Friday, September 05, 2014
I feel like I go on and off Sparkpeople so often, sometimes I'm not really sure why I keep trying. It's so aggravating. I think some of it is I get too comfortable with myself and I don't feel like changing, but I know I need to. I like myself the way I am right now, I don't feel upset or frustrated looking in the mirror. The only thing that frustrates me is knowing that I am not where I wanted to be by now. Still shopping plus size, have to order almost everything I want to wear online. I definitely didn't still want to be the size I am right now by this time.
My goal was to get down to 200lbs by my son's second birthday. I have about 8 months to go, and I haven't made any progress since his birthday, in fact have back slid a bit. I don't know how some of you have done it!? I just can't seem to stay on track for more than about a month. I get stressed out and give up way too easy. I need to figure out what can really motivate me to stay on it and lose the weight.
Tracking food definitely helps, but I throw it out the window so fast. It's so easy to just "give up for the day" when I go a little off course. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just getting too complacent about all this. But, before I know it, it's going to be my son's 2nd birthday and I'm going to be kicking myself for not doing it, for myself and for him. I want to be a good example of a healthy person, I want to pursue my career in health, and I want him to have a mom who can live a long and active life. He is such a sweet and active boy, I don't want that to ever change.
Love my little man.
Sunday, July 06, 2014
I've been struggling to stay on track with tracking foods, which is the most important thing for me to help with weight loss in my experience so far. When I track consistently, I see consistent progress, when I don't track I either plateau or back slide. I think what I'm going to try is like a count up type thing like the "# of Days without an Accident" signs at big factory plants. Except mine will be "# of Days Tracking Streak" up on my white board. I don't know if I'll stick with it, but it's worth a shot, kind of a way of challenging myself to stay on track and compete with myself to get the longest tracking streak I can get. I'm going to try it, and hopefully update on that eventually.
Oh! A little while back I did post a bunch of pictures from when I first met my husband to now and then some people requested I do the same for my son on his first birthday. Well, I made a video for his birthday and I meant to put it on here for you to see, also, and never got to it. So, here it is, just copy/paste the link.
The songs are all meaningful to me and I never got around to really explaining to anyone what they meant to me. I don't know if it'll make any sense to anyone, but I'll explain anyways.
First, "Can't Help Falling in Love" by Elvis Presley. This song was played frequently during David's first few months. "Wise men says only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you." I had struggled a lot feeling like this was all such bad timing and we didn't have a plan for how we were going to support a baby or what we'd do. I had a lot of fears while I was pregnant about whether I could emotionally handle it, also. Diving in head first without a plan was foolish, but in the end I couldn't help falling in love with him, even though sometimes my love was expressed mostly as fear, deep down it was really I just loved him so much I couldn't bear the thought of him not having his needs met, emotionally or otherwise. Then "Like a river flows surely to the sea, darling so it goes, somethings are meant to be", I have been so amazed by how things have worked out and honestly he hasn't cost us much money at all. We have had amazing people in our lives who helped provide some of his needs, big and small, it all really added up. The most expensive thing we have done is baby proofing and just now him having to go on toddler formula (which may be a separate blog post of it's own on another day). It has worked out so perfect it was just mean to be. It has not been completely smooth sailing emotionally for me, but things get better every day and it does help that we are getting more secure financially.
Second, "I Love You Always Forever". This was also a song I played a lot when he was a newborn. I loved to dance with him to this song because it was so upbeat. "Feels like I'm standing in a timeless dream of light mists and pale amber rose. Feels like I'm lost in a deep cloud of heavenly scent. Touching, discovering you." It felt so unreal, like a dream, (sometimes a nightmare) but it was all happening around me. It took me awhile to really get to know David, and even now I feel like I am still getting to know him. I love his soft skin and his little feet and hands. I love his smile and laugh, the little noises he makes, the excited sounds and motions he makes when someone he loves enters the room. And of course the main course of the song just speaks for itself! "I love you always forever, Near or far, closer together, Everywhere I will be with you, Everything I will do for you" needs no explanation I don't think. "You've got the most unbelievable blue eyes I've ever seen, you've got me almost melting away." Oh I just love David's eyes, they are so interesting this bluish green, so unexpected since I thought I'd get a dark brown eyed baby since me and my husband both have brown eyes, such a sweet surprise.
