Saturday, November 05, 2011
Well as many of you know I decided to take this leg of EPIC off. It wasn't fair to the team to sign up when I knew that I wouldn't be able to fully commit myself. I hate that I can't sign up because I NEED to be in a situation where I am somehow being held accountable for my actions, but with two internships and school its just not feasible. I'm hoping that I can still continue on my journey on my own terms, do what I can when I can.
I seem to have no problem eating fairly healthy because I don't buy junk food anymore. And that shows since I lost 1 lb this week and I didn't work out once. Of course, I can't help but think that maybe it could have been 2 lbs if I had worked out. However, I am trying to get in some movement when I can by walking back and forth to class instead of taking the shuttle. Unfortunately, both of my internships are basically desk jobs, so I spend the majority of my day sitting on my butt!
I'm hoping that I can participate in the last leg of EPIC. I would really love to end the year with a bang and get 2012 started off on the right foot! What have I learned in all of this? That life will always throw you curve balls. You can plan your day down to the minute, but things happen. You have to learn to adapt and go with the flow or you won't ever be successful! This has been a really hard lesson for me to learn, but I think I'm finally getting it!
Sunday, October 23, 2011
So I really could not understand what was going on with me last week. I had no energy, I was tired, and I was unmotivated. I didn't want to work out or even do any cleaning around the house. I'm normally not a napper, but ended up taking a couple of 3-4 hour naps last week. I felt stupid, like things I should know I couldn't remember how to do. I couldn't seem to understand what people were asking me to do! I also had food issues, craving chips. Not necessarily chips, but the "crunch" that comes with eating chips. I'm not a sweet eater, but I wanted cookies and brownies, anything with chocolate or chocolate and peanut butter. I couldn't seem to get enough decent sleep. I was finding myself wide awake at 3am for no reason at all. I would struggle to go back to sleep, only to find myself finally dozing off right before the alarm went off. When I was sleeping I was disturbed by vivid and crazy dreams. So of course I thought it was these weird sleep patterns that were affecting my cravings, lack of energy, and overall tiredness.
Well I'm 31 and you'd think I'd be able to recognize signs of TOM by now!! No, I just thought I was crazy LOL So I am thankful that I now have an answer for all of those things, but I was really looking forward to weigh-in yesterday. I have no idea if I lost, gained, or stayed the same. Now I have to wait till next week to see what's going on. I'm thinking there was a loss. Even with TOM all my clothes are really loose, even jeans that are normally a little snug, but you can never tell. I'll just have to wait and see.
On another note, for those of you who know all the drama that we've been going through at the apartment will be thrilled to know that things they are a changing. Everyone at our apartment complex got fired. Office staff and maintenance! Now, I'm not happy to know that someone is out of a job, but I am happy to know that corporate takes our complaints seriously. If you were doing your job, you'd still have one. I'm sorry, but that's life.You don't get to get paid to never be in the office, take 3 hour lunch breaks, not fulfill maintenance requests! So pest control came this weekend, a new maintenance guy stopped by and took a work order for ALL of our issues like not having a mailbox key, not having a working key to our outside storage, fixing the inside storage door knob so it doesn't fall off in your hand. As far as the leak goes, he wants to wait until it rains again to make sure that they fixed it properly. I'm hoping they did! Until we know for sure, I'm not putting the wedding pictures back up. They're just to expensive to keep ordering more, only to have them get ruined again!
Time to get some work in! Enjoy the rest of your weekend my Sparkly friends!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Can you ever truly define someone? I don't know. I'm so much more than a few adjectives. On the surface I'm smart, funny, caring, sweet, sarcastic, loving. If you dare to dig a little deeper, you'll see that I'm much shier than I come across in my blogs. I'm still that kid who's hoping they don't get picked last for dodgeball. I'm still a little kid wanting to be accepted by others. I'm an Aries. I have a temper that won't quit when pushed to the edge. I'm a hopeless romantic and I beleive in the fairytale. I've struggled in ways you can't imagine, but it's made me stronger for it. I've suffered loss, but it's made me love that much harder.
I'm clumsy. If there's a way to get injured, I'll find it. I'm a panicker. I hate driving in the rain. I'm a dedicated friend. I don't like structure or confinement. I'm a procrastinator. I'm a book enthusiast. I'm a writer. I'm a control freak, cause my way is better, smarter, faster. I'm a dreamer, always wanting more. I'm a lover and a fighter. I'm my mother's best friend. I'm my sister's confidant. I was my daddy's favorite before he passed away. I'm Reiko's friend, lover, and biggest supporter. I'm spoiled and one sighted and greedy. I am all things to all people. I'm chaotic and obsessive. I'm sensitive and hard as nails. I'm the typical girly girl who isn't afraid to get her hands dirty.
I'm a walking contradiction. It's what I love most about myself. I love that just when people think they have me figured out, I throw a curve ball that has them scratching their head. I'm a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, twists and turns.
I wrote this years ago, after getting out of a relationship that went on to long. One of those relationships where you just can't do anything right and everything that makes you who you are is wrong. I normally don't share my personal writings, but this is along the same lines of this blog, so I thought I'd put myself out there.
