Monday, February 26, 2007
Hallelujah! I did it! I broke that nasty buggery 300lb barrier!!!
::Sigh::: Of course, as promised, I got down on my knees and thanked the One who has given me the strength and courage to stick to it this time. Folks, I cannot remember when I used to weigh less than 300lbs. Isn't that awful? To know that I allowed myself to get so lardy in the first place, and --horror of horrors-- to stay that way for soooooo long? Pathetic I tells ya, pathetic!
I almost can't believe it's true. I've been making confessions all week, so I am going to spill another: The lowest weight I had gotten to in the previous years was down to 303 back in Dec of 2004, when I had last tried the SBD. But, it was like I began an assault of self-sabotage or something, and instead of pushing through those few remaining pounds, I spun ever so slowly out of control, and blammy, started going right. back. up. Sure it was the holidays, but I remember blasting through Thanksgiving like nobody's business. Even if I had gained a few, it was like I couldn't reign in the eating, and consequently lost my grip altogether and eventually surrendered to my cravings and old eating habits.
So about two weeks ago, I was closing in on the 300lb barrier (that is how I envisioned it in my mind...an actual physical barrier of some sorts) and I started getting...nervous....anxious....fretty. Why?! Still don't know yet, I'm trying to process through that one. Anyway, there I was, staring down my enemy, and I could feel myself retreating. I had a binge a little less than two weeks ago. On top of that, I started allowing myself to accept the lame excuses my mind was throwing up at me for why I couldn't exercise. I felt like I was about to take a step backwards. Oh the angst!
You see, being over 300-something has been a part of my identity for so long now...like my height or my hair color. It's a part of who I am. I seemed incapable of wrapping my head around the fact that I could be a part of the 200+ pound club again. Me. ME? Yes, me. So, I gathered my cajones about me this last week, and buckled myself down, and gave me wee little brain a pep talk. Do it...don't be a fraidy cat. You DO want to lose this weight, right?
Stop with the excuses! Stop clenching up!!!! Just do it already!
So I laced my track shoes back up and started working out again. Fortunately, with the SBD lifestyle, eating is never really a challenge for me anymore. I know what I can and cannot eat, and for the most part, there are no cravings (the most important reason why I *love* this way of eating!!!). It's just making sure I get my water and snacks in, and a matter of keeping a keen eye on my portions and planning for my meals. Otherwise, I eat very healthy...99.5% of the time....that is as long as I ration my NSA fudgesicles, and stop trying to polish off a whole box at a time! Eegads!
But I digress....so I grudgingly got back to exercising (I keep hearing about how all these people gush and goo about how they now just l-o-v-e to exercise...uh....it ain't happening for me yet. I still dreeeeeeeeeeead it!). And, I made sure I got my three squares/snacks/water in. And yeah, I sneaked on the scale yesterday and it blinked up at me 299 something. No! For reals? Tried stepping on and off like, seriously, 17 times or something awful like that. Then got silly fluctuations all over the place. Said forget it, let's just see what tomorrow brings. So today, the scale did indeed flash up 298 and no matter how many times I hopped off and on that scale, moved it around to a different bathroom floor tile, tricked it out with my leg weight only to make sure the next weigh-in could not be a replica of the previous weight, I still got 298.
So it's official! I am now part of the 200+ club. Man, it feels great to be here!
It's like I am becoming human again.
52 lbs lost, only 128 to go
Many thanks, Lord. Many, many thanks....
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Okay, so I've made a real firm decision. I've decided that I'm not gonna play the "what will others think? game". Huh? Let me put it this way: I've noticed a trend in myself (and dare I say others?) to shy away from posting my weight on my ticker if it is somewhat *unfavorable*. If I was up a few pounds, I would not post it, instead "skipping" that week altogether. Well, that is a thing of the past. I have only myself and God to give account to, and I am doing this for me, not to impress others, or to worry about what they have to say.
So, from this week hence, I will post my weigh-in number on my ticker, no matter what it says. If I'm down, hallelujah! If I'm up, I'll keep pressing onward! There will be no false advertising here :)
It is ridiculous for me to expect my body not to go through some fluctuations. Heck, just being female assures me that at least once a month, I am going to see some water-retention related weight gain. Nevertheless, weighing in weekly helps to keep me motivated and accountable. The scale is neither my friend nor foe. It is just a simple tool to help me track my progress, as I work towards becoming a leaner, healthier me.
Yes, honesty IS the best policy :)
Friday, February 02, 2007
Yes! I have mounted the horse and am ready to ride!
As the month of February unfolds, I am striving to work on a very important task, one that is perhaps more important than working on my health and weight. In reality, this task encompasses the whole notion of striving towards becoming a better self and will in fact, enable me to accomplish my weight-related goals. What task is it? The dreaded task of learning self-discipline.
Self-discipline has been defined by some as the ability to get yourself to take action regardless of your emotional state. That sounds right up my alley! My favorite preacher, John MacArthur, once gave a wonderful sermon on the virtues of self-discipline. I took notes, I nodded my head in hearty agreement, and I pondered the implications of what he was saying. I even semi-tried to implement his suggestions for living a more disciplined life into my own topsy-turvy world. But alas, like a slinky left to topple down the stairs, I fell right back into a downward spiral of self-gratification and lack of direction. Not so much because I am a quitter, but because I do not persevere. I give 100% of myself in many areas, but not when it comes to myself. Why? I don't know yet. I'm workin' on that one.
So, unlike prior attempts, I am not gonna go "gung ho!" and map out precise plans and tracks for myself (the virgo in me can get a bit carried away sometimes). Nah, I've been down that road and all paths lead to failure. This time, I am going to take it one day at a time, a few hours at a time if I must, and try to keep myself focused on *what matters*.
Instead of whining and complaining that I feel spiritually empty at times, I am gonna work on reading my Bible and going to church and bending my knees a little more often in prayer. But instead of just doing it when I feel inspired (ah yes, gotta love those "feel good" moments...how often has the pastor warned about those times?), I am going to try and focus on doing that which I OUGHT to do, DESPITE what I am feeling.
Same goes for food and exercise. Don't feel like salad or leftovers today? Tuff stuff. How many people in Africa would be *greatful* for even a tenth of what I am fortunate enough to eat in just ONE meal?!?! Don't feel like getting my dimpled butt off the couch to exercise? Give me a break! How many disabled or paralyzed individuals would gladly exchange places with my fat frumpy legs, if only to take just one last step?!
Yeah, I need a serious wake-up call. And you know what? I hear the alarm buzzing. Not gonna hit the snooze button this time. No siree.
Today, tomorrow, and the day after that, I am going to strive to be a little less selfish, require a little more of myself, and work myself hard. Life is short. I've wasted enough time wallowing in self-pity and living my life on the sidelines, always a spectator, never a participant--with food as my companion. UGH! God has given me a great gift with this wonderful body. I have destroyed its outer shell with stretch marks and scars and rolls of fat. BUT, I am going to show a little gratitude for once. Be thankful for the health I possess and the ability to move my arms and legs without pain. I am going to reclaim this fleshly temple in which my spirit dwells, so that I may serve Him to my fullest capacity.
Lord, help me to do this!!~
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