Last, "You and Me" by Frances England. This is my song for him now, and probably for a long time. I am so proud of him. I love the great memories we are making now. I also like how this song actually lines up in the video to where he starts really making some progress in getting mobile, crawling, pulling up, giving HUGE smiles. Oh I just so proud of him. He is so sweet and I just adore this song. "How did you grow so big over night? How did you get so smart and bright? Yesterday you were asleep in my arms, today you're growing off the charts! I'm so proud of you." It really did feel like one day he was this squishy blob baby that didn't do much but cry, sleep, and eat. Now he has developed such a fun personality and he likes to play and learn things and interact with me. I can't pin point exactly where that happened, but what is fun and not really planned was that the point where that song comes on the video is showing where he is suddenly becoming more mobile, you can see the sudden difference from him being a tiny baby to being an older baby going into toddlerhood. It's so perfect!
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the video and I will update about how the whiteboard count up is going at a later time. I'm hoping it helps!!
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
So, after reading the comments of a few people on my last blog entry, I decided I would go to that BBQ that my husband really wanted to go to. It was fun. There was not as much tempting food there as I had thought. I've been there before for those parties and they usually have loads of food and all different kinds. This time they just had burgers, brats, potatoes, and chips. I spied some brownies, but they were covered and no one was eating them, so I wasn't sure they were meant for everyone. I had one Mountain Dew, because it's my favorite and I knew I could only have one and drink lemonade or water the rest of the time.
Weigh in today and I hadn't gained, so that's awesome. Happy happy happy.
I am on track today, also. I went for 2 walks today, earlier I walked to the post office and then later I took the dog for a nice walk after David went to bed. Hit my 5000 steps for the day, and a little beyond!
Tomorrow is the trip downstate. We aren't leaving until later on after Vince gets out of work, so I know I will be fine during the day, being able to track what I eat. Usually we do grab some food on the drive and caffeine is a must when leaving late in the day. But, I should still be able to track and stay at least close to my ranges. Vince is very on board and is trying to lose weight also, although I haven't talked him into tracking, he just eats what I eat, and sometimes a bit more. Seems to have worked well for him for the most part.
I don't really expect to lose any weight on this trip, but hopefully I can stay under control for the most part. As far as the competition, I think I will just be happy if I can weigh at the end of the 4 weeks the same as when we started. I don't think it's really possible for me to catch up to the people who lost 7lbs the first week, when I haven't lost anything still after the 2nd weigh in. It really wouldn't be healthy, and that's the whole point, right? I guess what I'm worried about is if people start "talking crap" to me about the competition, since I won last time. I never did that to anyone, I never talked about that I was winning, but they all did. Hopefully, they remember that I was never the one to bring it up and I never bragged to them about it. But I guess even if they do, I'll just tell them, my goal is just to maintain right now, I wasn't planning on winning. It's just still embarrassing to be dead last.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
So, I'm at the halfway point of my initial long term goal. I want to be down 90lbs total by my son's second birthday. His first birthday is in a week and I am down about 40lbs. I suppose in perspective, that's great, because I actually started the post-pregnancy weight loss journey a couple months after he was born, not right away. So, I have another year to lose 50 more pounds, that's a lot of weight, but if I can do 40 in less than a year, surely I can do 50 in a year, right?
Well, I don't know what is wrong with me, but I'm losing my grip here. We started the biggest loser challenge, and I am the only one as of last week that gained weight (.2 lbs, so not a big deal, but still). Stupid, because the weigh in was Monday, and on like Friday I was down about 4 lbs, somehow by Monday I had jumped back up. I guess I got over confident and I... I don't know. Anyways, I guess it left me in kind of bad spirits as far as being motivated for the competition. I feel like I've already lost, some people lost 7 lbs just in that first week!! What the heck?! I'm never going to be able to catch up. But, I need to not do this just to win, I need to do this to get me back on track.
