Sunday, June 27, 2010
My resting pulse rate has been 96 but today, it was back to normal at 64. What did I do different, I slept, decompress thoughts, and laughed at lot. Laughter truly is under rated. I am glad though, I slept like a new born babe, and felt good about.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Today, I swam for exercise, and I feel my abs. Later, My DIL and I took my granddaughter for her first swimming lesson and it was love at first sight. She is 2 yrs old and water is her thing. She actually floated on her back for a few seconds and when she went down, she didn't even care. How come we are not fearless like that.
I mean, I am on a journey to lose weight, exercise so that I can prolong my life. I must admit, I started dieting at 12 years old, and around 17 when I went to college, I found that there were other women as tall and big boned as I was and I weighed in at 175. Somewhere along the line, I believed that I was not attractive, wide nose, short hair. ( what a joy when I got my first weave), some pimples, big feet, etc. etc. When I married my first husband, his family reinforced my negative imagine by flat out calling me ugly. And so, for several years in that marriage, my weight went up to 183, not bad, but the image of the fat ugly with big feet became just me.
Let's fast forward. I discovered that I wasn't really ugly, just not pretty. When I met the man that God intended for me, he was surprised that I did not have any mirrors in my home - I could get dressed and go for it. I then mistakenly believed that once I married, I was not free to live with abandon, and I ballooned up to nearly 300 pounds at one time. I was always hypothyroid, and then I got hypertensive and diabetes, and life, while supposedly being good, was a life that was difficult; I never learn how to fearless, I always thought I needed to please and subsequently, I gained, went through another bout of cancer, and forgot about me - instead, I wanted to fix whatever was wrong, in my children's life, in my husband's life and anyone else who let me, because I was fearful - who would love me if I said no, who would -( fill in the blank). I had troubles and I had ills.
Today, I am living fearlessly; I have learned to be assertive about what is good for me. I no longer take on assignments that I can not give 100% full passion to. You know those things that others want you to do, cause they don't want to and will get mad at you, when you say no. I started to take care of me - the less I want to do based on anther's opinion, the better I feel. My husband did break my heart, we are together, but even that won't stop me. I am no longer afraid of what will happen tomorrow, because I am grateful for today. I have been the talk of the town, because I have been recuperating for a year - some believe it is the result of the accident, partially, but the other part is that I had to recoup form the stuff I let everyone dump on me. For awhile I was angry, because I could still feel the pain of some of the things that I allowed to happen. Now, it was my journey to here. It was my ride to freedom, it was my life with no conditions. Some people enjoy the first years of their lives, but I am here to tell you that my life began at 54 and with my next birthday, I am going to totally FEARLESS!!!
I love my family, and I really love my husband, his wisdom, his strength to go after what he wants, and I will ever be grateful for that lesson, and I too am going for what I want. I expect to graduate with my master degree in 2011 - the accident limited me from finishing in Dec. I also will be working on getting my Massage Therapy certification completed - yes, I graduate 5 yrs ago and did get license - one day, I will talk about that which I did not complete. I also will be getting a new job - why, because, I am a valuable asset, and my office ( no, this is not sour grapes), is notorious for favoritism, has had multiple grievances and yes, I have had some difficulty, and I can even admit, I can be difficult - I used the excuse that because I do computer security, I have no flexibility, but I could say things with a smile - this year, actually, last year in the fall, I began just that. I have always gone the extra mile, but now it is with a smile.
I got a life to live, without bondage. I no longer feel I need to hide in food, or lay around. I am de-cluttering my home , my mind and my heart. I am doing me, and now I enjoy doing for others. I have some mountains to climb and some valleys to lay in, I got flowers to grow and rainbows to wish upon. I got live, and it is promised to be abundant and I want to walk out this journey that God has promised if we just believe, trust and obey. Whatever faith tradition you may be, those or the tenants of life. We all have to follow rules, we all have to get along to go along, and we all must trust the process, especially by reviewing the successes of others. When Ajia, jumped in the water, and when she laid on her back, she did not show any fear, she trusted the process, she knew that we would not let anything harm her, so what did she have to fear.
So I Get It, I get It, and I love having it - and what is it? Me being whole.
Friday, June 25, 2010
So today was my rest day because I lounge in the bed and just relaxed. Do you ever just take time for you? Please learn that and take it from a person, who always wants to please, who will sacrifice time for someone else, who USED to bend over and let people kick me.
Last year I had a near fatal car accident which left me unable to walk for 6 weeks and then to walk with crutches; I discovered that I had one blocked artery, on top of being hypothyroid, hypertensive and diabetic ( Type 2 and I got that right on the quiz today). I also suffered with PTSD. Now, initially with my body all bang up and in constant pain, I cried out. However, when my husband showed me the car I was first devastated, and second surprised that I made it. I was in the shock trauma unit for 8 hours being stabilized. While my injuries were many, my heart had be broken and my emotions were hanging on a string.
What brought me around was being grateful, being willing to look deep inside of me and know that my heart would only heal when I was willing to give love, release bitterness, and forget yesterday, because I don't know anywhere in history that people could live backwards. I also learned when to get introspective and take a bit of time for me and today was that day.
Tomorrow it is back again - track first thing in the morning and then swimming lessons - mine and then 3 hours later my granddaughter. Food is already ready and water is in abundance, so I am good to go.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I got to get a handle on this thing. My pulse is still elevated an hour after my workout.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Today, I woke up with a resting pulse rate of 96 and a bottom number BP of 114. Needless t say, I was shocked and bit frightening. So, I got back in bed, decided to forego the pre walk before aquatics. I had taked my meds and so I rested another hour and left for aquatics. It was high, but the workout soothe me into forgetting the problem. I ruled out going to the emergency and got a refill on the blood pressure med that the Doctor discontinued, and work it did. It seems that the one he favors, is not working. I also took a nap, and when I got up it was 114/64. Now that was with medicine. I am cool with it, because until my body has adjusted to my new level of exercise, new way of eat, I will medicate - however, I do know that I will be off of these meds. One of the guys in my class lost 40 pounds and he is off meds. Whatever it takes, I am willing to do, and do I will!
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