Saturday, March 08, 2014
As most of you know I have an Over Active Bladder (OAB) and a touch of Interstitial Cystitis (IC). For those of you just tuning in it is not fun but I am learning how to manage it through diet, exercise and meds. Both the OAB and especially the IC cause bladder “flares” which feel like a urinary tract infection. I keep test strips on hand for the especially bad ones to be sure there isn’t an infection. Hence, that is what I am going through right now- a very bad bladder flare that has left me doubled over and in a lot of pain. I think I know what the culprit is: combination of stress and acidic foods….so I have cut the acidic foods, upped my water, and have been trying to cut the stress.
I didn’t get around to organizing the attic yesterday. G insisted that he help so he could lift heavy things and I could go through them quickly. So, we are doing that today after I am finished with my tea and this blog. Hehe It shouldn’t be too bad as it is a small space. The only thing is the childhood stuff I managed to get from my Dads house are in smaller boxes that do not have lids so I need to condense and switch out boxes. That shouldn’t be too bad. I just want to get this organized so when it’s time to move we can grab and go- no drama. After that I want to vacuum and steam clean the hallway carpet upstairs and down the steps. So, big day cleaning wise! Then we hit the grocery store way later when the crazies aren’t there. Heh!
Mark said might come home tomorrow so it is really imperative we get the attic and upstairs done today. I also want to hit the dark wood floors downstairs. It is muddy out and no matter how much I wipe the doggilies paws they track in mud and I usually follow them with a mop. However, this morning I left it because G and I will be tracking in dirt and such around as we clean…so I will mop them when I am done. (Did I mention these floors are the bane of my existence?! Grrs! Lolz)
So, I have been thinking as to what to do for the one year of my dad passing. He was cremated and my step mom took his ashes so I do not have a grave to visit. However, he was a heat and frost insulator- he even worked in asbestos removal. He helped to build many buildings in the tri-state area especially Akron. In fact the hospital he was in he helped build and even the hospice where he finally passed! He was particularly proud of one building he helped work on. He always said he wanted his ashes spread in the flower beds in front of it. We joked we would get popped for littering and he would likely be laughing from wherever he was. Well, I do not have his ashes but I know where this building is…so I am thinking about visiting it, getting pictures of it etc. In fact can I just confess something? When I look at the downtown Akron skyline…I see his legacy. All of his lifes work spread out before me. I am blessed that I see him there- it is better than any damn grave- because he lives on in someplace beyond my heart. Thinking about it makes me tear up…*sighs* So, I think that is what I am going to do...visit his favorite places.
Anywho, I hope everyone has a great weekend!
Thursday, March 06, 2014
So much going on...so much stress and annoyance. It'd hard to focus and find balance.
Mark's dad passed away yesterday. My heart breaks for him because my Dad passed away a year ago on the 22nd of this Month. He is in the midst of planning the funeral and trying to figure out what to do with his mom who has dementia that borderlines Alzheimer's. He wishes to bring her here and I understand that- I would be in the same in the whirl of grief and loss. However, he works nights and sleeps days. How can he properly care for his mother who is on oxygen and on chemo treatments for cancer? He sort of hinted I could do it. Mind you I am not a nurse or a medical professional. Also, he burned his bridges with me as most of you know. Long story short I hope he and his sister can really think this out and comes to the conclusion that she needs professional care. That is what is best for her. Also, I am not going to be here much longer- hopefully- so if he does move her in how can he properly care for her?
On the job front G got approached by a head hunter for a company he is highly interested in and they are so far very interested in him. He is being passed off to the hiring manager. If he gets this job we will be out of this hell in two months TOPS. I cannot pray hard enough. I am sick of being stressed and riddled with anxiety as to what games Mark is going to play next. Grant it he has been nice for the past week and a half but who knows if mean Mark will come out now that his dad has passed. (He is already starting to show signs of his childish behavior. *sighs*) He is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It’s exhausting.
