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Soul Searching - Part 2

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

First I want to start off by thanking everyone for the sweet and supportive comments that were left on Part 1 of this blog. I was really taken aback by all the love that y'all showed me. I was even surprised by who the support was coming from. I want to also give a special thanks to my dear friend MJ (MaryJaneFitAt50) for helping me to realize that labels are not necessarily the same thing as JUDGEMENT! For some reason, I take certain labels as a form of judgement against who I am when that is not how they're intended. Also, MJ wrote a blog today about loving yourself and I read it after I decided that I wasn't going to workout because I was tired. This blog made me realize that today I wasn't loving myself enough to do the workout that my body needs and wants.

So what has changed for me since the last blog:

1) I joined one of the No More Smoking teams here on Spark. I've already learned some very valuable ways to kick the habit and what to do when the urge comes on! I talked to Reiko about quitting smoking and I finally accepted that just because I want her to quit when I quit, doesn't mean that she has to. She has to quit when she's ready, on her own terms, and that doesn't mean that I can't quit in the mean time. She of course agreed to smoke outside and not offer my cigarettes and completely support me. We talked about the electronic cigarette, but for right now I want to try and quit on my own. That may be something I consider later.

2) I'm going to do my best to start running. Another dear friend Lillie (TheMightyLillie) introduced me to the MiCoach app from Adidas which I would recommend to anyone interested in running. I was able to set up my own program which starts with an assessment, so the program is based on what you can do, at your current fitness level. By the time the program is over, you should have increased your fitness level and be able to run farther, for longer. However that was never really the problem. My own insecurities are what keep me from getting out there, pounding the pavement. I've decided to start this running program while I'm on vacation. Why you ask? Because I'll be in Missouri where the weather is cooler and I don't know anyone. I figure if I can get comfortable running in a "no judgment" environment, than hopefully I can come back here with a little more confidence and keep going. It's a tentative plan, so we'll see.

3) One of the other things that I've been struggling with, that I didn't get to cover in the first blog, is working out. I originally started out doing 30 min of cardio, then I decided that was going to start doing 60 min. However, I do not like working out and knowing that I had to do 60 min was so overwhelming to me, that it was making me not want to work out at all. Let me rephrase, it's not that I don't like working out. Once I'm doing it and when I'm finished I feel great. I have a sense of accomplishment and I feel good about myself. It's the leading up to working out that is horrendous for me. After a good talking to, I realized that I need to go back to my 30 minutes. Something is better than nothing and forcing myself to do an hour is setting myself up for failure!

4) Like I mentioned I'm going on vacation next week and I was worried about how I would stick to plan. I'll be in the mountains with no cell service and very limited dial-up internet access. Would I still get my workouts in? Would I still eat healthy? Luckily, my in-laws grow all their own vegetables so I have a wide assortment of fresh, organic veggies at my fingertips. They know that I'm trying to lead a healthy lifestyle, so there is lots of chicken and fish and sushi (my favorite food) in my future! The working out will be up to me to get it in, but Reiko has promised to make sure I stay active. They have a pool so at the very least I could swim every day. We're also going to go fishing, which burns quite a few calories if you don't sit down! I wanted to go for a hike, but I don't have the proper shoes and we can't afford to buy any right now. So between the swimming, running, and ST (I'm bringing my resistance band) I should have a pretty successful week!

I just hate that I seem to be losing steam so early on in my journey. I have a long road ahead of me, I just hope I can keep pushing forward. I know I can, I just have to make myself!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOVESTYPOS 6/9/2011 4:35PM

    Congratulations on being able to understand what you need and how to try to get it. Quitting smoking is a very difficult thing to do, but if you can do that, you can do almost anything! Just remember, you are not alone. Spark friends are here for you!

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    TaMara--- I don't think this is "losing steam"..... I think this is being realistic and stepping back and looking at the whole picture! It is mature and intelligent and worth doing! I am SO proud of you for making these leaps... I know they are big ones for anyone! You are going to do sooo awesome with all of your goals. Remember as you go on that: 1. we are ALL here to support you 2. YOU are super strong and have everything it takes to make it happen and 3. this is the rest of your life so working your way up to long exercise can come later on-- for now, you have to find a place that is comfortable but that still gives you a little struggle.... running is a good choice for that!

I can't wait to hear all about everything!!!! Keep me updated!

OH!! PS: when you start the MiCoach program.. if you find that the blue zone is too fast for you to do comfortably (the blue zone should be a comfortable but fast walk), here is how you lower it: log in to MiCoach online and click the "settings" tab at the top..... then click "Adjust zones" on the "Cardio Training" tab. You can tell MiCoach if your zones were just too hard or if they were too easy and they will adjust them to fit YOU.

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SHELLYBABE2 6/9/2011 3:07PM

    Glad you have such a positive plan of action, your holiday sounds like it will be fantastic and the ideal place and time to kick start things off! Wishing you the best of luck and look forward to hearing more of your journey!


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TRUE-NESS 6/9/2011 10:37AM

    I totally understand what you're saying about feeling overwhelmed by the "60 minute" cardio goal. I've felt the same way over the years about strength training. I've wanted to do it and knew that I needed to do it, but I've never done it without a tape or dvd assistance. Sometimes the tapes/dvds can be kind of long. I was overwhelmed by the time investment that I would have to make on top of the time for cardio. So I just wouldn't do it at all. With the SP generated strength training, I find that at anytime I can just pick up my dumbbells and start some strength training. As long as I know HOW to do it. So, that's less of a time investment for me and is causing me to really commit to doing it 3x's weekly.

Also something that might help you is my own experience with the "60 minute" cardio goal. Oftentimes in my journey, I found that when I DID NOT have a goal of working out for 60 minutes, I actually did. LOL Sometimes when I just don't feel like working out AT ALL I tell myself to just get on the treadmill for 15-20 minutes. That's nothing, really. But, I tell myself that just so that I will put my clothes on and get on the treadmill. I know that FOR ME, the 15-20 minutes is enough to get my heart pumping and when that happens I will WANT to continue. It just feels good. That has really helped me to consistently exercise and keep up the momentum.

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TURTLE_MOM 6/8/2011 8:59PM

    Starting running while on vacation is a great idea - that is when I started riding my bike! Also due to the weather!

I think you took a great blog - looking for some answers, and then you thought about what you wanted to do and took advice from others. Now you have a plan and you are moving forward! I think your plans are great, and I KNOW you will be successful!

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 6/8/2011 7:51PM

    TaMara! You made me smile, blush, and tear up a little. You are so very sweet! I'm glad you found something of value in my blog. Thank you! Here's some labels for you: TaMara? She's an ASSET; she's an INSPIRER; she's a FRIEND!

I am so thrilled that you are going to work on the smoking. Reiko may just get a whole lot of inspiration from your success. I'm so glad she is on board to support you. Let me know if I can offer help or advice in any way. I quit in 2000 after more than 20 years of smoking. It was one of the hardest things I ever did, no lie, but oh my goodness the difference it made in my ability to smell, taste, breathe and ENJOY things so much more!

We are going to miss you during the time of limited access, but how cool is it that you have it planned out to get some healthy eating in and exercise as well. THAT is dedication.

I don't think you are losing steam. You are realigning and learning to adjust things so that you don't burn out completely. It's healthy for your body AND your mind to know what is and isn't working for you and motivating you.
Keep on searching that soul of yours, my friend...It is a very, very insightful and inspirational journey to read about!

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POOKASLUAGH 6/8/2011 7:35PM

    For some reason I missed your Part 1 blog! I'll have to go back and read it when I'm done here.