It's hard, because lately there has been an unending list of excuses to not track. I don't feel like there is any point in tracking if I know there is going to be a meal where I won't be able to track, I don't know why I feel that way, but I've been that way since the beginning. So, Mother's Day I didn't track, because that's my day! Then, my birthday I didn't track, because that's my day, too! Now, told my husband, ok, the birthday cake is gone (gave some of it away, then we ate the rest), so back on track now. But tomorrow is neighbor kid's open house... well I'm not close to the neighbors, we honestly kind of don't like them that much, but I'd like to try to make nice with them, because I may need them one day and I think they are nice people, we just got a bad first impression. I guess, we could just stop in to the open house and say hi and drop off a gift and leave. I'm not 100% sure they'd notice right away if we didn't show up at all, but I think it would cross their mind eventually and we told them we'd be there, so I don't want to be a liar. I think the only solution is to go and not stay long and not eat anything. And then, my husband says his boss is having a cookout for Memorial day. Guh.. when does it end? I think I will tell my husband he can go, but I'm not going. I'm tired of it. I cannot do social situations and not end up eating too much, because I can't track. Then we are going out to Zehnder's on Friday when we go downstate to see family because they do a free meal the month of your birthday and I haven't been in the area for my birthday in a long time and I really want to go. Then my parents want to do cake and ice cream that night, too. Then Sunday is David's birthday party. Ugh... I'm going to weigh a million pounds when this is all over.
Ok. I just told my husband no Memorial Day party. So, that problem solved. But the rest, it's still too much. Maybe I won't go to Zehnder's either... but that's kind of sad...
I don't know.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
I've been crazy anxious lately, and I'm actually not even sure why. I guess maybe it has to do with my son's first birthday coming up, which includes us taking an 8+ hour trip to see family. And, of course, money anxieties are always floating around in the back of my head. I have had a rotation of 3 songs stuck in my head for the past week or so, which is always a sign of anxiety for me.
So, my husband stayed home from work for half the day so that I could get a little extra sleep, because I was up too late last night, because I'm having trouble getting my breast pump to work properly, I couldn't figure out why it wasn't suctioning as well as usual. I realized, too late, that I need to replace a part on it. So, I took him to work today after I got some sleep and our son took a nap. Since it was already 2pm by the time I dropped him off, I decided to stick around and get some things done. So, I renewed my driver's license, since my bday is next week and I'm turning 25. I also went to the store to get the replacement part for my breast pump. While I was there I got sucked into the infant/toddler clothes section. Found some shirts on clearance. A plain black long sleeved shirt, a white turtle neck shirt, and a blue thermal shirt for only $1. I also found a long sleeve Avengers shirt for $2. They were all bigger sizes than what he is in currently, so they should all fit him either in the fall or in the winter. I was happy, because that's pretty much yard sale prices for brand new clothes. Woohoo!
Then, somehow, I ended up at Maurice's. Nice store. Expensive store. Clearance jeans were 75% off though! I wanted to try on jeans, because a lot of my jeans are getting big on me. I realized while I was there that size 22 jeans are getting big on me, but size 20 is still tight in most jeans. I walked out with a new outfit, which I justified that I need some new clothes to go out in for my birthday. A pair of jeans, a pink lace tank top, and a black jacket. So cute! All on sale, so it only set me back $55, but that is still a lot for me to spend, especially while I'm losing weight, but I really needed some new clothes. About 80% of my clothes are from over 3 years ago. Styles I do not really like any more, and sizes that are definitely not my size anymore. Oh well, little by little I will have to replace them.
Shopping felt good though. Maurice's is really the only store where I live, other than Walmart, that carries my size in stock and doesn't force me to shop online. I feel so much better, and maybe I won't have those darn songs stuck in my head. I guess that emotional shopping is at least a bit better than emotional eating. Although, it set me back financially a bit, at least if I regret it, I can always go back and return them. Once you put something bad for you in your stomach, you can't undo it. I don't think I'll regret it though, I was due for a new outfit.
I am doing a 4 week "Biggest Loser" competition with my husband's family. $10 per person and who ever loses the biggest percentage of body weight wins all. I won last round, which was a 12 week round. We will see how it goes with only 4 weeks. I think I did so well last time is because everyone fizzled out after a few weeks and I kept pushing. So, the shorter time is going to be more of a challenge, I think. But, I'm pretty sure I can still do it. I'm not going to stress too much about it, because this is just not a good month for me anyways. I will try to be good every day, but I am going to enjoy my birthday and my son's birthday. I'm not going to stress on those days. I figure 2 days out of 4 weeks is not going to be what destroys my efforts, it would be if after those two days pass that I keep eating poorly. Anyways, it's only $10, I just want to participate and do my best, winning is not super important this time around.
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