Friday, August 24, 2012
Yesterday I read NancyAnne55's blog entry on maintenance: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_j
Hidden in there with all sorts of things I've already realized about maintenance and come to accept were 3 little words: 'It's worth it.'
The entire blog post resonated with me. Maintenance is hard. Not because exercise is hard. I love it. Not because eating well is hard. I love good, real food. Maintenance is hard because it requires constant vigilance and constant vigilance requires that I make myself a priority. And that, my friends, has ALWAYS been a struggle for me.
I don't know why but I struggle to see MYSELF as 'worth it'. It contributed to my weight gain and to staying overweight for so long. I didn't make time to exercise because it might take away from my availability to meet the needs of my family. I didn't make the time or spend the money to eat right unless my husband was on board because doing that just for myself didn't seem worth it.
Someday I ought to blog about the year that brought me to the place where I was no more afraid to be 'selfish' enough to lose weight than I was to continue to be overweight and inactive. Suffice it to say there were a LOT of years of feeling like I wasn't worth it and I finally got to a point where I realized that if I didn't put myself first no one else was ever going to do it.
That carried me for 3 months. I lost 18 pounds. And then my son had some educational crises and my daughter some medical ones and all of a sudden I really could not put myself so high on the priority list. This is where another line from NancyAnne55's blog post hit home. She said of a weight regain, "Took me years to be ready to lose it again." I had 10 years history of losing and regaining and needing a good long time 'to be ready to lose it again'. My yo-yoing was ALL about me being emotionally ready to lose weight. All about me being able to see my needs as on par with everyone else's. I lost myself in getting my kids back on track and didn't snap out of it until my 40th birthday was less than a month away and I was 30 pounds overweight after saying for YEARS that I didn't want to be overweight when I turned 40. I set a goal of joining the gym before Lent was over. It took me a few weeks to be ready but I did it.
And for months I was in my groove. Seriously successful at saying 'I *am* worth it!' and not letting anyone take that away from me. Loss over loss over loss over loss. I got strong, I got toned, I got lean. I blew past 30 pounds lost and settled in at 50 pounds lost 7 months after my 40th birthday.
Then as I neared my 41st birthday I got a bit lost again. Not like before. A few pounds up. And I cycled up and down at goal for a few months. Spring is always a really hard time for me emotionally. I guess it's not SAD.... it's the wrong time of year, right? But it's definitely not 'situational' because I weathered a LOT of stressful events in the intervening year and nothing major was going on in those months. Just a time where I didn't feel worth it and didn't focus quite so much on eating like I should or exercising with the same kind of focus. As spring became summer my focus returned and I was able to shed those few pounds and 5 more and 'peak' for my cruise in July.
And then I got lost again. This time it wasn't me. This time I had someone saying I wasn't worth it. Gold digger. Selfish. Obsessed with exercise. Comments about how I eat. Comments about how I (don't) drink. Totally unsupportive stuff. And I let it get to me. I'm working on shaking it off. And I've talked to someone who has years of experience with this negative person who told me that that's ALL I can do - shake it off - because he's never going to stop and calling him on it will just make it worse for me. So I'm trying. And it's hard. It's really, really hard to feel like I am worth it when these comments are still bouncing around my head unaddressed. It amazes me that a week of negative messages out of a year of positivity can have this affect. It's almost like being physically assaulted. I need time to heal from it. Every day I am feeling more on top of things again. My eating has calmed down. My exercise is getting more focused.
Looking at the graph of my weight I can see 3 baubles. One big uptick last August when I spent 2 weeks with the negative person. One small broad uptick last spring when I was feeling blue. One small, hopefully narrow, uptick that I'm in right now as I recover from this year's round with Mr. Negative. It's just like all my years of yo-yo'ing only the ups are so much smaller and it doesn't "[take] me years to be ready to lose it again.' It's progress but it does highlight that dealing with feelings of being 'not worth it' is probably going to be the biggest impediment to maintenance for me.
'They' say that losing weight won't solve your problems. That's only partially true for me. Losing weight has NOT fixed whatever causes my spring blues. Losing weight has NOT made me immune to negativity. BUT losing weight has done a LOT to build my self-worth. I set a REALLY big goal and I met it. Now I need to continue to work on feeling like I am worth it. I have a physical in December and I'm going to talk to my doctor about the possibility of taking antidepressants in the spring. With a strong family history of depression, I think it's likely that that is chemical in nature and may only respond to medication. I haven't figured out how to deal with negative people that I can not remove from my life. I've removed a LOT of negative people but some of the negativity is here to stay and I need to figure out how to cope with it.
So... there you go..... the issues that contributed to my weight gain are still here but my success at weight loss and maintenance is giving me the strength to continue to address them :-)
Thursday, August 23, 2012
I am reading the blog of a new friend add here on Spark People and she did a 30 days of blogging activity base on this picture:
I'm thinking it would be fun to do this in September (30 days hath September blah blah blah). Some days might not work ideally for someone into maintenance but I can adapt them or talk about my journey on those days. And if I miss a day, I'll just double up. So NOT into the pressure of having one more thing I MUST DO as a streak. Um, no.
Might keep me from obsessing about weight, measurement, body fat, and fitness minutia. Might.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
I've gotten 3 runs in since I last updated. My achilles seems fine. I never deal with shin splints. But now my hips are bothering me the day after I run (and sometimes the day after that). I have no clue what's going on there. Looking online it could be my posture or it could be a leg length discrepancy. I need to do some more reading but for now if I still hurt on Thursday I don't run again on Thursday.
Running for 2012:
67.25 miles + 2 + 2 + 3.25 = 74.5 miles
1 month until my next 5K.
I did workout A of base phase of The Female Body Breakthrough yesterday. I got sweaty and I really feel it today, especially in my biceps and deltoids. So... I guess I don't need to worry that going back to the base phase means I'll get nothing out of those workouts! I just upped the weights and - bam - real workout. So, for now, I will likely do FBB workouts 2x a week and try out other things for my third strength training day (the Power class, workouts from magazines, workouts from my trainer, etc). I'll keep my Centergy and running schedule the same.
I emailed and then spoke with the gym manager about wanting a small group class at the gym. Turns out the gym can not offer them. ONLY the contracted personal training company can offer small groups. I've already talked to the manager of that company about my desire to be part of a small group focused on strength training with either a particular focus (ie shoulders/arms, butt/legs, core) or a particular type of workout (TRX, kettle bells). Nada. It seems the only want to work one-on-one in 30' sessions and I.am.not.interested. (1) I have a trainer and I don't want to switch. (2) I workout for an hour. Not 30'. A 30' ST session with a trainer is a waste of a ST day for me! I am frustrated. I even wrote to one of the trainers who I have seen leading small groups in the past and let her know what I'm after. Next I'll talk to my trainer. I suspect he doesn't have a large enough client base to have call for what I'm after during the hours that I'm after it.... but it's worth asking him about. If I never ask for what I want, I'll never get it, right?
Edited to add: I talked to my trainer and he just might be able to put something together! Woo! I think he 'got' what I am after. A little bit of social connection through fitness.... without it turning into socializing in the guise of fitness. I'm hopeful!
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