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Stress Journalling

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

**This particular blog entry will be updated as needed. It is in response to the Stress Buster's Challenge.

5=High; 4=Moderately High; 3= Average; 2=Below Average; 1=None.

For starters, I am a perfectionist. I have a hard time finding "middle" ground on anything. It's normally "all or nothing" with me. Relationships, I have my DH who is my caretaker and source of some frustration (I think that comes with every marriage though). My DS is 22 and stresses me just because it's his job apparently. I don't see him near as much as I'd like....maybe that would help. We don't talk much either. My family lives nearby....they only like to make sure I'm taken care of and doing well. Otherwise, there are no stressers there. Friends, live far away....too far to visit daily/weekly......we talk via phone weekly/bi-weekly....it's hard to get together due to conflicts with activities in each other's lives. Then there is of course, the BFF that passed away a couple of years ago. This is a huge stresser for me. Of course, there's my health issues....stress? Who has stress?? LOL

Reading the 10 High-Stress Personality Characteristics, here's what I have:
1) I over plan my days and feel the need to stick to a strict plan.--- I live with LISTS!!!
2) I'm always doing more than one thing at a time....very seldom finishing anything here lately :(
3) Impatience with delays.....oh dear!
4) Chronically late!
5) Chronic urgency....see #3!!
6) Highly competitive drive.....I've forgotten how to play....but I am trying to relearn this!
7) Compulsion to overwork....if it weren't for DH & my health, I could live at the office.

Stress level = 4.
Sleep level = 3.
Exercise level = 4.
Eating = 2.

Today's stressors would have to be lack of good sleep (must make that sleep study appointment!); Only ate one meal today....definitely must do better there; low blood pressure again after dialysis....MUST find out why this is happening. The low bp makes me feel awful as it is. Had a headache which is no doubt brought on by lack of nourishment. Tomorrow is a new day!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANATASHIKI 3/21/2013 7:12AM

    whoa , you have to slow down . pick just one thing once , and little . the lists aren't bad but decide for a number of items on it. no bigger than 10 emoticon all or nothing mentality usually ends in nothing results. it's just a habit , you can change it

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ROSAMARCELLE 3/20/2013 7:29PM

    Sounds like you need a good nights sleepand to chill out a bit more! emoticon

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DURANGOREDDOG 3/20/2013 1:39AM

    Wow, sounds like you have so much on your plate. Maybe you could start some mini goals to work on a few of them to lessen the stress even if only a little at a time. I set my clocks 15 minutes ahead so that I won't be late to things. Maybe that would help you. Take care of yourself. emoticon

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The Day I Nearly Quit......

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Depression is a monster. It's the worst enemy you could have because it lives inside you. It isn't something you can just fold away and put in a closet and leave. No. It lurks inside and comes out when you are at your weakest.....it consumes you. Death. Emotionless. Careless. Drained. Lonely. Consumed. Empty. These are just some of the things that you feel because of this ugly monster.

If allowed, it will chew on you little by little, swallow you and cause you to feel as if there is absolutely no hope left in this world for you. Depression. It is NOT your friend.

The day I nearly quit, I cried just because.......exactly....I had nothing to cry for but I cried any way. I was miserable. I did not want to eat. I just wanted to sleep......all day and all night. It is amazing at how a body can actually sleep that much! It truly can! I wanted to be alone.......I didn't want my husband near me, my family or friends. Guess that was good because who in their right mind would want to be around someone that was so sad? When I finally got to the point that I was ready to quit my dialysis, that's when I knew something had to be done.

When I went to my doctor, granted he's top of the line, but I'm sitting here crying, telling him that I feel like I have absolutely no hope left and he's cracking jokes trying to make me laugh. Stop here......this is where it took everything I could muster NOT to become violent and I'm NOT a violent person by nature but this is one time I really wanted to slap me a doctor into next week! Ok, proceed......and no, I didn't get physical......the doctor suggested the phsychiatric nurse and social worker. ..... and continued with his jokes.

My new lovely, physchiatric nurse comes to visit on Saturdays. She's precious and she's helped me. Immediately, she told the doctor I should come off of Cymbalta and start Prozac. She prays with me and is just the best person. Within the first week of taking the Prozac, I've felt more energetic, had less crying outbursts and am sleeping better. Slowly, I'm noticing a change in my thinking patterns.....from loss of control to I think I've got this now. I can see me getting better.