I completely agree with you on the 30 vs 60 minute thing. That's a really big jump to make. Maybe you can eventually get to the point where you love an hour workout, but definitely take it at your own pace rather than trying to ramp up too quickly!

We all need time off to sit back and evaluate our situations and our paths going forward. I wish you all the luck with the quitting smoking thing, which I know is really, really hard. We are all here for you. :)

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Soul Searching - Part One

Monday, June 06, 2011

I have a lot going on and I need to get my head straight. This is really more for me, than for anyone else, to get my thoughts and feelings and ideas organized so that I can make sense of them all. I've been struggling for a while, but have been focusing on other people and their journey to keep me motivated. It's been working fairly well until today. I woke up this morning and just felt....blah, for lack of a better word.

The Problems

1) I want/need to quit smoking. I know that I can quit smoking, I've done it before. But I've never tried to quit while living with a smoker. On my own I can ignore cravings, but that is near impossible when the person next to you is smoking. When the person next to you is literally a chain smoker, it seems easier to join em if you can't beat em. Lucky for me I've never been that kind of smoker. I only smoke after meals, while I'm driving, and while I'm socializing. Typiclly on days I'm home by myself I don't smoke until after lunch, but on the days that Reiko is off from work, I find myself smoking all day long! Reiko is not ready to quit and I can't force that on her. So then I have to do this on my own right? It's not that I crave cigarettes, but it's a habit. I'm actually the perfect candidate to quit smoking because I'm way to lazy to go get a pack when I don't have any. So I joined the No More Smoking team today! But we're driving to Missouri with stops in Dallas and Joplin on Saturday. I will be trapped in the car with two smokers! How am I supposed to quit smoking in a situation like that? Should I just wait till I get back? This will require more pondering on my part!

2) I really want to start running, but I need to quit smoking first, but that's not the problem. I have got to figure out a way to get my head under control and stop worrying what people are saying or thinking about me. I'm one of those people who intently worries, every second of every day, how I look on the outside to others. It's not even really that I care, but after years of getting judged by what you look like on the outside and people rarely taking the time to get to know you for who you are , it's hard not to care. After all these years, I have to admit it has taken a toll on my mentallity. I know I'm pretty f*ing cool. My friends know. My family knows. I'm funny, sarcastic, smart, caring, creative, trust-worthy, etc. The list goes on, but I don't wanna brag! I've been trapped in my own body for so long, I don't know how to bust out and say: "This is me! This is who I am! I'm more than just the fat girl!" I guess because I've been judged so much in the past, I have a wall up now. You can't hurt me if I don't let you in. And where does that leave me? Missing out on opportunities to meet new people and make new friends. I've learned to keep to myself so as not to give people any fuel to feed the fire! I just don't like being labeled! For instance: People automatically want to call me a lesbian, because I'm married to a woman. {a) i can't believe I'm writing this and b) she's the most amazing woman in the world} I like guys, dated guys, find guys really attractive, but I just happen to fall madly in love with Reiko. So I tend to not tell people, especially women, cause I've had people who I thought were my friends, stop being my friend once they found out. Looking back on it, they had a problem, not me. It was their issue, not mine. "Really, you're not my type, so you should get over yourself and I don't hit on friends...who are straight!" My point is that it took me over a month to "reveal" I had a wife. I look "straight" so when I said married, people automatically assumed husband. The fact that I've been able to disclose that, with a I-don't-care-if-they-don't-like-me attitude is huge for me. I thought things were changing, but every morning I wake up and think today is the day I will start running. Then that nagging voice in my head chimes up: "They're all going to laugh at you", "Remember that time ...(insert embarrasing moment here)...", "You're to fat to run anyway", You won't be able to run the whole way and when you stop they're going talk about you", etc...

The same goes for wanting to take a gym class. To traumatized to go be around a bunch of skinny bitches (no offense, I to one day will be a skinny bitch) who knows all the moves. I'm just way to awkward. I spend so much time and energy focusing on the negative, that is usually happens. I trip in front of a crowd of students, I run into people. I don't even smile at people anymore because I don't want girls to think I'm trying to be their friend and I don't want boys to think I'm hitting on them. I've somehow managed to go my entire college career without making one real friend on campus! On a typical day of school these things run through my head: don't trip, don't fall, is my shirt riding up in the back, am I sweating, will I fit in this desk, OMG I'm out of breath from the stairs, stop breathing so loud!!!, the list goes on and on. Literally! Why am I so scared? I can not seem to break free from this fear that has a hold of me. It's so ridiculous, that I'm starting to get pissed off. Maybe that's what I need.

I need my fire, my SPARK back! I didn't realize that was the problem until right now. This blog has actually gone off in a different direction that I wans't prepared for, but maybe this is the real issue. I just want to be liked, to be accepted. Why do I care? It's like being in high school all over again. Ugh!

Ok, ok. Now I have a lot more thinking to do. I'll have to revisit this again later.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

POOKASLUAGH 6/8/2011 7:44PM

    I'm really sorry I missed this blog, TaMara. I feel bad I wasn't here to say anything when you needed support. :(

I figure it's better late than never, though, right? Particularly because I can relate so well on the whole self-consciousness and people looking at your part. If you've read my story of how I came to this weight loss program, you'll know that it was shame and self-consciousness that led me here. The shame was so intense that I never wanted to leave my house for fear of people staring at me, and I was even dreaming about the unwanted negative attention. Even now, after losing a lot of weight and looking much healthier, it is difficult for me to go down to my local park and run. I still haven't gotten up the courage to join a gym. I don't know how to make that any easier and I dont' really have any advice to offer - just understanding and empathy.

I also can empathize regarding your marraige. I am married to a man and have three kids, so it's easy to hide my sexuality from the world (and my family). But the truth is, I've been attracted to both men and women from the time that I was young. I consider myself bisexual, even if the person I happened to fall in love with enough to marry is a man. But I know how people react when I say I'm bisexual, often thinking that "bisexual" is the same as "promiscious," as if by being attracted to both sexes, that means I'm out sleeping with women even though I'm married. So I usually keep that to myself. I only barely put up that I was bisexual on my page here on Spark after over three months. Again, I know it's not the same situation, but I do know that awkwardness that follows and the assumptions people make.

Of course, leaving this comment late means that you've gone through a lot of this soul-searching and coming to decisions already, and I know what I'm saying here isn't going to help much with that. But I hope that perhaps this can be one more voice to help you feel less lost or alone. I hope you get your Spark back!! :)

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CAROL5250 6/8/2011 10:45AM

    TaMara, I really liked this blog and can relate to it in so many ways. The smoking thing...well, I don't smoke, but my husband does, and it is a pain. He doesn't smoke in the house, which means he spends hours and hours outside away from the family. It has also done lots of damage to his teeth(which probably would have been bad anyway from his DNA).
The part I relate to is the self-conscious thing. I am very clumsy. In fact, my mom said the nuns in 3rd grade told her to get me dance lessons so that I could improve my coordination. I like the classes at the gym, but it takes me a long time to feel comfortable there. I always stay in the back of the class and try not to be too out of step. I have scoliosis and am very curved/twisted. I feel like the hunchback of Notre Dame sometimes. I had surgery when I was 12 and have rods and fusion and so I can't bend my back. I also limp a little, esp when I am tired. People see me and ask if I hurt myself, and I just answer, "no, I'm just crooked." So, being overweight isn't the only thing to be self-conscious about. At least I can change that.... You know, the more I look at my response to your blog, to more it makes me look like a freak. Really, I'm not. Thank you for your blog and for all your encouragement to the team. You are special.
Carol emoticon

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    TaMara, I just want to hug you right now! I could relate to so much of what you said about feeling self-conscious, worrying about labels, tripping over my own feet...the list goes on and on. (Just ask Sarah about the Body Combat class I tried to take with her at the gym....I was so ungraceful that I kept almost hitting the people around me and got so winded I didn't make it through the second half of the class!)

