolutely unhealthy, CH! Yes, weíve been discreet in public. In private, well, too many times Iíve gotten out of control and you have threatened to let everyone know by leaving traces on my clothes and on my breath!
Oh, it started out innocently enough. You were just an occasional visitor when I was a kid. I donít even remember our first chance meeting. I do know that I loved you at first bite. You brought out the best and the worst in me. You showed up at every significant celebration, especially at holidays.
In the winter, you were the tastiest cocoa with delicate marshmallows that warmed me head to toe.
In the summertime, at the very sound of the ice cream truck in our neighborhood, my mouth watered for you!
You delighted me as tootsie rolls and tootsie roll pops. I even found your pleasures in my momís secretly hidden Brachís mixes and chocolate-covered raisins. Only took a few so she would never suspect Iíd found her stash! Oh, the chocolate frosted cupcakes, chocolate chip cookies, chocolate-dipped Dairy Queen cones, hot fudge sundaes, and chocolate malteds at the drugstore! Seems like every treat had to include you or something was missing! From childhood to adulthood, you were in all my fun times. Life was incomplete without you in it!
When money was short, I hid you and tasted your delights in secret. You improved my mood. You were always there for me Ė in good times and bad.
I have grown too fond of you and itís time we stop meeting like this. I have tried to control my time with you by cutting down. That works for awhile. But like last night, once in awhile, I find myself out of control when it comes to you! I canít live like this any more! Itís not working. We hafto part ways for good.
Maybe some day Iíll have better control. Maybe one day Iíll let you come back. But right now, CH, you are getting in the way of my resolve to reach my goals. So, at least for now, I will not be bringing you home any more.
Iím sorry, Chocolate. Weíve had some good times. Weíve even shared some bad times. As much as Iíd determined to keep you around for your good qualities, pure pleasures, and mineral therapy, I just canít fight off the bad behavior that you provoke in me any more!
You are no longer a welcome friend and I am going to walk away from you now.
So, stay away from me; I am not interested in you any more! I have new friends now. I donít need you any more! I don't love you anymore!
Song with lyrics between Lea (Me) and Ariel (Chocolate!) -
12 Days of Christmas video clip re-worked Indian style -
Video - www.youtube.com/watch?v=owK5tHjL0aE&
Lyrics - www.ashwinkini.com/blog/archives/96
Sunday, December 27, 2009
WARNING: This could be dangerous to read - could cause undesired choco attack!
Decided it was time to cut up the BIG bar of dark chocolate Iīve been saving so I could weigh out pieces when I want my daily mineral portion. So, cut away. All the time thinking about how much I would eat with a few whole grain crackers. Okay, I thought, Iíll weigh it out. Iíll have 2 oz. Wasnít thinking clearly. Man, Iím soo tired today! Yawn!!! No, Iíll up that to 100 grams cuz I weigh it in grams. Looks like a LOT but hey I am hungry right now and this isnít false hunger.
Melted it slowly in the microwave and stirred. Looks like more than I usually eat. Probably is a little more. On my way to read a little then take a much needed nap. Oh yumm, that tastes great! Maybe Iíll do this again sometime in a few days or next week. I ate the WHOLE thing and then overslept. Fast to my feet, fastest shower Iíve had in awhile. Oohh, I feel awful, queasy, and dizzy. OOOooohhh! Whatís the matter with me?! Sit down NOW!
Oh no! I know what I did! I ate 5 times as much chocolate as I should eat. Usually limit myself to 20 grams. Why didnīt I remember that BEFORE! No wonder I feel like throwing up Ė kinda wish I would. Honey, Iím staying home Ė gonna lay back down and see if I get over this awful dizziness. See you later.
How stupid! Yes, this was really foolish of me! I can see that I still do not have complete control over my eating! Why did I do that? I was sleepy; I was irrational; I was not thinking clearly. I canít let this happen again! Thankfully, I donít have any commitments tonight so I can sleep it off. Sure hope I donít have a chocosuga-hangover in the morning!
Okay, so New Yearís resolutions arenít for me, but I must continue improving in the eating area and making choices that are good for me. Man, slipups happen, but I need to be in control all of the time, even when Iím exhausted or emotional!
So, Iím going to end 2009 by forgiving myself and setting my mind to stay in control of what goes in my mouth Ė only whatís good-for-me! And that is that! After all, this is MY life!
In case I donít get back to you before 2010 Ė Have a Happy and Healthy New Year!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
I will continue on this SparkBreak for a few months, friends. Continuing with work and the need to stay focused on it for the time being. Very little spare time and sparking as I can. I plan to take a real break for a week in January Ė can hardly wait!
A couple of timesavers have been: online Christmas shopping and, for cards, Hallmark.com who even mails them out for me! The only way I can get those things done or Iíd be feeling panicky right now!