Second Week.....I've only had one crying outburst......lots of progress! My Christmas tree and decorations are down and back in storage. DH and I bought bicycles and have begun riding together. I actually didn't have to stop for a break before DH did! To say I was proud of myself would be an understatement LOL

I'm getting my groove back......and I'm thankful. I'm spending lots of quality time with my Heavenly Father and less time on the computer (mostly because we didn't have internet for a bit there and the rest because it's dialup and is a pain to load everything). I've purchased a bible study on Depression and it has helped me so much. It's amazing to learn that the people in the bible, even the one that God called "a man after God's own heart" (David), even some of the prophets.....they all became depressed at some point in life. They were human and needed help too! It's ok to be depressed.....just don't stay there. Cry out to God.....

More time exercising and less time being a couch potato. I'm actually enjoying my life somewhat again and seeing the good in things and not just the sad and bad. God is good.....has been, especially when I've been hiding from Him under my blanket in the dark, ready to give up....that's when He reached down, gently put His loving arm around me and said "I've got this....you rest here for a bit and come back when you're ready."

That was the day I nearly quit......

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWRUNNER2 3/18/2013 4:04PM

    Thank you so much for sharing your personal story. You are a very courageous person! I'm so glad you didn't give up!

May God's loving arms enfold you throughout your journey. emoticon

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KARENE10 3/18/2013 9:04AM

    I'm so happy that you have found the help you needed! emoticon

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ANATASHIKI 3/17/2013 7:16AM

    glad to hear you're better . I had a bad week too and felt overwhelmed, sad and sometimes even desperate. but I know everything will pass somehow emoticon

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IAM_HIS 3/17/2013 6:06AM

    Your blog touched me so much. Depression visited me for four years and it was one the darkest as well as hardest times of my life. It wasn't until I started riding my bike again that I got better. Gettng out and exercising helped so very much!!!

When I read your blog I felt so joy filled--you are definitely pushing forward and getting better! I am so grateful I read your blog. How wonderful the Lord is working in your life. He is showing you the way out!!!

God bless you and keep moving...it works!!!

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ROSAMARCELLE 3/17/2013 4:16AM

    emoticon emoticon

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DURANGOREDDOG 3/17/2013 1:36AM

    So glad you found help and are on a fresh start. Thank you for sharing. God bless and keep you as you continue this journey.

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MCYNDYM 3/17/2013 1:25AM

    What a powerful and moving story! Thank you for being open, honest and sharing something very personal. I have had those days and moments too.

Today was one of them for me. Normally, I'm very happy and laughing all the time. It takes a lot to get me down and in a bad mood.

I tend to be a good listener and try to be understanding. If at any point you feel the need to reach out and grab someone to speak with, I am here.

I hope the best for you and pray that you get through this thin period in your life.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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How will I think POSITIVE???

Sunday, March 03, 2013

Well, honestly, thinking positive is a choice. A choice we must make in order to live from moment to moment when depressed. Add to the choice that tomorrow my doctor will add another medication to my already long list of meds.....an anti-depressant.....and according to the nurse I saw yesterday, in a few days, I should be able to see some difference in my life.

I detest taking more medication but at this point, I will accept that it will help me, that it is only temporary and I will adjust and soon be back to myself. I've always been a serious minded person, always expected the worst from people and situations so that if the worst did not happen then I was pleasantly surprised. Sad but because of things that have happened in my life, I learned that if you expected disappointments then you weren't let down as much. So, having lived with that mindset for so long,

..... how will I think POSITIVE? One moment at a time. One situation at a time. One thought at a time. I will combat the negative with positive......if the day is bleak, I will make myself see joy.

Having a God that loves me even when I don't love myself......positive.
Having a wonderful husband that sticks with me when I'm so undeserving.....positive.
Having a son that is healthy......positive.
Having a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in and clothes on my back.....positive.
Having a vehicle that is paid for.......positive.
Having a job.....positive.
Having a place I can come to that will encourage me when I need it most....POSITIVE!

"Thank you" to those of you that are faithful in lifting me up when I'm down, pushing me when I need it and encouraging me always. You are the best! Now THAT'S positive!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IAM_HIS 3/11/2013 9:55AM

    So glad you are back!!

No matter now hard you try, depression is NOT something we can think our self out of. Medication helps, prayer and spending time with God helps.

