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Happy Even Though I Gained

Monday, July 21, 2014

Earlier I was thinking while I was getting my workout in on my "new to me" recumbent bike.

I was thinking about the past year from last summer to this summer and I realized that even though I gained weight back and had to start my healthy and fit lifestyle over yet again, there has been some good things that have happened to me too!

First in the middle of last summer I got a babysitting job watching a baby boy about 15 hours a week that made about $2.50 an hour. Then a couple months later I got a different babysitting job watching a baby girl about 32-40 hours a week paying $7.50 an hour. Although the money was nice for that job and so were the hours, more often than not I came home in a bad mood. Soon that got to be enough and in June I started looking for something different. About a week or so after applying a few places I got called for an interview at Walmart and was offered a job there. So I quit my babysitting job and started working at Walmart. It has been so much better for me since I now am in better moods and I actually enjoy seeing all the different people and talking to different people everyday.


To top it all of, Ron and I went on a little get away in April. We had such a great time! It was the first vacation we have gone on to together. And the best part of it all was on April 18th I got engaged to the love of my life!! emoticon

So even though I gained some weight back, so many good things have happened to me this year. And yes it would have been better if I had not gained any weight but it was still an amazing year.
Realizing this today made me really happy and brought me some peace. Now I feel like I can move on and continue on my journey.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRACED777 7/21/2014 2:31PM

    Congrats on your better job and your engagement! It's a lot to be thankful for. emoticon Thanksgiving also gets us more ready for the future!

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ONTHEPATH2 7/21/2014 2:22PM

    Congrats on your engagement! Happy is an awesome thing!!! Enjoy!

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POSITIVEHOPE 7/21/2014 2:20PM

    Happy is a wonderful place to live. Glad you found it with your new job and that it is carrying over into your journey.

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Starting Over...

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

Well.. I figured it was about time to write a blog. Unfortunately it's a not so good blog.
It seems as far as my weight loss journey, things have gone from bad to worse. emoticon I am very unhappy about it and I have to say that I have kind of been moping about it for the last week or so. Probably the last 2 weeks. I have been so upset with myself..

First it was just a couple pounds and I was like, oh that's no big deal, I'll lose it. Then a couple went to 5, then to 10, then to 15... Now I am almost back to where I started a little more than 2 years ago. And it has me sad. But I don't want to stay sad.

I thought that getting engaged and having a wedding coming up next year would get me motivated to wanting to look my best. And I do want to look my best but it doesn't have me as motivated as I would like.. Meaning there is almost no motivation at all. And I think a big reason of it is, I know that no matter how I look, Ron will love me for who I am..

But I need to get back on track.. I'm not sure how but I know that I need to.
So I definitely will need all of you to help keep me accountable! Especially those of you with my phone number, you know who you are!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JADED_CHICK19 7/9/2014 7:35AM

    This seems to ring true for so many of us right now! It seems everywhere I turn around ppl are having to start over including me! (Today is Day 3 for me). Just remember you can do this and you have a ton of support here and that this is ultimately for YOU. Don't give up! You got this!

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PAZUZURISES 7/9/2014 12:06AM

    I feel the same way... I gained almost ALL my weight back.. two weeks ago i started again... used weight watchers as well as sparkpeople... I lost 12 lbs so far... Hang in there
emoticon

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CALLMESALLYG 7/8/2014 11:02PM

    I totally understand! Life has been so crazy lately for me and I have been excusing too many bad habits and sweet treats. :/ I started a second job, only two nights a week, for just a little it of money for the summer since this teacher does t get paid unless she works lol. But after someone quitting at my second job, I now am working 4 nights a week, on top of a few times a week that I wasn't planning on at my school getting things ready for the fall. So I have had quite a few 7am-9pm work days with only an hour to get from one to the next...which includes food and changing clothes lol. With that being said, I took a little bit of a leap of faith financially and purchased the newest BeachBody program PiYo and started a 2 month challenge yesterday...at 188lbs. :/ That's so frustrating for me since June of last year I was ranging between 165-170. :( But, I'm not gonna let that get me down, I'm gonna use it as a motivator. I've lost focus on myself and I need to remember that it's ok to take some time for ME every once in a while. I will definitely be praying for you and will try my best to shoot you a text every once in a while. I'm so sorry it's been so long! We can totally get back on track and reach our goals, we just can't ever quit!! Never give up!!

