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TAMARA6905's Recent Blog Entries

I'm no QUITTER

Saturday, November 05, 2011

Well as many of you know I decided to take this leg of EPIC off. It wasn't fair to the team to sign up when I knew that I wouldn't be able to fully commit myself. I hate that I can't sign up because I NEED to be in a situation where I am somehow being held accountable for my actions, but with two internships and school its just not feasible. I'm hoping that I can still continue on my journey on my own terms, do what I can when I can.

I seem to have no problem eating fairly healthy because I don't buy junk food anymore. And that shows since I lost 1 lb this week and I didn't work out once. Of course, I can't help but think that maybe it could have been 2 lbs if I had worked out. However, I am trying to get in some movement when I can by walking back and forth to class instead of taking the shuttle. Unfortunately, both of my internships are basically desk jobs, so I spend the majority of my day sitting on my butt!

I'm hoping that I can participate in the last leg of EPIC. I would really love to end the year with a bang and get 2012 started off on the right foot! What have I learned in all of this? That life will always throw you curve balls. You can plan your day down to the minute, but things happen. You have to learn to adapt and go with the flow or you won't ever be successful! This has been a really hard lesson for me to learn, but I think I'm finally getting it!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

POSITIVE_ONE 11/6/2011 1:57PM

    Woot! - for not buying junk food anymore. Double WOOT! - for not taking the shuttle. I know how busy you are so I understand why you are taking this leg of EPIC off. But, I fully expect you to take part during the last leg.

Keep on Sparking!!! Never Surrender!!!

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GHK1962 11/6/2011 9:12AM

    I took this leg of EPIC off too becauase I knew I would not be able to commit to it this month. So maybe next month we can both jump in again!

Good going on the no junk food buying though . . . that alone shows that all your efforts have paid off so far. Losing a pound or two is great . . . changing your habits and mindset . . . that will help keep it off :-)

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TRUE-NESS 11/6/2011 8:32AM

    You seem to be like me in that the eating healthy isn't as much of a problem as the staying active is...it's such a struggle to just be consistent with formal exercise. But, I do find that working movement into the day is a lot easier.

I remember having a desk job. I remember incorporating movement into my day by, taking the stairs in the morning and evening instead of riding the elevator; taking a walk around the building (when others were taking a "smoke-break"); walking to people's office's to talk to them face-to-face instead of emailing, and just walking in place at my desk when I was on the phone. So, sometimes, even with a desk job, we can be sitting much more than we need to be. Try some of those things... especially the walking in place while on the phone.

CONTINUE on!!!!

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KATSHIA 11/5/2011 8:11PM

    You can do it girl!! Cutting out junk food and whatnot for me started off my weight loss, its all about small steps! And that will be great if we can start going to the school gym, maybe twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays :)

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 11/5/2011 7:53PM

    One pound is one pound, take it and be proud as all get out about it!

I know how your life is right now. This too shall pass and you will start your new career AND find time for TaMara to take care of TaMara. You said it in your blog title. You are NOT a quitter! Keep eating healthy and walking instead of taking the shuttle. That is what you can do NOW. Later on, we will see you soaring. Never give up, never give in. That's my girl! emoticon

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POOKASLUAGH 11/5/2011 4:54PM

    Isn't it great when your lifestyle changes so much that you don't even buy the junk anymore? That's awesome TaMara. Don't think "what if I had done this," think "this is what I DID do" and be proud of yourself for that!

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Silly me!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

So I really could not understand what was going on with me last week. I had no energy, I was tired, and I was unmotivated. I didn't want to work out or even do any cleaning around the house. I'm normally not a napper, but ended up taking a couple of 3-4 hour naps last week. I felt stupid, like things I should know I couldn't remember how to do. I couldn't seem to understand what people were asking me to do! I also had food issues, craving chips. Not necessarily chips, but the "crunch" that comes with eating chips. I'm not a sweet eater, but I wanted cookies and brownies, anything with chocolate or chocolate and peanut butter. I couldn't seem to get enough decent sleep. I was finding myself wide awake at 3am for no reason at all. I would struggle to go back to sleep, only to find myself finally dozing off right before the alarm went off. When I was sleeping I was disturbed by vivid and crazy dreams. So of course I thought it was these weird sleep patterns that were affecting my cravings, lack of energy, and overall tiredness.