Everyone else has expressed so eloquently that the people who will judge you or label you or reject you are not worth your time, and I agree. I can't say it much better than they have, but let me add this: you are a unique, amazing combination of so many thoughts and feelings and likes and dislikes and ideas and experiences and emotions. There is no one else like you on this earth - you are precious and unique and one-of-a-kind. Be exactly who you are, because you are a wonderful person. Anyone who judges you on looks, beliefs, or anything else are simply cheating themselves out of having you as a friend - they don't know what they are missing out on.

Comment edited on: 6/7/2011 9:53:00 PM

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NESSA_79 6/7/2011 9:33PM

    I wish you the best, and I hope that making this blog took a lot of pressure off of you. I use to go through life worrying about what people thought of me, and watching every move I make to please everyone else. One day, I started realizing how unhappy I was. I decided to figure out what it was that I wanted...Noone else. I had an all about me day. As far as people, I also learned that sometimes people already have their perception of you before you can open your mouth to say Hi. People used to think that I was snotty. I couldn't believe that! I use to have a million things going on in my head while I was walking around, so I honestly didn't see anyone else around me. I wasn't trying to be snotty, because I'm usually the outgoing, fun, person who starts a conversation up or speak. My friend and family knew this. So when other people learn me, they are like WOW, she is crazy!(In a good way, of course). Knowing how early perception made me feel, it taught me how not to be. I'm not a lesbian, but I have a great, beautiful friend that is. Not once have I felt like she would hit on me. It's like an unspoken respect. She knows that I love men. Just like I know that I have a real friend at the end of the day. You have to learn that no matter what, you can't please people. Just know and keep telling yourself that you are somebody!

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BYUTIFULLE 6/7/2011 4:58PM

    Your story really hits home with me.
With the trip to Missouri, I would stay start now. You donít have to go cold turkey, but you should definitely make an effort. For instance, donít bring a pack of cigs with you. That way if you find that you want to smoke, youíll have to ask them for one. Eventually, youíll start noticing how many times you are asking and maybe try to limit yourself. Or maybe you can limit your smoking on the trip by half so that you arenít smoking with them every time theyíre smoking. Also, just tell youíre friends that you are trying to quit. That doesnít mean that they have to stop, but that you are making an effort to stop. I mean, there is always going to be someone smoking, but the only person you can control is yourself.

Running burns so many calories, that in the end it will all be worth it. In a perfect world, no one is going to talk about you or judge you because you are bettering yourself. But in America, people are going to talk. They are going to judge, they are going to stare, and they are going to pick at you. But every single time you get through one of those situations, you become stronger. Being in college, there is one thing that I have learned, no matter if you are fat, skinny, light, dark, short, tall, red, white, or blue, people will always talk. I mean think about Kim Kardashian. She is idolized by America for her body, but people talk about her all the time. But if you let people define you by their thoughts of you, you limit your potential to be anyone that you want to be. Iíve changed by ideology so that I focus more on what I think about myself, then on what otherís think about me. Just because someone calls me ugly, doesnít mean that Iím going go the rest of the day thinking that Iím ugly. Even if someone calls me beautiful, Iím not going to start walking around thinking that Iím the baddest chick. Because itís not what others think about you, itís what you think about yourself. So they can call me whatever, at the end of the day that doesnít define me. Why? Because Iím me. Iím me, before I put my makeup on, and Iím me after I wipe it off. Iím me whether I like girls, boys, cats, dogs, salt, or pepper. Iím me at 220 lbs, and Iím going to be me at 135. Heck, Iím going to be me, even if I weigh a thousand and one pounds. Remember, who you are doing this forÖYou.

So just remember that when you run or exercise. Get in your zone, and donít look at people. Donít even acknowledge that they are there. Put your earphones on and do you until you get out of the gym. ďIf a tree falls in the middle of the woods, but no one hears it, does it still fall?Ē Yeah it still falls, but does it affect you, No. So if people have stuff to say and you pay them no mind, are they still going to be talking about you? Yep. But will it affect you? After all, we arenít worried about them. Itís all about you. And you have a whole Spark Family to let you know that itís all about you.

And about the skinny chicks, shoot, FORGET THEM. Show them how curvy girls work it! If you donít think youíll be able to keep up in a Hard Core kickboxing class, take a hip hop class. Or better yet, take a Salsa class (thatís the hardest dance to do anyway so everybody will be messing up lol). Or just buy some workout/dance videos to do in your house.

And believe me, I was sitting back the other day thinking to myself that when it comes to my college friend, there is no one who I would call my ride or die. So donít feel bad because I donít have any real college friends either.

Just remember that everyone has insecurities. EVERYONE! And deep down no one wants to be called out on them. You have to realize that whenever people are so focused on your flaws, itís because they are trying to mask or cover their own. So donít let that affect you. Be thankful, that you are funny, sarcastic, smart, caring, creative, trust-worthy and they donít have half those characteristics. And if thatís not enough, at the end of the day you can flip a bird to everyone else, because you have an amazing wife who thinks all those things plus more about you.

Okay, I've talked enough, I'm done, I promise. emoticon

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SHELLYBABE2 6/7/2011 11:03AM

    emoticon glad you got that off your chest, it wasn't doing your head any good! I can't offer any advice on quitting smoking, I do appreciate how difficult it can be but is definitely worth the health benefits.

On joining the gym, I joined 2 weeks after starting my spark journey back in January and felt EXACTLY how you do, and I won't lie it wasn't easy going to begin with, on my induction I couldn't even spend 2 minutes on most machines without nearly passing out and feeling like I was suffering an asthma attack - I felt humiliated! I perservered and now visit 3-4 times a week and am the driving force in dragging my husband along not the other way around which is how I thought it would be. I really was self conscious in exactly the same way as you seem to be - and to be brutally honest, nobody really notices but you! I think at my most self conscious, almost paranoid phase I think I was invisible to all but me but you would have thought I was centre stage with fingers pointing my way and a spot light following me round!

On the friends front, you just didn't find the right friends because whether you are married to a man or a woman, you are an individual that would want to be liked for who you are not for who your choose to sleep with, it's not as if i have to say to anyone I'm married and it's to a man so why should you have to do the opposite? There are too many labels in this world and quite frankly people just need to get over their prejudices etc as that is their problem not the label they are prejudiced against.

I really didn't mean to go on so much just wanted to lend another shoulder to say lean a little this way as you have a lot on your plate. I really hope you sort your head because that's the only way you will be truly successful and happy and we all want that for you! Good luck on your journey - remember the hardest fought battles offer the sweetest rewards (and i don't mean food! lol)

Sometimes we just need to jump and make that change now, if we worked as hard at battling something as we do procrastinating we would be so much further down the road on all of our journeys'.

Take care and just do the right thing for you!

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    It's very hard for me to give advice on quitting smoking because for me it was just deciding. I did also live with two heavy smokers, but I just one day made up my mind and did it, I have been smoke free for 2 years in April now, and it was the best thing I ever did, upside to losing weight! I have been told by others though that it is just not that easy, but it was for me, I just had to decide! Good luck, you can do it!

First of all... people can only do to you what you allow them to do... wow, I had a hard time with that as well! It was so hard for me not to blame them, but in all reality it was my own mind set that was controlling the issue, and most the time, no one was even talking about me. So, I know so well where you are coming from. You have to reprogram your mind, I used CBT to do it, myself. Cognitive Behavior Therapy, basically you keep a little notebook with you and every time you feel like that, you write it down. Write down why you felt that way, how it made you feel, and what you felt, basically all the W's of it. Then you take the time to say, "ok now how should I have felt, was there a reason for the feeling to begin with? etc..." After a while, it become so natural that you end up changing your way of thinking, and people no longer bother you with their pettiness.

