Sunday, August 01, 2010
I am documenting my journay both in video and also written. My intent is to watch for changes and improvements. Please feel free to comment.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Today, we are travelling to a celebration of life for the father of a friend. This man and his wife raised his children with strong work ethics, examples of loving relationships and common sense. As he felt his body betray him, and then his mind began to slip, he held steadfast to love he had for his children. He did not remember their names, he remembered their hearts. My friend is standing with his mother as he prepares for this day.
I realize today that it is important to not get to introspective - or maybe I should, perhaps this is one of the things that will keep me on task, keep honest - that there are days that I am afraid to die. I walk my journey, I have my faith, and as I think, I have to die to live. Put off the old flesh. I am going to see folks that I have not seen in months - perhaps that is on my mind. I look different, but right now I am up at 5:14 am. having some anxiety about this day.
Well the only way to do is face it - and do me. I'll See.
Have a nice day
Friday, July 30, 2010
As a teenager, I was laying on the telephone one night, talking with my friends, a little this, a little that and some cussing. After the conversation, my Dad rounded the corner and said to me that profanity was the tool of an ignorant person –please for those of you are reading this, I am not talking about you, so don’t own it. I am looking at him incredulous, and thinking, my Daddy just called me ignorant.- OOH, reeally and if I could whip you I would, but I did not want to die that night. He went on further to explain to me that cuss words can carry pain, not just the receiver, but the giver. Using profanity indicated to him, that I must be in pain, and with a limited vocabulary, and if I would just think about what I was saying, who I was saying it too, I would open a different world, one that is multifaceted and not one dimensional. Profanity is one dimensional. –stick with me here please.
The definition that sounded most like my daddy’s was that profanity is abusive, vulgar, or irreverent language. So what does it have to do with us? I have been cruising through, looking at blogs and talking with people. All of our intros on our pages are wonderful, full of promise, exciting and then we begin the journey. We fall short of our written goals, like losing 1,000 pounds in a day, eating only 1,000 calories day, 62 veggies, whatever and we then start the comparison of our journey with another’s. And the other thing is the drama that others can impose upon another, and we lose people from the site and some of us lose ourselves.
And that is when the profanity resurfaces, - We began to look at ourselves as a failure, not a woman or man down, not needing to ask for help, just the four letter word FAIL. We start the journey of cussing ourselves out. We start the abuse process again, we began to eat vulgar – my most vulgar meal by the way was that KFC thing – what I was thinking – as soon as I got that free coupon in the spring, I was at the door when they opened. – now, first I do not like cheese and chicken, reminds me of mucous pus pie, and then a piece of another meat – I digress, it was vulgar and by eating that I went into a place almost to the point of making a fried doughnut sandwich – anyway, so now I have abused myself with vulgar food, and then that irreverent piece – that is my self- talk – I know I was going to what – FAIL, dang, why do I try, and before long my head is bent down, shoulder sloped and I am in misery. 20 years – my Daddy was right, profanity is the tool of an ignorant person - I was not willing to change, I was just going to use the tools that I knew, actually another cuss word is INSANITY - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I was working a single faceted world. How about this – we know what we have eaten, we know when we have ducked our exercises, we fall, and we cuss ourselves because we do not get back up, shake it off and begin again. I have done that many times in my life. I was rereading journals from some 20 years ago – and I had the same theme:
“Lord, Please order my steps, help me to lose weight and it has never been less than 50 pounds, straighten out my credit, and bless me. Of course we all remember the prayer of Jabez, and while you are at it, enlarge my territory and for what more fat? I was not doing anything really about it.
