TAIMOIRAI   10,140
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Eating and the Fat Girl

Thursday, September 18, 2014

First, I want to thank everyone for their kind words. It's been weird being back here with very little to show for it, but I'm trying hard to keep shame from making me slink away again.

The biggest thing, I guess, is that in the space of time from the last time I was a member here and now is that I am incredibly active. I know. Hard to believe that I can be 230lbs, but still burn around 500 calories a day. Not having a car will do that to you. I'm glad I walk around four miles a day. Really. Even if my feet hurt a lot of the time.

I guess what has bothered me the most about it is that no matter how much I have moved my weight has stayed the same. It's remarkably frustrating to know that during any given week I'm walking around twenty miles and yet... nothing.

What never occurred to me is that maybe, just maybe, I'm not eating enough. The last couple of days have been a bit of an eating fluke. My husband has been running errands near my office around lunch both days which has lead to us eating out. We don't do that often. This made me go track what I'd normally be eating tomorrow (and what is on the meal plan for the day) just to see where we are.

Even with a snack (which I tend to have while I do homework) I am only at 1266 calories. Subtract the low estimate of 400 calories burned from my walking commute tomorrow and that puts me at a very low 866 calories.


No wonder I'm tired all the time. I might throw some ice cream in there too, but I'm still waaaay too low. I guess it's a good thing I came back. If for no other reason than I can eat enough to get my metabolism going again. No more being a starving fat girl.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANEPANALIPTI 9/19/2014 7:33AM

    YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA for tweaking and figuring this stuff out!

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RONNIEHUEY 9/18/2014 8:49PM

    Good luck! You need to up the calories load.You can do it!

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I'm Tired of Apologizing

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I was all set to write something uplifting and awesome for my first blog back on Spark, but then life happened. One of the projects I do at work, that makes up about half of my hours mind you, was suddenly cancelled out of nowhere and no one thought to tell me until I started asking about it today. I'm angry. I'm panicked about money. I'm all sorts of things and the first thing I did was run to the chocolate.

I'm sure this a story many people know well. Bad thing A happens. Emotions B through W happen. Food is liberally applied until you're no longer worried about thing A because you feel guilty and gross.

I'm just done. Let's get real, ya'll. Life happens. My gut reaction is going to always be to go for candy or ice cream. That's how I've been dealing with all sorts of terrible things since I was eight or so. No one should be surprised, least of all me, that I am going to seek food for comfort automatically. I know it isn't healthy. I know it's not the right thing to do. What's worse? My first thought was "god, I can't track all those reese's on Spark. What will people think?"

Screw that. Seriously. If I'm going to do this I'm going to do it with honesty and integrity.

I'm back because I need to get on track with my eating, especially with winter fast approaching. I can list all the reasons why I want to do this, why I need to do this, but at the root they don't matter. What matters is that I'm here and that I'm not going to sugar coat any bit of this. Some days are going to suck. Some days I'm going to do zumba and eat all my veggies and feel like a thousand bucks. At least I can promise is that when you're here you're getting the real me. Deal? Deal.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANEPANALIPTI 9/19/2014 7:32AM

    I love this first blog back. I am going to join you on this darling. !!!!

Lets track those f*cking reese's cups together, because every single thing we ingest that we wouldn't want other people to see or know has significance and meanin for us, dare I say, its special SOMEHOW because someTIME it was our lifesupport so i think its actual importance needs to be recognized the depth to be able to move on... but now im babbling...

gonna go make sure my trackers are public!


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ALOOGOBI 9/18/2014 3:02PM

    It sounds like you have a handle on what you need to do and a realistic outlook on how hard it can be at times, so you should have great success in your venture. Stick to your plan and you will succeed. It's hard to change the emotional eating behaviors we have developed over the years, but it absolutely can be done. I wish you all the best luck on your journey! emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/18/2014 3:02:20 PM

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GEMINICHIK 9/17/2014 7:56PM

    I can 100% relate!Keep focused & stay positive - best of luck!

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LIFENPROGRESS 9/17/2014 12:27PM

    "Always Do Your Best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret."
~ Miguel Angel Ruiz ~

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JIBBIE49 9/17/2014 1:45AM

    emoticon I'm so thrilled you have a job, since I read blog after blog after blog by Sparkers saying "Oh, I lost my job" or "Oh, I haven't worked in months because I can't find a job." Wonderful that you have a JOB. Means you will be getting a paycheck. I've been a Sparker for 7 years next month so I've read hundreds of blogs.
What can I say about "running to the chocolate." No different than the person who has to leave work and run to the bar for a few shots of whiskey, just the "drug of chose" to deal with the issue. Chocolate and the sugar in it acts just like cocaine, so says Robert Lustig M.D. Do watch the documentary "FED UP". Or his documentary on YouTube "Sugar: the Bitter truth." To relieve stress, I'd stay to try Yoga. Rodney Yee has wonderful DVDs and clips on YouTube.
Love yourself.

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DWROBERGE 9/17/2014 12:38AM

    emoticon Keep focused for success.

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