Well I'm 31 and you'd think I'd be able to recognize signs of TOM by now!! No, I just thought I was crazy LOL So I am thankful that I now have an answer for all of those things, but I was really looking forward to weigh-in yesterday. I have no idea if I lost, gained, or stayed the same. Now I have to wait till next week to see what's going on. I'm thinking there was a loss. Even with TOM all my clothes are really loose, even jeans that are normally a little snug, but you can never tell. I'll just have to wait and see.

On another note, for those of you who know all the drama that we've been going through at the apartment will be thrilled to know that things they are a changing. Everyone at our apartment complex got fired. Office staff and maintenance! Now, I'm not happy to know that someone is out of a job, but I am happy to know that corporate takes our complaints seriously. If you were doing your job, you'd still have one. I'm sorry, but that's life.You don't get to get paid to never be in the office, take 3 hour lunch breaks, not fulfill maintenance requests! So pest control came this weekend, a new maintenance guy stopped by and took a work order for ALL of our issues like not having a mailbox key, not having a working key to our outside storage, fixing the inside storage door knob so it doesn't fall off in your hand. As far as the leak goes, he wants to wait until it rains again to make sure that they fixed it properly. I'm hoping they did! Until we know for sure, I'm not putting the wedding pictures back up. They're just to expensive to keep ordering more, only to have them get ruined again!

Time to get some work in! Enjoy the rest of your weekend my Sparkly friends!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLVINBUTTERFLYS 10/24/2011 8:38AM

    TOM does that to me too... and I am 41 LOL!
Have a great week!

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Kat

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ELEXEY 10/23/2011 11:39AM

    Congrats on someone finally taking your apartment issues seriously. I was in a very similar situation and I know that sense of relief when they finally start taking action. And as far as TOM goes, I'm 38 and still can't seem to figure out what's going on the week before, lol. Have a great day sweetie!

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The Definition of ME!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Can you ever truly define someone? I don't know. I'm so much more than a few adjectives. On the surface I'm smart, funny, caring, sweet, sarcastic, loving. If you dare to dig a little deeper, you'll see that I'm much shier than I come across in my blogs. I'm still that kid who's hoping they don't get picked last for dodgeball. I'm still a little kid wanting to be accepted by others. I'm an Aries. I have a temper that won't quit when pushed to the edge. I'm a hopeless romantic and I beleive in the fairytale. I've struggled in ways you can't imagine, but it's made me stronger for it. I've suffered loss, but it's made me love that much harder.

I'm clumsy. If there's a way to get injured, I'll find it. I'm a panicker. I hate driving in the rain. I'm a dedicated friend. I don't like structure or confinement. I'm a procrastinator. I'm a book enthusiast. I'm a writer. I'm a control freak, cause my way is better, smarter, faster. I'm a dreamer, always wanting more. I'm a lover and a fighter. I'm my mother's best friend. I'm my sister's confidant. I was my daddy's favorite before he passed away. I'm Reiko's friend, lover, and biggest supporter. I'm spoiled and one sighted and greedy. I am all things to all people. I'm chaotic and obsessive. I'm sensitive and hard as nails. I'm the typical girly girl who isn't afraid to get her hands dirty.

I'm a walking contradiction. It's what I love most about myself. I love that just when people think they have me figured out, I throw a curve ball that has them scratching their head. I'm a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, twists and turns.

I wrote this years ago, after getting out of a relationship that went on to long. One of those relationships where you just can't do anything right and everything that makes you who you are is wrong. I normally don't share my personal writings, but this is along the same lines of this blog, so I thought I'd put myself out there.

