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Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I have gained back 25 of the 48 pounds I lost.

Things have been very, very stressful here.

My daughter has been struggling with mental health and substance abuse issues.
I injured my shoulder.
My husband's pay is frozen for the 4th year in a row.
I live in Newtown, CT.

These are all very good excuses. But as much as I am hurting on the inside, I do not need my jeans contributing to my pain. They are so tight, they hurt.

They are so tight, I split the butt on one pair. They were old and the material was thin, so I told myself it was excusable.

They are so tight, that the following week, I popped the button on a different pair.

BRRRRRING, BRRRRRING. Yeah that's the Clue Phone ringing LOUDLY, just for me.

I'm not even sure where I am going to get the motivation to do this right now. I am so broken. But I know SP works. I have always known what I have to do. I need SOMETHING to feel good again.

Even if my heart is torn apart, my jeans do not have to be.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1HAPPYSPIRIT 7/20/2013 11:02AM

    Stay strong!!! Start your day with a positive attitude to stay on track and be accountable! emoticon

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SWEETLILCARRIE 7/20/2013 10:38AM

    emoticon I am so sorry for what you have been going through. Know this, things will get better. Once you get to the bottom, there is no place to go but up. I know that sometimes while being down there on that rocky bottom it feels like the rocks are going to give out on you and you're going to fall even lower but just keep looking forward to the new day ahead of you. Keep telling yourself that it will get better. It might not happen today, tomorrow or even next week, but it will happen. And you will be a better person for what you are going through.

And with gaining 25 lbs back... well, some times we stumble and fall. We're not always going to be able to walk the straight and smooth path. There are going to be rocks, ruts, holes and other things to make us trip and fall. It's not about how fast you are able to get back up. It's about just getting back up and pushing on. Which I know you can do. You might stumble around a little bit and have a hard time with, but that is to be expected. You fell down. You got hurt. Now you have to get back up and get back into it no matter how slowly you have to do it.

I'm always here for you! I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I really hope to talk to you soon. I miss all your nice words! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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OHMEMEME 3/27/2013 6:57PM

    emoticon some things are just hard to deal with. Grieving is part of the process. Do it and move on. One step, one choice. Sometimes I regain and then just hold there until I can refocus and start again. Do not give up! Keep Sparking for inspiration and motivation and information...

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KIMCOLLINGS 3/27/2013 3:37PM

    Wow. What a hard time you've been through. Very challenging. Sometimes the only control/power we have in our lives is over ourselves. Start making strides towards your health and I bet you will feel a sense of control, pride, confidence, and security. It is one thing that you have control of and can change. No one can do it for you and the good part about that is that you get to take all the credit for your accomplishments and know it was you and your strength that did it! What an awesome feeling! You can take it as far as you want to go, one step at a time. Start today with something small and be consistent. Then add something else small, but always be consistent and go slow. It's hard because I know I always want results right away, but slow and consistent will bring changes in a lasting way. I started doing some new exercises a couple of months ago and I'm finally seeing results that are noticeable. I wanted to stop after a month because I didn't notice anything, but I persisted and it paid off. It will happen for you too. Remember, this is one thing you can do to brighten your life. One thing you can do and earn the right to take all of the credit for your accomplishments. One thing you can do to feel good about yourself. It can give you more confidence and power which spills over into the rest of your life and creates strength to deal with the challenges that life brings. Empower yourself in this area for you and then take that strength and confidence and take life by the horns! I know you can do it because you did before. Your spark friends are here. Let us know how you're doing and any time you need to talk or vent shoot me a note.

Comment edited on: 3/27/2013 3:42:40 PM

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BRAVENEWGRL 3/27/2013 3:09PM

    Oh wow - what a full plate! I agree you are not broken - if you were broken, you wouldn't be here.

Take lots of deep breaths. YOu will get through this.

"I may not be there yet but I am closer than I was yesterday."

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VAMANOS 3/27/2013 11:24AM

    Aw, sweetie, I'm right there with you, right down to the regaining half of what I shed before. Sometimes the best you can do is just hold the line, and take whatever baby steps you are capable of to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Give me your hand, I'm taking the baby steps toward that light myself, and I'll drag you along with me.


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GOLFCHICK2-0 3/21/2013 3:24PM

    You're here. That's a start. I'm proud of you for that.

That "clue phone" ringing was reality, and reality sometimes bites! Gaining back your weight won't help your daughter. Buying a new, bigger wardrope won't help your finances. Making yourself unhealthy won't undo the evil that happened.

I like what Ravensong said. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. Try to remember the energy you had when you hit that 48 lb mark. You can find that again. Getting yourself healthy can only be positive for you, for your family. The community of Newtown could probably use some more healthy people!

You've lost that 25 before and you can lose it again. Good news is, it's not the whole 48. You're here. You are worth it!!