I went to my doctor yesterday and spoke to him about something’s I have been super concerned about. He suspects I might have endometriosis and really wants me to get a test done just to see so we can go from there. I cannot at this time because money is super tight (saving to get out of here), business is slow, and I don’t have insurance at this time. He asked me if I would be willing to go on birth control to perhaps see how I would react to it. I am willing but I just cannot afford it. He warned me if it is so and I do have endometriosis we need to move on it. He didn’t want to get a report of me in the ER bleeding and needing surgery. I am trying to figure out my options. Stay tuned for that…mess. *sighs* Other than that blood pressure was fine and he seemed pretty happy about the weight loss.
Today I started spring cleaning and some packing for when we are going to move. I hit up Marks room first because it is so hard to get into because he sleeps during the day. I tore the room down, dusted, vacuumed, and steamed cleaned the carpets. I even cleaned and straightened his closet, vacuumed his mattress, and packed up some stuff I was storing under his bed. Tomorrow I am going to hit the attic- separating his stuff from mine so when it's time to leave I can just grab and go. Then I plan on steam cleaning all the carpets upstairs- hallway and two more rooms. Downstairs we have dark hardwood flooring which is the bane of my existence! I plan on steam cleaning all the area rugs, moving furniture, sweeping, mopping etc. Basically I am hoping to have it done so when Mark comes home I wont be making a ruckus to spring clean- he can have peace and quiet to grieve which is something I didn't get from him. In fact about two and a half weeks ago he mocked my grief. Yeup. Nice.
I refuse to lower myself to his level especially now that he gets it. He received a bereavement package from a flower place already so I texted to let him know. I wished him well despite the circumstances and let him know if there is anything he needs to let me know. He texted back and summed it up- things feel empty now. There is an empty place and it is unexplainable. I told him he hit the head on the nail with those words and as much as I wish I could tell him it would go away- it wont. It's horrible. Time might help to lessen the sharp pain but from where I stand nearly a year on this Earth without my dad (and only shred of family)- it is still as if he died yesterday.
It's truly heartbreaking. As much as Mark and I have had our fights and how poorly he has treated me- I really wish he didn't have to go through this. I wish no one had to go through it. Yes, it's a right of passage but it's a hurt that will always be there.
So...that's that. That is what is happening. Eating right and working out isn't at the top of my list right now. I am eating healthy foods but that is when I remember. When I get stressed I don't eat. Working out is cleaning right now.
Hopefully I will be able to focus and find balance soon. Fingers crossed G gets that job! :D
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
I am celebrating a 30 pound total weight loss! Grant it I have A LOT more to go, but I am not going to focus on that right now. Ten pounds at a time seems to keep me motivated the most…so two more pounds and I will be into the 30’s! :D
I am still on my candida detox diet. It is working as it always does. The die off is making me dizzy, cloudy, exhausted, itchie etc. Totally worth it! Those symptoms have lessened and I can feel my body healing- just in time to start an impromptu TOM. Oh…yay. I guess with weight loss comes regularity in that field? Normally my cycle is every 52 days. My doc and I are cool with that for now. I paid my dues last month…now like clockwork this month? What?! You mean I might be normal? Ugh!
I am still having the horrible dreams that wake me up. At least now I am not hysterically crying. It just seems like when my grief button is pushed I cannot stop the extreme emotions and tears. It’s like I have no control over it anymore. My first instinct is to mask the button and make it so it cannot get pushed. The more I study and the more I read experts say- go with it, deal with it, it is what it is but for me it’s so debilitating. I can’t eat, I can’t drink, I’m completely exhausted, I lose track of time and find myself just staring out of the window or standing in the kitchen wondering why I am there. I try to be constructive. I work on developing product for the Etsy store, but then one day I ended up sewing my finger to a project. It’s like I am in and out. I wish it would stop.
On the home front things are calm. Mark hasn’t had any crazy blow ups. In fact he seems to be ebbing out mood wise. He has been nice. G and I are wondering when his next blow up will be though. We cannot help it. We thought we had a leg up on getting out of here as G was interviewing for two positions with two different companies. The one company he was pretty psyched with and they were ecstatic about him- very impressed. They wanted him to take a personality test to go onto the next step. This test is a multi-choice test and G tends to fall in the middle of the choices so he hates these tests. Turns out his personality type “isn’t the type they are looking for” despite him having the experience, knowledge and know how to get the job done. The recruiting guy said he doesn’t ever look at the tests and will be highly recommending him but he knows the hiring manager holds this test at great value as does the company. We are extremely disappointed. This job would have paid a heck of a lot more than the job he is in currently and we could have gotten out of here in about 2.5 months tops if he would have gotten it. Oh, well…more apps in, more prayers being said, and more focus.