I Am Me

I won't be defined by the standards that you place upon me
I won't determine my beauty through your eyes
I won't gauge my self-worth on your unbalanced scale

I am me
beautifully broken
tastefully twisted
sinfully scarred

I've loved and lost
I've had my heart broken
I've known pain, no one should go through

I am me
tainted and tortured
sexy and sarcastic
blessed and breathtaking

You don't make me
You don't affect who I am
You don't decide what parts of me stay
Everything you hated about me, someone else loves to the end
Every reason you didn't want me, is someone else’s desire to have for themselves
Every excuse you gave for leaving, someone else used as their excuse to get closer

I am me
the jaded one with the broken heart
the bitter one still willing to take a chance
the scorned one with so much love to give

the dreamer
the lover
the fighter

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLVINBUTTERFLYS 10/22/2011 10:33AM

    I absolutely love this! Beautiful! Good for you!

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Kat

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ELEXEY 10/22/2011 4:21AM

    Very beautifully written. What I love the most is that you have a very clear idea of yourself, that you have made the rules and done the defining and left it up to no one else.

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SLUCIO1 10/20/2011 8:12PM

    Beautiful piece of writing emoticon!

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SHEALOVE17 10/20/2011 9:35AM

    wow!!

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GHK1962 10/19/2011 7:28PM

    Your blog makes me think of that Alanis Morissette song . . . "Hand In My Pocket" . . . a song about being many things.

Nice blog, thanks for posting. Just remember ~ Never let them put you in a box.

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POOKASLUAGH 10/19/2011 3:06PM

    Thank you for sharing!

I am glad this assignment wasn't given to the whole team but just to EPIC because I have no idea what I would write! I was telling Greg the same thing the other day - I'm just me! Without definition. Just me. :) I love the way you laid yourself out though. Walking contradiction. :D

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THE_COUNTESS 10/19/2011 2:33PM

    This was great! emoticon for sharing!

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POSITIVE_ONE 10/19/2011 2:24PM

    This is beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing. Just getting to know you little by little and this just opens up a whole new world of TaMara to me.

Thank you.

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 10/19/2011 2:16PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon


I think you have YOU figured out pretty darn well...it's up to the rest of us to figure it all out. I can't wait to see what else I discover as time goes by!


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Comment edited on: 10/19/2011 2:17:28 PM

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BLUE42DOWN 10/19/2011 1:58PM

    Beautifully said.

Finding and defining ourself is so important (so long as we leave ourselves room to grow and change too).

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Success!

Monday, October 17, 2011

I was watching X-Factor last night and there is a girl on there named Jazzlyn. She has a beautiful voice that is out of this world for a 16-yr old. However, every time she has to sing in front of others or the judges she dissolves into tears. I told Reiko, "She needs to push through whatever it is that is causing her so much anxiety. That is going to be the one things that holds her back. She's beautiful and talented and people obviously like her! If this is what she really wants, then she just has to push through. You gotta do what it takes, to get what you want!" And then I had an "ah ha" moment. Why was I being so hard on this young girl, when I have the same problem. Not the exact same problem, but similar. So why am I not pushing through? Why am I not heeding my own advice? Why is it easier to tell someone else what to do and so hard to make ourselves do that same thing?

Last week many of you lovely sparklers commented on my blog, but FALLINTOFLIGHT said something that made total sense to me. It was something along the lines of never necessarily finding the balance. And working so hard to find the balance will only make you more exhausted. This was hard for me to accept, but it makes perfect sense! My schedule is way to hectic right now and it's not going to change any time soon. I can either sit her twiddling my thumbs while I wait for it to change, or I can make the most of the time I have now. It may not be my optimal schedule, but there is still enough time in each day to get a workout in. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

So here's my schedule. I'm putting it out here in the open as to hold myself accountable. I usually do different types of high intensity interval training, so it covers my cardio and strength training.

Monday - 20 min
Tuesday - 40 min
Wednesday - 20 min
Thursday - 40 min
Friday - 40 min
Saturday 20-40 min

On Mon, Wed, Fri I'm also going to look for extra opportunities for exercise, like parking in the furthest lot at school and walking, instead of taking the shuttle. All of my classes are downstairs, but I have stairs here at the apartment and that's more than enough.

At the beginning of last week I weighed 263. At the end of the week I weighed 260. My body is really trying to work with me, so I'm going to try and work with it. I have no idea how I lost those 3 lbs because the amount of exercise I did, did not warrant a drop in weight. It could have been the change in diet because I did fairly well at limiting carbs and increasing fiber and protein! Either way, I'm not going to question it. I've already gotten in 20 minutes today and I feel really good about it!

