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I am a failure

Monday, March 24, 2014

I have lost and gained. And my self esteem is lower now than ever before. At one point I was down 50 pounds and at the lowest weight I had ever ever been. I am now at the highest. I feel like a failure. And I feel disgusted. I keep seeing pictures of myself and I just cringe.

I miss the thin feeling. I miss my scrubs not cutting off circulation. I miss being able to cross my legs like thin girls. I miss seeing my collar bones. I miss liking pictures of myself. I miss just feeling comfortable.

So, when ANEWMACKENZIE called us all out on Facebook for abandoning our Spark Pages, I knew it was the moment I needed to get my butt back in gear. It is sooooo hard though. I need my old support group back. I need to feel like I did 5 years ago when I joined SP. I need it to all be new and exciting again. And I need something to work towards.

With that being said, I have met the man of my dreams. He is honestly the man I have been looking for for so long. We met each other at the most perfect times in our lives, and I feel like my prayers have been answered. God had a plan for me and even though I may not have been exactly patient, I was patient enough and I had faith. And it's time to get this body in shape for the possible future wedding and for the future pregnancy I plan on having :)

So, starting today, March 24, 2014, I am going to work.
210 pounds

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ASHESS85 4/30/2014 4:01PM

    Glad to see you back. I know it's hard feeling like a failure but honestly it's just so easy to fall back into old habits. Try not to beat yourself up and keep on pushing! Let those "skinny" pictures motivate you instead of making you feel bad. You CAN do this! I'll be here if you ever need someone to talk to. emoticon

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    I also know Mack! And I totally feel you - I hit back into the 200's and want to bang my head against the wall. This morning? The snap popped off my work pants. This is not what we call a good day. So I totally feel you and met the man of my dreams too! Back in October - we're moving in together this weekend! So oy. I hope to see you around - we have much in common it appears! Let's rock it lady.

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FITBECKSRN24 4/7/2014 4:20PM

    awww chickie you are NOT a failure! you're journey is NOT over with yet! i am still on here! not as often as i'd like to be. i do miss all my sparkfriends!!! you can do it girly!!! im here to help you all the way! **hugs**

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GREGGWEISBROD 4/2/2014 11:22AM

    You've already shown yourself what you're capable of, so that's pretty special. You know the hard work that's ahead, so just focus your eyes, plan your days, and go get it :D It's amazing what you can accomplish in a year when you live each day like it matters. Good luck, Tasha, you can do this!

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ASHWILLDOTHIS 3/30/2014 10:08AM

    You're not a failure BESTIE!!! This healthy lifestyle thing isn't the easiest thing in the world to do. You've succeeded before and I know you will succeed again!! Let's get these bodies ready for a wedding and babies!!


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MELLYBEANS0919 3/25/2014 4:50PM

    You have not failed. Diets are what fails people. Just get back to creating healthy habits, one you can sustain, and make baby steps. You'll get back on track and you must realize life happens and we are not perfect ever. You are beautiful, right now, as you are. Changing your mindset will help you continue those healthy habits.
Big emoticon

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MILLER*TIME 3/25/2014 1:12PM

    Trust me you're not a failure. Losing weight is hard, like they say, "If it were easy, everyone would be doing it." You can do anything you put your mind too, even if it sucks! lol. Spark has definitely changed since I first started as well so I can relate to that 'feeling' but you came back and there are a lot of people still here to support you! Congrats on finding the right guy, that's an amazing feeling in itself. Now do this because you deserve it!

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    Thanks guys :) it really is amazing to have a man that loves me unconditionally and is supporting me in whatever makes me happy. It's a great feeling. I just need to love myself now.

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NESSAGIRL67 3/24/2014 9:55PM

    I'm so glad to see you are back. You are not a failure. Take it one day at a time and you will get back on track. I'm so happy to hear that you found an amazing man of your dreams. God Bless you both.

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BRASKIN 3/24/2014 8:53PM

  its over and done...you can start anew! emoticon

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TRYINGTOLOSE64 3/24/2014 8:51PM

    You are not a failure!! You just temporarily lost motivation!! You can do it!! Now quite beating yourself up and do what needs to be done!!

