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Dangerous weight.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

At my heaviest, I was almost 430 pounds. That was over 6 years ago. But I remember that my grandmother used to say that I'd die before 25 if I stayed that fat. I'm 5'8". So I had a considerable amount of weight. I was around a size 30/32 at avenue. my waist was like 60" or so. You couldn't see my neck. I had nasty black marks on my skin where it rubbed together (my thighs, my underarms, my neck, etc). 6 years ago, my father invited me to move to New York (from South Florida) so that he and his wife could help me lose weight and take care of myself.

After losing weight, then gaining some back, etc, I had a sleeve gastrectomy. A little over 6 months later and I've lost a little over 90 pounds. I weigh 259. That's so insane to me. (I was 353 at the time of surgery).

I keep thinking about my sister (she passed away this July). Why did no one bother to worry about her weight? Why was my family always so concerned about me but no one thought hey let's give Melissa tough love/demand she take care of herself? She smoked, she did some drugs (I don't know how often or how extreme), she was 5'2" and apparently when she died she weighed 373 pounds.

I remember the last time I saw her, last December. She was complaining about body aches, she was falling asleep on the couch. I told my mom I was worried about her. She had very little energy.

She died of a heart attack. I don't understand why no one pushed her like they pushed me. I don't blame anyone else for her death. But I just don't understand. How did I get away with living how I did for so long, why was I given a chance to get better... but she wasn't? And now I have to live the rest of my life without my best friend and closest confidante because she didn't take care of herself.

I don't get it. It sucks.

In other news:

I keep growing more and more confident and I am starting to like how I look- which blows my mind. I fit into and can wear cuter clothes now. This was my outfit yesterday:

I got a lot of compliments, and I am thinking I need to start making an effort to look cute more often

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DAVIS_6311 11/19/2014 7:19AM

    Great outfit! And great job with working hard to lose the weight! Sorry about your sister. Sometimes in life we never get the answers to what bothers us most. emoticon

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EVRLNGFOO 11/11/2014 3:59PM

    looking good!
that is a good question. i'm sorry about your sister and i'm sorry no one reached out to help her. maybe they tried at some point but were unsuccessful?

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FORZACHANDMATT 11/11/2014 11:31AM

    You look beautiful!! I'm so sorry about your sister

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Feeling pretty great lately.

Wednesday, November 05, 2014

I went out on Monday night. I was complimented a lot.

Yesterday I took a bunch of selfies because I was super bored at work.
One of my close friends told me that this picture (and others of me lately) make him think I look like Rose McGowan. I cannot tell you what an ego boost that is to me, because I think she is so freaking gorgeous, and I have since I was like 14. I've WISHED to look like her. And now my friend is telling me he thinks I do. Wow.

I went clothes shopping yesterday, for a pair of yoga pants for exercising, and ended up buying 3 pairs of pants and 3 tops (only spent $40). 1. MY FAT SELF has never bought that many items of clothes for less than $100 a day in my life. Because I've only been able to shop at Lane Bryant, Avenue, or more recently Torrid. So being able to walk into a regular clothing store and buy that many clothes that were marked $5, $3, $14, etc was so exciting. 2. I'm an 18/20. Like, what? I feel like I skipped that size when I was growing up... I might have been wearing a 20 when I was in 7th grade, but I honestly can't remember ever being smaller than a 24. So Even though I've been floating around in 18/20 clothes for a few months now (since like july) It's still a shock to my system.

I'm really beginning to love myself more. I like how I look. I keep taking pictures of my body (and then deleting them) because I can't get over how much LESS of me there is.

Sometimes I don't recognize myself.

OH! and! I checked my BMI today - I know it doesn't matter but I haven't checked it in a while, 39. That means I'm no longer "morbidly" obese. When I got surgery, I was "super" obese. Now I'm just plain old obese. Can't wait til I shrink more and am just "overweight".

It's a really awesome feeling.


One step forward...

Friday, October 31, 2014

You may remember that I tend to whine about my sorry excuse for a love life on here occasionally. Well, the man that I've been pining for pretty hard for the last four years has reared his ugly head again. I'd been doing really well (mostly because I've been distracting myself with a really wonderful boy (yes, boy, he's eleven years younger than me) for the last few months. Well, my weakness finally crossed the line. I think it's because I've been slowly beginning to get over him that the fact that he's hurt me this time just made me say "no, that's enough." He has proven without a doubt that he isn't worthy of my time. So I am actually now at the point that I never want to see him again. Maybe I won't. I guess time will tell.

The boy is, unfortunately, just a friend. And will continue to be just that. I don't think he's interested in knowing me as anything but an extremely casual acquaintance. I cried to my friend about this fact last night.

I don't know why men... love, whatever have such a profound effect on me. I've been pretty single for the last ten years. I don't know that I'm looking for anything more than casual dating right now, but then again, I do want to get married and have a family at some point.