Depression has its gifts believe or not--you get to know yourself much better, you find out who your "real" friends are, and you depend on God so much more, that you feel close to Him.

I know that looking at everything that God has given you and reading His Word will be a big stepping stone to feeling better along with the medication. Today is filled with ways that God wants you to know and feel His love for YOU. Take time to be aware. You have so many wonderful and exciting days to look forward to.

My prayers are with you. emoticon

P.S. I have to take my medication--I don't like to, but if I don't, I will be in depression within 48 hours.

Comment edited on: 3/11/2013 9:59:08 AM

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NELLIROSE13 3/4/2013 10:25PM

    Keep up the Positive thoughts.......I am sorry you are tired of new meds, but I am pretty positive it will help in the long run.....I have been on Prozac for a long time now myself....I started back in the late 80's and resumed them in 97 after my Mom died. I found they helped keep the "bad thoughts" away and got me back on my feet when I did not want to get going. Right now I am taking them, as a precaution....every other time I have stopped, I have had to restart, so I don't even consider stopping now. So, I can be serious at times, but it has freed my lighter side, so I can be the true me......So, my advice is take the meds cheerfully and plan for them to work for you.....positive thinking helps too. Then, my Turtle friend, you can get back in the race..... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon Lynel

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NEWRUNNER2 3/4/2013 1:53PM

    Thanks so much for your positive words and your posts. You really are an encouragement to others! emoticon

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ANATASHIKI 3/4/2013 5:32AM

    I used to live the same way you say , expecting the worst, it's not good. it made me stronger in a way but I was programming myself for disaster. being a natural skeptic didn't help either emoticon . tell yourself every morning this will be a perfect good day, choose every evening what was the best thing that happened to you that day(these aren't my ideas , they're from that book), makes you keep a correct perspective. the meds might take 2-3 weeks until they work . I don't know what kind of meds did you receive but be careful , some of them interact with other meds and some foods.

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ROSAMARCELLE 3/4/2013 4:04AM

    It's really hard to break out of depression when it hits, but highlighting the positives and focussing on them is definately the way to go. emoticon emoticon

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2BERUNNING 3/3/2013 9:37PM

    I really enjoy your blog. You can do it!!!

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LOOKN2FINDME 3/3/2013 7:31PM

  Not to burst your bubble but anti depressants take anywhere between two weeks to as long as a month to take effect-That being said, it is worth the wait if you need it. I'm not ashamed to admit that I've taken Paxil for many years now, and it's made a difference. Hold strong and it will all work out in the end emoticon

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YB0511 3/3/2013 7:15PM

    You can do it, one day at a time!

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JOYOUS1917 3/3/2013 6:52PM

    I really KNOW how you feel. I look for 'joy' in little things....a bird, flowers, a tree.
Walking has helped me immensely. I haven't had insurance or money to go to doctors for my depression. So, I pray a lot. And, I have been taking vitamins.... and I found Spark People. I really do not have friends yet in this community and no job. But, I make myself look forward... I have no children, no husband and no family. By the way my name IS "JOY" and people always comment on that. emoticon emoticon emoticonLove you, and keep your chin up!

Comment edited on: 3/3/2013 6:54:38 PM

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Complicated Blogging.....

Saturday, March 02, 2013

1) What new habit you wish to develop?
2) How will you do that?
3) What are you doing to encourage yourself and keep on track?
4) How are you doing day by day?
5) What can you improve upon?
6) Do you need some motivation or advice? Ask for it!
7) Anything else you would like to share with your Team

These are the questions given to us to help guide us with our blog about a new habit we want to develop. Problem is, I have so many new habits I want to develop that how do I pick just one?

I'm a perfectionist by nature, control junkie (I don't like the word freak), schedule nut and unorganized organizational junkie.....always working on something or starting a project and not finishing it. So many habits to conquer ..... where does one start?

There was a time in my life that being organized was NOT a problem. Finishing projects was NOT a problem. Maintaining a schedule was NOT a problem. But now.....I've allowed life to get in my way of a healthy, happy daily lifestyle. I had an appointment with someone today that diagnosed me with depression(she came to my house)......I've had bouts of it in the past and managed to move on but this time it's really got me good, so right now, my habit that I want to perfect would be to think positive. And no, thank God, I'm not suicidal, she just says I have a LOT on my plate and just having problems managing it all.....and accepting that dialysis is going to be a part of my life for a little while.....

