Wednesday, March 05, 2014
2014 is really kicking my butt, folks. From injuring my knee to traveling constantly for work from managing my relationships, I really feel overwhelmed and swamped and, to be a honest, a failure. I feel like a failure because I've gained about 20 pounds since Nov/Dec.
That is kinda why I've not been so active on SparkPeople (the other reason being my crazy life right now). I have been voted a motivator, I've had loads of people like my blog posts, and I've had tons of friend requests and emails, asking my secrets. To come on here and say, "I've messed up and gained weight" feels like I've been lying to everyone all this time.
And then I headed to my At Goal and Maintaining team and found these articles:
Wow, what a comfort to my soul!! I am not a failure! I *have* kept off about 90 pounds, which is still good! And maintenance isn't a simple "I win the weight loss game!" statement. It's long and arduous - but very worth it.
Baring my soul today has been really tough, but I needed to be honest with you guys. Thank you for giving that to me, for always being a support when I need it. And while I am trying not to let you down, I'm also trying not to let myself down too! :)
Monday, February 24, 2014
Today marks the first day without a hinged knee brace! YIPPPPEEEEEE!! After wearing it for over a month, I can finally start getting back to my normal life - and start shedding those pounds I've put on!
I know that I can't 100% blame my inactivity for my weight gain, but I know that being more active and exercising will motivate me to eat better. Because what really has packed on the pounds is more a combination: not being able to do the things I love (Zumba and running) along with being bored/lonely/stressed along with too much time to sit around and eat.
I hope this doesn't come across as vain or anything, but you know what's been strangely motivational? Rereading the blog posts I read earlier in my weight loss! I know, weird, eh? But reading that bubbly encouragement has made me want to gird myself and get back into the swing of things.
But I've been slowly adding more of my fun activities. On Friday, I got to attend Zumba again! I had to modify some of the moves to accommodate the knee (the Friday before I also attended and my knee ACHED afterwards), but it was SO MUCH FUN to Zumba my heart out! Also, last week, I went to 3 spin classes, so that made me feel AWESOME.
This week promises the same. I want to do Spin again on Tues, Thurs, and Sat, maybe try to run (for the first time in over 2 months!) on Wed, and then Zumba on Fri.
As for the food situation - I'm strangely optimistic. I found a couple of recipes in earlier blogs that have made me go, "Oh, yes, I forgot I could bake something tasty and yummy and healthy!" And then I have a friend who is constantly posting the most amazing Vegan recipes to her feed.
So while I'm a good piece heavier than I would like to be, while my pants may be snug, I refuse to let these things hold me back. What is most important is my health; and while I may have tripped on a couple of steps, I will NOT throw myself down the stairs.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Last week, I felt pretty down and, well, miserable. My work was stressing me out, I was eager to get back on my knee and do my usual things, I was mad about my eating habits - just everything was all on top of me, weighing me down.
And then I come on and read your wonderful comments! Wow, guys, you are awesome!!
The hardest thing is to admit that hey, you aren't always upbeat and happy, that you aren't always doing the right thing, that you need a little help from your friends. Putting that blog post out there was HARD. It was HARD to write, "Hey, I don't feel so great" - partially because I didn't want to admit it and partially because you never know how others will react.
Well, you guys are amazing! All those words of comfort, those virtual pats on the back and hugs. I feel so warm and fuzzy inside!! I feel like I can conquer the world.
So...thank you. Thank you for being there, helping to cheer me through.
Since I last posted, work has still been crazy. I also had the added stress of being snowed into my apartment for nearly three days. I couldn't drive to the gym, though I did try to walk every day out in the snow (and not fall on my rear!!). I also tried hard NOT to eat, from boredom, from anxiety (I had a flight on Sunday and wasn't sure if I would be able to unbury myself from my apartment complex!), from stress.
This week got off to a good start. Although it was 10pm, I hopped onto the elliptical for a quick 20min workout. Nothing big, but just something to burn off some steam. Then yesterday, I had a bagel and fruit for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and a chicken Greek salad for dinner - along with going to spin class.
Today looks equally good: I am just getting ready to head out to spin class again. And then a nice soak in the tub for some "me time" (and to loosen up the knee) followed by a dinner of hummus (I love hummus). I haven't had a chance to weigh myself since last week, but it really doesn't matter - my body is feeling a lot better, a lot less heavy with all the stress and yucky from the not-so-good food choices.
Thanks again, my wonderful SparkFriends!!! You make this journey so great - I love you all :)
Wednesday, February 05, 2014
I have not been happy with myself these last few weeks.
This is not an easy thing for me to say for a lot of reasons. I want Maintenance to succeed. I don't want to fail. I also don't like to fill this space with lots of negative thoughts. I like to think of myself as a happy person; I don't post a bunch of negative thoughts on Facebook, I don't like to do so here.
But I also don't want to lie and make it sound like everything is roses and sunshine.
So this morning I weighed myself and was 174 pounds. As much as I tell myself that the scale doesn't matter (and, really, it doesn't - it's our stupid society that says that the number on the scale is the Most Important Thing Ever), I can't get over the fact that those numbers don't make me happy. It doesn't make me happy that I eat more than I should, make bad food choices, don't drink enough water, and have been lax with exercise. It doesn't make me happy that my work has been crazy, with my traveling nearly every other week. It doesn't make me happy that I have people who want me to talk about my frustrations when I'm just not ready to talk about them yet.