Well, it’s off with me to make dinner. I hope everyone is well!
Sunday, February 23, 2014
I got through yesterday. I did! I knew I would but it was hard. I know it was especially hard on G and Cheryl. Not because of this or that…but because they love me and hate to see me in so much grief & pain. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I couldn’t think straight or keep myself engaged in anything.
I did, however, force myself to get dressed and go out. G and I did some errands, enjoyed the sunshine some, and then stopped at subway. I hadn’t really eaten anything in about a day and a half. I didn’t even realize it until I was ordering- I wasn’t hungry but I knew I needed to eat!
Due to ALL of this stress, not eating, not getting enough to drink etc my body is very angry with me. The candida infection I struggle with has come back full force. When I say candida infection I mean in my gut (we all have yeast in our gut- some more than others and it can grow out of control!) which is causing all sorts of horrible symptoms- skin rash, eczema-like sores around the eyes, upset stomach, amplified depression, exhaustion, and yes the lovely lady problems down below. (tmi? Lolz)
I usually keep an eye on my diet. Sugars, artificial sweeteners, wheat, prepackaged and fermented foods I eat in serious moderation. When I see signs or feel symptoms of a candida overgrowth I instantly start to treat it through diet, probiotics, and LOTS of fresh filtered water.
I have been so out of it I have ignored the first signs and today it is BAD! Right now I am eating a strict gut-healing diet consisting of fresh veggies, plain low fat greek yogurt, lean meats, lots of garlic, apple cider vinegar and cranberries. I am also giving my immune system a boost with a homeopathic remedy. I have to say the candida die off is making me MISERABLE! Dizzy, nauseous, itchie, aches, pains, etc. Totally worth it to be candida free though!
While I was putting together my salad for lunch I made a yummy salad dressing from fat free plain Greek yogurt. It had a lot of flavor! I was pretty proud of it. Super good for me too because it had lots of garlic! :D
I did manage to get so much stuff done today despite feeling icky! I cleaned the bathroom, swept the upstairs, got two loads of laundry done, cleaned the kitchen from breakfast/lunch and changed the water in the fish tanks.
…at least I am being productive right?
Tonight for dinner I think everyone else in the house is ordering pizza and wings. Me? I am having steamed veggies with garlic and a salad with a hardboiled egg. For a snack I will blend up some immune booster juice. Fingers crossed all my efforts will pay off soon and my body will start to feel better!
Hope everyone is well!
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Just fair warning this blog is an emotional mess...
Today has been rough where grief is concerned. I had very vivid dreams last night replaying all the events that happened up until my fathers passing. Him on life support, me holding his hand, me having my "moment" with him etc. It was so real. I woke up sobbing, terrified, and in a full blown panic attack. The whole morning has been spent crying and or holding back tears, doing research as to what I can do to better handle this.
I've been talking to Cheryl and G...and one thing is for certain...this is delayed. After my dad died I stayed strong because I felt I had to. I felt it was a better way to honor him. I felt the grief but pushed it away. Now its full on and amplified by the stressful situation I am in. I am overwhelmed and drowning in it. I do not have the tools, resources, or the know how to get through this. This is a different type of grief I have never ever experienced. It's too much, but I'm trying. (I have a journal I write and scrap book in where its me "talking" to my dad and then I started a gratitude journal where I write everything good that happened for the day- even if its a bad day there are always still small blessings somewhere!)
One thing I do know is...I have to stop this. It is too much. It is warm enough outside and sunny enough I can bundle up...and go for a walk or a hike. Perhaps communing with nature will calm me down. I will take a moment and count my blessings....enjoy my time with G...and thank the universe that I will make it through today.
Just breathe...just let it go. Focus on positives and goals. Eat something. (preferably something nutritious!) Stay hydrated. Be gentle with myself yet firm....and smile.
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