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AJGLASHAUSER 3/24/2014 8:42PM

    It's like you were in my head with this post. The fact that you are here proves that you are not a failure. It's easy to fall back into old habits and gain back what you'd lost. For me, the feeling becomes "Well, I'm already fat, so I may as well just eat this (insert ANYTHING unhealthy here)." It got to the point where I wouldn't go out and hang out with friends. I no longer had clothes that fit me, and the sight of a camera(phone) terrified me.

I am glad that you are also making the choice to get back to the version of you that makes you happiest. I am also glad that you found a man who appreciates you, even when you don't appreciate yourself. I've found mine, and it's incredible to know that he loves me at my worst-- and I can't wait for him to see me at my best.

Best of luck to you.

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THE plan

Sunday, January 13, 2013

So, I need to write down a plan for losing this weight. If I dont I will never do it. So, here goes:

*1200 to 1500 calories a day

*at least 20 minutes of exercise a day with Zumba on Tuesdays, some Wednesdays and Thursdays. Turbo Jam mixed in there during the week.

*less "cheating" on weekends.

*I HAVE to get the boyfriend on some sort of same track or I will never succeed. We eat out SOOOOO often, and we can't do that anymore.

That is all I have right now. I know people say you can lose weight without having much money, but it is really hard! Grocery shopping is NOT cheap! if anyone has any tips I'd gladly take them. Also, I got a new scale but I dont know how accurate it is bc it is weird haha but according to it I am not at my highest. :) still not pretty.

Here's to an awesome week!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GREGGWEISBROD 7/30/2013 2:06PM

    Hope you're doing well. Remember, you can do anything you set your heart and your mind to! :-D

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ASHESS85 1/22/2013 3:02PM

    Do you have an Alid, Save-A-Lot, or super Wal-mart in your area? I love Aldi, they are super cheap and have their own line of lower calorie foods called "Fit & Active." Good luck with everything!

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BELIEVER104 1/15/2013 6:10PM

    Great goals! You can definitely do it. I get some pretty great meals on a budget with the crockpot. Very simple meals with different meats, various seasoning packets, and campbell's soups-- and there are always leftovers!

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RODRIGUEZ41508 1/15/2013 11:54AM

    Great plan !!! Similar to mine :)

I am also working out for 20 min. 5 days a week and doing Turbo Jam. Zumba class on Saturday mornings :) Starting out slow to get into it and 20 min. is doable for me to start with. I also need to work on less cheating on weekends.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/15/2013 11:55:12 AM

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GIRL*IN*MOTION 1/15/2013 11:15AM

  Great goals girlie :) You can do it! I know all too well about trying to eat healthy on a budget! Vegetarian chili is healthy & cheap and you can make a lot of it :) Chris and I make up a big batch and pack it every day for work. Cereals and almond milk also one of my fav choices that don't dont dent the pocket book too much. I always shop all the ads too and see who has the best deals for produce and shopping in season always helps. Also another great tip I just recently learned to ask the butcher what day they discount their meat and shop that day. You can get some AWESOME deals on steaks, chickens, roasts etc.

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ASHWILLDOTHIS 1/15/2013 8:27AM

    Great Plan bestie!! We got this!!

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    Thanks for he ideas and encouragement! :)

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HOUNDOGLOVER35 1/14/2013 9:30PM

    I agree, soups, stews, crockpot meals are inexpensive and give you leftovers. Buying pork loin roasts and other types of roasts and whole chickens can give you leftovers too and you can make tacos the next night, just one idea. Good luck!

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FITBECKSRN24 1/14/2013 3:32PM

    I like to make things that have left overs! Like soups and stews ect. Saves on money!

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    Sounds like a wonderful plan. I'll lovingly tell you the same thing I tell my mom..."if you've got money to eat out, you've got money to eat healthy at home." I bought her 2 weeks worth of healthy meals for $38. It takes scouring the ads and planning but it's very doable. Nutritional info on menus is wrong by up to 25%. You're letting them take precious money on their markup and your health with the amount of fat and sodium they pump into that crap to make it taste "good."