Something hit me – called a blocked artery (and other stuff) that could not be opened surgically. My heart was functioning, but not well. I did not have a heart attack at that time, but apparently I had a series of heart attacks. I was asked multiple time about sitautions, but for a person who cusses - I have a high tolerence for pain. Also as a person who is hypothyroid, the heart is one of the critical body functions that get affected. While in the hospital, I looked over and saw my beautiful granddaughter, whose legacy I am a part of. What type of message would I leave with her – the fact that my lifestyle was killing me? She was discovering herself and I am a part of that. But most importantly, I wanted to live for me – for years in my cussing state of mind, I had limited my life, because I was too fat, too sick, too ugly, too tall, too this, too that too broke – abusive, vulgar and irreverent, and I only had to utter one cuss word fail. How’s that for a powerful 4 letter word.
I got an e-mail from Spark and thought, let me go back in, see what this about – and I STOPPED CUSSING. I read the SPARK, and discovered that becoming multifaceted requires me to be gentle with myself. I learned to set realistic goals, I know I cannot lose a 1, 000 pounds in a day or a week, but I have lost it in my lifetime, actually 798 pounds since I was 13 - I have been journalling a long time. I no longer have to try to work on someone else platform. I have stopped being abusive and vulgar to my body and to my mind and eat more whole food at home than ever. Okay, admission: I cook every day. I just would still go out and get something, because I could. I joined to teams, I talk with people daily ( now, I really was not lonely, I just like talking to to the people I am talking too.) I like my team leaders and there is one that has really reached out to me, as she does all of her team mates; she knows how to chastise with wompf and a lot of love - you know who you are Lynn and for that I am grateful. Oh, yeah, I also have more money than eve, because my selected drugs of drive-ins are no longer on my route - am I cured, no, but I know to make better choice and stop cussing.
So tonight I ask you, can you stop cussing? Let’s walk this journey together.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Cleaning my kitchen was inspired and necessitated by an exploding cantaloupe. I knew that thing had some issues when I moved it and it burped. BUT how in the world, did it think it was okay to do that in my kitchen - seeds everywhere, juice, it looked liked a smooshed football. Hubby: Jacki, we got a mess down here at 5:12 this morning. I was not thinking of awaking early this a.m. Besides, where did the we come from, I am not Tanto to his Lone Ranger at 5:12 this morning. Not to day babe.
So, I am cool, I yell down stairs - Okay. He says so seriously, " just okay", and of course I said " just okay." It would be there when I got up at 6:12 cause I would have to go to the bathroom and that burns calories. To his credit, he used paper towels to sop the mess and then got out of here for work.
The cleaning prompted me to review my my staples, moved around and moved out things not needed. Who has 7 canisters of basil, 6 of dry mustard. 4 of sage, lots of agar agar, I could go on and on , oh, and 3 big things of chili powder - I beleive I had a moment - and Um, the dry mustard I can use in a detox bath, and I decided I would use the basil in some of the things I am dehydrating like tomatoes, okra, and some sauce I will be putting up. It was productive.
New lady 3eoticbeauty said, just do the darn thing, and that thing is my 100 day journey of raw food. She is right why put off tomorrow what can be done today, so I have been fooding after my cleaning. I have some goodies dehydrating, made banana ice cream with frozen banana, dollop
( like that word) of peanut butter and a bit of honey - whipped in food processor. I am excited about this phase of this journey.
Plan for Food part of my life
Stay between 1200-1700 calories - that spread is based on my workouts
Enjoy my journey
Plan my meals
Ensure that I don't get caught up in the action and miss the experience
Take pictures of dishes
I spoke with a friend who reads my blog and my musings elsewhere - It was interesting her take on me. She looks at my life as a 1/2 empty glass - comments like - you sounded too tired, are you sure that those M&M's were really that bad, come on, you should reward yourself . Straight away, I had to say, I write in my circumstances and pray through my pain - and enjoy in my praise. For every situation that I write about, it is a praise, I have overcome and I am grateful. I told her she cares deeply for me,she is concerned but I am joyful about my life; If I get tired, it is a good thing because in order to be tired, I have to move, I have to be a human doing, and not being; I know where she is coming from - my fatigued was part of my sickness and the auto accident last year nearly killed me -so I understand and I appreciate her concern. Somebody has to care about a fool!