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Hating Myself

Thursday, May 08, 2014

I have been feeling so down lately. Some of the stupidest things have been upsetting me. I have been picking fights.. (poor Ron) and just not feeling myself.
I use to be a depressed person when I was younger and living with my dad and dealing with abuse. Now I think it's back.. Does a person ever truly get over being depressed?
I looked in the mirror tonight and I HATED what I saw.. Granted part of it is because I gained a few pounds recently and I'm not happy about it and I know I need to work extra hard to get that off too. But it's like I'm going in the opposite direction. Instead of working out more than normal, I'm eating more than normal. And none of the healthy stuff either. I'm eating stuff that I shouldn't be eating. And when I was looking in the mirror earlier, all I can feel towards myself was hate. I didn't like what I saw and it made me just want to cry even more.

And what's worse, I want to talk to Ron about it but I don't know how. I don't know how to tell him that I feel like I'm depressed or that when I look in the mirror I hate myself. I don't want him to think that I'm depressed or anything because of him because I'm not. I love him to death and he brings me happiness. I know that I am feeling depressed because of gaining a few lbs and just realizing that I can't stand to look at myself only made it worse...

I don't know what to do...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MIPALADY23 5/30/2014 6:44AM

    This is the absolute best time to focus on getting you healthy and part of that is working with and asking your partner for help. Print your blog...ask him to read it and then map out a short list of very specific reachable goals. Small goals that you can complete within a weeks time to get you back on track and rocking that confidence, endorphins and getting your energy back in place! You can do it. xo

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MOONSHADOW145 5/9/2014 11:01PM

    Can you print this out or bring him to the computer and ask him to read it? I think you described it perfectly, exactly what he needs to know so he can help you get help.

Gentle hugs to you.

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PERFECTVELVET 5/9/2014 9:49AM

    This is very relatable to me and many people who have struggled with depression. Since depression is related to your brain chemistry, no, I don't think it ever truly goes away. It can lay dormant for a very long time (for me, it was almost 10 years!) but it certainly has a way of coming back like a tornado when you least expect it.

You definitely need to talk to Ron. He loves you, and I know he'll do whatever he can to help you. It is difficult to explain mental illness to a person who has never suffered from it, but I would hope, with your history, that he doesn't think it has anything to do with him.

So that's the first step. The second step? Get a referral to a psychologist. Medication and talk therapy work wonders, and you'll start feeling better. If you're already on medication, maybe it needs tweaked. That can happen too.

Loving yourself is key. We all have things we want to work on, whether it's weight or empathy or bad habits. We are works in progress - always. Please remember that.

You are strong. You are a fighter. But even the strongest know when to ask for help - and you've done that. Now it's time to get it. You can do this. I believe in you.

And if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. I've been there, I've seen the darkness. Without sounding totally cheesy (but hey, if it makes you smile, then bring on the cheese!), I've come through the darkness into the light. I am a work in progress, but I am a happy one. Let me know if I can help. Hugs to you.

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A-STRONGER-ME 5/9/2014 6:37AM

    Depression, unfortunately, is a part of some people's lives and not something anyone chooses. Mostly brain chemistry.

You need to share with Ron, so he understands why you are acting as you are and you need to talk to you family doctor.

It can be managed, but you need to take the first step.

Good Luck - you deserve to be happy.

