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TALULAX-'s Recent Blog Entries

Everything that Fell Out of Place...Is Falling in Place

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

I have lost four pounds! I weighed myself yesterday night (yeah, I know not a good time- do it in the mornings.) just to gauge where I am / get an idea. I was four pounds down. I weighed myself this morning and I am five pounds down. I am sticking with the four because my body likes to yo-yo especially when sick / struggling with sinus issues. So, yes! *little dance* the scale is going down. All the portion watching, no late night snacking and upped activities are paying off!

Even G is down four pounds! YAY! Hopefully once some of the stress (and holiday stuff) is past we can really focus on hardcore workouts. However, I am just happy with some losing.

Today was busy. I gave the furbabies a bath and a grooming. Mr. Mushu thanks to him being a Yorkie he got a whole all over haircut, bath, pedi, and a conditioning spray on his coat. Draco got a good brushing out, some conditioning spray on his coat and a pedi. They have been prancing around here all uppity- especially Draco. Draco is so silly! Anytime I groom him or even just a quick brush out he has to cavort around showing everyone! Lol Our kitty meow meows I wiped down with these nice smelling pet wet wipes. To them it was just like I was petting them so they didnít much mind. (So much easier than watching a cat backflip out of sink full of water and onto someone head! Lmao!)

When I was working on dinner I saw Aunt Lin on so I messaged her. She was laughing that she was in the process of messaging me. Great minds I guess! She wanted to tell me that she finally got around to using the soap I made for her and sent her. The reason why it took so long is because she was just leaving it open by her computer so she could smell it. Haha!

Anywho, she went on to tell me that the soap I made for her is the most amazing soap she had ever used! She has a condition where her skin tears easily. She said the soap lathered so nicely and then rinsed off so easy she didnít have to ďpeel off any residueĒ. To quote her, ďI mean like one pass over the body & done, no need to peel off layers of skin. Yes this is me telling you, I feel like I was in one of those tv ads showers. What an experience!!!! I bow to you my little witch!!Ē I sat there blinking. Wow just wow! Then she went on to tell me she isnít easily impressed, but with the soap she is through the roof ecstatic about it. She went on about how she never used a handmade soap that had so much silky lather and the scent I picked for her was perfect.

I think my face hurts from smiling so much! I explained to her I spent years perfecting my soap recipes and studying the making of such. I feel like I am always learning something new. I hear compliments about my soaps, but to hear it from her- someone who has a medical condition with her skin- and how it is benefiting her makes it worth everything I do! Donít get me wrong every compliment is so special to me, but people with skin disorders / issues / sensitivities are the reason why I ended up in this line of work!

My business started off with candles, soaps, and bath products. Only recently have I expanded into other areas and talents that I have. I have been focusing on those more than what the business originally was only because in business you cannot be a married to an idea. You must expand and be flexible! The holidays are big for the original side of it. In fact I told G just the other day I love what I do but I love the old skool stuff most of all! This just reinforces I need to focus on both parts equally. I was already adding soaps and bath products to the shop but I think I need to add more.

So, all and all I am doing great. I am on track for my Birthday Goal. I am on track for my things to do this week and (aside from a scratchie throat I think from sinuses) I am feeling really good!

Hope everyone is well!

emoticon Lula

  
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JEANNIE1238 12/17/2014 5:36AM

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1HAPPYSPIRIT 12/16/2014 7:38PM

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Plans for the New Space & Other Stuff!

Monday, December 15, 2014

Aside from the little annoyances and counting down until the roommates are officially out I am doing well today. I made a to do list and scheduled what days I will be doing each thing on as to not try to do everything in one day like I am known for. Lolz Itís going to be a pretty busy week juggling the business, prepping for Yule and Christmas as well as prepping for the kids to come but I got this!

G and I have been kicking around ideas for the free spaces when the roommates leave. Essentially G and I do not need much living space. We rented this house (3 bedroom, 1 finished attic, basement, 1 bathroom) for super cheap. Way cheaper than we could get a one bedroom loft apartment! Plus it allowed our fur babies. Our neighbors are completely amazing! Grant it itís not the prettiest of houses on the outside, but I donít live on the outside.