The one who hurt me, I'm so disappointed, because I was so looking forward to the next time I see him, I'm almost 100lbs down from surgery, I'll definitely be there by the time that I was supposed to see him. It wasn't for him. It's never been FOR HIM. But I'm not gonna lie, his reaction was something I was looking forward to seeing. Now I literally never want to look at his face again.

People are so jovial lately. It's fall. It's Halloween. Blah blah blah.
I'm so miserable. I miss my sister so much. I am so angry at this man- like I want to scream at him, I want to tell him off, and I want everyone who knows him to know what a jerk he is. But I'm keeping it in. Because I don't want to be that guy.

My father told me I weigh less than he does now. It's probably the first time since I don't know, middle school that this is the case. My mom said I'm probably smaller than her now. This news makes me feel guilty. Not accomplished. I also don't feel like this is the appropriate way to tell me they're proud. I feel like it's almost accusatory. Or guilt ridden. Which is probably my own insecurity. But there it is.


Things that make me happy.

Monday, October 27, 2014

I have noticed how much easier it is to do a lot of things now that I've been shrinking. I can easily put on socks in the morning. I can cross my legs, sit on my knees for an extended period of time. I can sit comfortably in most chairs, my clothes are all starting to be far too big, even the newer clothes I bought this summer are getting baggy. I think it's important to note that my coordination is getting better, I feel less clumsy/more balanced. I can walk up stairs faster, and usually don't get completely winded (I was sick last week so that's been a bit of a struggle). I have more energy.

I wish my skin weren't so loose. But I am really happy about the results that are happening. I just really want to look better as good as I feel.

Saturday night I ran into an old friend I haven't seen since December. He gushed and gushed about how good I look; that felt awesome.

264lbs. Less than I weighed when I was a freshman in high school. Crazy.

Keep on truckin.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LADYGSC 10/27/2014 1:25PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JAMIRBLAZE 10/27/2014 1:11PM

    emoticon progress! emoticon

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EMMACORY 10/27/2014 12:48PM

    All those NSV will keep you motivated and going. emoticon on how far you have come. emoticon

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Why can't I embrace successes?

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Lots of likes. So many words of encouragement. Lots of people saying ďwow you must feel so greatĒ andÖ

I donít. I donít feel much different (I mean thatís probably not true because over 400lbs me could never do what I do now).

I am disgusted that Iíve lost that much weight and Iím STILL over 100lbs overweight.

Iím disgusted that my body was ever that big and Iím not happy with what I look like right now AT ALL.

Whatís worse is the F***** wings of loose skin on my upper arms and the soft squishy cottage cheese looking skin on my stomach and thighs. my back/upper body is still disgustingly large.

I also hate my fat gigantic sausage fingers.

Itís so frustrating and I wish I loved myself more but I donít. And all of these people telling me how great I am and how Iím inspirational and stuff, I donít deserve that.

Around my heaviest (426)

Two weeks before surgery 353.

about a month ago so eh 280ish?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RITEEBEE 9/25/2014 8:03AM

    I know more words of encouragement and support probably won't help but hunnie you should be proud, very proud! I know the road seems long and you feel like you have so much further to go but you can do it! and look how far you've already come!!

I get a hate on for my loose skin, saggy boobs, strach marks somedays too, so I understand feeling that way, but honestly try not to think of the vanity! Think of how much more you can do!! How much better you feel, how you can fit into smaller clothes and hide those "flaws" with stylish dresses/clothes!

Try to be kind to yourself, you've done something most people wouldn't have the courage to do!!

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CAROL_31649731 9/24/2014 10:47PM

    You DO deserve a lot of credit! This journey is long & hard, and can be so discouraging!!! But you have preserved.

My advice to you: Try to turn the focus onto your health. Look at all your accomplished so far, health-wise . . . I'll bet it's astronomical!!!

My wish for you: Feel good about yourself . . . you should!!! You've worked hard & deserve to feel good about that!!!

I just "happened upon" your blog today. But I'm glad I did, cause it just reminds me that we all struggle with body images & that's tragic. You're special, you're beautiful, and you're unique. Remember that & I hope you believe that one day real soon!

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POSITIVEHOPE 9/24/2014 10:30PM

    I do understand. I've lost 50 and have 50 to go. I realize that I will never get that "perfect" body I always dreamed of having. Being morbidly obese takes a toll on the body that weight loss simply can't pay.
Even so, losing weight has given me more mobility and taken away some everyday aches and pains that kept me glued to the couch. I feel healthier, too. The benefits of losing weight aren't everything we hoped for but it is still worth it.

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MONTREALESTMOI 9/24/2014 10:26PM

    Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither will your ideal body be. Please be sure to put things in perspective--YOU ARE SUCH A SUCCESS AND ARE TRULY BLESSED!

There are so many people who have had strokes and are partially paralyzed WHO WOULD GIVE ANYTHING to have your arms and fingers. There are so many amputees, quadriplegics, blind, deaf, etc. people WHO WISH they could just have half of the opportunity to have what you have right now.

Don't beat yourself up! You are a beautiful person who has accomplished ALOT!

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