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POSITIVEHOPE 5/9/2014 12:45AM

    I may be all wrong here but maybe you are having trouble with that inner part of us that is afraid of being thinner. It's so easy to be angry with that part of ourselves. We feel that part is responsible for so much of our misery.
I was scared as a kid and as a kid I thought I'd be safer if I was big. So I got big. As an adult, that kid part of me was still afraid and fighting back. For me, that kid doesn't want me to be slim! I recently learned that the bratty, scared little kid that I hated, loathed and despised is the force behind those inner voices that urge me to eat compulsively. Now, I really wanted it to die but that wasn't the answer. I got lucky and found two tools to deal with it.
I learned about Renee Stephens from the SP Inside Out Weight Loss (IOWL) team. Through Renee, I learned that those negative voices urging us to eat have a positive intent behind their messages. That negative inner voice wanted to help me? You gotta be kidding! I finally sat down and looked at that part of myself without anger. What are you trying to tell me? Silence. It took me a while but when I became really comfortable with my inner self and not angry, hostile or superior, I realized it started when I was a child and I was afraid. I thought if I was BIG I would be safe. So I got big. I learned to eat compulsively. The message, "Eat it! You know you want it. It'll make you feel good." was meant to make me eat because there was a part of me that was still afraid of being small.
Now when that voice speaks, all I have to do is say to myself, "It's okay. I've got this. I know you want to eat it but trust me, we'll be okay." The voice isn't nearly so compelling now. It just stops. No drama or willpower. It just stops!
Here is the link to Renee's free online Podcasts,
http://podcasts.personallifemed
ia.com/podcasts/216-inside-out-
weight-loss
Yo Yo Dieting, Positive Intent and Chronic Fatigue
I know you will find your way out of the weeds. There is an answer for each of us. Keep looking until you find yours.

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JADOMB 5/8/2014 11:22PM

    So sorry to hear this sweetie. I think we all have our moments and our down times. We just have to focus on what makes us truly happy and go for it. We also need to have a strong spiritual base to lean on. My prayers are with you.

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Fitness Steps

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Well, it's hard to believe that tomorrow is Valentines Day! This year is going by rather quickly! It makes me excited yet nervous at the same time.
I'm excited because it has been a pretty good year so far and I know that it will just get better. I am happy with my life and where I am at and I am looking forward to what the future will bring me.
I'm nervous though because I'm not sure that I am doing all that I can or should be doing with my fitness.
How do we know if we are doing enough?
How do we know if we are where we are suppose to be?
Should I be doing more?

These are all questions that I'm asking myself yet I'm not sure how to answer them. I don't want to let myself down by doing less than what I actually can. But how do I know if I'm doing less? How am I to figure out if I can do more without adding more stress and being more exhausted?

I'm not sure if any of you, my friends, have the answers to these questions but I thought maybe I would put it out there and see what you guys have to say.
I don't want to be doing less than what I can be doing. I want to keep pushing myself. But I also don't want to add undo stress to my life either... UGH..

On a brighter note I am slightly improving in some things.

Activity | Jan. 22, 2014 | Feb. 12, 2014 | (+/-)
-----------------------------
Crunches ----------44------------46 ----------+2
Pushups ----------- 9 ------------ 11 ----------+2
Squats ------------ 0 ----------- 44 ----------- 0



These are a few things that I am measuring over time for a challenge that I am doing. I didn't do the squats the first time that's why there isn't anything there. It is my plan to measuring these every few weeks. I am hoping to always improve and never get worse. =)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARYBETH4884 2/13/2014 6:34PM

    You will know if you push too hard! You will also feel when you are ready to do more as far as exercise. Your pace will increase naturally so you'll walk further in the same amount of time. For strength training you will just add a few more reps as they get easier. Listen to your body, as you get healthier everything gets "easier" and you want it to be challenging but not to the point of injury! I love your enthusiasm! Good luck on your journey!!

Comment edited on: 2/13/2014 6:35:43 PM

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AWESOMECHELZ 2/13/2014 10:10AM

    Pretty cool blog! I really like the way you are thinking through your progress and how you are keeping records too. emoticon emoticon
LOVE, CHELSEA

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MIZZFIT2 2/13/2014 10:04AM

    I measure my fitness by calories burned, things I did that I wasn't able to do before, improved my S.T. in any way shape or form, walked faster, or feel myself sweating when i do my cardio work out. If I'm not sweating I'm not going my all to the work out.
Those are my measurements for fitness.

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Emotional to Physical

Sunday, February 02, 2014

In one of my Sparkteams (BLC 24) we do a question of the day everyday. Todays QOTD was : Did any adult encourage you to lose weight as a child or teenager?