Positive thinking. Yes, positive thinking will be the habit that I wish to focus on for now. Reading my bible more. Staying off the computer a little bit more. Prayerfully, soon, I'll be taking Tai Chi classes which will help to motivate more positiveness into my life. I'm waiting on the instructor to call to let me know when the class will start now.

Positive thinking. Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Darkness with light. Slow down, let some things go that aren't important and enjoy what I have here and now.

Positive thinking.....that is my new habit I will be improving upon.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KBRADFORD88 3/3/2013 1:31PM

    Wow. Thanks for sharing. I too dealt with a bout of depression two years ago. Looking back I realized I had probably been struggling most of my life. I started taking some supplements (after taking anti-depressants for a year. I also added fat back in my diet. Talking to some friends every week and just hugging more helped me see rosey again. Be kind and patient with yourself. It takes time but the sun will shine again.

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MA_DIDDLES 3/3/2013 10:51AM


Reading the message boards that I do everyday I think a lot of us need to think more positive and count our blessing, including myself.

I think I have what I have because God has given it to me, not anyone else. I am not always good about thanking him on a daily basis or being in his word everyday, but that is a habit I am working on.

The best to you in this challenge and your weight loss journey. MA

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NEWTINK 3/3/2013 10:16AM

    Unfortunately I personally knew that was coming but I am glad that you have set this standard for yourself ... You are like me in the sense that you are a happy depressed person . It so much easier for us to help others than it to ask others to help us .. You are a wonderful person and so much stronger than you realize ... You go this girl emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SAPHRAEL 3/3/2013 7:52AM

    I like the way you thought through your goal.

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ROSAMARCELLE 3/3/2013 4:57AM

    It is a habit a lot of us need to work on. emoticon emoticon

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ANATASHIKI 3/3/2013 4:32AM

    it's not that hard. it really is a habit. I used to be depressed for ages since childhood , and I had the luck to meet and work with a friend who was the opposite of me and learned from her . she doesn't care about the bad things , every time something is not according to her plans she says it's impossible , things HAVE to go my way , she just focuses on the little joys and little things that are good , when something unpleasant happens she treats it like a temporary insignificant bother. and get rid of the things unnecessary, try to make your life simpler. just start with a little thing. let the big things for later. emoticon

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    Thank you for commenting on my blog. I am not much of a blogger and appreciate your support.

I think your goal is one we all could use. Being positive in the place of adversity is a truly worthy objective and it can be life changing. Thank you for your story and for seeing a way to make it better.

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AMANDEES76 3/2/2013 11:48PM

    Stay positive and always see the good in everything! You can do it.

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FAT2GAINHEALTH 3/2/2013 11:44PM

    Dearest Tawanda,
I just read your blog and your story!!!! U think You need to think more positive, I think you seem to be positive with all life has dealt you. I am so glad to haved also read your story. I also have had problems with depression. My doctor has me on meds that they finally have had success in balancing me out. I hope you have success in your endeavors. I will pray for you. You seem like a very sweet girl and I want to give you all the support you need. God never pushes us without pushing us thru. God bless and keep on looking to God.
Marcia emoticon

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PRAIRIECROCUS 3/2/2013 11:30PM

    emoticon blog !

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My body reminds me yet again......Revamping my plans.....

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

After talking with my doctor at length yesterday, shedding some tears, it's time to rethink this plan .....

If you are reading this for enjoyment, you may want to pass because this is going to be boring....it's just a blog to help me rethink my goals for losing this weight. It is going to take me much longer than I had first anticipated because my first thought process was based on the thought that my body is pretty much normal. Wrong.

I've always known that if I over exert myself, my body will literally shut itself down, run low grade fever and take longer to recover than if I go slow at things. I'm stubborn and well, the last few days of exercising have proven yet again that my body needs more time to adjust. I can go and go for about 3 days, then it happens....just like it did yesterday and today. My body refuses to be pushed any harder. I slept most of yesterday minus the doctor visit, 6 hours of dialysis last night and work today. Home at 5:30 and slept til hubby woke me at 11:30 tonight calling to check on me. I obviously slept through his other attempts at calling to check on me. I ran fever tonight, which is typical when I've pushed my body too hard. Was nauseaus and had a horrible headache all day today. My body needed its rest. I have to take this exercise program slower.

