Tuesday, August 12, 2014
First, I am so sad to see such a fine, wonderful human being who lost his battle to Depression. Robin Williams will be missed. I know his movies, his comedy, his personal touch touch hundreds of thousands of individuals like myself. His most profound roles, When Dreams May Come, especially, left a huge mark in my life. Whatever personal demons Mr. Williams had to push him over that line, where he lost the battle, I do hope he is in a better place now.
I too suffer from depression. I was diagnosed early in life with mild depression, but as I grew older, and my life twisted itself around itself, I became more and more depressed, until one day, it just felt like nothing mattered anymore. I lost all hope, lost all will, lost everything and tried to take my life. The powers to be had other thoughts for me, and instead ended up in a very private hospital, finding out that I had PSTD, ADHD, some metabolically, hormonal, and chemistry issues as well. That was over 24 years ago.
First 10 years I was on a ton of different meds, but over time, with the right Drs, we have managed to stabilize the body's chemistry/metabolic issues. I work every day on my journal to deal with whatever pops up, and I am working on allowing myself to return to being authentic and stop living how others think I should.
So I know that horrible feeling. I know how each day it tries and tries and tries to find a crack to seep through, into, so it can do its damage.
I know that being overweight/obese gives yet another crack for that depression to try to worm its way into my life to create that suffocating wall of no hope. The only difference - is with my obesity, I don't suffer alone - not here. I have many different outlets, voices, friends, companions, comrades in arms who know that feeling and help each other, shore each other up. At least on the weight issue and its form of depression it can inflict.
I still have bad days. Not as harsh, not as heavy, and when I start feeling that way I turn to my art/crafting.
Here's an example of yesterday's card I made to deal with feeling like I wasn't going to find work. I learned a long time ago, utilizing art, really helps me and my soul.
I think I am going to make a Sympathy card for Mrs. Williams
Friday, August 01, 2014
Beginning of the week I was prepping for my colonoscopy that happened on Wednesday. This meant clear liquid diet for two days before, and soft foods for two days before that. I had to stop taking my RA meds because they are a heavy duty Ibuprofen a week before the event (they are a blood thinner which is why). This meant by Saturday walking was a challenge, Sunday could only do a three blocks total without severe pain in my hips.
But from a food point of view, I learned some things that honestly I had never considered before.
1: Between 4-7 pm I get the munchies. I just want to chew on something...and I tended to go for salty things at that point, but because I couldn't eat anything solid on Monday, Popsicles became the chewing thing. (I hate gum so don't suggest it). Going forward I am popping popcorn and flavoring it if I get bored with the taste. This worked yesterday so well I wasn't even really hungry for dinner.
2: Jello DOES fill you up. And it is quite tasty even the sugar free ones. There are all kinds of things you can do to make it even more filling. Not just fruit, but veggies, grated carrots of course, but I found several veggy/meat jello side dishes I want to try.
3: I can eat less and still maintain a healthy blood sugar level without it dropping down too much.
4: Something I have been eating almost daily before causes bloating. I don't know what it is, because I am sorta switching around my intake still since I am supposed to have gentle food right now until my colon is back working 100% (3-5 days after the procedure). The bloating especially by the end of the day impacts my walking.
5: A pain I have had for almost 10 years on my right side which we thought was my ovaries and the cysts on my ovaries acting up, actually is my twisted colon (that was a bit of a surprise to find out during the procedure)
Now, one of the hard parts was trying to get enough exercise in three of those days. Couldn't walk. And even with the chair exercises, I need more steps. So I created an ingenious idea. Half my day right now is looking for work (on the computer) and I already get up every 30 minutes to walk around the house, stretch and such. Today I figured hey - I am sitting, I can march in place.... so I do 100 step spurts. We are at 500 so far for the day. I think I might be able to get to 2000 easily at least so that adds to my walking (and my hips don't hurt)
We will see how this goes.
Given I couldn't do much Monday-Tuesday, I made earrings (other than look for work) - Here's the latest set. I will be taking Etsy quality pictures tomorrow and posting them to the Etsy site by Monday. I really like this twisted glass beads. I have a few more colors to do, and then I run out of pairs with the twisted glass.
Monday, July 28, 2014
I had to stop taking my RA meds and Ibuprofen three days ago because I am going in for a Colonoscopy and can't take those until after the procedure on Wednesday. It makes walking a real PIA (literally and figuratively) I've gotten so tired of being in pain - it is a catch 22. I need to get the weight off my hips and stomach so I am not in so much pain and the joints being overloaded, yet walking which I need to do is just 10 minutes unbearable.
And I do enough sitting where Chair exercises sometimes feels like cheating but it doesn't hurt as bad at least. Tomorrow, Tuesday I do chair. Wed I have procedure. Hopefully I will be allowed to take Ibuprofen at least on Wednesday night.
More so, I have this pointed pain underside of my belly right above my hip area but clearly on the underside of the belly - very exact position. Rubbing it makes it go away. I mentioned it to my DR and he looked thinking it might be a hernia, but couldn't find anything.
i'm frustrated - yes 2 lbs a week - nice, and I look at the others who have lost weight without doing any surgery so I know it can be done. I see women older than me who are also loosing weight, successfully so - I know it can be done. I just want to start seeing some serious results. I just wish I would start feeling like I could do more exercises. WHEN do you get stamina?! Even doing chair exercises leaves me short of breath sometimes. Heck I can't even do range of motion without stopping 3 or 4 times.
Tonight's dinner was a flop. I used one of the Spark recipes for meatloaf, and I think I am going to decrease the water next time. Tasty but not a loaf...more like a mash. The baked fries on the silicon mat were dry. Need to do more research on how to use the silicon mat for baking without oil. I loved how the fish turned out the other night...very crispy. Can't wait to try it on the chicken, but the fries, dried out.
Made 10 more pairs of earrings for the store. Tomorrow taking pictures so I can post them. Want to get to 300 items up on the Etsy store by September for Christmas season.
All my adult life I have been big...last 20 years went from 245 to 345 and now at 302. I just want my energy and stamina back. Used to be able to walk 3 miles a day no problem at 245. (Walked to work from the Train station each day) - what happened...where did it go... sigh.
One of the new designs
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
I cut out Sparks people because I spent more than an hour on here updating, doing points etc, but funny thing was, I was loosing weight.
Cut the sparks updates out and tracking and poof, weight comes back. So back to tracking. I really want to get to 245 and 30 minutes a day in yoga. Decided to cut out one of the volunteer not benefiting me much activities. And I am going to structure my time a bit more organized. I am getting less and less done each day, which isn't helping with my self-esteem or my mental state.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Back from Colorado and the wedding. Lots of things happened, hit 290 :) Ya! Though now get back into a serious push on getting 2lbs a week so I can get to 260 by Januaryish. Lots of reasons to push harder on this. Lots of things to write up later.
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