AnywhoÖG and I right now live in the finished attic area. We separated it into three spaces: Bedroom, computer/office area, small storage area. This is where we have always spent most of our time here if not at the dining room table for meals. We plan on dropping our bedroom down to the Master bedroom, the small spare room (which is storage / work out room right now) will become our computer / office room and we are thinking the living room we are going to turn it into a living / work out area. We donít have many people come to visit so doing such is fine by us. Plus, when G comes in from work and I am finishing up dinner he can jump on the elliptical. Even better all of our workout stuff will be in the same place: Elliptical, WiiFit, Workout DVDs, Weights, Stretch Bands, Yoga matts etc. Even better? All my work stuff will officially occupy downstairs so while I am working when I have a sit and wait moment I can get a work out in! YAY!

I am still working through what happened and just more annoyed with it than anything. I am still hurt that we were treated so poorly Ė like creditors- for helping them and keeping them from being homeless. We tried, sacrificed our plans, in order to help them get back on their feet only to be insulted, lied to, and manipulated. Worse? They have two female cats that arenít fixed. They howl in heat constantly and scratch everything! We keep all cats down in the basement because 1. Their cats spray and donít behave. 2. In the summer we were afraid the cats would dart out the screen doors which arenít very secure. We have a litter box on the main floor for our cats who we let roam free up here during the day. Then evening comes and they are happy to chill downstairs. (Weíve actually tried to keep them up permanently since its winter and the doors are closed but they insist on sleeping in the basement- whatever makes them happy!)

With all this when they first moved in we told them your cats are your cats. You feed and water your own cats and the deal was G will clean litter boxes in the morning and the male roommate will clean them in the evening- EVERYDAY. Thus, G goes down every morning to feed, water, and clean litter boxes. (If he is out of town I do it.) It was always a crapshoot as to when the male roommate got around to it- usually once a week when he had to do laundry. We also noticed that for a bit he was feeding them with Gís food which is top of the line indoor kitty food. So, we put half the cost of that food on the board of the money they owe us. Sorry, but we arenít going to allow you to steal food and thief stuff from us all sneaky like. When he saw that he rushed out and bought a cheap bag of his own food.

WellÖYesterday, G and I realized that the male roommate hadnít fed their cats in a week or soÖmaybe longer. So, G gave them some of their own food. Today, we fed them as well. Those babies were starving! How cruel can you be?! I mean I know you arenít responsible for anything in your life hence why you are in the situation you are in, but at least feed your cats!!!! GRRRSSS! Their tummys are so upset they are throwing up so G and I are feeding them small amounts throughout the day so they donít gorge and hurt themselves.

It makes me so angry!!! You have two female cats that you have taken into your care. They rely on you to feed, water, and care for them. That means get them fixed. Make sure you feed, water and clean their litter boxes and give them love! How could you do that to an animal?! That sort of stuff makes me lividÖeven more so I wish G and I would have caught it sooner so they wouldnít be so uncomfortable and sick. A-hole! Grrsss!

I know I should probably say something to him, but I just donít want to deal with him. He sneaks around here avoiding us. We do our own thing. I honestly cannot wait to start packing their crap for them. Luckily they do not have much! That will happen after the kidsí visit. I have been saving boxes for this occasion too! Lol It will be therapeutic. I just hope we donít get stuck with their cats. Something tells me we will though. G said if we do get stuck with them he will rehome them. He canít afford to get them fixed or the vet bills that two more furbabies will cost. (Those are things you have to think about when you take responsibly of a pet, however, I see far too often the same exact thing that the roommates are doing with their cats. Sad!)

I am really looking forward to the new workout space and the change coming. I am focusing on the positive side of it! As said, yes I am still processing, but I am not dwelling (as I usually do) and slowly moving on. I have good things to look forward to. Also, I am still three pounds down. I am not clocking it quite yet as I am still yo-yoing due to the sinus issue.

Aside from the kitty issue...I feel good today!

emoticon Lula

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEANNIE1238 12/16/2014 5:54AM

    Those poor cats. That says a lot about your soon to be ex-roommates right there. I can't stand when people neglect their pets. I'm so glad you two don't have to deal with them much longer. Things will get a lot better for the two of you once they are gone. Less stress.

