TAISIAKAT   10,973
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Momentary lapse of sanity and lack of positiveness and not keeping it bottled up

Saturday, September 20, 2014

I posted this on my facebook but I wanted to also post here.

----Move on ---- if you're not interested in venting {first} and re-thinking {breaking apart the issue}. I am not looking for cute antidotes, 'you're strong you can do it' responses, or sympathy.
I really dislike reading about non-valued, superficial, irrelevant and definitely in the grand scheme of things -not freaking important- issues that folks get so angry about. Sometimes I think there are people where that is the norm in their life.
There is so much in the world to really get up in a twist about that is far more important. So I try very very hard not to fall into that trap.
Right now I have to remind myself right - I am frustrated/angry about something insignificant in the way of the cosmos.
Yet, there it is...it is real. The feelings are there. Even if I tell myself - why am I getting upset over someone else being inconsiderate. But I am upset. And it isn't just minor. I am feeling seething inside. (For lots of things all of a sudden)
I don't know if it is just the straw that broke the camels back, the current financial situation, the overall feeling of why bother always being the one that reaches out to do something with someone or what, but the rawness of the pain, the uncomfortableness of it, like the kettle just wants to blow its top, but I am sitting on it, holding it back, feeding myself this line - It really isn't important, not in the grand scheme of things.
So - I wonder - What is important then in the grand scheme of things with - ME - Am I important in the grand scheme of things? Am I allowed to feel isolated, lonely, lost, frustrated because I am surrounded by people who passively interact with me at best?
All my life I have felt this, the -straggler, the last minute invite, the I call you up but never get calls back without some existing call in the pipe. Heck it isn't just the people I call friends. Out of sight out of mind is what it seems like. I'm just not important enough to rank anyone brain cells. And i'm clearly not important enough to spend time with in any compacity if I don't initiate the connection.
I'm just not important.
There I said it. I guess it always has been there, just sitting there, in some shape or state.
Am I important to myself? - Sometimes. Though I spend too much time helping others that I neglect myself a lot. I don't have a good sense of balance, and I try so very hard to organize my life -- for ME but I have a real hard time sticking to it, something pops up and I think I can help. Or I get to a state of mind where it just seems to be a waste of energy. (Like I spent 16 hours in the back of the house cutting back this wild but beautiful bush, only to have it overgrown in less than two months)
Can I go back into the bottle? Some days I rather be clueless and oblivious.
They say - Fake it until it is real, so when does it become real? When does the hollowness become solid?
I can't believe this is all tied up with being unemployed, on the literally last of our savings, and still nothing, not even a contract. I even started applying at places like Safeway and Macys, Joanns, in hopes to find something. I've started re-arranging my resume to fit different scenarios (Exec Admin, Filing Clerk, General Office), oh how the mighty have fallen. (There I go picking on my own self or is it?) I don't want to get to a point where we loose everything.
I have my husband to curl up against.
I have a roof over my head - but Vanderbilt doesn't refinance (and given it is a pre-fab home there are not many banks that carry the type of loan we have)
I have still a few months of basic foods supplies and money to get fresh veggies and fruit.
We're trying very hard not to use the credit cards for survival.
I am making ton of stock for the 4 fairs I am attending this Holiday season, and daily wonder if it is the right choice.
At least now I have let the boiling point fizzle out, taken the pity of the situation and thrown it out. Exposing myself, taking off the Armour, the shield, the fakery.
Yes, getting the stock for the Fairs is good. Especially if I keep to the plan, variety, not just high end items. Items that are high quality, but don't cost an arm and leg.
Yes, getting my resume cleaned up is actually a good thing. It is too many different styles, all trying to please some recruiter, and not show me off. Need to go back to how I think, how I want to represent myself, not what some run-of-the-mill book says to do, or some faceless, nameless recruiter who has no skin in the game says to do.
Yes, getting my focus back on smaller chunks, not trying to save the world in a week, but slow, methodical wins, setting steps up as goals, not setting goals that take too long to accomplish.
Yes, finding a purpose and a reason of value. Does X actually bring to the table anything or am I doing X because of some hidden fear I have of not being liked, or disliked or my commitment promises I tend to do?
Set up what is Important to me for me all over the house. It works when I have my visuals around. The reminders of importance that I have made for me.
Feed the good dog.

