Sunday, May 13, 2012
Well, after a year, I am back.
It makes me sad, really... I'm back because I'm right back up to the same weight I was a year ago when I hit my all time high. In the past year, I managed to lose 12 lbs, going up and down. And now I'm back up and right where I used to be, and I hate it. I feel huge and uncomfortable in my own skin.
The thing is, the worst part is that I feel like everyone can see that I've gained weight. It's like it's plastered on my forehead, and it makes me embarrassed to go out and see people. Now that I'm back home from my second year of college, I want people to see me for how I am inside and what I've accomplished this year; instead, I feel like they'll just see my weight, and that'll be enough to make it seem like I'm not in control.
I want to be motivated to get back into SparkPeople and on track to lose this weight, but right now I'm not motivated. I'm just not. I'm frustrated. And upset. And I know it's silly, and I know I need to get a grip...
I don't know how to do this anymore, though. I can't stay on track, and on days when I think I've been doing well, I end up weighing myself later and seeing that I've either gained or stayed the same.
I'm just lacking motivation. I think maybe I could do this if I was motivated... but I don't know how to re-inspire myself. Maybe I'll just force myself and the motivation will come... all I know is that I'm so tired of being ashamed of myself. so, so tired... I almost don't think it'll ever end.
Monday, April 04, 2011
I've completely fallen off the wagon...
I've lost all momentum.
This is the second day in a row that I went on an emotional-inspired binge fest... and that's after a weekend of not tracking my calories very carefully and not working out much due to being out of town...
ahh I don't know what to do! I just don't want to start back up again even though I know I need to... I just hated not seeing results fast enough, and it's sooo hard to keep up with this in college. I'm always busy and tired and stressed, and I live with junk food addicts... and I don't know what to do...
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I binged today. Badly. I have an emotional eating problem... It had been over a week since i last binged... today it just happened suddenly. I was filling a mix of emotions, and I was just craving food so badly... and on top of that, I was getting sick of eating healthy... so I caved, and without think I ended up eating half a bag of the smart pop popcorn, a ton of almonds, some peanut butter, a TON of cereal (my main weakness), and a box of yogurt covered raisins...
needless to say, I feel terrible... and the thing is, I didn't realize exactly how much I ate.. but now I feel just miserable, so I'm writing this down to make sure I remember that I never want to get this way again. THis is the first time in over a week that I've eaten anything processed... I haven't eaten simple carbs in ages, nor have i eaten anything with sugar...
I don't like this. I want to get back on track. I LIKED being healthy, but I don't know how to do it... I don't know how to quit this emotional eating habit. it feels hopeless...
THe picture above is what gave me a reality check. Just seeing how high those arrows shot up... and realizing how many calories I actually ate just by one 20 minute binge... not worth it... not worth it at all... I have to make sure I remember that this binge hasnt ruined anything. It may have set me back a day, but what's one day out of all the days I will get to enjoy once I'm at the weight I want to be at?
Monday, March 28, 2011
I suddenly just want to quit this. I dont get it.. I've been so motivated. I was so great last week, and I guess in the past few days I've just gotten worse and worse.. I mean, I didnt go crazy. I still ate within my calorie range, just on the higher end of it... except for today, when I definitely went over. and that's making me feel terrible because I always tried not to go above the middle ground of my range...
And I didn't work out hard today even though I went to an aerobics class.. it was just a weak workout... and all of that combined is just making me lose focus..
my roommates arent helping... they eat everything they want... and it's not even fair, especially since social activities often revolve around eating. like, I skipped hanging out with my friend today because I had to go workout.... and I'm tired of getting large salads when my friends get sandwiches or pizza and giant bowls of ice cream. And I especially want to snack on cereal and m&ms at night, but I cant and it sucks...
This always happens, though.. I'm doing so great, and then I start thinking to myself, 'I'm fine the way I am. why do I need to do this? I'm tired of it. it's not worth it." happens every time... but I DO need to do this! I don't believe myself when I type that right now, but I know i've been wanting to lose weight for as long as I can remember.. and I'm finally doing it.. and it's slow and annoying and I'm tired of it.. but I need to do it..
none of that is registering, though... I feel like giving up... ugh how do I change this?
Is my whole thing ruined now that I've gone way over my limit for a day?
Saturday, March 26, 2011
I admit it. I've done it.
But LOOK at how adorable this mini individual-size smoothie maker is! how can you not resist that?? and it's also the most useful things I've bought in a longgg time. It is absolutely perfect for breakfast. I just make my smoothies at night, put them in my fridge, and then take them with me to class the next morning! And it's so much fun to make different smoothie recipes and experiment with healthy ingredients. buy it buy it buy it buy it (got it from Target.. $15!)
okay I'm done.
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