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VEG954 12/15/2014 8:18PM

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Rambles: Coming Down from the Atmosphere?

Saturday, December 13, 2014

I am doing well since yesterdayís blog. I am still a little sad, but I am processing my feelings and getting over it. Itís difficult because the male roommate will be staying here until the end of the month- which is fine whatever. He just quietly moves about the house avoiding us. Fine by me. I donít like him because his wife is a lying POS narcissistic manipulative slob with a victim mentality and I feel sorry for him. They are both users and losers. Iíve had enough. Go away. Indeed!

'nough said on that...moving on....lolz

I am feeling positive, but have a little anxiety. Natural for me as it will be like that until all of this is said and done. Until it is I wonít dwell, enjoy the season, and just focus on the home stretch. I feel good. I do! I can deal with this. By that I mean I can live with my anxiety. I can work through it and still go on with life. This isnít going to stop me or my goals for becoming a healthier me physically, mentally and emotionally!

Today, out of the blue Aunt Lin called me. Yes, she called me! I hadnít got around to giving her my phone number yet. She gave me hers, but I have been too chicken shy to call. When she called I.C., Gís kitty meow meow, was on my lap loving on me. (By loving I mean head butting me and kneading on me) By the time I got to my phone it went to voice mail. I just looked at my phone in shock- it was Aunt Lin! What do I do? (Yes, I am that awkward! Lolz) I figured she got my phone number off my business website. G was laughing and told me to call her back so I did.

When she answered she was laughing and said, ďI am sorry I just wanted to hear your voice! I hope you arenít mad!Ē I wasnít at all. It was so easy talking to her. It was like talking to an old friend. We talked for six hours non stop! Can you believe it?! We didnít even realize it until she stopped and said, ďOh, dear! I stole you away from G for most of the day! I am so sorry!Ē for which of course G didnít care. He was sitting next to me playing his games and talking to his gaming buddies. He was happy I was talking to Aunt Lin.

It was such a good talk! We covered everything. I mean everything and probably then some. *giggles* She did make me realize something. The grief from my dadís passing- I need to let go. Yes, I need to do it at my own pace, at my own time, but it needs to happen. She said she feels that I am in a good place and is so proud of me, but she worries the grief I am holding onto is going to hurt me more. She said she feels it and hears it in my words that I maybe torturing myself with the what ifs of it all. I didnít take offence. I am really thinking on it. I think she is right, but it goes deeper.

I realized a while back I have this grief button that gets hit when I get scared, feel alone, or just generally feel my security is being compromised. My mind instantly travels to the very day he died followed by all the stuff I experienced after that regarding my horrible step family. When my Dad died I felt like I lost my roots and I floated up to the atmosphere. That is where I lived and now I am running out of air. It is scary up here and itís lonely. I feel very alone.

I think there is something in all that. A piece to the puzzle - that if I put it all together it will help this process. G said, perhaps if I realize and truly understand I am not alone possibly that would help. Likely it would. I think Aunt Linís valid concern and her recommendation to, ďLet it goĒ is something that is a part of this. My brain is just not processing it. I donít have the light bulb flickering on yet. It feels so easy to get yet so hard. I know when I am ready it will happen.

All I know is I want to be rooted again. I want to honor my dadís memory in my everyday life by being happy and secure. I want my goals back. I want my focus to be on that journey I set out on long before he died: To become a healthier happier me through a positive lifestyle change that caters towards a healthy diet, exercise, surrounding myself with positive people / interactions, and unpacking the baggage Iíve been carrying. After all I have always believed as seeing myself as a whole person- not just my weight and I completely understood going into this I had A LOT of work to become a healthier me.

I wish my brain would click onto that missing piece. I feel deep down that someone could tell me what it is but my heart doesnít know that language. It has to figure it out on its own. That to me is frustrating, but I am very much willing to wait patiently and be gentle with myself while it figures it all out. Yes, I know often it isnít one piece, but I think this is the piece I am getting hung up on.