I think you are awesomely strong and I know you can do this for yourself! if you can step out about the love of your life, then you can do this for you!

Ok now I have to do my giving out the spark jig...

Saw today that you were feeling a little blue and losing your spark, so I come by to give you some sunshine and send some sparks flying your way!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Cheer up, you can do this! You have it in your to do what you choose, just decide!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Tell yourself you are strong...
and then the next step...
it's so simple...

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

How can you not smile with that lookin' at ya!

Get up and dance...
Do a little jigg...
Smile like your life depends on it...
Just don't quit!

Smile that beautiful smile and keep saying it...
I can do it...
I am worth it...
It doesn't matter what others think...
I am worth it...

I can do it...
I am worth it...
It doesn't matter what others think...
I am worth it...


Comment edited on: 6/7/2011 10:24:58 AM

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ELEXEY 6/7/2011 3:56AM

    Oh my, how I can feel your heart in this blog. First we'll cover smoking. I also quit smoking while living with a smoker. It was really hard (he does want to quit, just hasn't been successful)I quit cold turkey with dum dum suckers, I was more addicted to the action of smoking than the cigarettes themselves. Morning coffee was the hardest. When I asked his support, I asked if he would please quit smoking in the house, and he did, that helped me so much and I'm so blessed to have that support. Maybe R can support you by not smoking around you at all?
Having a wife- You can't help who you fall in love with. And you should never be worried about people's reactions about it either because "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind!" I know that it seems you obsess much about what others think, and it's really hard to grow out of that (I know that first hand), but she's your wife, you love her, don't hide her.
Running and the rest- I get it because I worry about how bad my booty bounces when I run (a lot btw, even after losing 73 pounds my booty bounces so hard sometimes I feel like it'll bounce off!) So naturally if I'm running on the treadmill at the gym, I'm looking around to see who's watching me, and you know what, not once have I ever seen anybody watching me. I think we get an idea in our head that we are much more on other people's minds than we really are (does that make us conceited? Hmmm.)
All in all it comes down to this, enjoy it, this beautiful life, because it's the only one we have, and it's so short. I don't want to spend it worrying about what other people think of me, or if I'm too jiggly while I'm waving, or hiding behind something because I'm too ashamed of myself to get out there and dance! Come on girl, you are too awesome to hide!!! I know you said you know that, I'm just re-affirming!!!

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    I am so commenting to myself on this one, ok?

First of all, I know we talked for awhile so I won't repeat myself too much.... but on the smoking front--- you CAN do it. You need to talk to Reiko about some sort of compromise and go with it!

As for the running... I believe you can do that, too! I know you are capable and if you WANT IT.... do it!

Ok-- labels and self-consciousness. The way I see it, if people want to label you, accept those labels if they are true and WEAR THEM LIKE BADGES!!! I have always been "the blonde" "weird" "too energetic" "heavy"... etc etc etc. My family calls me a bitch sometimes.. and you know what? It can hurt, but I embrace it all and say, "WHATEVER! You want to see a bitchy blonde.. bring. it. on." My point here is that labels are what you make them. If they apply, they make it easier for people to be comfortable with you, if they don't apply, well, you don't have to embrace them. Being a lesbian doesn't have to be a bad label. I get that you are WAAAAY more than that, but you should PROUD of who you are and that means accepting that label.. good and bad. You are worth a lot.... a lot more than any labels can describe, and really, people who are worth your time KNOW THAT ALREADY.

As for being self conscious..... I have all sorts of tricks I use to beat that awkward feeling. 1. make being YOU look cool... it is easy... embrace your confidence and let it show. Confidence is the best accessory... period. When you wear your confidence (fake or real) on the outside, you are untouchable. 2. Pretend you are drunk.... not stumbling drunk, but inhibitions-down drunk. You know the feeling.. when you are willing to say or do all sorts of stuff you wouldn't normally? Just call up that feeling and GO FOR IT. 3. if all else fails................... say out loud, "WHO F*CKING CARES???" and just DO IT. Seriously... you can throw those hands up and say that and BAM! It is like a switch goes on and you are able to face the world. Anytime you start to worry about what they think... say it OUT. LOUD. You can say it under your breath, but try it. I really get good results from that. Haha.

Maybe one of those strategies will help.. or maybe I will get the "weird" label from some people... and that is OK by me! I make "weird" look good.

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SBEAR5 6/6/2011 11:37PM

    There are... so MANY things to comment on, if I forget something, please forgive me.

Smoking: I'm so sorry that you're having to face this battle. The only thing I can think of to to ask R, to not smoke around you...

Running: oh... I know. I KNOW! I have NEVER been a runner, I had severe childhood asthma growing up and was never encouraged to run. And now??? I'm all grown up with huge knockers... I DO NOT want to run. I'm ok, if nobody's looking at me, but I HATE running around people. If you wanna meet up at a park sometime and try it out, let me know. I'll meet you. and I'm STILL not a runner, so I will not be "better" or more "skilled" than you my dear. Same with the gym classes, those are slightly worse for me though, because of all the "helpful" dang mirrors... ugh... I HATE seeing myself. I will try something out with you though... just give me a call!

Your wife: You know, I actually felt bad that I had missed that, but realized you had not mentioned it until you found your ground here... I honestly DO think you're just f*&^ing cool!

I trip, I can't walk straight, in fact there are several of us who can't. We meet up for a walk and we are CONSTANTLY bumping into eachother. It's fun and it's silly. We're f(^&ing cool too, T, and we got your back! emoticon

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SPINNINGDIVA 6/6/2011 10:27PM

    I want to first start off by giving you big emoticon
I know this blog was intended for yourself but it touched me so much that I couldn't help but to respond. I myself use to be a smoker and although it was more on a socialble status I had to make up my mind that it wasn't healthy for me and with strong determination I managage to quit cold turkey which wasn't the easiest thing. It's good that you are soul searching because with that it's going to force you to think about what's really important to you and how bad you want. Although cold turkey may not work for you there are several other options available. I don't know what your finances look like but have you considered investing in the electronic cigerrette? My cousin just recently quit smoking but using one of those maybe that will be an option for you while you are taking your road trip. Also, as someone else mentioned maybe you could have a talk with your wife and explained to her how important it to you to quit and enlist her support.

On another note, I can also relate to the whole gym thing as well with the skinny bitches...for a long time I stayed away from the gym for that same reason and worked out at home. Recently I joined my local gym and I have realized just how much I have been missing out. I've gotten to the point where I don't care what others think about me. I have to get this weight off for me and me alone. You would actually be surprised by how nice and supportive the people are in the gym. I know it's easy for everyone to give an opinion but this is defintely something that you are going to have to deal with internally but form reading your blog you are defintely going in the right direction. We are all in this together. If you ever need to talk please feel free to email me @ KingDaria33@gmail. I'm just a click away. emoticon

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LO_ML1981 6/6/2011 9:37PM

    First off, I'm SO glad that you are beginning this journey!! And yes, quitting while being married to a chain smoker is going to be hell, but just think of how wonderful you'll feel when you're not smoking anymore!!! And, maybe you could ask Reiko to please try to not tortue you with her smoking and maybe she'll take it outside?

Girl, my friend is a pack and a half smoker and she runs 3 miles a day. It's just something she's gotten used to. She was bound and determined to be a runner and she did just that.

Please remember that I'm here for you!!! emoticon emoticon


PS: If you need a buddy, please let me know!! I'll text, email, Spark messages, to stay in touch!

