Wednesday, March 20, 2013
**This particular blog entry will be updated as needed. It is in response to the Stress Buster's Challenge.
5=High; 4=Moderately High; 3= Average; 2=Below Average; 1=None.
For starters, I am a perfectionist. I have a hard time finding "middle" ground on anything. It's normally "all or nothing" with me. Relationships, I have my DH who is my caretaker and source of some frustration (I think that comes with every marriage though). My DS is 22 and stresses me just because it's his job apparently. I don't see him near as much as I'd like....maybe that would help. We don't talk much either. My family lives nearby....they only like to make sure I'm taken care of and doing well. Otherwise, there are no stressers there. Friends, live far away....too far to visit daily/weekly......we talk via phone weekly/bi-weekly....it's hard to get together due to conflicts with activities in each other's lives. Then there is of course, the BFF that passed away a couple of years ago. This is a huge stresser for me. Of course, there's my health issues....stress? Who has stress?? LOL
Reading the 10 High-Stress Personality Characteristics, here's what I have:
1) I over plan my days and feel the need to stick to a strict plan.--- I live with LISTS!!!
2) I'm always doing more than one thing at a time....very seldom finishing anything here lately :(
3) Impatience with delays.....oh dear!
4) Chronically late!
5) Chronic urgency....see #3!!
6) Highly competitive drive.....I've forgotten how to play....but I am trying to relearn this!
7) Compulsion to overwork....if it weren't for DH & my health, I could live at the office.
Stress level = 4.
Sleep level = 3.
Exercise level = 4.
Eating = 2.
Today's stressors would have to be lack of good sleep (must make that sleep study appointment!); Only ate one meal today....definitely must do better there; low blood pressure again after dialysis....MUST find out why this is happening. The low bp makes me feel awful as it is. Had a headache which is no doubt brought on by lack of nourishment. Tomorrow is a new day!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Depression is a monster. It's the worst enemy you could have because it lives inside you. It isn't something you can just fold away and put in a closet and leave. No. It lurks inside and comes out when you are at your weakest.....it consumes you. Death. Emotionless. Careless. Drained. Lonely. Consumed. Empty. These are just some of the things that you feel because of this ugly monster.
If allowed, it will chew on you little by little, swallow you and cause you to feel as if there is absolutely no hope left in this world for you. Depression. It is NOT your friend.
The day I nearly quit, I cried just because.......exactly....I had nothing to cry for but I cried any way. I was miserable. I did not want to eat. I just wanted to sleep......all day and all night. It is amazing at how a body can actually sleep that much! It truly can! I wanted to be alone.......I didn't want my husband near me, my family or friends. Guess that was good because who in their right mind would want to be around someone that was so sad? When I finally got to the point that I was ready to quit my dialysis, that's when I knew something had to be done.
When I went to my doctor, granted he's top of the line, but I'm sitting here crying, telling him that I feel like I have absolutely no hope left and he's cracking jokes trying to make me laugh. Stop here......this is where it took everything I could muster NOT to become violent and I'm NOT a violent person by nature but this is one time I really wanted to slap me a doctor into next week! Ok, proceed......and no, I didn't get physical......the doctor suggested the phsychiatric nurse and social worker. ..... and continued with his jokes.
My new lovely, physchiatric nurse comes to visit on Saturdays. She's precious and she's helped me. Immediately, she told the doctor I should come off of Cymbalta and start Prozac. She prays with me and is just the best person. Within the first week of taking the Prozac, I've felt more energetic, had less crying outbursts and am sleeping better. Slowly, I'm noticing a change in my thinking patterns.....from loss of control to I think I've got this now. I can see me getting better.
Second Week.....I've only had one crying outburst......lots of progress! My Christmas tree and decorations are down and back in storage. DH and I bought bicycles and have begun riding together. I actually didn't have to stop for a break before DH did! To say I was proud of myself would be an understatement LOL
I'm getting my groove back......and I'm thankful. I'm spending lots of quality time with my Heavenly Father and less time on the computer (mostly because we didn't have internet for a bit there and the rest because it's dialup and is a pain to load everything). I've purchased a bible study on Depression and it has helped me so much. It's amazing to learn that the people in the bible, even the one that God called "a man after God's own heart" (David), even some of the prophets.....they all became depressed at some point in life. They were human and needed help too! It's ok to be depressed.....just don't stay there. Cry out to God.....
More time exercising and less time being a couch potato. I'm actually enjoying my life somewhat again and seeing the good in things and not just the sad and bad. God is good.....has been, especially when I've been hiding from Him under my blanket in the dark, ready to give up....that's when He reached down, gently put His loving arm around me and said "I've got this....you rest here for a bit and come back when you're ready."
That was the day I nearly quit......
Sunday, March 03, 2013
Well, honestly, thinking positive is a choice. A choice we must make in order to live from moment to moment when depressed. Add to the choice that tomorrow my doctor will add another medication to my already long list of meds.....an anti-depressant.....and according to the nurse I saw yesterday, in a few days, I should be able to see some difference in my life.
I detest taking more medication but at this point, I will accept that it will help me, that it is only temporary and I will adjust and soon be back to myself. I've always been a serious minded person, always expected the worst from people and situations so that if the worst did not happen then I was pleasantly surprised. Sad but because of things that have happened in my life, I learned that if you expected disappointments then you weren't let down as much. So, having lived with that mindset for so long,
..... how will I think POSITIVE? One moment at a time. One situation at a time. One thought at a time. I will combat the negative with positive......if the day is bleak, I will make myself see joy.
