TAIMOIRAI   11,004
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Admonitions and Praise

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Some days it's easier to eat enough calories than others. Yesterday I was in *a mood.* I'd spent a chunk of my day fighting with the computer (I use a Mac and have had to bootcamp Windows for some silly entry level classes I'm taking). It finally works, and for the things that are bugging me I'm finding ways to work around it, but after all of that all I wanted was a meatball sub. This isn't a problem. I usually have half of it and eat the other half for lunch the next day. The problem came when I decided I had to have friench fries or I was going to die.

Before anyone tells me that moderation is key and this isn't a diet it's a lifestyle change, I have to clarify why this is so awful. I am allergic to potatoes. Throat itching, chest tightening, migraine inducing potatoes. This is something new that's popped up in the last six months and has been SO HARD for me to deal with. I love potatoes. I love them in all their forms.

We've tried so many different ways to see if I can have them. Last night I got it into my head that maybe I would be okay if I had Benadryl before and after dinner. It was for Science, I told myself. I then ate myself silly on curly fries. Either because of the potatoes or Benadryl, I passed out by 7:30 and had to drag myself out of bed at 7 am to get ready for work. I also ate the whole sandwich. Not one of my better days.

Today, however, was typical for me. I had just enough time to get ready and throw together a salad for lunch. (I usually make my lunch the night before, but well... potato fugue) There was no time for breakfast, so there were breakfast cookies. Those BelVita things were a coupon buy, but they've come to be a pantry staple for me. I figure as long as they're in the cabinet I'll manage breakfast. I can do better, but some days are harder than others.

I'm babbling. Long story short, I get around to dinner and I need to eat so many calories to hit even my baseline that I don't know how I'll do it. Even after adding bread and butter and a coke to dinner I'm still hovering above what I need.

The solution is real breakfast. If that means I have to get up even earlier to make sure I get some serious fuel in the morning that's what I'll do.

I have to say I'm kind of amused. For years I've cut calories and found it so hard. Then I move across the country and find I have to add calories and it's just as hard. It's kind of hilarious.


Eating and the Fat Girl

Thursday, September 18, 2014

First, I want to thank everyone for their kind words. It's been weird being back here with very little to show for it, but I'm trying hard to keep shame from making me slink away again.

The biggest thing, I guess, is that in the space of time from the last time I was a member here and now is that I am incredibly active. I know. Hard to believe that I can be 230lbs, but still burn around 500 calories a day. Not having a car will do that to you. I'm glad I walk around four miles a day. Really. Even if my feet hurt a lot of the time.

I guess what has bothered me the most about it is that no matter how much I have moved my weight has stayed the same. It's remarkably frustrating to know that during any given week I'm walking around twenty miles and yet... nothing.

What never occurred to me is that maybe, just maybe, I'm not eating enough. The last couple of days have been a bit of an eating fluke. My husband has been running errands near my office around lunch both days which has lead to us eating out. We don't do that often. This made me go track what I'd normally be eating tomorrow (and what is on the meal plan for the day) just to see where we are.

Even with a snack (which I tend to have while I do homework) I am only at 1266 calories. Subtract the low estimate of 400 calories burned from my walking commute tomorrow and that puts me at a very low 866 calories.


No wonder I'm tired all the time. I might throw some ice cream in there too, but I'm still waaaay too low. I guess it's a good thing I came back. If for no other reason than I can eat enough to get my metabolism going again. No more being a starving fat girl.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANEPANALIPTI 9/19/2014 7:33AM

    YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA for tweaking and figuring this stuff out!

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RONNIEHUEY 9/18/2014 8:49PM

    Good luck! You need to up the calories load.You can do it!

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I'm Tired of Apologizing

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I was all set to write something uplifting and awesome for my first blog back on Spark, but then life happened. One of the projects I do at work, that makes up about half of my hours mind you, was suddenly cancelled out of nowhere and no one thought to tell me until I started asking about it today. I'm angry. I'm panicked about money. I'm all sorts of things and the first thing I did was run to the chocolate.

I'm sure this a story many people know well. Bad thing A happens. Emotions B through W happen. Food is liberally applied until you're no longer worried about thing A because you feel guilty and gross.

I'm just done. Let's get real, ya'll. Life happens. My gut reaction is going to always be to go for candy or ice cream. That's how I've been dealing with all sorts of terrible things since I was eight or so. No one should be surprised, least of all me, that I am going to seek food for comfort automatically. I know it isn't healthy. I know it's not the right thing to do. What's worse? My first thought was "god, I can't track all those reese's on Spark. What will people think?"

Screw that. Seriously. If I'm going to do this I'm going to do it with honesty and integrity.

I'm back because I need to get on track with my eating, especially with winter fast approaching. I can list all the reasons why I want to do this, why I need to do this, but at the root they don't matter. What matters is that I'm here and that I'm not going to sugar coat any bit of this. Some days are going to suck. Some days I'm going to do zumba and eat all my veggies and feel like a thousand bucks. At least I can promise is that when you're here you're getting the real me. Deal? Deal.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANEPANALIPTI 9/19/2014 7:32AM

    I love this first blog back. I am going to join you on this darling. !!!!

Lets track those f*cking reese's cups together, because every single thing we ingest that we wouldn't want other people to see or know has significance and meanin for us, dare I say, its special SOMEHOW because someTIME it was our lifesupport so i think its actual importance needs to be recognized the depth to be able to move on... but now im babbling...

gonna go make sure my trackers are public!


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ALOOGOBI 9/18/2014 3:02PM

    It sounds like you have a handle on what you need to do and a realistic outlook on how hard it can be at times, so you should have great success in your venture. Stick to your plan and you will succeed. It's hard to change the emotional eating behaviors we have developed over the years, but it absolutely can be done. I wish you all the best luck on your journey! emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/18/2014 3:02:20 PM

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GEMINICHIK 9/17/2014 7:56PM

    I can 100% relate!Keep focused & stay positive - best of luck!

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LIFENPROGRESS 9/17/2014 12:27PM

    "Always Do Your Best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret."
~ Miguel Angel Ruiz ~

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JIBBIE49 9/17/2014 1:45AM

    emoticon I'm so thrilled you have a job, since I read blog after blog after blog by Sparkers saying "Oh, I lost my job" or "Oh, I haven't worked in months because I can't find a job." Wonderful that you have a JOB. Means you will be getting a paycheck. I've been a Sparker for 7 years next month so I've read hundreds of blogs.
What can I say about "running to the chocolate." No different than the person who has to leave work and run to the bar for a few shots of whiskey, just the "drug of chose" to deal with the issue. Chocolate and the sugar in it acts just like cocaine, so says Robert Lustig M.D. Do watch the documentary "FED UP". Or his documentary on YouTube "Sugar: the Bitter truth." To relieve stress, I'd stay to try Yoga. Rodney Yee has wonderful DVDs and clips on YouTube.
Love yourself.

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DWROBERGE 9/17/2014 12:38AM

    emoticon Keep focused for success.

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