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 6/6/2011 9:23PM

    What a noble and honest blog. As a former smoker who was married at the time I quit to a chain smoker, I can tell you that it is NOT easy. It's one of the hardest things to do. I used patches and hard candies. The hardest times for me were when I was driving. I always had a cig in my hand while driving! I also requested that smoking be limited around me. It was so hard, but so worth it.

I also identify with the not feeling comfortable in the gym. But one thing I will say to you is that I REFUSE to NOT go there skinny bitches or not! I go in, I smile at people directly looking into their eyes and do my thing. It is very hard for someone to be catty or give you looks if you take the time to smile and look at them and acknowledge their existance. I've actually had some really great conversations and learned new things from people at the gym just by being friendly. We are all in this together, no matter what size we are when we start, right? Of course there will always be SOMEONE who has a problem, but that is THEIR problem.

Now, I will be honest with you. When I read a comment about your wife a while back, I said to someone, "Oh, TaMara's a lesbian." It's a normal human reaction. Like talking to a person for a long time on the phone or online and then finding out they are a different race from you or look totally different than you thought. That doesn't I now label you as a lesbian, when I think of you I think TaMara, great outlook, positive, encouraging. But I know labels happen, I am not naive. I'm the mother of a beautiful 34 year old woman who was married to a man when she was 21, divorced him and then lived with and loved a woman and then when she left her she ended up getting pregant with my now 10 year old grandson, then met and married the love of her life - a pre-operation transgendered darling of a person who lives life as a man. So, tell me - what label should she have? My label for her is "beautiful daughter". But I know there are others who will and have labeled her differently. We all get labels, like them or not. I do try to avoid them but I'm human and I fail a lot.

Okay, the reason for this rambling response is that even though your blog was "for you", I felt the need to reach out and respond and that's what I do so you can label me - "Long winded old gal" hee hee hee. You are facing your "problems" TaMara and you will be fine. We all have these off days and weeks. Peace!

p.s. Facing fears is very liberating. Trust me on this!

Comment edited on: 6/6/2011 9:25:18 PM

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SNAZZYMC 6/6/2011 8:22PM

    Hey, so I know you wrote this 'to yourself'....but I just wanted to comment that you are so, so, SO very not alone! I could have written much of what you did - in fact, I think a few of my recent blogs have been of a similar vein. Being on SP has helped me to realize/recognize/admit(?) that I often set myself up for failure because I am so afraid of what others think of me, or that I will look stupid.
And, coincidentally, I did quit smoking while living with a smoker. I quit just over a year ago, cold turkey; my husband still smokes. Check out the book "Alan Carr's Easy Way for Women to Stop Smoking" - after more times trying to quit than I can count, reading this book is what did it! (Sounds silly I know, but give it a shot - what have you got to lose?!) AND...I also started running, so yes, you can do that too!
Hang in there, we're all rooting for you.

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TRUE-NESS 6/6/2011 8:11PM

    I read that this was a blog that is FOR YOU. You just needed to release. I understand. I offer emoticon emoticon

AND... I just want to encourage you that you CAN stop smoking. And you CAN run! I've never been a smoker but I look at it as with any addiction (as with the food addiction that so many of us relate to). It's VERY HARD when the people in the house aren't following your path, BUT, it's not impossible. Many of us are having to do it. Many of us are having to choose our own health over the social-, community-, and family-related unhealthy habits. You CAN do this. And have you see the folks on The Biggest Loser!!!??? THEY inspire me to believe it's possible! They RUN!!! The first week (or maybe even day if Jillian has anything to do with it) they RUN!! You can take your time and you can do this!! The same folks that you think will be watching and judging you, will be the same folks in ABSOLUTE AWE and ADMIRATION of you when they see how strong you are becoming...when they see you jogging down the street...when they hear about your first 5K run...or even your marathon!! Just keep believing! I know I am! (I want to run too, but have some knee issues) BUT, I still believe that I WILL run. It's in my vision. I can see it.. I can imagine... I can dream it...and eventually I will REALIZE it.. AND SO WILL YOU.

Be encouraged!! emoticon

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Did you see Rachael Ray's Weight Loss show this morning?

Monday, June 06, 2011

Did anyone see Rachael Ray this morning with Jorge Cruise and his book, "The Belly Fat Diet"? I saw last week when she had "The Carb Lovers Diet", but I didn't pay to much attention because I'm not really a carb lover. Jorge's book caught my attention for two reasons: 1) He says to stop counting calories and 2) It's about carbs and sugar. He explains that counting calories is a "thing of the past", something we don't need to do anymore, and we should focus on portion control!! He says that what determines weight loss is our sugar and carb intake. We should not be consuming no more than 15 grams of sugar and 6 servings of carbs per day! If we stay within that range and get in some mild cardio, ex. walking 30 min - 3x/week, that we should lose weight. He also said that we should eat lots of little meals throughout the day.

Some of the foods that he said to stay away from were contradictory to everything we think is good for us. The things he mentioned on the show were:

Fruit - bananas and apples specifically, have to much sugar. Instead, he suggested berries, like strawberries, blueberries, raspberries because they're the fruit with the least amount of sugar and are high in antioxidants.

Oatmeal - which is so heart healthy, has to much sugar. He suggested eating a piece of whole wheat/whole grain toast and eggs (including the egg yolk) for breakfast instead.

Crackers - have to much sugar, so eat nuts instead like almonds or walnuts.

Pudding - instead of a 100 calorie, fat free, pudding cup, he suggested fresh berries with a little whip cream. Those 100 calorie snacks can be misleading because they are low in calories, but high in sugar and carbs.

I was just curious as to what anyone else thought or if anyone has read the book or tried this "diet"? Some of the things he says, like lots of small meals, watching sugar and carb intake, make sense to me. But no oatmeal, bananas, apples?? Really?? I guess you don't have to give them up completely, everything is ok in moderation. But oatmeal is my go to meal in the winter. I'm going to stick with my counting calories....it works for me. Even if I'm eating proper portions, I can see how I could easily start eating more and more if I don't count my calories to keep myself focused and in check.

He does claim that you can lose around 4 lbs a week following those two rules and that is a safe amount of weight to lose. There was a lady on the show who used his book, lost 57 lbs and is preparing for her first half-marathon. 4 lbs a week seems a little intense and more weight than is safe for you to lose in a week.

If this sounds like something you're interested in, you can enter a giveaway to win the book. You can do so here: www.rachaelrayshow.com/club/giveaway

Also, Rachael had 4 guests who all lost over a 100 lbs with out surgery. They simply started eating right and working out. One lady joined Weight Watchers, a married couple did NutriSystem (they didn't say specifically, but the packaging of the food looked familiar from when I tried NutriSystem. Why by the way I hated. Only 25% of the food tasted like food and not crap. If you're going to do packaged food sent to you like that I would recommend Jenny Craig, even though that's way more expensive than NutriSystem or eDiets, who will deliver fresh food to you). Anyway, my point was that all of these people, ranging from a 20-yr old to a 60- yr old were all able to do it. And we can do it to. I really needed to see that this morning because I was just starting to get overwhelmed about how much weight I have to lose and how long it was going to take. This is when focusing on and rewarding yourself for reaching small goals comes into place. When you have a long journey, like a year or more, you have to do things to keep yourself motivated. Even little things like a new nail polish, mani/pedi, new hairdo, small piece of jewelry, etc. I'm going to sit down, reassess my goals/time-frames, and think of new ways to treat myself when I accomplish them.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRUE-NESS 6/7/2011 5:19PM

    I didn't see the show. But I know from my experience with The South Beach Diet that if you cut sugar and "bad" carbs then you'll lose weight. Point blank. I sometimes follow the principles I learned while following that diet. When I really want to buckle down, I'll just stick with lean protein and vegetables. I'll limit my fruits and grains to once or twice a week of whole grains. When I do this, I lose weight. But, I find I'm not getting enough fiber. BUT, it's a lot easier. You really don't count calories at all. You eat many small meals (about 6) and you just eat when you're hungry (which really is about every 3-4 hours because the meals are just enough to SATISFY not to FILL.) So some of the aspects of the "diet" you mentioned sound familiar to South Beach for me. It's a simple way of living IF you're not a carb lover. LOL

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KTTAYLOR21 6/7/2011 4:38PM

    I eat a banana almost every day. Oh well I will be cutting that out. It's funny you bought this up, I downloaded the book to my nook yesterday. I haven't started reading it yet but my dear spark buddy is reading and follow his suggestions as we speak.