I was originally aiming for 5-6 days a week at 10 minutes/day of cardio. For now, I'm going to aim for 3 days a week with 25 mins of cardio, adding 5 minutes/session/week as I can. When I am up to 30 mins/daily I will then add a day/week until I've reached 5 days/week of cardio at 30 mins/session. Upon reaching this goal, I will increase my minutes by 5 daily until I've maxed out at 60 min/session or when my body has had enough....whichever comes first.

I'm under strict doctor orders NOT to use weights as this will effect my heart in the long run and the dialysis does enough damage on its own. So, no strength training with weights but I can do Tai Chi and anything aerobic......

So my plan:

Cadio 3 days/week @ 25 mins/session 2/25 emoticon
Cadio 3 days/week @ 30 mins/session 3/4
Cadio 4 days/week @ 30 mins/session 3/11 Change Nutrition/Fitness Tracker!!!
Cadio 4 days/week @ 30 mins/session 3/18
Cadio 5 days/week @ 30 mins/session 3/25
Cadio 5 days/week @ 30 mins/session 4/1
Cadio 5 days/week @ 35 mins/session 4/8 time for new routine!!! Platau Buster!!
Cadio 5 days/week @ 35 mins/session 4/15
Cadio 5 days/week @ 40 mins/session 4/22
Cadio 5 days/week @ 40 mins/session 4/29

My Target Heart Rate:
2/25, 3/4 130bpm
3/11,18, 25 & 4/1 135bpm
4/8, 15, 22, 29 141bpm Stay here for several weeks!!!!

Every 6 weeks I will aim for a new routine!!! Platau Buster!! This will help to keep my body guessing, working hard and not getting bored with my workouts. Keep it fun!!!

Eat healthy.
Get plenty of rest.
Follow exercise program....low intensity only.
Drink my 4 cups of water daily....no more than this!!!

**Refer to my favorites in SP for more ideas on how to give myself variety in my exercise program.

Consider cross training!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMMYGRANDMA 3/2/2013 9:46AM

    Your life sounds a lot like mine, minus the dialysis (thank Goodness). I also have heart issues that limits my exercise routine (doctor's orders). Also limited with food items; High BP, Diabetic, low potassium (take 2 mega doses Rx daily), osteoporosis, arthritis, etc.. We need to support each other and be patient. I also wanted to get down to a healthy weight, stronger, less painful days faster than I am, but guess we have to take it slow, but keep on keepin' on. We can pray for each other's success. emoticon

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NEWRUNNER2 3/1/2013 8:18PM

    Thanks for sharing your struggles. You've got a lot of things to balance!

Take care of yourself and keep at it.


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NELLIROSE13 2/27/2013 9:43PM

    Water exercise is easier on the joints, but I don't know if it is easier on the heart.....check with your doctor for sure.....but it seems less work when you are in the water.....but when you get out.....back to reality and gravity! LOL
I really overdid it with sodium today.....I will have to skip salt entirely tomorrow if possible.....not that I add any to my food, but the hidden stuff already there is murder.....I have been trying to get me to weigh in, but I just don't make it.....I just hope I have not gained.....
I wish you the best of luck in your "new" new program......remember that we Turtles go Slow and Steady for a reason. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon Lynel

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4EVER21B 2/27/2013 3:26PM

    We all have to re-evaluate our plans. It's okay. Just do what you can and you will get there. Believe.


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FREES1 2/27/2013 3:15PM

    take care of yourself and listen to that body of yours... don't break the thing you rely on the most! I saw CBLENS' suggestion about the water aerobics - I started a class the other night called aqua cardio or as the tracker calls it water jogging (or running)... in a pool suspended by a bouyancy belt and doing the motions of running, cross country skiing, jumping jacks with the water providing the resistance. might have to start with a portion of the class and build up..
be good to yourself!

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ANATASHIKI 2/27/2013 1:36PM

    listen to your body needs first. do everything at your own pace . the whole idea is to get healthier and feel better emoticon

Comment edited on: 2/27/2013 1:36:41 PM

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CBLENS 2/27/2013 9:35AM

    can you try water aerobics? We actually have a TiChi class once a week in the pool.
Don't loose faith!

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ROSAMARCELLE 2/27/2013 6:29AM

    Take care and feel better. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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