All I know isÖmaybe itís time to come down from the atmosphere, breathe, drop some rootsÖand just grow. Maybe letting go is what I need to do. Maybe realizing I am not alone will help. And maybe just being is what I need right now.

emoticon Lula



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEANNIE1238 12/14/2014 9:26AM

    You can find the way, Talulax. Just be patient and try to focus on taking one step at a time, and slowly introduce the others one at a time. As to avoid overwhelming yourself. You can do this.

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VEG954 12/14/2014 8:32AM

  Nothing worse than annoying roommates.

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ADARKARA 12/14/2014 6:10AM

    I have been in a similar position and could have written most of this blog myself! My dad was my emotional support. My husband is mostly emotionally unavailable, so there is this gaping hole where that support was. And when someone like a parent dies, you lose more than the parent, you lose all of the people you knew who would visit them. I miss so many people I don't see anymore. It leaves a big gap in your life.

I wouldn't say I've totally let go all the crap that's happened since my dad died, but I'm working on it. You'll let it go at your own pace. You'll realize it's not you that's the real issue, but your step family. Blended families are hard. And if I remember correctly, our situations were similar in that your step-mom had more than one child but you're an only child? It makes us feel even more alone. Only children have a hard enough time as it is.

I was talking to a very close friend recently about growing up with emotional abuse (me from my adoptive mom and him from his birth mom) and I was mentioning that I wish I'd had a sibling growing up. But then I realized that it would just be another person going through that crap, too. Two people damaged. The best we can do as only children is try to figure ourselves out. And to try to not be too angry or hurt at others. Because that negativity really only hurts US in the long run.

You're a beautiful, intelligent, creative woman. You'll figure it out. emoticon

emoticon

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LEANIE64 12/13/2014 9:10PM

    emoticon You are venting and sharing and that what helps a person..Each day is a healing day..find peace.

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Finally....it's over! (Still hurts though!)

Friday, December 12, 2014

Things came to a head this evening with the roommates. They have not paid on the money they owe us in over a month. Any plans they had of course went to crap. So, I shot a text to the both of them asking if they were going to get around to paying anything this month see as how Gís budget is strained on top of the kids coming to visit. We are getting stressed.

What I got pack via text was nothing but excuses and attitude. They were actually angry at us for even asking what was going on! Lolz Finally female roommate shot a text saying they will give us their half of this monthís rent and they will be out. Good. We didnít have to evict them. However, I called her out on her BS behavior telling her it is totally uncalled for them to be mad at us considering we have done nothing but help them even at the cost of our own security for which she decided to low blow me with BS. Thatís cool. She promised to get a check in the mail and gave some tap dance about how they will pay back the money owed. I will believe it when I see it. So, her low blow was pretty rough so I wished her well. I texted her with a simple msg of: ďI love you hunny, I always will. I wish you nothing put love, health, and happiness. You take care.Ē She tried to go on but I told her, ďIím done. Take care.Ē

So, itís done! I took her, him and her sister off my Facebook. I want no part of any of that! (Her sister is also a friend of mine and she didnít do anything but I donít want to be linked to any of them in anyway!)

I admit I was in tears. To try to help someone and keep them from being homeless only to get treated like crap was pretty brutal. Especially since I have known her since High School. I popped on Facebook and Aunt Lin was on. I PMed her. She said she felt there was something wrong so I dove in. She helped me work out my hurt and over all feelings. She helped center me to this moment, here and now. No more tears.

I feel a lot of relief, but my heart hurts too. I was already letting go but that final snap is always the worse. I haven't eaten or drank anything all day...so I do need to try to at least get some fluids in.

Hopefully I will get my bags back from her that she borrowed. Doubt it though. Aunt Lin said I need to see it as my bags helped to get the toxic friendship out of my life. I agree. Donít need it.

Still hurts.

Letís get all the hoot-la over so we can move on with our livesÖ
I am glad to be rid of all this in 2014 so I can go into 2015 toxic people free and remaining positive as well as focusing on my goals!

emoticon Lula

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ADARKARA 12/13/2014 6:43AM

    I'm really sorry you lost a friend here, but she doesn't sound like she was much of a friend to begin with. emoticon

I'm so happy you have your Aunt Lin! She sounds amazing!

