Friday, March 18, 2011
Each day has 24 hours - right? Could I bargain for a few more? It seems I never have enough time to get in everything that I need to get done, most importantly, taking care of myself. Lately, I have focused on just a small amount of issues, so as not to get overwhelmed and quit, which is my habit. I have:
1. Tried to get to sleep by 11 PM
2. Taken dairy out of my diet to clear some health issues
3. Added 1-200 minutes of exercise to my week
4. Started focusing on portion control and food combinations
5. Kept logging in to SP for support, ideas and motivation
All these are terrific things to do for myself when I hadn't been doing any of them pre-Spark, just a few weeks ago. So, hurray for me.
The problem does not lie there, necessarily, but in the fact that in addition to these things that must get done regularly, I have a family to take care of and a full-time job spread over 7 schools. And together with my DH, I am also in the midst of rehabbing our old home, and have not yet been able to completely move in to functional rooms, creating a somewhat chaotic home life.
The point of this blog is not to ask for sympathy or to rant about never getting enough done, but simply to say - OK, so this is tough. And OK, this may be why my needs always got pushed to the bottom of the barrel - there's just too much going on. So now, I'm a bit motivated to A) Either somehow squeeze a few more hours into my day or B) organize myself much better to allow the most important (me included) things to get done, with a plan for the lesser important things to be taken care of later.
I seem to work better if I can see challenges like a game (I know - so immature and competitive, right?), and will be working on finding motivational tools to keep myself organized and focused with time off to play.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Let me start by saying I'm not Catholic... or particularly religious for that matter. However, I do love rituals and so when Lent rolls around, I try to find something I can give up that will make me a better person. This year has been pretty tough for me and my colleagues socially, so I decided to give up negative talking.
We call this 'Dirty Bricks' at work. One of my past supervisors brought in the idea of golden bricks versus dirty bricks. Golden bricks are those things you say and do that help others feel they are doing a good job, are appreciated. Dirty bricks are full of that nasty 'Did you hear what she said?' kind of garbage that breeds rumors and bad karma around a workplace. Sad to say, my job is full of dirty bricks, and I have been an equal participant in the brick throwing.
So this year for Lent, I decided to give up dirty bricks. It has been a tough few days, mostly because I catch myself starting to say something nasty even before I realize it. I am amazed at how comfortable those words sit in my mouth. I have yet to break my Lenten decision, but I have shocked myself at how quickly I am to begin noting something someone is doing in a rather negative manner - YIKES! And I have to work hard not to be drawn into the dirty brick conversations that abound in my workplace. Unfortunately, this gives off a 'holier than thou' air, which I try to dispel with humor, but still - no one likes to complain around someone who won't participate.
I started looking at how I turn dirty bricks upon myself. Oh dear... quite often I throw some hefty black ones my own way when I eat something I 'shouldn't' or don't go to the gym on any particular day. Wow. Negativity really drives my bus some days. So as an added bonus, I am working on giving up the dirtiness for more golden bricks toward myself during Lent. Hopefully, if I can give it up for 40 days/night, I should be able to continue... right? Why would anyone want to go back to dishing out garbage? Exactly my point.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
I think my life has been built around not looking in mirrors, shop windows, anything that shows my reflection. I have lived this way for years. I noticed that my sister's house has these really big mirrors on the walls. I always felt a love-hate relationship with them - loved the light they brought in, but hated seeing myself over and over. My personal trainer told me my BMI is 40. 40?!? I'm not really surprised, as I had know this for a while... but still. 40? Morbidly obese? That's what I am? Sad. Sad that my denial let me continue eating and not taking care of my body, mind, health.
So coming out of the denial is leading me into sadness and accepting the fact that I have abused my body for decades. I have had quite my share of trauma in my 45 years, and clearly eating and turning a blind eye to weight gain has been my mode of coping. Slowly, I am coming out of the hole to find new ways to handle stress - like yoga. And salad. And protein shakes. And sleep.
The trainer said 9 months to a year I should be getting my BMI down to normal-ish IF I worked hard. I think that is the scary part. But one day at a time, I will do my best.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Yikes. Worked out with a personal trainer tonight and man, am I OUT OF SHAPE! Obviously, being 100 pounds overweight, this is a typical no brainer. But still - way out of shape. Just the simplest of crunches had me in a deep red-faced panic. As I was lying on the mat, the trainer gave my husband some instructions on his exercises. Then I felt it... the red just creeping up from my belly, to cross my face in this blur of heat and exploding fear that I too will have to do this exercise. In front of him. In front of the entire gym. 'Where's the private room?' I wanted to ask. But no, I very quickly acknowledged that the red-face-not menopause - but could be just as challenging- experience was going to happen, no matter how hard I tried to beg it off. I grunted (bet THAT was pretty) through the last of the tummy exercises and made it back to the trainer's desk where he proceeded to sell us on his program, which we bought, hook, line and sinker. I feel like I just bought a new car for the payments we just agreed to. But friends - if I talk about not going to the gym in the next year... if I even so much as hint at not wanting to go... whip me with a wet noodle because I have signed over my life to this gym and I'll be gosh-darned if I don't get in shape this year.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
So I made this great commitment to get to the gym at least twice a week. I have been going four times a week since I found a great yoga teacher that helps me get the most out of my experience. I was so pleased to be so dedicated, that I joined the virtual 5K just yesterday, with the plan to go to the gym for the treadmill train last night. I had tried to go to the gym on Monday evening, but several late events in our family kept me from going. I tried to go last night, but my son, who needed to come with me, could not find his ID card (which he needed in order to come along). So we stayed home. Then today, I planned to go after a meeting at work. A 2 hour meeting that turned into a 3 hour meeting. Then my son needed attire for a school band concert tonight that they only told him about today. So... you guessed it. I can't go today either. I know this all changes tomorrow since we have a meeting with the personal trainer to go over the equipment. But WHY!?!?!? is it so hard to get there? My husband is pretty calm about it, stating our life is busy and we have to flow with it. Grrrrrr. I'd say 'Tomorrow is another day' but that's what got me fat. So I have to find a way to get to the gym even when things get busy - or find a way to be ok with it.
However, I'm curious about the forces that are standing in my way to get to the gym. What's the sabotage all about? Do I give in too quickly? (possibly) Do I not plan well enough in advance? (probably) Do I want to find every excuse to not go? (not likely)
A good lesson is here, I just know it.
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