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Depression - living with it

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

First, I am so sad to see such a fine, wonderful human being who lost his battle to Depression. Robin Williams will be missed. I know his movies, his comedy, his personal touch touch hundreds of thousands of individuals like myself. His most profound roles, When Dreams May Come, especially, left a huge mark in my life. Whatever personal demons Mr. Williams had to push him over that line, where he lost the battle, I do hope he is in a better place now.

I too suffer from depression. I was diagnosed early in life with mild depression, but as I grew older, and my life twisted itself around itself, I became more and more depressed, until one day, it just felt like nothing mattered anymore. I lost all hope, lost all will, lost everything and tried to take my life. The powers to be had other thoughts for me, and instead ended up in a very private hospital, finding out that I had PSTD, ADHD, some metabolically, hormonal, and chemistry issues as well. That was over 24 years ago.

First 10 years I was on a ton of different meds, but over time, with the right Drs, we have managed to stabilize the body's chemistry/metabolic issues. I work every day on my journal to deal with whatever pops up, and I am working on allowing myself to return to being authentic and stop living how others think I should.

So I know that horrible feeling. I know how each day it tries and tries and tries to find a crack to seep through, into, so it can do its damage.

I know that being overweight/obese gives yet another crack for that depression to try to worm its way into my life to create that suffocating wall of no hope. The only difference - is with my obesity, I don't suffer alone - not here. I have many different outlets, voices, friends, companions, comrades in arms who know that feeling and help each other, shore each other up. At least on the weight issue and its form of depression it can inflict.

I still have bad days. Not as harsh, not as heavy, and when I start feeling that way I turn to my art/crafting.

Here's an example of yesterday's card I made to deal with feeling like I wasn't going to find work. I learned a long time ago, utilizing art, really helps me and my soul.

I think I am going to make a Sympathy card for Mrs. Williams

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRAYGRANNY 8/14/2014 3:36PM

    My heart goes out to you....I have been depressed at times but the love of my family and friends so far have brought me thru. Indeed if it can affect someone with passion for humor as it did Robin Williams then it can affect anyone...I urge ALL that feels depressed to seek help....my SIL took her own life just last year. Most of the sisters I heard would say," I can't believe she did that" For the love of God she stated it almost daily!!!!! Her DH stayed with her all the time but the day she seemed upbeat he just thought he would spend a couple of hours meeting with his retired group....that was her opportunity. The poor soul lived day by day in pain and I have thought at times when suffering on occasion what she must have gone thru every day. I miss her and wished I had been closer to her....Stay strong....you can talk openly here any time.(((((((HUGS))))
P.S. LOVELY cards!!

Comment edited on: 8/14/2014 3:36:59 PM

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TAISIAKAT 8/13/2014 1:30PM

    Thank you all emoticon emoticon emoticon

GINILEE4 - Yes I sell cards (Custom preferred) - https://www.etsy.com/shop/vampkitty
alacard / I also make jewelry --


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LINTPICKER 8/12/2014 10:18PM

    that is a beautiful card and personal sentiments. Thank you for sharing

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STEVEN2GO2 8/12/2014 8:37PM

    I think with the passing of Robin Williams hopefully people will become more aware of depression and other mental illnesses. I too have thankfully failed at a suicide attempt. It took years, in and out of hospitalizations, finding the best medications, a great Doctor and community support to reach a balance in my life right now.

emoticon for sharing your story!


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GINILEE4 8/12/2014 7:46PM


As one depression survivor to another {{{{HUGS }}}}}

The card you made is gorgeous. Do you sell them? It could make you some money while you look for work and give you a positive surge each time you make one. Whatever you do, be certain that other people see and get the pleasure from your talents.

Gini emoticon

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This week has been...interesting.

Friday, August 01, 2014

Beginning of the week I was prepping for my colonoscopy that happened on Wednesday. This meant clear liquid diet for two days before, and soft foods for two days before that. I had to stop taking my RA meds because they are a heavy duty Ibuprofen a week before the event (they are a blood thinner which is why). This meant by Saturday walking was a challenge, Sunday could only do a three blocks total without severe pain in my hips.

But from a food point of view, I learned some things that honestly I had never considered before.

1: Between 4-7 pm I get the munchies. I just want to chew on something...and I tended to go for salty things at that point, but because I couldn't eat anything solid on Monday, Popsicles became the chewing thing. (I hate gum so don't suggest it). Going forward I am popping popcorn and flavoring it if I get bored with the taste. This worked yesterday so well I wasn't even really hungry for dinner.