It goes to show that you can find inspiration anywhere, anytime. Either you want it or you don't. Like the saying goes, $hit or get off the pot! We have to remember to stop putting this limitations on ourselves. Things not in our control do that enough for us. So it may not be my ideal situation, but I'm going to make the most out of it. And, sleep, sleep, sleep! I can't preach enough about how important sleep is. I went to bed around 930 last night and it made it a lot easier to get up at 445 this morning! I had to pop a pill to get to sleep that early, which I don't like, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. It's only temporary.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ELEXEY 10/19/2011 3:59AM

    Okay I'm sorry, please don't yell at me anymore!!! I'm kidding of course, I don't feel like you're yelling at me, but I do feel like you're telling me that I have no one to blame for my lack of success then me, and if I want it, I better go get it. Thanks for another great blog, now it's 3 am and I have to get up at 6:30 so I'm going to get that sleep you were talking about.

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 10/18/2011 12:23PM

    Dontcha just love when you are giving advice to someone and that little "smack upside the head" happens and your brain says, "Duhhhhh...take your own advice, meathead!"? Well, my brain says that, yours may say something totally different. Glad you had your "aha" moment and it sounds like the Amazing TaMara is back and ready to kick booty and take names! I love that expression $hit or get off the pot. My mom always used it and so do I. It says it all. Love you and woo hoo hoo you lost 3 pounds! Get on out there and conquer your world, T, cause you can!

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POSITIVE_ONE 10/17/2011 10:01PM

    Success is always a great thing. And - your outlook is refreshing. Great workout schedule and I will keep you in prayers that you continue your success.

SPARK ON!!!!

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TRUE-NESS 10/17/2011 8:21PM

    I'm glad you're finding a way to make it work! Congrats on the 3 lb loss!

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POOKASLUAGH 10/17/2011 1:30PM

    I had to come to that exact same conclusion this summer when my schedule fell apart when the kids got off school. It took me nearly a month to get there. I'm glad you found a solution to work for you and woo-hoo for the 3 lbs!! :D

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BACKATITAMY 10/17/2011 1:16PM

  Glad to hear about your success Tamara. I like your new outlook. Your right we need to stop putting the limitations on ourselves and just do it. It's something that i've been saying to myself this past weekend too. Good luck with getting in your new workout times.

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Ugh!

Friday, October 14, 2011

This has been an up and down week for me. My improvement goals for this leg of EPIC were to increase my fiber and decrease my carbs. I've had a pretty successful week at that. It hasn't been as hard as I first thought it would be. What I've realized is that I've got to plan what I'm going to eat for the day or week. It's easier to adjust what I'm eating when you can look at it from a glance. I have also realized that having a game plan in advance makes it easier to avoid any binge temptations. When I walk to the refrigerator my eyes focus in on exactly what I planned on eating, instead of roaming over things that weren't on the list.

I did kind of binge eat yesterday, but I think it was because I was tired. Even as I was eating I thought to myself, you're just tired. Stop eating and take a nap. Eating when you're tired is your body's way of getting energy when you haven't gotten enough sleep. Which leads me to my next issue. I have got to start going to sleep earlier. Getting up at 5am is really starting to get to me, especially on Thursdays. I'm up at 5am and don't get out of class until almost 9pm. I tried taking a nap with my kitty JB, but when I woke up I was so groggy and disoriented. Maybe my nap was to long? Or not long enough?

So of course because I'm exhausted all the time, it's so hard for me to find the energy to workout. I'm scraping by with 15 min here, 20 min there, but that is not helping. That is apparent in my lack of weight loss. I'm sorry, but I just can't bear the thought of getting up at 4:30am to workout. I've been walking back and forth to class from my car instead of taking the shuttle to try to get in a little extra exercise, but I know it's not enough. It doesn't help that maintenance is STILL working on fixing the damage the leak caused. All of our furniture is in the middle of the living room, so I don't have anywhere to work out. I was kind of thinking that maybe I should take that as a sign to get a gym membership, but it's something we don't need to spend the money on. Once I graduate and get a job, maybe I'll reconsider.