PS. Good does not mean wimp. Looking at this picture I realized something I had never considered. Good can fight, be determined, be strong, be forceful. I've had a different concept of GOOD in my head... The look this good wolf has - is pin point laser sharp focused - don't piss me off.

This picture is from the Native American Parable - Which wolf will you feed -

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TAISIAKAT 9/21/2014 4:30AM

    MT Moonchaser -I live in a complex, we're not allowed to have garage/yard sales. I tried to do a virtual one but nothing really came of it. emoticon

What I am working on is my stock for fairs and selling on line.

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MT-MOONCHASER 9/20/2014 11:58PM


Do you have enough stuff for a garage/yard sale? That could help some.

As for the resume, I usually kept mine pretty much the same and addressed the stated qualifications in a cover letter.

Good luck on the job hunt.


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Continuing the previous post - Anxiety and self esteem

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Between the depression (and my PTSD), I have the more than occasional anxiety attacks. I used to be on meds for it, but they made me feel like cotton and swimming in jello. Not a very good feeling.

I have a strange balance with my anxiety and self esteem which I've noticed recently as I try to get re-organized in my life. It is so much easier to fail and stop than it is to fail and move forward. It is so much easier to do nothing or make busy work, than it is to take care of one's self.

It is a real challenge to actually WANT to become focused, organized, even for someone who normally in the past was extremely organized and methodical.

Without a routine, I become anxious. Its like I start counting time in the weirdest way. I watch the clock, allocating x time to something, and find that I can't even stay with it because I start watching the clock and think I am not going to finish in time, and then - there it goes starts the anxiety, and then I start downward spinning out of control and by the time that 'allocated' time is up I haven't accomplished anything, and my self-esteem joins the spiral.

It is like that for everything now, and it makes me worried when I actually land a job again if I am going to be able to function in a structured space.


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LINTPICKER 8/30/2014 8:36AM

    hang in there. emoticon
It is always the easy way that is the most appealing to our flesh and the difficult ways that we fight against. We all know this all too well or we wouldn't be here on Spark!

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Depression - living with it

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

First, I am so sad to see such a fine, wonderful human being who lost his battle to Depression. Robin Williams will be missed. I know his movies, his comedy, his personal touch touch hundreds of thousands of individuals like myself. His most profound roles, When Dreams May Come, especially, left a huge mark in my life. Whatever personal demons Mr. Williams had to push him over that line, where he lost the battle, I do hope he is in a better place now.

I too suffer from depression. I was diagnosed early in life with mild depression, but as I grew older, and my life twisted itself around itself, I became more and more depressed, until one day, it just felt like nothing mattered anymore. I lost all hope, lost all will, lost everything and tried to take my life. The powers to be had other thoughts for me, and instead ended up in a very private hospital, finding out that I had PSTD, ADHD, some metabolically, hormonal, and chemistry issues as well. That was over 24 years ago.

First 10 years I was on a ton of different meds, but over time, with the right Drs, we have managed to stabilize the body's chemistry/metabolic issues. I work every day on my journal to deal with whatever pops up, and I am working on allowing myself to return to being authentic and stop living how others think I should.

So I know that horrible feeling. I know how each day it tries and tries and tries to find a crack to seep through, into, so it can do its damage.

I know that being overweight/obese gives yet another crack for that depression to try to worm its way into my life to create that suffocating wall of no hope. The only difference - is with my obesity, I don't suffer alone - not here. I have many different outlets, voices, friends, companions, comrades in arms who know that feeling and help each other, shore each other up. At least on the weight issue and its form of depression it can inflict.

I still have bad days. Not as harsh, not as heavy, and when I start feeling that way I turn to my art/crafting.

Here's an example of yesterday's card I made to deal with feeling like I wasn't going to find work. I learned a long time ago, utilizing art, really helps me and my soul.

I think I am going to make a Sympathy card for Mrs. Williams

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GRAYGRANNY 8/14/2014 3:36PM

    My heart goes out to you....I have been depressed at times but the love of my family and friends so far have brought me thru. Indeed if it can affect someone with passion for humor as it did Robin Williams then it can affect anyone...I urge ALL that feels depressed to seek help....my SIL took her own life just last year. Most of the sisters I heard would say," I can't believe she did that" For the love of God she stated it almost daily!!!!! Her DH stayed with her all the time but the day she seemed upbeat he just thought he would spend a couple of hours meeting with his retired group....that was her opportunity. The poor soul lived day by day in pain and I have thought at times when suffering on occasion what she must have gone thru every day. I miss her and wished I had been closer to her....Stay strong....you can talk openly here any time.(((((((HUGS))))
P.S. LOVELY cards!!