Fall down seven times, get up eight!!

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MESEATURTLE 3/21/2013 2:45AM

    Can totally relate....am not in a good state myself....
This is what brought me through yesterday.....

focus on that ....
loads of hugs

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RAVENSONG37 3/20/2013 11:10PM

    You aren't broken, you're just cracked and those cracks are where the light shines through. We're here and we know how it feels to let our bodies be a source of shame and pain, but you can get back on track!

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LESLEE33 3/20/2013 11:08PM

    It always seems like when we feel and do our best life always throws a curve ball, and throws us off track. The most important thing you can do during these stressful and trying times, is take care of yourself no matter what. emoticon emoticon

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AKATHLEEN54 3/20/2013 10:36PM

    You may be broken but sparkpeople are here to love and help heal you. Baby steps....maybe even just log on and chat and hopefully get the support you need to get back on track and move forward. All is not lost... you still seem to have your sense of humor and that is a very good thing. God bless you and your family and I hope you will be able to get back your inner peace.

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STRIVING4HEALTH 3/20/2013 10:20PM

    I can totally empathize with you chica. It's never too late to start again though, and sometimes having something positive to focus on can help you to deal with everything else.

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ME_HERE_NOW 3/20/2013 10:05PM

    aaah girl, i know the feeling all too well, been trying to scrape myself up off the ground for months and months now, i too know it works, i just can't manage to workout AND eat less at the same time - forever long now. i am 45 up, half of what i originally lost, so sad. however, beating ourselves up won't change anything...i am trying to appreciate my roundness and hope that brings me back to knowing i am worth all the effort this takes...sending love and hugs your way!

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PRETTYPITHY 3/20/2013 9:57PM

    Sorry to hear about your recent struggles. It sounds like such a high stress situation and as we know, stress leads directly to weight gain. Is there anyone you can talk to about all of this? I would imagine that in Newtown there must be some resources for people who want to talk. To have something like that happen so close to home . . . I can't imagine. I really hope you reach out to someone, if you haven't already and please let me know if I can help in any way. emoticon

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Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. (in Charlie Brown's teacher's voice)

Monday, November 21, 2011

That about sums it up.

I haven't been logging my food.
I haven't been exercising.
I haven't been listening to my body.
I have gained weight.

But today,
I am here.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FIERCE_FABULOUS 3/6/2012 10:48PM

    welcome back hun =) don't be hard on yourself for gaining weight. all that matters is that you are here and haven't given up. emoticon emoticon

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BRAVENEWGRL 1/1/2012 10:37AM

    Welcome back!

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ELLENSANGEL 1/1/2012 9:50AM

    Welcome back. Glad to see you are dusting yourself off and starting again. Me too. Happy New Year.

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TEENY_BIKINI 12/31/2011 10:22PM


It's always good to see your sweet little profile pic. You are here.

And that is great! Have a happy New Year!!


Battle on.

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LOOZINITNOW 11/27/2011 12:28PM

    I am right here with ya. We have this day to change things for the better. We are here and that is a sign we still care.

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ME_HERE_NOW 11/22/2011 1:22PM

    hey girl, so sitting at 216 instead of 200 or lower. joined the gym. about to kick this shizz in the teeth, i suggest you do some kicking too :D

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PJH2028 11/22/2011 8:36AM

    Today today today....................... LOVE YOU MORE!! I do. xop

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STEINERMOM 11/21/2011 7:12PM

  So glad that you are here. Just pick one small thing to do for yourself each day. Just commit to one small thing to care for your health. That is all it takes. We are here for support. We believe in you.

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THEAQUAPANDA 11/21/2011 5:28PM

  Glad you are here!! I just started tracking my food and working out last week. I had been lazy and having a pity party for quite a while, but I'm back to it! Make a little list of mini-goals for one week for yourself. Get motivated!!!

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JESSBOND 11/21/2011 1:06PM

    Never giving up. That is what is most important!

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TEMPEST272002 11/21/2011 11:23AM

    The only thing you must not do is give up. We all stumble. It's the getting up again that's the important thing.

So now you need to ask yourself & answer in specific detail - "Why didn't I meet my goals?" This isn't about beating yourself up and answers like "I'm a lazy butt" are NOT allowed. See it as a puzzle that needs figuring out. The more pieces you put together, the clearer the picture gets.