Having a God that loves me even when I don't love myself......positive.
Having a wonderful husband that sticks with me when I'm so undeserving.....positive.
Having a son that is healthy......positive.
Having a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in and clothes on my back.....positive.
Having a vehicle that is paid for.......positive.
Having a job.....positive.
Having a place I can come to that will encourage me when I need it most....POSITIVE!
"Thank you" to those of you that are faithful in lifting me up when I'm down, pushing me when I need it and encouraging me always. You are the best! Now THAT'S positive!!!
Saturday, March 02, 2013
1) What new habit you wish to develop?
2) How will you do that?
3) What are you doing to encourage yourself and keep on track?
4) How are you doing day by day?
5) What can you improve upon?
6) Do you need some motivation or advice? Ask for it!
7) Anything else you would like to share with your Team
These are the questions given to us to help guide us with our blog about a new habit we want to develop. Problem is, I have so many new habits I want to develop that how do I pick just one?
I'm a perfectionist by nature, control junkie (I don't like the word freak), schedule nut and unorganized organizational junkie.....always working on something or starting a project and not finishing it. So many habits to conquer ..... where does one start?
There was a time in my life that being organized was NOT a problem. Finishing projects was NOT a problem. Maintaining a schedule was NOT a problem. But now.....I've allowed life to get in my way of a healthy, happy daily lifestyle. I had an appointment with someone today that diagnosed me with depression(she came to my house)......I've had bouts of it in the past and managed to move on but this time it's really got me good, so right now, my habit that I want to perfect would be to think positive. And no, thank God, I'm not suicidal, she just says I have a LOT on my plate and just having problems managing it all.....and accepting that dialysis is going to be a part of my life for a little while.....
Positive thinking. Yes, positive thinking will be the habit that I wish to focus on for now. Reading my bible more. Staying off the computer a little bit more. Prayerfully, soon, I'll be taking Tai Chi classes which will help to motivate more positiveness into my life. I'm waiting on the instructor to call to let me know when the class will start now.
Positive thinking. Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Darkness with light. Slow down, let some things go that aren't important and enjoy what I have here and now.
Positive thinking.....that is my new habit I will be improving upon.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
After talking with my doctor at length yesterday, shedding some tears, it's time to rethink this plan .....
If you are reading this for enjoyment, you may want to pass because this is going to be boring....it's just a blog to help me rethink my goals for losing this weight. It is going to take me much longer than I had first anticipated because my first thought process was based on the thought that my body is pretty much normal. Wrong.
I've always known that if I over exert myself, my body will literally shut itself down, run low grade fever and take longer to recover than if I go slow at things. I'm stubborn and well, the last few days of exercising have proven yet again that my body needs more time to adjust. I can go and go for about 3 days, then it happens....just like it did yesterday and today. My body refuses to be pushed any harder. I slept most of yesterday minus the doctor visit, 6 hours of dialysis last night and work today. Home at 5:30 and slept til hubby woke me at 11:30 tonight calling to check on me. I obviously slept through his other attempts at calling to check on me. I ran fever tonight, which is typical when I've pushed my body too hard. Was nauseaus and had a horrible headache all day today. My body needed its rest. I have to take this exercise program slower.
I was originally aiming for 5-6 days a week at 10 minutes/day of cardio. For now, I'm going to aim for 3 days a week with 25 mins of cardio, adding 5 minutes/session/week as I can. When I am up to 30 mins/daily I will then add a day/week until I've reached 5 days/week of cardio at 30 mins/session. Upon reaching this goal, I will increase my minutes by 5 daily until I've maxed out at 60 min/session or when my body has had enough....whichever comes first.
I'm under strict doctor orders NOT to use weights as this will effect my heart in the long run and the dialysis does enough damage on its own. So, no strength training with weights but I can do Tai Chi and anything aerobic......
So my plan:
Cadio 3 days/week @ 25 mins/session 2/25
Cadio 3 days/week @ 30 mins/session 3/4
Cadio 4 days/week @ 30 mins/session 3/11 Change Nutrition/Fitness Tracker!!!
Cadio 4 days/week @ 30 mins/session 3/18
Cadio 5 days/week @ 30 mins/session 3/25
Cadio 5 days/week @ 30 mins/session 4/1
Cadio 5 days/week @ 35 mins/session 4/8 time for new routine!!! Platau Buster!!
Cadio 5 days/week @ 35 mins/session 4/15
Cadio 5 days/week @ 40 mins/session 4/22
Cadio 5 days/week @ 40 mins/session 4/29
My Target Heart Rate:
2/25, 3/4 130bpm
3/11,18, 25 & 4/1 135bpm
4/8, 15, 22, 29 141bpm Stay here for several weeks!!!!
Every 6 weeks I will aim for a new routine!!! Platau Buster!! This will help to keep my body guessing, working hard and not getting bored with my workouts. Keep it fun!!!
Get plenty of rest.
Follow exercise program....low intensity only.
Drink my 4 cups of water daily....no more than this!!!
**Refer to my favorites in SP for more ideas on how to give myself variety in my exercise program.
Consider cross training!!!
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