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JEANNIE1238 12/13/2014 5:51AM

    I'm sorry things had to come down to that for you and your friend. From here on out it's just you and G, together you both will be able to overcome anything. Enjoy the freedom of having the place for just the two of you and when his kids come over. emoticon

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VEG954 12/12/2014 9:47PM

  Wish yoy the best.

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RAPUNZEL53 12/12/2014 7:10PM

  Good Luck!

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USMAWIFE 12/12/2014 6:56PM

    emoticon it so hurts when friends take advantage of our goodness



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Pushing on! :D

Thursday, December 11, 2014

I have been really busy filling holiday orders and what not for the business! My sinus infection is still sort of holding on. The junky stuff is no more, but I am still experiencing some fatigue and dizziness. It seems it is a little better each day. Hopefully I will be 100% here soon! (G thinks Ėand I am starting to agree- that I have really bad allergies that I let go untreated thus infection happens. So, I am now approaching treatment as allergies and it seems to be working!)

G and I are getting ready for his kids to visit. Instead of two weeks like his Ex promised him she decided to only give him a week. Whatever. Anytime is good with them! We have been getting an influx of packages coming in from his Mom who sends their gifts to us. We put her on Skype so she can watch them open their presents. I told her not to spend money on having them wrapped as I would do it. OMG so much to wrap! I managed to get them all done today- at least what has come in so far. All of Santas gifts, my yule gifts to them and Gís personal gifts to them are done except the laptops that G wants to update their operating system.

I think I mentioned this before, but G ended up getting the laptops for a good deal and we were able to help out our deadbeat roommates. The male roommate works in I.T. for a fortune 100 business. When they cycle out their laptops they sell the old ones to anyone who wants them in the company for $5. He turns around, wipes them clean, fixes them up and sells them on Craigs list for like $75. So, we asked him if he could get us a few laptops for the kids and we would take said amount off the debt they owe us. He was happy to do it! Grant it they are laptops that are several years old and a little worn but they are new to the kids. Better yet? They are compatible to play their games and also be locked down parental style so no one can get in trouble. So, the kids will have a great Christmas without blowing our budget! Woohoo!

In all the hustle and bustle I sent Aunt Lin a small package with her Yule card. I put two soaps in it and a handwritten card. She received it today. She told me she was in tears and couldnít thank me enough. Better yet when I said, ďI am glad I could brighten your day!Ē she said, ďBetter yet youíve brightened my life. You have always been so special to me. It is moments like this that brighten life!Ē She had me in tears. Who knew two little handmade soaps and a card could do so much?!

Like I said to herÖI didnít set out to do it. I did want to send her a card, but when I was pouring soaps she was so much on my mind and the happiness in my heart a flutter. As always I was scared of rejection because that is how it tends to be with my shyness, however, something told me to do it. I needed to do it. So, when I was packing up a ton of orders for shipping I thought why not one more? I am glad I did. I am glad it made her smile and know from the bottom of my heart how grateful I am she came into my life.

When G got home from work, this evening, we decided to finish up the kidsí shopping 100% and get somethingís for the house. Oddly there was hardly anyone at the stores and no lines. That was nice! We were in and out!

I am finding in the evenings I am just exhausted. It is all I have to keep my eyes open until bedtime. If I go to bed earlier than normal time I will snap awake as if I was taking a nap and then have a hard time staying a sleep for the rest of the night. Due to my history of having insomnia it is just better to stay on a strict sleep schedule. It really helps to prevent long nights awake for days on end.

My Elliptical challenge hasnít happened yet. I am still not well enough to exert myself that much. However, a lot of my work requires me to be up and down, standing, moving etc. Thus in between stuff I stretch, do counter pushups, jumping jacks and that sort of thing. So far I have been maintaining a three pound weight loss. Again, due to me being sick I am not tracking it quite yet because I tend to yo-yo.

I hope everyone is well!

emoticon Lula

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VEG954 12/11/2014 9:05PM

  Glad you are feeling better.
The kids will be so happy with their computers.
You really made a difference for your aunt.
Hope you can take time for yourself!

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