Well yes my grandma did encourage me. She was very helpful about it and nice and did what she could to help me lose weight. Although ultimately it was on me to do so since it was my body. My dad on the other hand wasn't.

After answering this QOTD I realized that maybe I needed to blog about this question and get it all out and hopefully move forward from it.

The way my dad treated me and acted towards me has held me back for so long that I believe I need to get it all out and hopefully that will help me move on from it and it will stop holding me back from doing the things that I want to do and be the person that I am meant to be.

When I was really young I use to be really skinny and knobby. I was a tiny kid. Then we moved from Wisconsin to Michigan. The whole point of moving was because my dad was in the Navy and he was being sent out to California to spend his last 2 years on a ship and my brother and I moved here to Michigan to live with my grandparents while he was gone. I'm not certain but I think that that is what caused me to start gaining weight. With my dad being our main support person and seeing him all the time to being forced to live with our grandparents and only seeing our dad a handful of times in 2 years most likely caused a lot of stress on me. Especially be only 8 at the time.

I had started gaining some weight. And of course once you start, it's hard to stop. Eventually it got to the point where my grandma tried to help me lose weight. I wasn't obese or anything. I was just a little chubby, weighing slightly more than I should. And it wasn't that I wasn't active or anything. I loved being outside and I loved running around and doing anything outside. I just happened to have loved food also.

My grandma was 100% encouraging where as my dad was the exact opposite. He had started making rude comments about my weight and saying mean things. He called me names like fatty, lard a$$, chubby, chunky, etc... It hurt a lot. In fact, it still does. While typing all this I am tearing up. It was always so hard to hear and deal with it. It just made me want to turn to food more. Food gave me something that my father wasn't.

When I was in 8th grade I was also in my second yer of Catechism at Church. I was going to be graduating from it in April and I was so excited. My brother had finished the year before and he had a nice Catechism party and I was looking forward to mine. Well a couple months before I was to finish it my dad told me the only way I was having a party was if I lose 20 lbs by the time I gave my Catechism speech.. 20 lbs is hard for anyone to lose in a couple months let alone a 12 year old. At first I tried but after not seeing any results I gave up. Then the name calling from my dad just got worse and worse. It made me feel like I was nothing and when it came to for me to give my speech, I gave it all while secretly hoping that my dad wouldn't be so cruel as to not throw me a party. But he held to his word and I received no party. I was devastated. I couldn't understand why my dad was being so mean and why he hated me so much. I cried a lot and became really depressed.
Then high school started. If I had any illusions that my dad would change, I was being delusional. Everything got worse. The name calling got worse. All the emotional abuse got worse and then there was physical abuse. I soon became a recluse. I tried to stay away from my dad as much as possible. I had even started staying the night at my grandparents a few nights a week. I remember my dad and grandma getting into arguments because of the things he would say to me. I don't think that she knew he was hitting me and sometimes even my brother. She was always our saving grace though. She was always there for us and for that I will always be thankful. I use to wish that she would take us away from my dad but now I wonder if she was slightly afraid of him.
While high school for all of my friends was awesome, I hated it. I started skipping classes, not doing my school work, I never went out with friends anymore and I had started cutting myself. I know a lot of people think that when people cut themselves it is just for attention. But I will say that for me anyways, it wasn't. Only a couple people ended up knowing. My dad never knew and to this day he still doesn't know that I did. For me, cutting myself was a way to show me I was still alive. I was going day after day feeling like I was nobody and nothing because that was how my dad treated me. Cutting myself and seeing my blood showed me that I was in fact still alive and still there.
High school was the worst for me. In junior high I was on the honor roll, in high school I had a hard enough time get a 1.00 GPA. I had started keeping a journal about how I felt. I would carry it with me EVERYWHERE. I even slept with it under my pillow. I never let anyone read it because I was scared of what might happen if someone did. I poured all of my feelings into it hoping that it would help me deal with everything. I recently went back and read that journal and actually cried and had to stop because it was so dark and sad.
The only time in high school that things got better was when I was a Senior. Instead of needed 6 credits to graduate on time, I needed 9. I was viewing my senior year as the gateway out. All I needed to do was complete that year and then I could be done. I could be done with school, my dad, all the abuse... I could move one. I worked my a$$ off that year and got my 9 credits plus 1. But, it wasn't completely a good year. My dad was still very abusive and mean. The worse happened November of 2008 (my senior year). I had had a conflict in my 6th hour math class. My teacher had wanted me to stay after class which I did. But when the bell rang for everyone to leave and go home, a student had said something rude to me and I ended up swearing at them and of course the teacher (who happened to know my family) hadn't heard what the other student said and only heard me swear and thought I was swearing at her. She told me to leave and I knew instantly she was going to call home. which she did... When I got home, it was Hell. I won't go into everything that was said. But the last thing my dad said to me before beating me with a 2x4 was I better call 911 because I'd need an ambulance by the time he was through with me... The whole time he was beating me ( I say beating because that is what it was) I of course was crying (it hurt) but all the while thinking that he was never going to do that to me again. By the time he was done I got up (very slowly) and walked away. It was very hard for the next couple of months... that's how long the bruises lasted. I wore a sweatshirt all the time. Except once. I had forgotten and had gotten hot and took my sweatshirt off. One of my friends noticed a huge bruise on my arm (the size of a 2x4) and asked about it. I had no idea what to say so I ended up walking away. Later that day I was called into the social workers office who I knew really well and really liked. She asked me about it and I told her there was no point because I wasn't going to say what happened... I was scared of what might happen to me if I did. I was scared of my father.
After that I was more determined to get through that year. Which I did. I was so happy when I did. I swore to myself and to God after that that I was never going to let my dad hit me again. And I never did. There was a time where he tried and I told him, "Don't even try. If you do or even attempt to I will have no problem calling the cops." And he didn't.