My faith will not die, because I believe that faith without works is dead, and I am alive. I am free, Praise the Lord, I am free, no longer bound, no more chains holding me, my Soul is resting, and it’s just another blessing, Praise… the Lord Hallelujah, I'm free.
1. To fall and begin again
2. Radical Joy
3. Learning not to take myself too seriously
4. Playing nice with others
6. I ain't in charge of nothing and I like it that way
7. Power of study - interpretation
8. Able to shimmy
9. Somebody Prayed for me
10. Just a little talk with Jesus and it is alright.
I have got to say one more time - I am loving loving! Good night!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Today, I ate poorly. What am I eating or trying to eat away. I will say, I ate a wonderful watermelon and then it began to go into a matrix world. I declare that I am in some space right now, however, it won't last because it is not comfortable.
Supposedly, it takes 21 days to change a habit, and I do not know how long it takes to break a habit. They are two different thing. To change a habit, we need to employ committing, monitoring and practicing. And to break a habit we need to know why we find the action so compelling; because there has to be a payoff for doing this seemingly negative thing. We have already classified something as bad, so if we continue in that vein, what is in it for me to keeping doing it. Typically it is instant gratification but remorse is standing some where near to work on the mind. Two different things, both require work, dedication, just different course of action.
So, now I have started some type of mind game with myself. As a result, I decided I need to have a little talk with Jesus and since my inspiration knows no boundaries, I knew I was in for some stuff. I have to remember that if I don't want to know, I should not ask. As I am talking, I am laying out the things of the past four months, talking about anxiety, living my life as a RAWK star, and also golden, what has been bothering me - just centered on me. Finally, I ran out of steam - I knew God knew as I knew what had been going on. Finally the discussion was being led by God, and here is how it went.
God: Glad you took a break Glad you took a break -You breathing okay. I have been here through it all. Of course you did not feel you really had a lot to do with all of this, never your fault.. Let me ask you something precious -thought about doing 100 days of raw food; You are exercising, but I believe a little detox is needed.
Me: -Yikes , you want me to do what ?? Commit ( okay that is the first word of displeasure- commit), to 100 days of what? Raw - come on God ( I KNOW I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE who has a Jonah complex), of course I stick a sick smile on my face
God: You came to me, told me that you wanted to heal, wanted to be healthy, wanted peace, understanding - Look Jacki, I am a gentleman, I do not force you to do anything. You have free will, but you contacted me.
Me: so that means, I need to be serious; I mean REALLY!!!!.
God: don't ask if you don't want to know. I have given you life so that you can have it more abundantly. I have created every seed bearing plant, tree, fresh air, sunshine, all things that are nature's medicine and really, it is free for the asking. Oh, and I did not ask you, but you VOLUNTEERED to serve me until you die.
And then it hit me, I have a choice to be the living or the walking dead.
Me: okay God, you know what is on my plate these next two week especially next week while I will be traveling.
God: okay and your point is......??????,
God: - are you going to do it or what. I love you daughter, I have chosen you and you always make me laugh, by telling me your plans. Sometimes you even tell me what to do, and I just love that because you think you are in charge. It if it is okay for you, it is okay for me.. Go ahead, make your plan, write the vision, make it plain for this appointed time; I want you to live, cleanse and be free.
Me: (humbled ), and being the me that I am, why not. I have bought all the cookbooks, collected recipes, created recipes, led fasting retreats ( actually I have been led to do so in the spring), you think I am prepping for that - , God never puts me out without equipping me., I have started the habit changing process - I will be sharing my goals for accountability and preparing, As I attend our family reunion next week, celebrating some 276 years of life in America, and how we have survived, the excitement of this particular journey will be paramount in my mind.
Conversations with God
Friends who remind me that it ain't all that serious
Indigestion - to remind me that if I eat it again, I will be uncomfortable
Laughing at myself
Seeing my skin improve
Wonderful places like this
The ability to move on and know what to leave alone
Abundance of Life
Now, I must find me a durian - I am looking to try new things for my 100 day journey.
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