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VAMANOS 11/21/2011 11:20AM

    I think your last blog had a clue. Don't know when the actual day is, but that big 4-0 staring you in the face is a major obstacle for some people. And when people come up against an obstacle, they often fall into old habits, like comfortable old shoes. At 50, I told myself that dieting and trying to stay fit was just too much trouble, and I was going to quit stressing about it and just be fat. At 60, I started worrying about diabetes and high blood pressure. You get past these milestones and then you realize that you still feel like you did at any time during your adult life...they're just numbers. I turned 63 yesterday. Although I'm still 20+ lbs. overweight, I'm in the best shape of my adult life vis-a-vis fitness. It IS worth it. So, enjoy your birthday, eat, drink and be merry. Enjoy Thanksgiving. And then get in there and work like crazy to make some progress before Christmas. Fair?


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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 11/21/2011 11:13AM

    emoticonThat is what is most important! emoticon

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MOLLYSARAN 11/21/2011 11:07AM

    emoticon your getting back on track & thats what counts emoticon

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Saturday, September 24, 2011

Since I've returned from vacation a little over a month ago, I've been bouncing around between 198 and 202. I finally changed my ticker to 200 today.
I'm no longer in ONEderland. It's real.

I started to get my eating back in line last week, but still not exercising. I want to understand WTF I am doing to myself...and at the same time I don't give a crap about the WHYs, I just want to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

My pants are snug. I am lazy. I am tired. I have a problem with sugar. I'm turning 40 in a month.

I can't think of anything nice to say about where I am at right now.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STARLITEGIRL44 10/21/2011 8:43AM

  What you are ? A awesome rocking hot lady who is a wonderful wife and best mom and your a unstopple woman who can do anything she puts her mind too that's who are so go for it !! You fight for the right for your goals you want and work hard. YOU CAN DO IT !!
Time to fire you up !! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ANEPANALIPTI 9/27/2011 10:00AM

    You're damn young, that's something positive!! You're not crippled! You CAN workout. Most importantly, you've DONE IT BEFORE!! U might REALLLLYYYY not want to right now, but that doesn't mean you'll NEVER want to again ever!

Girlllllllllllllllll, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL. And if anything, just know you're not alone. emoticon

Check out this website, I'll be your referee if u want. If u put $$$ on the line it works.


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LOOZINITNOW 9/26/2011 6:38PM

    I've been here too many times to count but the others are right. Do not waste energy beating yourself up of worrying about the whys. You know what to do. Focus on the positive. Make slow, doable changes. You are going to get this and you are going to be it!

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VAMANOS 9/25/2011 11:58AM

    It's a bump in the road, nothing more. The key is to figure out what will motivate you to get back on track, and then just do it. Beating yourself up about it solves nothing, but it does give you an excuse to wallow instead of doing something about it...so get with the program, girl! emoticon

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ME_HERE_NOW 9/24/2011 9:19PM

    hey lady, i am sitting at 214.2 - so i feel your pain, a few months back i was 205, a few months before that i was 200, the worst part is i never even stopped working out, just cut back on time and intensity in the heat, but didn't adjust my eating, alas getting it all back in line, ramping up activity & hoping the scale reflects so in time....at least i haven't gone up a pant size, but i hear ya on the tightness - i refuse to let it all go, a stumble is a lesson learned and a reason to push fwd. i hope u can get back into the swing of wrkts, short walks, dancing around the house, running up and down the stairs, any and all of those would get you started. i am sending you strength and determination because i dont want you to find yourself a year from now back where i started. i am consoling myself that 15 lbs is better than 90....xoxoxo! u are not alone in this battle!

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    Try not to get down about it but bounce back and say I CAN do it. I have been plateaued for over a year now and trying not to let it get me down.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/24/2011 3:26:41 PM

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OLDERDANDRT 9/24/2011 3:20PM

    Fail? Nah!!! This too, shall pass!!! Just get you head straight!!!! Vacation is over. Sad, but true. There will be other vacations and if you get back on board, you'll look and feel even better when that time comes!! Come on, sweetie!! emoticon I've been having pity parties like this for myself for more years than I care to admit to, so don't you go there!!! It's just not worth it. Get back in the race!! Let's go, let's go, let's go!!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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TEMPEST272002 9/24/2011 2:39PM

    There's no fail here. It's a life time journey. Just by facing the numbers, you stepped right back on track. Besides "onederland" is just a number on the scale. It's not like one crosses that line & suddenly becomes a better person because of it. The ONLY thing you must do is not give up. That's all.

When I feel like I'm not moving forward, sometimes the best thing is to scale back. I make my weekly goals ones I can achieve fairly easily. After a week of success, I'm ready the following week for more challenging goals.

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DARKTHOR 9/24/2011 2:00PM

    You are blogging, you are thinking about it. Write down some goals for the next week and achieve them. Get yourself moving in the right direction and believe in yourself.

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ALWAYSCHANGING 9/24/2011 11:34AM

    We only.fail when we entirely give up. Have you given up?! No my dear you haven't. I know youhaven't. You know why? Because you're not a quitter. Changing your ticker was a way of acknowledging that you've stumbled and identifies for you a new starting point.you mentioned that you are getting your eating back on track thats moving forward. You know you have to workout, thats your next move. Do 15 minutes today. 20 tommorrow as nd build it back into your lifestyle. You can do this. emoticoni believe in you, now start believing in yourself again.