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BYUTIFULLE 6/7/2011 4:11PM

    I think that to get more dramatic results more quickly, he may be right. But as someone else said, how long is that going to last. It shouldn't be just about losing pounds quickly, but about a lifestyle change. If you can live your life on such a highly restricted diet, then hey, go for it. But for most of us, that's just not plausible.

This diet will probably be good to do for a set amount of time. Like maybe leading up to vacation, or before a big event. But seriously, it doesn't promote an ideal lifestyle change for most people. From what it sounds like, he definitely makes some good points. The other day I ate 5 bananas over the course of the day. I figure, he its fruit, and I should be able to eat as many fruits and veggies that I want. But then I learned that a medium sized banana has about hundred calories. That's 500 calories of bananas a day. That's 1/3 of my days worth of food.

That being said, too much of anything is not good for you. But am I cutting out bananas in my diet, absolutely not.

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 6/6/2011 2:33PM

    I'm in the middle on this. I applaud anyone who has dropped a large amount of weight without surgery who has done it safely and with proper nutrition. To each his own as far as plans go. That said, I don't think counting calories will every be too "old school" for anyone. You can use calorie control to measure how much food (calories) you consume offset by how much exercise you do to calculate fairly well what those numbers should be in order to lose weight or maintain the weight you are at.

Oatmeal? Never gonna give it up. It fills me up and keeps me from eating too much at lunch. I try to get in a few bowls each week. My cardiologist says oatmeal is a great meal for cardiac patients and people with higher cholesterol levels and since he saved my life, I'm sticking with his advice.

There is so much information out there good and bad in relation to carbs. High carb diets, low carb diets, etc. I was on Adkins years back for several months and got kidney stones. I tried South Beach about 5 years ago and the same thing happened after a couple of months and a doctor told me to get off of that diet because kidney problems are prevalent in people on these kind of carb restrictive plans. I will say the weight did drop pretty fast when I was on both diets, but the associated problems were NOT worth it.

Your body doesn't distinguish 10 calories of sugar from 10 calories of lean meat in relation to weight loss. It DOES distinguish calories in terms of nutrients and how it utilizes them. You might lose weight consuming 1500 calories of only sugar-laden sweets, but you are NOT going to be getting healthy in regards to ingesting the necessary nutrients for your body to perform to its best ability.

I just much prefer the K.I.S.S. (keep it simple, stupid!)formula
in regards to health and weight loss. Eat a certain amount of calories each day chosen from healthier options and do a certain amount of exercise each day and eventually you will hit your goal.

Very interesting blog, TaMara! Looks like it is drawing a lot of thought-provoking comments!

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DEGENNAN 6/6/2011 1:49PM

    I lost 20 pounds in a couple months by counting calories and trying to stick to a range, so I will always be a fan of that. Also, because I don't have diabetes or high cholesterol, I let myself eat anything I wanted within that calorie range. So yes, I eat cupcakes, birthday cake, chips and dip, and drink some alcohol. And I eat a banana every single day. There is sugar even in the non-dessert items I enjoy, like ketchup and pickles and bread.

Then again, I also work out a lot more than the 30 minutes 3 times a week that you mentioned. That is not even enough exercise to keep your heart healthy!! Anyone who recommends only 3 short workouts a week but expects you to lose 4 lbs a week is a quack. Research suggests we should aim for an hour of cardio each day, or at least 5-6 times a week, for a healthy heart. The CDC just suggests 30 minutes a day because they didn't want to discourage sedentary people from getting started. It would not hurt anyone to walk for an hour each day with their dog or spouse or some friends!

And here's how I feel about this guy's food restrictions:

Fruit - I eat a banana nearly every single day. I like the energy it gives me and the fiber helps fill me up. It also has potassium to keep me from getting crampy. I also like apples. Berries are awesome, but I wouldn't give up my banana for them. Usually, I try to eat both. Berries also have great fiber and vitamins. All of these fruits are much better sources of sugar for me than cupcakes, so I'd rather eat them everyday than eat some other sweet stuff or drink Coca Cola.

Oatmeal - I know a lot of women who swear by oatmeal, especially steel-cut oatmeal, and they are mostly leaner and stronger than me. So I don't buy this, either. Unless you are eating those pre-packaged oatmeal pouches with the added sugar in them. Better and cheaper to make your own out of the Quaker oatmeal container and use berries and maybe just a little maple syrup or brown sugar to sweeten it. Myself, I prefer toast with an egg or egg substitute omelet.

Crackers - I swear by lowfat crackers like Wasa crispbread or OK-Mak crackers. And eating reduced-fat Wheat Thins with a little Laughing Cow cheese wedge has saved me from plowing into a bag of chips with dip too often.

Pudding - I eat these sometimes or the 100-calorie cookie things, but more often in the summer I eat sugar-free popsicles or fudgesicles or those Philly Swirl. You can ususally have more than 1 for less calories than the 100-cal treats. And I still lost weight eating this kind of junk. So it's totally do-able, as long as you're willing to exercise more than he suggests, which is much healthier for you anyway.

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MOONMANSON 6/6/2011 1:36PM

    I think you can lose weight just about any way you want to if you cut out things that are bad for you and you move more.

I agree with prior comments that calorie control and portion control are similar concepts. I think Spark should count sugar.

And 4lbs does seem a bit much per week. It's a lovely number, but if you crash and decide you can't handle that little carbs, I don't want to see the binge that follows the next week. Apples are bad for you? Really?

(As I sit here and imbibe my sandwich on wheat bread with cheez-its for lunch. But hey, I have water!! And it fits into my calorie intake ;) I blame PMS)

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VEGWICKED 6/6/2011 1:16PM

  I didn't see the show, but one thing from your post that jumped out at me was the "stop counting calories, it's all about portion control" thing. Counting calories is portion control! They're the same! I also agree with you and others that 4lbs/week would be awesome but is too much, and I think limiting apples, bananas, and oatmeal is silly. No one ever got fat from eating too many apples- it was all the other stuff.

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FLACA_CHIQUITA 6/6/2011 12:57PM

    I didn't see that, but I will have to go and check youtube for that! I agree with the small goals, I am a fan of it. I have 10lb goals until I reach my main goal of 50lbs, and each "reward" gets better than the last... but it's all just 10lbs! It seems so attainable :) You can do it, we can do it! I will check the books out and see what the deal is though.

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MONIQUE1908 6/6/2011 12:01PM

    I didn't see the show but it sounds interesting. I think the thing we tend to forget is just what you said: it's not about the calories. When I stop focusing on how many calories I'm eating and focus on much fruits and vegetables I've consumed for the day or for my meal, I tend to lose weight. Portion control is the key to it all.

Thanks for this reminder. i'm feeling a bit more encouraged now.

