Friday, March 29, 2013
I used to have a routine about 4 years ago, that I guess was the most healthiest combo I could get for my needs. Somehow I sorta mutated it. As I have been actively managing my food through the Nutrition page, I realized - add 230 calories onto that for 4 years, IT ADDS up.
Sigh... Just changing to the Costco Croissant added 200 more calories each day.
Going back to one of three of my basics I developed when I was doing Weight Watchers Points.
1 mini bagel (or Thomas's thin bagel)
2 oz of Lox
2 tbs of Smoked cream cheese
I'm just going to have to reduce my snack fat since this breakfast puts me over by 10 grams for breakfast.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Drag out the books, the paper, my music, off to the craft room I go. I spent a good deal of my day in there -re-centering myself.
I started on my collage, gathered up the fortune cookie papers I have been keeping, pulled out the old stack of beautiful cards and started working on the Affirmation Deck, and the Acknowledgement deck. Plus the Good Dog Deck. I also pulled out the digital picture screen I bought two years back and started loading it up with the pics I have been downloading from sites with sayings, serene places, things that make me smile, and started loading that up.
And then music - tackled the hard drive, Itunes and started getting my new Ipod play lists together and importing more music into the library.
My food intake today was okay. Snack managed to burn my cheese on my 8 chips sigh...made my little chips/cheese/salsa snack not so tasty. Started entering into the recipe book more recipes.
Had 4 issues today of inability to stay away from work email. At least I didn't respond. I don't know really what it is I am looking for when I log in, but I know I wasn't finding it it, and just left again.
Only 1 call from work today - Neal, I took, he didn't remember I was on PTO.
Made a new necklace/bracelet/earring set which really looks awesome. I have another three ideas started, one that really is going to look amazing once it is finish. Will be putting them all up on Etsy on Monday
Just re-centering at least - I feel less stressed out tonight.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
I needed to take PTO; my head is becoming a mess at work, because of work, because of what I think at work, because of what happens at work. I myself was starting to feel like I am worthless, helpless, self loathing, feeling like people were out to get me, all my paranoid states where getting triggered and more so, I was starting loose confidence in myself so much that I was basically starting to sabotage myself. Then overlay with lack of life respect - Meetings 8am in the morning - meetings 10:30 - 11:30 pm at night, and splatter that across the week. Sometimes on the same day.
For several months now I have been feeling like the walls around me at work are closing in and sucking me under into a dark place. The constant sublime to overt level of hostility, political snark, people making decisions based on perceptions and not facts, and then facts being squelched because it doesn't fit someone's model of how strategy is formed, I just need to get away. I've been made a henchman in a process and because of that, the lack of ability to make everyone happy is making me miserable. I dread coming to work - because of the work. I like several folks in the company and have a few friends but nothing strongly keeping me here.
And this was the final straw, having to give up going to a conference for Women in Leadership because of someone else's schedule wasn't accommodating enough to allow some of us to attend.
I have sacrificed my health, stopping exercising even at work which really has put a toll on me and my ability to move, gained 30 lbs in the last year, medically I'm just a mess. And I need to be honest about that.
I have been having nightmares for months about things from work
I talk in my sleep about bugs and colors and customers all not positive happy things mind you. I've enough woken up to these discussions and realize this has got to stop
I continue to neglect my house, garden, doing the bare min with them - barely keeping up with my craft stuff. At least I value my husband enough to try to make at least two things happen, weekly date night and Saturday breakfast with the when we get a chance to - movie time.
I took a class recently that just snapped me into an unbelievable state of being, and it was amazing, each day, each week, yet I could barely make it through work even with those tools. So I am taking 6 days, and doing the exercises again. And this time I am going to just surround myself with this. I need to be authentic for myself, to myself, with myself. The good, the not so good and then the things I want to change.
Got off my ass and rescheduled the canceled three appointments - my mammogram, my colonoscopy and my laparoscopy for the growing cysts on my ovaries that are just going haywire. I also rescheduled the tests for my thyroid. I need to make an appointment to have the 6 broken teeth in my lower jaw removed. I still need to deal with the Sleep Apena, but figure once I can get some of these other things under control, we will revisit that.
Going to go and confront the issue about the pre-diabetic situation. I'm too overweight, and I knew that if I didn't manage my weight the problem I have had all my life of too much insulin will come back to bite me, and create a situation. I need to find a good Endo who will understand my dislike of pills, lectures and lack of compassion. I also re-started my SparksPage
I need to go pick up my glasses I ordered and paid for and have been sitting at the place for 3 months.
I started slowing working out. I have a very clear small steps to take but I am going to take them. I need to really put my schedule down and stick to it. But I needed to get away from work so I can do it...
We started journaling - documenting what I am eating, thinking, feeling. I really need to break out of this mental state and I know I have the tools and training and tenacity to do it.
So Rule #1136 of a relationship (and work is that)
No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.
And trust me, I know it is real. I felt it to my core during the exercises and outside the workshop, when I have my wits in full control.
Monday, September 17, 2012
I've hit 300 and swore I would never let myself get there...but somehow it has. I don't eat a lot of sweets, can't be because I eat a lot of process food, nope the reason is simple, I stopped working out and started sitting more and more. And it now has turned into a vicious cycle that I am breaking. I have no intention of trying to get to be something I am not. But I know that I loved me at 200 and looked great, took care of myself, worked out, walked 3 miles a day, and had enough energy to play volleyball with the group. So end of this. Walking we start again.
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