I know that this is kind of long but I felt that I needed to get it out. I needed to get out how my dads name calling got to me and how it turned to emotional and physical abuse and how it affected me and still does. It is hard to get over. I'm still not over it. I still talk to my dad. I still love him... not sure how. But for some reason I haven't been able to forgive him. I'm not sure if I can.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MILLYDALLY 2/12/2014 10:15AM

    I know why it's easy to still love your dad... because at some level we all know how hard it is to control anger and you're a good person and want to believe that others are good too. I'm sure your dad has some redeeming qualities... and a lot of times those that abuse have been abused themselves, and that is why they can't see those boundaries.
I don't know.
I was in an abusive relationship with a boy from 16-20, it was on and off and the physical abuse didn't start until I was about 18, but I know what it's like to love someone who hurts you. I hate to admit it, but some people are just bad. We got to find the good people and stick together. I know it's a different situation for you, and I don't envy that your dad is still in your life, I'm thankful every day that my ex is no longer a part of my life at all. Forgiveness is important, but that doesn't mean allowing yourself to be in the position where he has that power over you again. I have no advice, but only empathy. I hope that writing it out helps you sort it out in your head. In my class I have my students write for 15 minutes 4 days in a row about the same thing,and your mind is supposed to find a way to make sense of it after a while.

Uhg, sorry this reply is so long.

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SUECHAN 2/3/2014 11:11AM

    Carrie, you're right - something like that is hard to get over. But the fact that you are courageous enough to write about it is a great first step. Hugs to you, my friend.

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NUTZ4HARRY 2/2/2014 7:11PM

    I am sorry for what you went through with your father. It is great that you posted it. Sending you virtual hugs!!

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CHAKARA1 2/2/2014 2:41PM

    I loved your blog. Know that you are not alone. I went through a lot of the same things. Forgiveness is difficult, but it has been the most healing thing I ever did. I found that forgiveness is not about the person you forgive, but about the forgiver. When you release all that hurt, anger and bitterness, it takes a weight off your soul. It makes you whole in a way you can't imagine. It is not about having a renewed relationship with that person, it is about having a new relationship with yourself. HUGS I know how difficult that was to write.

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LINDA! 2/2/2014 2:40PM

    What a great grandmother you had. She was wise to know that you can get people to do things if you encourage them.

I have seen men treat their daughters in the way you mentioned. It is emotional abuse. I am so sorry that you had to hear that. Those destructive words that our parents say to us ring in our ears for a lifetime. emoticon

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