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    I have read the book and DO, to a degree, follow the plan. Lemme 'splain:

1. Spark does not count sugar (which honestly pisses me off because I would like to see how much sugar I am ingesting).... and I am much too lazy to do it myself to be completely honest.

2. According to other sources, that carb intake Spark suggests is MUCH higher than it should be. Most women who are not professional athletes really only need around 13-150 carbs a day.

So, when I read this book back in October (I think it was) I decided to try lower my carbs and lo and behold, I lost about 8 inches in my waist like BAM! No joke. I highly recommend lowering your carbs down to about 120. Seriously. I am not strict about it, but keeping it under 180 is kinda a thing I try and do now. I feel better with less carbs in general.

I recommend to everyone that they try eating close to 120 carbs for 2 weeks and see how your body likes it------ some people are not made to do it, don't get me wrong. I think some people DO thrive on more carbs. But, you don't really know unless you try it.

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POOKASLUAGH 6/6/2011 11:57AM

    I didn't see the show, but it sounds a little extreme to me too. I've never found that losing more than a pound a week is good for me. While I'd LOVE to lose 4 lbs a week, it's not going to happen for me! I admit, I do limit bananas and apples, but mostly that's because they taste too sweet for me. I also tend to eat bananas when they're still partially green because that makes them less sweet.

The interesting thing to me is that he says to stop counting calories. I didn't start my plan by counting calories. I started just by making healthy decisions and paying attention to hunger cues. When I joined Spark and started counting calories, I found that the food I was eating led me right into the range I was supposed to have, so that worked really well for me. I think the whole "stop counting calories" thing is mostly because many people who count calories then stick to a range but eat bad foods. That's what i used to do when I started weight watchers. I dont' think it's the counting that's bad, but the quality of food people justify as long as it fits within their calorie ranges, you know?

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the new me!

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

So we came to my mom's today, so Reiko could put together a couple of dressers for her. I knew that I had cardio to get in today and I wasn't quite sure what would happen. Surprisingly, I found myself working out while Reiko was on assembly duty. Who have I become? Normally I would have sat on the couch and watched tv or played on the computer. But today something was different. I did jumping jacks, lunges, squats, push ups, sit ups, mountain climbers, and a little kick boxing! Given, I didn't plan things out very well cause I'm wearing jeans today and we have to go to the grocery store after this, but oh well. I guess we'll just have to go home so I can shower and change first.

My point is that every time I make a healthy decision, I'm surprised with myself. The new me, with new goals wants to be healthy and looks for any opportunity to be more active. I find myself squatting while I was wash dishes instead of loading the dishwasher. I do front and side kicks while I fold laundry. I do lunges while walking down the hall to put stuff away. Instead of picking up a whole pile of dirty laundry, I pick one piece up at a time and then dump them in the washer. Yes, all of these things are a little time consuming, but I will take any opportunity to get in some extra exercise and burn a few calories. I don't count any of this exercise towards my exercising goals for the week, it's a bonus.

I have never been this person. I have always been the lazy couch potato that was always to tired to do anything else. I always felt exhausted and never had enough energy to do anything. Exercise was a far away, unattainable goal that I would never be close to. This new found energy and drive has a lot to do with my diet. All the packaged and processed, fatty fast food was weighing me down. Slowly killing me! Now that I eat a healthy, well-balanced diet I have so much energy. I workout more and push myself harder than even when I was a teenager! I can do things with friends and not worry about needing to sit down and rest.

I may never reach my goals, when I want to, but as long as I continue down this path, I will continue to be successful. I feel like I have a better life ahead of me because of the changes I have implemented. I will never go back to how I used to be. I have so much lost time to make up for! Anyone who says they can't do this, know that you can. Will it be easy? NO! Will there be days that you want to quit? YES! But if you just keep pushing forward, keep working hard, keep making smart decisions you will be successful!!! Don't get caught up in another person's journey. We are all different and we all lose weight on our body's own terms. If the scale doesn't change, don't give up. I worked hard for weeks before my body finally decided to get on board with this new healthy lifestyle! It is not an easy journey to be on. If it was we'd all be thinner and healthier. You have to be willing to dedicate yourself. If you don't do it, know one can do it for you. If you're thinking about making a change, DO IT. If you're struggling, DIG DEEP and KEEP MOVING FORWARD!!! You can do it! We ALL can do it!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JMKINNEY 6/2/2011 12:07PM

    emoticon emoticon
you are a motivator. keep up the hard work!!!!

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SHELLYBABE2 6/2/2011 11:26AM


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FINEBABY72 6/2/2011 10:01AM

  Thanks for posting this,I have been feeling down only because I've been very sick all week. I'm not giving up, and having you as an inspiration sure does keep me going,keep it girl you inspire us all! emoticon

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JBEST73 6/2/2011 6:52AM

    Great. You are an inspiration.

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MOMSTHEBOSS1 6/1/2011 10:56PM

    thank you :) needed that pep talk! emoticon

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GOLDENDOMER00 6/1/2011 9:25PM

    You truly are a new person! That's awesome that you fit some movement in even though you weren't wearing the proper attire or had a routine planned. I need to work more on throwing some simple exercises, like calf raises, into my day. emoticon

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MELITOD 6/1/2011 8:59PM

    Love this blog. Amazing that you are finding the moments to exercise. You are so right it is about the change for a life time! Yeah for you!!

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 6/1/2011 5:38PM

    I love this blog! I love your determination! I love your sharing and inspirational message! I just love, love, love you for being such an awesome example of what we ALL CAN DO! TaMara, you may be on the Fat Bottom Girls team, but I can tell you without a doubt that you are a CHAMPION!

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    Tooo awesome!!! I am so proud of you-- look at who you are becoming!! Never in our lives do most of us imagine we would be "that person"-- the one who exercises while on vacation or goes out of their way to fit moving in more often-- but here we are! Isn't it cool?

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TRUE-NESS 6/1/2011 5:02PM

    It's amazing when we notice the MENTAL changes...the changes that cause the physical changes to lasts... AWESOME!!

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    YOU ROCK girlfriend!

emoticon emoticon emoticon


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KISSYTINA 6/1/2011 4:30PM

    LOVE this blog! You are awesome! Look at you rocking a workout on the fly! It is amazing what you can do when you feed your body what it needs and you give it the exercise it deserves! The changes we go through on this site are so much more than just the weight loss. We are new people, making the most of each day we are blessed with!

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KIMMYLOU2012 6/1/2011 3:08PM

    Great for you! You are truly a new person!! Doesn't it feel great to know you have banished her form your life forever?
Keep up the great work!!

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POOKASLUAGH 6/1/2011 3:00PM

    Don't you love that feeling?? I remember once one a thread somewhere someone asked how do you know you're a Sparker and one of my things was that I danced down the hall rather than walked. I get in those little bonus calories all the time, and it feels fantastic. I don't think it's just the diet, either. I think part of it is the exercise you're doing, because the more you do, the more energy you have to move more. It feels great!! You are rocking it!!

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I'm no quitter!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I have high blood pressure and have not been consistent with taking my medicine. Mostly denial (I'm to young!), but also a little out of sight, out of mind! Since I've embarked on this journey, I knew that I had to let it affect all aspects of my life. I knew I had to take my head out of the sand, get on some meds that worked, and take them faithfully. So last Tuesday I started two new meds and they make me feel HORRIBLE. The doc and the cautions on the prescription bag both state that it will take a couple of weeks to get used to. Until they are in my system and my body has adjusted, I can expect to feel: dizzy, lightheaded, weak, have headaches, and fainting is a possibility. I also need to limit my exposure to sun and alcohol. Excessive sweating (as in working out) can increase these symptoms and cause dehydration.