But you know, I know exactly why that number is so high. It's no surprise; I didn't just wake up one day and go, "OMG, how did I gain all this weight?!" No, I know how it happened.
I've been supremely stressed lately. I've been traveling a lot. I've wanted comfort food and drink because I'm not at home. I've stopped listening to my body saying, "I've had enough". I've not exercised as much because I can't run and I'm not exactly a fan of cycling (though now that I've discovered I can do spin again, I *AM* excited about that).
I know what the problem is. I know why I've gained. And I know what I can do to solve it.
It isn't to chastise myself and make myself feel bad.
It isn't to try to get rid of everything bad in my diet, make a mistake at one point and then binge the rest of the day.
It isn't to spend 8 hours in the gym desperate to lose those pounds.
And it most certainly isn't to throw my hands up in despair and regain all that weight. (Oh, God no. No no NO!)
Instead, I'm doing this:
+ Acknowledging my feelings. I'm stressed. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm bored. I feel smothered. I feel unheard. I feel depressed. There. I said it. A part of me didn't want to say that, but I did. Now I don't need to have an appetizer or extra dessert, using carbs to feed my feelings.
+ Listening to my body. I've gotten out of touch to listening when I am hungry and when I am not, and what exactly my body really wants to eat.
+ Water, sleep and exercise. Yup, I'm not getting enough of any of these. I went from 64oz to who knows how much, from 7.5 hours (my sweet spot) to whatever I get, from several 45+ min sessions at the gym to a couple of 40min cycling sessions a week. My body LOVES exercise; and while my knee keeps me from running, I can do other forms (including Spin, which I love). Also, this is a GREAT way to burn off steam and get out all those yucky emotional feelings.
+ And, of course, food. Eating regularly, making good food choices, and watching portions - all are things I can bring back to my routine.
I lost my 100+ pounds on MediFast; this time, I want to prove to myself I can lose weight without resorting to eating prepackaged foods exclusively. I am out of my funk and ready to get back into shape.
I have a Shamrock Run on March 16th, and I want to be ready!!
Friday, January 24, 2014
Shout out to my wonderful SparkFriend, 4A-HEALTHY-BMI, who recommended this book to me!
So I twisted my knee a few days before Christmas ice skating. While I 100% don't regret the ice skating that caused this injury, I am VERY anxious to get back into my usual workout routine. I have been doing an OK job of bike riding (around 2 - 3 times a week), but it's nothing like my previous routine.
As part of my healing progress (besides, of course, listening to my doctor's advice to wear my hinged knee brace and cycle), I've been reading "Heal Your Knees" for tips and tricks on how to get "back on my feet" again.
One of the things I've liked a lot about the book is how in depth it goes into the mechanics and biology of the knee. The knee is a complicated joint, really - lots of tendons, ligaments, muscles, cartilage, etc. - so it's nice to have a book point out the bits and pieces. If you have knee problems and haven't had a doctor diagnose what is wrong, it's a good place to kinda problem-solve yourself too.
NOTE: I still personally would recommend seeing a doctor about knee pain. Self-diagnosis is great and all, but a doctor can provide more experienced feedback.
As it went on to talk about all the things you can do to help your knee, it brought up exercise and your weight. Exercise seems like something you should avoid when your knee hurts, but actually it's a good thing to keep everything moving and well-lubricated.
NOTE: Again, this is dependent on what is wrong with your knee; a doctor would be better at analyzing what kind of exercise is OK and what should be avoided. The book, however, does a good rule of thumb: if it hurts, limit range of motion or omit exercise. If it hurts for 24 hours afterwards, stop.
For myself, exercising is critical to building back up the muscle. Yes, I've already lost muscle in that calf and leg. You can put the right and left legs next to each other and see the difference.
The other part is weight. Carrying extra weight means more burden on your knees, and since your knees experience approx 3X your weight when you walk, it all adds up!
What with the holidays, being unable to exercise, I've gained weight. (Also having a more accurate scale shows I'm heavier, which I'm not sure whether to attribute to gaining or just having an accurate scale finally.) It's only 10 pounds, but if you use the equation above, that means my knees are experiencing 30 pounds of force.
A part of me is beating myself up for the weight gain. I should know better; I shouldn't be doing this. I'm "a failure" and falling back into bad habits. If I'm not exercising as much, I shouldn't eat as much.
But the other side of me is like this: I've gained weight. It HAPPENS. I shouldn't really freak out - I know EXACTLY why I've gained. And I'm not just going to sit back on my rear and fret about it, all the while allowing my weight to spiral out of control.
I may have lost the weight, but I am and always will be a food addict. I will ALWAYS have to really keep a watch on what and how much I eat. I can't just be lax and let anything pass my lips. At the same time, I can't beat myself for every single mistake I make. I can't tear down my resolve just over 10 pounds. The fact is, I lost over 100 pounds. That is NOT a small achievement! Gaining 10 pounds, while not ideal, should NEVER negate the over 100 I lost.
So I have stumbled, but I am undefeated. I have "lost a battle", but I haven't lost the war. I want to make Maintenance work, which it will with determination and the realization of what are my strengths and weaknesses. I'm not perfect, but I most certainly am NOT a failure!
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