With all the stuff going on in my personal life, I just can't seem to find the balance. And I hate that my blogs are always depressing now. I hate that I feel like a weight-loss slacker. I hate that I can't get it together, especially when there are people who have much more going on than I do and they still find the time to make it work. But I won't give up. I can do this, I know I can. At least I'm getting in some exercise, at least I'm still trying to eat right. I just need to push through this. There will always be something that gets in the way of doing the right thing. You can either let it take you down, or you can take it down!! I will not be defeated!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GHK1962 10/15/2011 9:39AM

    I agree with the rest here. What I found that was a bright spot in your post was how you are still trying to pull yourself up. You are having a hard time that is for sure . . . but you ended this on a better note. Because yes . . . you can do this. Small steps if you need . . . the 15 or 20 minutes when you can . . . and at some point, things will either slow down for you, or you'll figure out a better way . . . you're going to be ok.

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TRUE-NESS 10/14/2011 10:46PM

    I hope you do find the right balance. But, I want to share this. Those 15 mins here and 20 mins there WILL work if there are enough of them. Walk as much as possible between classes. Take the stairs as much as possible. Park as far away as possible. Just dont give up. FIND the ways to incorporate movement and activity into your days.... AFTER you get enough sleep. The sleep thing is big. You NEED it. After your body gets it you will have enough strength to push towards the increased activity. Right now, you're just worn completely out. Get replenished. Cut out every that isn't VITALLY important. Fill those spaces with what is. You can do this.

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POSITIVE_ONE 10/14/2011 3:12PM

    I am going to agree 100% with the sleep comments you made. When I sleep, my body responds better to the day. You feel more energized and alive.

You have been going through a lot lately and I can understand why you are reacting the way you are. But, I am willing to bet that you will find your balance and move yourself forward. I get the feeling nothing will hold TaMara back for long!

And once you get going - watch out world!! We will know you are here - with the biggest and brightest smile on your face.

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 10/14/2011 1:59PM

    My poor girl - you were having a well deserved pity party but by the end of your blog you had thrown all the guests out and were making plans for cleaning up. Good for you!

Your life is so full of "stuff" right now. Breathe deep for a few moments and right down exactly what you need to do over the next week. That journal thingy for your internship? Just jot down a little here and there instead of stressing over getting it done all at once. You know how to rev up your energy levels; now go do it. You've already got the idea right for planning what you are going to eat. Tell yourself OUT LOUD exactly what time you are going to go to bed, then stick to it. The rest of the world will still be here when you wake up. There is no book, no internet site, no socializing too important or interesting enough for you to go on feeling so dragged out. Until the apartment repairs are finished you can do some wall ups in the kitchen and walk in place while you brush that pretty smile and take the steps at the apartments a few extra times when you come and go. Let's get that TaMara energy level spiked up a notch or two through some good eats and good sleeps and then watch out world 'cause T is gonna tear down the house! emoticon

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FALLINTOFLIGHT 10/14/2011 1:42PM

    Your binge eating avoidance plan is spot on with mine. I dont go into the kitchen unless I kn ow what I am going to be grabbing already. As for your early mornings have you tried jump roping or jumping jacks or some other quick spit cardio first thing in the AM? If not maybe this can be helpful to gaining some energy for the long draining day. Morning stretching right out of bed can be very energizing as well. Also, vitamins are key for me. These are all just suggestions of course :p AS for your lifes balance, sometimes no matter what we do, we cant get the balance we so much desire and sometimes we do need to stop stressing over it bc it just creates an even larger imbalance. Now Im not saying throw it all under the bus, but maybe just limit yourself to what you KNOW you can do. I am glad its the weekend bc it def sounds like some -very-stressed-body needs a break!!! Thinking good thoughts for you doll!

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POOKASLUAGH 10/14/2011 12:22PM

    The sleep thing is so big. I always feel groggy after naps too, no matter what length they are! It's so hard. I can't imagine having to get up so early. My sister is having ot do that for her job right now too and it's really taking a toll on her too. I hope you find the right balance for you TaMara!

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