In my status, I mentioned the holiday emotion wanting to take control so I will share a bit about that. Before SparkPeople, and occasionally still, the ďhungry emotionsĒ plead to be fed! Memories of not-so-happy times break through the happiness and itís such a challenge to leave it in the past and live in the moment. The legitimate grief I have felt over my inability to stand up for myself and for what I know to be right and just, the death of hopes, dreams, several pets, a few very special friends, and, our son ten years ago, and just hard life experiences that I was ill-prepared to face, as well as, not knowing where to turn or who to trust for help, was killing my spirit. I felt like I was disappearing, dissolving into someone elseís idea of who I should be! I had put away, out of sight, all of my dreams and hopes for the things I loved to do, what I could be, and who I could become by using my strengths, talents, and education.
I let other people, who were louder and stronger, make the choices and define who I am. Oh, yes, I fought it for a time, and then just became plain-old tired, giving up.
Christmas memories are full of unhappy times that outweigh the happy moments. My own family, far away on another continent, was involved in the lives of the up-close relatives. And why would I ever want to burden them with things that they could not do anything to resolve or fix? So I always focused on my children and the lives of the children in my Sunday School class, children who had so much less in this world than we had. For me, that brought brightness to our own celebration.
I fought within myself over the idea that something was wrong with me and with my thinking. I tried so hard to fix myself and the battle within was killing me. You see, I did not realize that I was trying my best to change something that cannot and should not be changed. What I succeeded in doing, however, was to put on a mask to keep the critical ones from hurting me even more and, because I became convinced that the problem was with me, in embarrassment, I hid what was happening from others. I was actually fighting a battle that is not mine to fight! The critical people are fighting battles within themselves, not me, although, in order to avoid correcting their own behavior, they think and say that I am the problem! Once I quit socializing with them and allowing them into my life, they found others to criticize. They are still miserable!
Now, I realize that this is one side of the picture and I do not expect anyone to take sides. It has been refreshing Ė like a deep sigh Ė that several have seen what I see and have encouraged me as I have taken control of my own life and work towards improving my self image, outlook, and improve healthy habits. It also has been wonderful that what I felt within for so long is true Ė and that I can trust my own judgment and intuition.
I am moving on and in the new freedom that I am so reluctant to embrace, I am finding that sweet girl I once was and still am. I am discovering, gratefully, that I am NOT who they say that I am! I do want to let go of all those awful experiences, and yet, I realize that they, too, have made me who I am today Ė a mature, wise, sensitive, fun-loving, caring, creative woman. And I also know that having these difficult experiences gives me an understanding of what others with similar experiences face. And I am learning to feed the "hungry emotions" by soothing them instead of doing the impossible by shewing them away or stuffing them with food. Taking time for relaxation, funny DVDs, music, exercise, praying, meditating, enjoying my pets, reading, planning my strategies, deep breathing, and rewarding my consistency, all contribute to calming them down and giving me peacefulness and ease of spirit.
I have SparkPeople to thank for continuing the process of opening my eyes to the how-to of becoming healthier. I have myself and God to thank for the courage, the persistence, and the determination to walk in the direction of becoming the best person I am! And, although far away from my children this year and many of my dear friends and loved ones, I am not alone.
Because I stopped staying in the shadows with my mouth shut, an amazing number of encouragers have joined me in my walk. I can no longer count them all even on my two hands! Several friends, including one who is a SparkSister, girlfriend and co-worker, are giving me reasons to delight in the holiday celebrations. My children and family are well and seem to be happy. I am making new pleasant memories that one day will outweigh the sad times. After all, this is MY Life!
8 Ways To Ease Your Worries
Jingle Bells in Samba Ė instrumental
And wishing you the best memory-making end of the year celebrations ever!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Iīm busy at research for my latest project, so will continue taking a SparkBreak and checking in occasionally to keep accountable. I am definitely attached to Spark People!
At the grocery store this week, I noticed a new and improved toilet paper! Now, here in Brazil, in recent years, the toilet paper choices have improved a LOT! Used to be bad, rough, kinda like the looks and feel of rolls of tissue paper used for streamers. Awful stuff. Absorbent, squeezably soft, bathroom accessorized, NOT!!!! That kind is still around and in most of the public restrooms. Oh, and did I say - it is not easy to tear?!!!
Anyway, the new improved is called compact t.p. (in Portuguese - "papel higiÍnico compacto"). It is squeezed to flatten the inner tube so that, so says the manufacturer, it is easier to fit in the plastic grocery bag. Well, for years, because of smashed t.p. that I am obligated to purchase cuz, hey, they are almost all squashed! I have been threatening to make my own inner roll from hard plastic tubing. I hate it when the roll doesnīt turn smoothly on the holder! Our holders are like this one -
Hey! AND, while Iīm on the subject of annoying things, not to make an issue out of it or anything, I just want to bring up that other problem -
I wonīt make any of this an issue, just want to let you know whatīs happening in life these days - that is, besides the norm! This is MY Life, after all!