I Am Me
I won't be defined by the standards that you place upon me
I won't determine my beauty through your eyes
I won't gauge my self-worth on your unbalanced scale
I am me
I've loved and lost
I've had my heart broken
I've known pain, no one should go through
I am me
tainted and tortured
sexy and sarcastic
blessed and breathtaking
You don't make me
You don't affect who I am
You don't decide what parts of me stay
Everything you hated about me, someone else loves to the end
Every reason you didn't want me, is someone else’s desire to have for themselves
Every excuse you gave for leaving, someone else used as their excuse to get closer
I am me
the jaded one with the broken heart
the bitter one still willing to take a chance
the scorned one with so much love to give
Monday, October 17, 2011
I was watching X-Factor last night and there is a girl on there named Jazzlyn. She has a beautiful voice that is out of this world for a 16-yr old. However, every time she has to sing in front of others or the judges she dissolves into tears. I told Reiko, "She needs to push through whatever it is that is causing her so much anxiety. That is going to be the one things that holds her back. She's beautiful and talented and people obviously like her! If this is what she really wants, then she just has to push through. You gotta do what it takes, to get what you want!" And then I had an "ah ha" moment. Why was I being so hard on this young girl, when I have the same problem. Not the exact same problem, but similar. So why am I not pushing through? Why am I not heeding my own advice? Why is it easier to tell someone else what to do and so hard to make ourselves do that same thing?
Last week many of you lovely sparklers commented on my blog, but FALLINTOFLIGHT said something that made total sense to me. It was something along the lines of never necessarily finding the balance. And working so hard to find the balance will only make you more exhausted. This was hard for me to accept, but it makes perfect sense! My schedule is way to hectic right now and it's not going to change any time soon. I can either sit her twiddling my thumbs while I wait for it to change, or I can make the most of the time I have now. It may not be my optimal schedule, but there is still enough time in each day to get a workout in. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
So here's my schedule. I'm putting it out here in the open as to hold myself accountable. I usually do different types of high intensity interval training, so it covers my cardio and strength training.
Monday - 20 min
Tuesday - 40 min
Wednesday - 20 min
Thursday - 40 min
Friday - 40 min
Saturday 20-40 min
On Mon, Wed, Fri I'm also going to look for extra opportunities for exercise, like parking in the furthest lot at school and walking, instead of taking the shuttle. All of my classes are downstairs, but I have stairs here at the apartment and that's more than enough.
At the beginning of last week I weighed 263. At the end of the week I weighed 260. My body is really trying to work with me, so I'm going to try and work with it. I have no idea how I lost those 3 lbs because the amount of exercise I did, did not warrant a drop in weight. It could have been the change in diet because I did fairly well at limiting carbs and increasing fiber and protein! Either way, I'm not going to question it. I've already gotten in 20 minutes today and I feel really good about it!
It goes to show that you can find inspiration anywhere, anytime. Either you want it or you don't. Like the saying goes, $hit or get off the pot! We have to remember to stop putting this limitations on ourselves. Things not in our control do that enough for us. So it may not be my ideal situation, but I'm going to make the most out of it. And, sleep, sleep, sleep! I can't preach enough about how important sleep is. I went to bed around 930 last night and it made it a lot easier to get up at 445 this morning! I had to pop a pill to get to sleep that early, which I don't like, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. It's only temporary.
Friday, October 14, 2011
This has been an up and down week for me. My improvement goals for this leg of EPIC were to increase my fiber and decrease my carbs. I've had a pretty successful week at that. It hasn't been as hard as I first thought it would be. What I've realized is that I've got to plan what I'm going to eat for the day or week. It's easier to adjust what I'm eating when you can look at it from a glance. I have also realized that having a game plan in advance makes it easier to avoid any binge temptations. When I walk to the refrigerator my eyes focus in on exactly what I planned on eating, instead of roaming over things that weren't on the list.
I did kind of binge eat yesterday, but I think it was because I was tired. Even as I was eating I thought to myself, you're just tired. Stop eating and take a nap. Eating when you're tired is your body's way of getting energy when you haven't gotten enough sleep. Which leads me to my next issue. I have got to start going to sleep earlier. Getting up at 5am is really starting to get to me, especially on Thursdays. I'm up at 5am and don't get out of class until almost 9pm. I tried taking a nap with my kitty JB, but when I woke up I was so groggy and disoriented. Maybe my nap was to long? Or not long enough?
So of course because I'm exhausted all the time, it's so hard for me to find the energy to workout. I'm scraping by with 15 min here, 20 min there, but that is not helping. That is apparent in my lack of weight loss. I'm sorry, but I just can't bear the thought of getting up at 4:30am to workout. I've been walking back and forth to class from my car instead of taking the shuttle to try to get in a little extra exercise, but I know it's not enough. It doesn't help that maintenance is STILL working on fixing the damage the leak caused. All of our furniture is in the middle of the living room, so I don't have anywhere to work out. I was kind of thinking that maybe I should take that as a sign to get a gym membership, but it's something we don't need to spend the money on. Once I graduate and get a job, maybe I'll reconsider.
With all the stuff going on in my personal life, I just can't seem to find the balance. And I hate that my blogs are always depressing now. I hate that I feel like a weight-loss slacker. I hate that I can't get it together, especially when there are people who have much more going on than I do and they still find the time to make it work. But I won't give up. I can do this, I know I can. At least I'm getting in some exercise, at least I'm still trying to eat right. I just need to push through this. There will always be something that gets in the way of doing the right thing. You can either let it take you down, or you can take it down!! I will not be defeated!
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