But I'm a hard ass and I ALWAYS push myself. If you tell me I can't do something, I'm just gonna do it anyway and mock you for telling me I couldn't! So last Tuesday I tried to do the elliptical and couldn't make it past 15 min, when I normally do 30! I got super hot and dizzy and had to sit down before I fell down! The buzzing in my ears was so loud and I was drenched in sweat! Then on Sat I went tubing and paid for it when I got home. I felt so bad from being in the blazing sun all day I spent the rest of the evening laying down while all my friends enjoyed a bbq outside. Even sitting up was to much and made my head swim. Even though it had cooled down, I was so hot we had the A/C on 60 degrees. On Monday when I was doing my cardio (BL Last Chance Workout) I again thought I was going to pass out. If any of you have done or seen that DVD you know that Jillian has you doing a lot of cardio, strength training. Its jumping jacks, then down on the floor for mountain climbers. It's running in place, then down on the floor for lumberjacks, etc. I was so weak I could hardly do anything. My punches had no force behind them, my fast feet weren't all that fast, and parts of the DVD that I normally have no problem with, were killing me. Plus, all that up and down felt like it was making my brain swell! So after barely making it through my 30 minutes I sat and had a good cry. How was I ever going to do my next 30 min?!?! (I do an hour of cardio on MWFS)

A good cry always makes me feel better, so after drinking some water and giving my body a little time to recover I put in DVD 2 (BL Boot Camp Workout). In the beginning of this workout I still felt weak and dizzy, but there isn't so much up and down and that helped. But Bob said something that made me feel even better. He said: 'If you're moving, you're burning calories and that's all I care about!" And I thought to myself, you know what? He's right! Who cares if I can't push myself as hard as I normally do. The old me would have totally taken advantage of the situation and allowed myself to take two weeks off from working out. But even though I didn't feel good, there I was. I was doing something! No, I probably didn't burn my usual 700 calories. It was more like 300, but I'll take it because something is better than nothing!

So stay strong, keep pushing forward, and continue working hard!

P.S. On a side note, the Fat Bottom Girls are rocking this EPIC challenge! I"ve read blog after blog where each of my girls has a greaat plan in place to help her be successful! Keep up the good work FBGs, I'm soo proud! WE are the CHAMPIONS my friends...and we'll keep on fighting, till the end!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KISSYTINA 6/1/2011 12:41PM

    YOU ARE A.MAZ.ING! I mean, you are facing some adversity here, and you are pushing through. You are such an inspiration. But, I want you to make sure you are really listening to your body. I am sure others have said this too, but be careful. The realization that you made during that second DVD is something you should live by for now. Keep moving. Keep working. But don't push yourself too hard. You will still be burning calories, and you will still be making a difference.

I am sure you can't wait for these 2 weeks to be over! You will make it through! *HUGS*

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ANANGELMOM 6/1/2011 11:19AM

    That is so great. As I just told Amanda, it's so great to know you CAN do it. I'll be honest, I think you should be a little more careful. I know that we haven't been friends long, and that may sound harsh coming from someone you barely know, but I CARE. I'm not saying don't do anything at all, just to take it easier. Taking care of you extenze to more than working out and eating right. Although that is an important part. I wish you nothing but the best and just keep plugging away! I'm so glad you realized that, as you put it, something is better than nothing. You should feel proud of yourself. I am.

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ELEXEY 6/1/2011 2:23AM

    I'm really really sorry you're having such horrible side effects, but you are really pushing yoursef through, and I commend you for that because I know it can't be easy. Please do listen to your body and don't try to push yourself to hard, I know that can be difficult to do because you want to just "go go go" so bad! I absolutely love your attitude though.

Oh ya, btw, I think you may be just a bit confused, WE are the Champions my friend! emoticon

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    Just listen to your body------ if you keep a direct line open to it, you will not overdo. Who cares if it isn't your normal full potential? You have to do what is best for you.... and remember, the side effects will change!

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GOLDENDOMER00 5/31/2011 9:15PM

    Ugh, I know what you mean! I was HORRIBLE at remembering to take my diabetes medication on time (or even at all). I have a much easier time remembering to take other medications, but there was something about taking those pills.

I really hope you get to feeling better. I respect your tenacity and determination, but please listen to your body. And it would make me feel better if you exercised when someone else is around until your body has adjusted, just to be safe.

I agree with Bob, as long as you're moving, you're burning calories, so keep your chin up!

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    You can do this hun, hang in there! Thank you so much for sharing!


Comment edited on: 5/31/2011 8:59:38 PM

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    WOW, I am really proud of you for persevering even when you don't feel good. I completely agree with the advice others have given you...if you can break up your exercise into manageable chunks, you can get in your calorie burn without putting your health at risk.

I'm so proud of ya, girl! I love your tenacity!

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 5/31/2011 8:13PM

    I so identified with this when you described how the meds made you feel. I was put on blood pressure meds before I ever started working out and I can tell you it was horrible for a few weeks. Just make sure to tell your doctor if those side effects don't go away after 4 weeks and your body isn't adjusting to them. Sometimes your dosage and even the medicine itself has to be changed until you find what works.

You sure are NOT a quitter. I'm going to have to stop calling myself a powerhouse when around you because I think that title may belong on your shoulders after reading this! emoticon

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CARYLENE 5/31/2011 8:04PM

    It is so frustrating when you heart and mind is in it but your body is saying "piss off" But listen to your body, it knows what it needs. Maybe your cardio can be a moderate paced walk early in the morning or late in the day this week. It doesn't always have to be push it to the brink to be effective. Take care of yourself!

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CALIGIRLDIANA 5/31/2011 6:20PM

    I hope those meds start adjusting to your body. It must feel horrible trying to exercise and feeling this way. Keep it up girlie. So awesome of you not to quit and keep going! Way to go girlie!!!

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POOKASLUAGH 5/31/2011 5:22PM

    Back in March, before I knew you (before you were on Spark maybe?) I got bronchitis. I didn't know I had it and I let myself cough and get worse for almost a week before I finally went to the doctor. Even after finding out I had it and was supposed to be resting, I kept pushing myself to do 6 hours a week of exercise. I was so weak that just standing up had my heart rate above my normal cardio zone, but I kept pushing. What happened? A week or two after I finished my antibiotics, my bronchitis came back with a vengence the first week of April. I went back to the doctor, had to get on stronger meds, and the doctor prohibited me from all cardio exercise for a week.

I was ticked off, but I rested my fat butt on the couch for a week. I feel like I probably still got exercise that week because seriously just walking from the couch to the bedroom had my heart racing. I was so worried that I would gain that week, but a week off seemed to be just what I needed and I actually lost quite a bit. I also was able to start back stronger when I got back into it a week later.

Point of this long story is that sometimes we need to take some time off while we mend. Lillie suggested that I do some easy ST (lifting hand weights while I sat down, etc) that week for my EPIC requirements, which turned out to work pretty well and got me into ST which I hadn't been doing before. I lost *some* points for my team (I swear that's not why I'm telling you all this, lol) that week, but it did me good. If your medicine is killing you while you adjust, it might be time to get lighter this week. Do a couple 10-min interval during the day, rather than a full 30 or 60 min workout. Mix in some easy ST like Lillie suggested. You can still get those workouts and calories in for EPIC without killing yourself, and then as you get used to the medicine, you'll be able to pick up again. Your body won't lose its strength gained in a week or two of going easy, I promise! You'll probably be stronger for the recovery!

I hope you feel better soon!!!

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SBEAR5 5/31/2011 4:29PM

    Hopefully, the more you eat better and exercise more, you won't need any meds. I am sorry you're having to deal with those nasty side affects though. I hope they go away soon!

FBG Rock! :-)

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