Thursday, July 21, 2011
The stressmonster is on the prowl again.
Many times over the last 4 months - while weight loss has been relatively pain-free and gym habits easy to maintain - I have wondered how in the WORLD I got where I was at my starting point. If it is THIS easy to lose weight and THIS easy to go to the gym regularly, why did I spent the last 10 years of my life 25-35 pounds overweight with just a few short spells even approaching a normal weight? Why, why, why? On a basic level I understood that it was because I had been so busy taking care of the people I love that I hadn't made time to take care of myself. That says a lot about where I put myself on my own priority list over the years. Not much sense of self worth for me over the years. BUT, but, but.... I've been changing that, I really have. I understand that I need to - have every right to - and have a family that supports my efforts to take care of myself. I have thrived and, amazingly enough, so have all those people that I put so much higher on the priority list over the years.
And yet this week, the stressmonster is lurking around my house. Prowling the yard. Peering in the windows. 'I'm coming for you on Friday. I'm going to BRING YOU DOWN. There's nothing you can do about it.' Lumber, glare, prowl. And I remember that some of what has gone on in the last 10 years is way bigger than not loving myself enough. Way bigger than the normal stresses any woman or mother faces. Big and isolating and scary and rare. My daughter was born with a large number of complex congenital anomalies and I have not coped well with the roller coaster ride that we've been taken on trying to meet her needs - medical, emotional, and educational - in the last 10 (almost 11) years. Friday we have the big annual confab where we sit in a room in front of over a dozen doctors and get told what's next. And we don't really have much say in what that will be. And we sure can't pick when it will happen. And we most definitely can not, not ever, not ever ever, expect that things will go as we expect them to.
That's the stressmonster. And as much as intellectually I know that I'm in better shape physically and emotionally than I've been in well over a decade, I just can't help being scared.
Update 7/22: The stressmonster has been sent packing. Barring unexpected complications, no action need be taken until we return for a follow-up in one year. Woo! My healthy lifestyle will be that much more cemented in a year! On the way out one of my daughter's surgeons said to me that the whole family looked really good. He's observant. I'm sure that's his way of acknowledging that we are all much healthier and less stressed looking than we've been the last few stressful years. :-)