2: Jello DOES fill you up. And it is quite tasty even the sugar free ones. There are all kinds of things you can do to make it even more filling. Not just fruit, but veggies, grated carrots of course, but I found several veggy/meat jello side dishes I want to try.

3: I can eat less and still maintain a healthy blood sugar level without it dropping down too much.

4: Something I have been eating almost daily before causes bloating. I don't know what it is, because I am sorta switching around my intake still since I am supposed to have gentle food right now until my colon is back working 100% (3-5 days after the procedure). The bloating especially by the end of the day impacts my walking.

5: A pain I have had for almost 10 years on my right side which we thought was my ovaries and the cysts on my ovaries acting up, actually is my twisted colon (that was a bit of a surprise to find out during the procedure)

Now, one of the hard parts was trying to get enough exercise in three of those days. Couldn't walk. And even with the chair exercises, I need more steps. So I created an ingenious idea. Half my day right now is looking for work (on the computer) and I already get up every 30 minutes to walk around the house, stretch and such. Today I figured hey - I am sitting, I can march in place.... so I do 100 step spurts. We are at 500 so far for the day. I think I might be able to get to 2000 easily at least so that adds to my walking (and my hips don't hurt)

We will see how this goes.

Given I couldn't do much Monday-Tuesday, I made earrings (other than look for work) - Here's the latest set. I will be taking Etsy quality pictures tomorrow and posting them to the Etsy site by Monday. I really like this twisted glass beads. I have a few more colors to do, and then I run out of pairs with the twisted glass.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIRENNEA 8/2/2014 8:00PM

    I saw some really cool chair exercise videos today on YouTube for free! There is also a Chair Exercise Team here on Sparkpeople that is quite popular as well!


I looked up what Etsy is, I was curious! Cool site!

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LINTPICKER 8/2/2014 3:26PM

    You are wise to think of different ways to continue exercising. Glad the colonoscopy gave you some answers.

The earrings look great! You have been busy!!

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SPEEDY143 8/2/2014 12:50PM

    Glad you put your experience to work for you... we do learn if we pay attention and you get a emoticon for paying attention emoticon I forgot about all the Jello with cut up celery in it that we ate as kids... talk about crunchy emoticon

emoticon Linda

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HOTPINKCAMARO49 8/1/2014 6:01PM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TAISIAKAT 8/1/2014 5:54PM

    MT-Moonchaser - I can make them in clipons btw :) I have findings for non-pierced ears.

It isn't a bad twist, its just twisted enough where it can cause some discomfort and sometimes constipation. I think it happened after my hysterectomy.

Once I figure out what it is, I will make a decision about what to do. I am hoping it isn't veggies. I had bread yesterday and no bloating. Today I introduced fruit into the space, we'll see what happens. I don't drink much other than ice water, juices, tomato juice (which I haven't drank in a few days either).

Thank you for the luck on the job hunt front. I need all I can get.

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MT-MOONCHASER 8/1/2014 5:04PM

    Isn't it interesting to find out things that have been overlooked or forgotten that impact us on our journeys to better health?

When you figure out what does it, you will be able to avoid or restrict the bloat causing food/drink.

What can they do about the twisted colon? Did the colonoscopy instrument straighten it out or will you have to have further intervention?

Good thinking on the step spurts for exercise. Any way we can get it in is a good plan.

Those earrings look great. They almost make me want to get my ears pierced (you'll notice I said "almost").

I hope that you are faring better.

Good luck on the job search.


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Hot, tired, pained, frustrated

Monday, July 28, 2014

I had to stop taking my RA meds and Ibuprofen three days ago because I am going in for a Colonoscopy and can't take those until after the procedure on Wednesday. It makes walking a real PIA (literally and figuratively) I've gotten so tired of being in pain - it is a catch 22. I need to get the weight off my hips and stomach so I am not in so much pain and the joints being overloaded, yet walking which I need to do is just 10 minutes unbearable.

And I do enough sitting where Chair exercises sometimes feels like cheating but it doesn't hurt as bad at least. Tomorrow, Tuesday I do chair. Wed I have procedure. Hopefully I will be allowed to take Ibuprofen at least on Wednesday night.