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MERRY_XMAS 1/14/2013 6:44AM

    Seems like a great plan! Eating out is very difficult, maybe you can try cooking in the weekend and having to warm some frozen meals during the week instead of going out.

emoticon emoticon

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CHRISTIE_UIOWA 1/13/2013 9:37PM

    Sounds like you're on track! I always feel so much better after I set goals! And I totally hear you about grocery shopping....healthy food is so expensive...so frustrating! Here's to a great week! emoticon

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2013...full of motivation :)

Friday, January 11, 2013

Hey guys! It has been sooo long since I have written a blog...hence the awful weight gain. I dont know exactly how much because I dont have a scale at the moment, but I wouldn't be surprised if I am at my highest again :( it hurts me to type that. I could go on and on about how I can't believe I let myself do this and yadda yadda but Ive been there done that and juts need to move on.

SO, on to motivation :) I have my dreaded 10 year high school reunion this year, and as of right now I am probably about the same size as I was in high school. Which can be ok, but I'd much rather be thinner of course.

2nd motivation this year is a cruise :) I have decided I will finally go on the cruise I have been dreaming of for years. Im shooting for September of this year and I will be booking it as soon as I get my tax return :) and the boyfriend is going with me. So, time to get hot for the beach!

3rd is my best friend's wedding in which I will be a bridesmaid :) Im so excited for her and cant wait for the big day. But I dont want to be a big bridesmaid :( So, I will lose this weight! and fit into a cute smaller bridesmaid dress! and be confident in the pictures. '

There you go! my motivations for this coming year :) everyone kick my butt please! I have to do this! I will not let these events come and realize I did nothing to make myself happier and healthier. I am counting on Spark to get me there again!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ASHWILLDOTHIS 1/15/2013 11:09AM

    YOU GOT THIS BESTIE!! We're going to HOTT at my wedding!!


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FITBECKSRN24 1/12/2013 5:25PM

    Ugh I am dreading my ten year as well! Awesome goals Girly!! Ill be here to help all the way :). You can do it!! Xoxo

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MELLYBEANS0919 1/11/2013 10:53PM

    Glad you are back, great motivators to get you going. You can do this!

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MERRY_XMAS 1/11/2013 5:57PM

    Sounds like a great year!
You have many reasons to stick to the program!


PS. Welcome back!

Comment edited on: 1/11/2013 5:57:19 PM

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WW weigh in #3

Sunday, August 19, 2012

I only lost 0.8 pounds this week. I lost 12.4 in 3 weeks so it is to be expected. Ill just have to step it up this next week.
Yesterday, I still had my cheat meal :) Mexican food is my weakness! and then I decided I needed to have some drinks....a few too many drinks! so, we will see how that affects my weight haha OH WELL!
Everyone have a great week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DANIE11ECINCY 9/11/2012 5:35PM

    Wow, 12 lbs in three weeks? Oh my goodness! That's amazing! emoticon !!!

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CNWFIT 9/1/2012 10:57AM

    Keep it up girlfriend!!!

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ASHWILLDOTHIS 8/21/2012 8:10AM


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ANDREAG89 8/20/2012 9:47PM

    Congratulations! I agree...a loss is a loss! It's wonderful to see the scale hit some lesser numbers, isn't it? Keep up the good work!

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MELLYBEANS0919 8/20/2012 11:06AM

    You are doing SO amazing!

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BELIEVER104 8/19/2012 9:00PM

    Great job on another loss!

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MRS.CARLY 8/19/2012 4:10PM

    I think you are doing really good! 12 is a lot in three weeks! it has taken me 3 months to lose that much in the past!

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KAYKAYGETSFIT 8/19/2012 3:13PM

    Hey, a loss is a loss! You are doing so well!! YOU GO GIRL!

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WW weigh in #2

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Down another 5.4!! That's 12.4 all together!! :) feeling awesome. I just really need to step up in the workout department. I've got the eating down perfectly, it's the working out I can't get my head in. :( but I'll give it time....itll happen!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRS.CARLY 8/18/2012 1:11PM

    I just got my mom to start weight watchers! It sounds like you are doing really well!!!

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ANDREAG89 8/13/2012 11:01PM

    Congratulations! That must feel awesome to lose 12+ pounds. Good job building that momentum!

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KAYKAYGETSFIT 8/13/2012 3:56PM

    You've so GOT this!!!

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GIRL*IN*MOTION 8/13/2012 3:11PM

  thats fantastic!!! way to go :)

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MELLYBEANS0919 8/13/2012 1:49PM


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ASHWILLDOTHIS 8/12/2012 9:57PM


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