Comment edited on: 8/14/2014 3:36:59 PM

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TAISIAKAT 8/13/2014 1:30PM

    Thank you all emoticon emoticon emoticon

GINILEE4 - Yes I sell cards (Custom preferred) - https://www.etsy.com/shop/vampkitty
alacard / I also make jewelry --


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LINTPICKER 8/12/2014 10:18PM

    that is a beautiful card and personal sentiments. Thank you for sharing

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STEVEN2GO2 8/12/2014 8:37PM

    I think with the passing of Robin Williams hopefully people will become more aware of depression and other mental illnesses. I too have thankfully failed at a suicide attempt. It took years, in and out of hospitalizations, finding the best medications, a great Doctor and community support to reach a balance in my life right now.

emoticon for sharing your story!


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FORMYDARLINGS 8/12/2014 7:46PM


As one depression survivor to another {{{{HUGS }}}}}

The card you made is gorgeous. Do you sell them? It could make you some money while you look for work and give you a positive surge each time you make one. Whatever you do, be certain that other people see and get the pleasure from your talents.

Gini emoticon

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This week has been...interesting.

Friday, August 01, 2014

Beginning of the week I was prepping for my colonoscopy that happened on Wednesday. This meant clear liquid diet for two days before, and soft foods for two days before that. I had to stop taking my RA meds because they are a heavy duty Ibuprofen a week before the event (they are a blood thinner which is why). This meant by Saturday walking was a challenge, Sunday could only do a three blocks total without severe pain in my hips.

But from a food point of view, I learned some things that honestly I had never considered before.

1: Between 4-7 pm I get the munchies. I just want to chew on something...and I tended to go for salty things at that point, but because I couldn't eat anything solid on Monday, Popsicles became the chewing thing. (I hate gum so don't suggest it). Going forward I am popping popcorn and flavoring it if I get bored with the taste. This worked yesterday so well I wasn't even really hungry for dinner.

2: Jello DOES fill you up. And it is quite tasty even the sugar free ones. There are all kinds of things you can do to make it even more filling. Not just fruit, but veggies, grated carrots of course, but I found several veggy/meat jello side dishes I want to try.

3: I can eat less and still maintain a healthy blood sugar level without it dropping down too much.

4: Something I have been eating almost daily before causes bloating. I don't know what it is, because I am sorta switching around my intake still since I am supposed to have gentle food right now until my colon is back working 100% (3-5 days after the procedure). The bloating especially by the end of the day impacts my walking.

5: A pain I have had for almost 10 years on my right side which we thought was my ovaries and the cysts on my ovaries acting up, actually is my twisted colon (that was a bit of a surprise to find out during the procedure)

Now, one of the hard parts was trying to get enough exercise in three of those days. Couldn't walk. And even with the chair exercises, I need more steps. So I created an ingenious idea. Half my day right now is looking for work (on the computer) and I already get up every 30 minutes to walk around the house, stretch and such. Today I figured hey - I am sitting, I can march in place.... so I do 100 step spurts. We are at 500 so far for the day. I think I might be able to get to 2000 easily at least so that adds to my walking (and my hips don't hurt)

We will see how this goes.

Given I couldn't do much Monday-Tuesday, I made earrings (other than look for work) - Here's the latest set. I will be taking Etsy quality pictures tomorrow and posting them to the Etsy site by Monday. I really like this twisted glass beads. I have a few more colors to do, and then I run out of pairs with the twisted glass.

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SIRENNEA 8/2/2014 8:00PM

    I saw some really cool chair exercise videos today on YouTube for free! There is also a Chair Exercise Team here on Sparkpeople that is quite popular as well!


I looked up what Etsy is, I was curious! Cool site!

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LINTPICKER 8/2/2014 3:26PM

    You are wise to think of different ways to continue exercising. Glad the colonoscopy gave you some answers.

The earrings look great! You have been busy!!