Hereīs an interesting article: Exploring a Low-Acid Diet for Bone Health
I shared this on the Thanksgiving Community, in response to another Sparker.
Hereīs our team link -
With the prompting of a SparkFriend ( I did change a couple of words), I want to share it here to encourage others who might be facing or have been challenged by the BIG D - Depression.
Sometimes we overlook this just because we are trying our best to improve our outlook and stay away from the challenges of the darker side of our thoughts and lives. Perhaps it will be an encouragement.
We all have our difficult times which challenge us to keep on choosing life over death. There are many kinds of death that we face, not just the death of our bodies. Looking at others and sometimes by the advice given to a depressed person, it seems like it is easier for them to see the sunny side of things.
I lived with depression for many years (perhaps 25!) and most of my days were dark with very few moments of levity and light-ness. Now that I am out of that, it is easier to tell the diff. between depression and grief. When I am down now, I often fear that the shadows will stay and wonder if I will fall back into depression. Once there (depression), I think it is an easy thing to fall back into those habits that kept me a prisoner for so long.
Phew! I look at those years now as learning-years because I learned so much from them. What I discovered was the bottom-line for my chains was the fear of many different things. A persistent choosing to live and to get away from people who continually pull me down has made a big diff. in how I handle life in general. It took a very long time and it has not been an easy thing to do, esp. not finding a therapist to help me (for various reasons - bad match, not knowing who to trust, finances and stigmas of those around me).
Two things seem to be what helped the most - the hope that one day I would find a way out AND simply choosing to live every day in spite of how I feel inside. I say "simple" only because it is not a complex issue, however, it is often an intensely difficult thing to do!
I donīt think the purpose of our team is to ignore the harsh side of life. It is meant to give us hope and to help us look for light in the dark path we sometimes face. Perhaps it is to help us recognize that because others have found a way to delight in life, we also can if we keep on searching for it.
When I began looking for things for which I could be thankful, it was not easy - it was a challenge. I started small with the obvious, like food and shelter. With the practice, it did get a bit easier.
I do still have days when all seems black. Not so often anymore. What I see more often now is that the darkness contrasts with the light and I can see more clearly NOW, at this point in my life, BECAUSE I know the darkness and how intense it is at times.
AND, today is my sweet girlīs birthday, so I want to share a few thoughts with you about today. (Also mentioned in a few other places this morning.)
This morning, I woke up happily remembering where I was on this day 23 years ago. I am thankful for the life and love we continue to share . I am thankful that God spared my life to care for hers. I am grateful for the good friend who drove me to the hospital and stayed until I was in the clear. I am grateful for the sweet young lady who watched over my other two children until their daddy arrived from the bush country. I am thankful for the sweet missionary ladies who were there to take care of me even before I was conscious of them. I am thankful that I had a capable doctor, was in the best hospital in town, and my babe was in good hands. I love the two sons that love their sister and have carefully helped, nurtured and guarded her over the years. I am glad that she has a loving earthly father who does his best to counsel and guide her along the way. And, most of all, I am thrilled to be a part of the life and loving of the wonderful woman she is and for every little detail of her self that she has shared and continues to share with me!
Friday, December 04, 2009
It is rare for me to get up in the night and do anything on the computer. Tonight (or should I say this morning - 4 a.m. after tossing and turning for several hours, again!), I havenít been able to sleep and decided I really need to get this off my mind. I keep having the same thought: Life is getting in the way of my fun!
I have a few deadlines that I may not be able to meet unless I set aside everything else and focus on them. Really, I take full responsibility for putting them off and not scheduling a little bit at a time to get more done by now. Because I havenít, I am taking a SparkBreak before I get even further behind and panicky. I know you, my SparkFriends, will understand and forgive me for not taking time to thank you for all your wonderful attention and encouragement, goodies and feedback.
The plan is to meet the deadlines by the end of January and then come back here full force once again. I will pop in once in awhile, and continue to track my nutrition and fitness.
I will miss the constant interaction, peeps. Just know that I will be thinking aboutcha. AND I will be back!
I want to wish you a holiday season filled with inner joy and peace, as well as, challenge you (and ME) to keep on making healthy and positive choices all the way. It is a matter of choice, after all. And THIS is MY Life, isnít it?!
"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?" -Kahlil Gibran
"Enjoy yourself. These are the good old days you're going to miss in the years ahead." - Author Unknown
"Greet everyone you meet with a warm smile. No matter how busy you are, don't rush enounters with co-workers, family and friends. Speak softly. Listen attentively. Act as if every conversation you have is the most important thing on your mind today. Look your children and your partner in the eyes when they talk to you. Stroke the cat, caress the dog. Lavish love on every living being you meet. See how different you feel at the end of the day." - Sarah Ban Breathnach (from 'Simple Abundance : A Daybook of Comfort and Joy')
I Hope You Dance with lyrics
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