More so, I have this pointed pain underside of my belly right above my hip area but clearly on the underside of the belly - very exact position. Rubbing it makes it go away. I mentioned it to my DR and he looked thinking it might be a hernia, but couldn't find anything.

i'm frustrated - yes 2 lbs a week - nice, and I look at the others who have lost weight without doing any surgery so I know it can be done. I see women older than me who are also loosing weight, successfully so - I know it can be done. I just want to start seeing some serious results. I just wish I would start feeling like I could do more exercises. WHEN do you get stamina?! Even doing chair exercises leaves me short of breath sometimes. Heck I can't even do range of motion without stopping 3 or 4 times.

Tonight's dinner was a flop. I used one of the Spark recipes for meatloaf, and I think I am going to decrease the water next time. Tasty but not a loaf...more like a mash. The baked fries on the silicon mat were dry. Need to do more research on how to use the silicon mat for baking without oil. I loved how the fish turned out the other night...very crispy. Can't wait to try it on the chicken, but the fries, dried out.

Made 10 more pairs of earrings for the store. Tomorrow taking pictures so I can post them. Want to get to 300 items up on the Etsy store by September for Christmas season.

All my adult life I have been big...last 20 years went from 245 to 345 and now at 302. I just want my energy and stamina back. Used to be able to walk 3 miles a day no problem at 245. (Walked to work from the Train station each day) - what happened...where did it go... sigh.

emoticon One of the new designs

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TAISIAKAT 7/28/2014 3:26PM

    Thank you Lintpicker. Yes, I need to celebrate the success of loosing even a pound a week. It is just sometimes I wish it wasn't so tough. emoticon emoticon

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LINTPICKER 7/28/2014 9:10AM

    nice design on the earrings!

It is a hard battle to lose weight, our body fights it constantly! The best thing you can do is just keep active (nothing wrong with enjoying the activity, and if chair exercise works do that!). Monitor your calories and be happy to lose a pound per week. I know this can be frustrating when we want to be thin yesterday, but live today. This will be a long battle but one that will be worth it. emoticon

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I cut out the wrong time sink...

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

I cut out Sparks people because I spent more than an hour on here updating, doing points etc, but funny thing was, I was loosing weight.

Cut the sparks updates out and tracking and poof, weight comes back. So back to tracking. I really want to get to 245 and 30 minutes a day in yoga. Decided to cut out one of the volunteer not benefiting me much activities. And I am going to structure my time a bit more organized. I am getting less and less done each day, which isn't helping with my self-esteem or my mental state.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TAISIAKAT 7/17/2014 3:24PM

    Thanks everyone -- MISSLORI5 - my problem is I have several activities that take time on the computer and was literally overcomitted. Working on finding a balance. emoticon

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SPEEDY143 7/17/2014 12:08PM

    emoticon emoticon works... glad you are focusing on what works for YOU. We all have different needs but tracking seems to be one that works for everyone. I'm here to stay emoticon

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LINTPICKER 7/17/2014 7:55AM

    You are wise to assess the time spent and you see the value of tracking food and exercise. That is why I still remain on spark! A small motivation is better than none at all!

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MISSLORI5 7/16/2014 4:13PM

    Can you work on your computer in smaller amounts of time? I know how it feels to give so much time to sitting and then not accomplishing much, I've done it for years. I have found that dividing my time between movement and sitting helps considerably. A very wise boss I once had in an office job told me the doc had told him that sitting no longer than 45 before getting up and doing something is best for your back and body, too!! I hope you find your routine so you can keep SP-we need it to help us in so many ways!!! emoticon

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SENTERSTOCK 7/16/2014 10:36AM

    Oh you are so right! I had the same kinda thoughts!

others Fitness Club, co-lead

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GRAYGRANNY 7/15/2014 6:14PM

    I too spend way too much time @ my computer and need to move this body MORE!! Let's do this!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ALICE_TENNIS 7/15/2014 3:38PM

    We each have to find out what works. Hope you have wisdom & courage this week to find your success!

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JTREMBATH 7/15/2014 3:32PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CAROL494 7/15/2014 3:26PM

  emoticon emoticon

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Quick stop

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Back from Colorado and the wedding. Lots of things happened, hit 290 :) Ya! Though now get back into a serious push on getting 2lbs a week so I can get to 260 by Januaryish. Lots of reasons to push harder on this. Lots of things to write up later.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRANDMABABA 11/20/2013 6:30PM

    Much success to you!

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SENTERSTOCK 11/14/2013 8:25PM

    Awesome News!! Way to go!

Senterstock ~ Grandmother's Fitness Club, co-leader

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