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SPEEDY143 8/2/2014 12:50PM

    Glad you put your experience to work for you... we do learn if we pay attention and you get a emoticon for paying attention emoticon I forgot about all the Jello with cut up celery in it that we ate as kids... talk about crunchy emoticon

emoticon Linda

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HOTPINKCAMARO49 8/1/2014 6:01PM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TAISIAKAT 8/1/2014 5:54PM

    MT-Moonchaser - I can make them in clipons btw :) I have findings for non-pierced ears.

It isn't a bad twist, its just twisted enough where it can cause some discomfort and sometimes constipation. I think it happened after my hysterectomy.

Once I figure out what it is, I will make a decision about what to do. I am hoping it isn't veggies. I had bread yesterday and no bloating. Today I introduced fruit into the space, we'll see what happens. I don't drink much other than ice water, juices, tomato juice (which I haven't drank in a few days either).

Thank you for the luck on the job hunt front. I need all I can get.

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MT-MOONCHASER 8/1/2014 5:04PM

    Isn't it interesting to find out things that have been overlooked or forgotten that impact us on our journeys to better health?

When you figure out what does it, you will be able to avoid or restrict the bloat causing food/drink.

What can they do about the twisted colon? Did the colonoscopy instrument straighten it out or will you have to have further intervention?

Good thinking on the step spurts for exercise. Any way we can get it in is a good plan.

Those earrings look great. They almost make me want to get my ears pierced (you'll notice I said "almost").

I hope that you are faring better.

Good luck on the job search.


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Hot, tired, pained, frustrated

Monday, July 28, 2014

I had to stop taking my RA meds and Ibuprofen three days ago because I am going in for a Colonoscopy and can't take those until after the procedure on Wednesday. It makes walking a real PIA (literally and figuratively) I've gotten so tired of being in pain - it is a catch 22. I need to get the weight off my hips and stomach so I am not in so much pain and the joints being overloaded, yet walking which I need to do is just 10 minutes unbearable.

And I do enough sitting where Chair exercises sometimes feels like cheating but it doesn't hurt as bad at least. Tomorrow, Tuesday I do chair. Wed I have procedure. Hopefully I will be allowed to take Ibuprofen at least on Wednesday night.

More so, I have this pointed pain underside of my belly right above my hip area but clearly on the underside of the belly - very exact position. Rubbing it makes it go away. I mentioned it to my DR and he looked thinking it might be a hernia, but couldn't find anything.

i'm frustrated - yes 2 lbs a week - nice, and I look at the others who have lost weight without doing any surgery so I know it can be done. I see women older than me who are also loosing weight, successfully so - I know it can be done. I just want to start seeing some serious results. I just wish I would start feeling like I could do more exercises. WHEN do you get stamina?! Even doing chair exercises leaves me short of breath sometimes. Heck I can't even do range of motion without stopping 3 or 4 times.

Tonight's dinner was a flop. I used one of the Spark recipes for meatloaf, and I think I am going to decrease the water next time. Tasty but not a loaf...more like a mash. The baked fries on the silicon mat were dry. Need to do more research on how to use the silicon mat for baking without oil. I loved how the fish turned out the other night...very crispy. Can't wait to try it on the chicken, but the fries, dried out.

Made 10 more pairs of earrings for the store. Tomorrow taking pictures so I can post them. Want to get to 300 items up on the Etsy store by September for Christmas season.

All my adult life I have been big...last 20 years went from 245 to 345 and now at 302. I just want my energy and stamina back. Used to be able to walk 3 miles a day no problem at 245. (Walked to work from the Train station each day) - what happened...where did it go... sigh.

emoticon One of the new designs

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TAISIAKAT 7/28/2014 3:26PM

    Thank you Lintpicker. Yes, I need to celebrate the success of loosing even a pound a week. It is just sometimes I wish it wasn't so tough. emoticon emoticon

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LINTPICKER 7/28/2014 9:10AM

    nice design on the earrings!

It is a hard battle to lose weight, our body fights it constantly! The best thing you can do is just keep active (nothing wrong with enjoying the activity, and if chair exercise works do that!). Monitor your calories and be happy to lose a pound per week. I know this can be frustrating when we want to be thin yesterday, but live today. This will be a long battle but one that will be worth it. emoticon

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