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NSTARSMITH 9/24/2011 11:25AM

    Woah, been there, done that. My primary suggestion is don't waste your energy beating yourself up for getting here, just start making one wise choice at a time back to ONEderland! Hang in.

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Tale as old as time....

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Girl gets fat.
Girl starts exercising.
Girl finds Sparkpeople.
Girl loses weight.
Girl misses her goal.
Girl allows herself to feel defeated.
Girl stops exercising.
Girl stops Sparking.
Girl gains weight.

I am now officially in danger of losing my citizenship in ONEderland.
I gotta change this.

I will start tracking again.
I will start exercising again.
I can do this.

I hope. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOLFCHICK2-0 9/16/2011 4:15PM

    Embrace the Phoenix on your page and rise from the ashes!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
1. stand up
2. brush off dirt
3. Hop back on wagon
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon Always here to help!!

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ANEPANALIPTI 9/14/2011 8:45PM


CAN WE FLIPPIN COMMIT TO COME BACK 2GETHA??? (remember, starting over is a myth, but it IS true we have been away from SP so lets DO THIS. CONSISTENCY IS KEY!)

:* :* :* :* :*

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VAMANOS 9/10/2011 10:57PM

    Hope has nothing to do with it...it's a choice. Remember Yoda: Do or do not, there is no try.

emoticon emoticon

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    emoticonYes, you can. You just have to want it! emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/10/2011 9:50:36 PM

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NEED2SUCCEED 9/10/2011 3:27PM

    We all fall.....what matter is that we get back up again!!!

You can do this!!! and you know how!

Just believe in YOU!!!!

Lacey emoticon

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ME_HERE_NOW 9/10/2011 3:22PM

    ps i am saving that comment for myself, cause its what i need to say to me too!!

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ME_HERE_NOW 9/10/2011 3:22PM

    hey gal, i have in fact jumped the border to onederland by 10 lbs o_O i didnt stop exercising but i reduced my intensity when the weather got hot, but didnt compensate by eating less, and here i stand all robust and rotund - yet i refuse to give up! YOU have the power, day by day, choice by choice to make the difference. if you just go for an eency weency 10 min walk every day you can get started back on the path to spark sanity! holla!! i am trying every day to get my eating under control, and i win some, and i lose some, but in trying i have gained a lot less than i could have! hoping by cutting out alcohol cals & being able to be more active now that the cooler air is moving in i can get back to the better side of onderland! i know you can do this for you, forget a fixed goal #, just commit to staying on the right side of the line, the worrying about getting lower self sabotages when it doesnt happen by a certain time, i know this first hand!

Comment edited on: 9/10/2011 3:24:26 PM

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OLDERDANDRT 9/10/2011 3:10PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ARGYLE-RUNNER 9/10/2011 3:10PM

you are awesome, and we are here for you

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Monday, May 23, 2011

All the sad news coming from Missouri and Mississippi,
and even here on Spark with WillowWind's passing,
and Momma_Little's burglary and her friend's awful accident,
has me humbled.

I am blessed.
You are blessed.

Carry on. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THEAQUAPANDA 6/5/2011 10:06PM


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TEENY_BIKINI 6/3/2011 4:06PM


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PUNZIE73 6/2/2011 8:07AM

    I couldn't agree more. With the tornadoes, earthquakes, heat waves and so many being affected by these intense weather patterns, I'm truly blessed.

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ME_HERE_NOW 5/25/2011 2:22AM

    i was thinking about this on my walk tonite, i am so with ya here.

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ERTSMOM 5/24/2011 11:42AM

    Totally agree!

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TEMPEST272002 5/23/2011 6:06PM

    Absolutely. emoticon

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VAMANOS 5/23/2011 4:22PM

    We should indeed count our blessings, and I believe we should also look for silver linings. It's hard to see them when one is going through the troubles, whatever they are, but once the storm has passed, there's usually SOMETHING to be thankful for even in the pain.

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LESLIES537 5/23/2011 3:39PM

    I'm very humbled by all of this too. Living just 100 miles away from that tornado has definitely got me counting my blessings!! emoticon

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    Yes... we sure are. *hugs* to you and prayers for all those suffering!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NEED2SUCCEED 5/23/2011 3:26PM

    So true!! Sending prayers for all those involved.....

Kinda makes all my problems seem so small......

Thanks Neeni for posting this....

Lacey emoticon

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ANEPANALIPTI 5/23/2011 2:45PM


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    I agree totally. I am sending more prayers their way. emoticon emoticon

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