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I hate eating...

Wednesday, July 02, 2014

I've very much begun to hate food. I never, ever thought that this would be my post weight loss surgery complication. I have known several people who have had various types of weight loss surgery, none of them seemed to ever lose their love for food. I have.

I would rather drink my nutrients. I know that's probably an option, but blech. it's expensive and time consuming to blend everything... plus i'd probably start hating that too. I can handle my protein shakes. Those are fine. Although, to be honest, the EAS Advant-EDGE ones are my preferred protein drink of choice. I've tried a few others and they're pretty gross in comparison. At least to me- and the Boost ones by Nestle or something- WAY too much sugar! Yuck.

I've been trying to eat like small ready made things, lean pockets and the like, but they started making me feel gross, so this week I bought actual food and started preparing serving sizes. Like chicken. Chicken is safe right? Sure...

Except that I'm carrying around 2-3 ounces of chicken and when i go to eat it, I just hate it. Not the flavor. Not the actual food. I hate the process of eating. I hate chewing my food so much so that it doesn't hurt me on the way down. Because I CAN FEEL IT NOW. I hate the feeling of having food sitting in my stomach. It's uncomfortable. I hate the fact that if I accidentally have one bite too many, I might get sick.

I hate that I vomit a few times a week. I hate that I'd rather not eat but eventually become really hungry and then when I do eat, I make myself sick (see the vomiting a few times a week thing).

I'm tired of the consistency of yogurt or oatmeal, even though both of those are rather safe and don't make me want to vomit...

There's a part of me that stares longingly as I pass chipotle or another former favorite (sushi or pizza, anyone?) but then I think "what even is the point, you'll have 1 or 2 bites and then want to throw up. you can't have that anymore!"

To be fair, I don't feel like I'm missing out. I don't resent having the surgery or the fact that I can't really eat much. I just didn't realize how hard a simple thing like putting food into my body would become.

On the plus side I saw my collarbone today. I've never seen it before. So eh, is food really all that important anyway?! emoticon

Before you think I've got some kind of eating disorder, please know, I am meeting the goals my nutritionist set for me and I do take all of my vitamins and supplements. So I'm fine. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LNISDES 7/2/2014 8:25PM

    I know several people who have had wls and they all went through a lot in the weeks and months immediately afterward. Has your nutritionist suggested a support group for you? You are in NYC, I am sure there are groups there for you. Or look for one on-line, maybe here?
I admire your courage to take hard steps toward positive change, and I hope you find a place where you can feel supported by people who know what you are going through.

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GINNABOOTS 7/2/2014 7:28PM

    My sister had weight loss surgery a year ago and she is just now getting to where she wants certain kinds of food. Mostly she likes yogurt, peanut butter, and her protein bars and shakes. She is also happy she had the surgery, but it hasn't come without some difficulty. She has lost over 100 pounds and looks fantastic.

I hope the sick feeling goes away for you, feeling sick to your stomach isn't any fun.

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Panic Mode

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

To anyone who will read this, I probably sound insane. So let me preface by again saying, I just had weight loss surgery. So it's not as unrealistic as it sounds.

This entire time I've had this idea in my head that I'd be like 60-70lbs lighter (from surgery) by the time I go to Chicago. I was 353lbs when I had surgery. I'm currently right around 300 (I don't have a number. I haven't weighed myself since Saturday, because I know that I'm currently probably experiencing bloating/swelling etc, thanks mother nature!) But I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to be at like 285 when I go to Chicago. When is Chicago? I'm leaving on 7/24. 24 days away. 15-20lbs to lose. In 24 days. I don't believe I'll be hitting that goal.

And I'm disappointed. Which is the STUPIDEST thing. I've lost fifty pounds in ten weeks. that's freaking amazing. but I don't look the way I wanted to. I don't feel how I wanted to feel (blame mother natureagain, i'm incredibly moody and awful right now). But DISAPPOINTMENT is definitely the WRONG response.

plus, who the heck knows what will happen in the next 3 weeks? I could be just being silly.

Hopefully when this week is over, I'll stop being so crazy. Things are going WELL. I need to celebrate my accomplishments instead of being angry at myself for not reaching potentially unrealistic goals.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHELLEBELLE104 7/1/2014 10:25AM

    Well looks like you have been working some right? You can do what you set your mind too... unless it is unrealistic. You are worth working for but don't beat yourself up if you are just shy of your goal. You are worth this. You've got it. Fight! Fight! Fight! Figure out a plan! Look at it and see if it seems realistic. Review it off and on and remember you are a work in progress even if you don't get to that mark and reach it exactly if you lost you lost and you will get there if you continue to push push push. Good luck and hugs. emoticon emoticon

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Feeling a little manic.

Monday, June 30, 2014

I get that during that time of the month, my mood is going to alter, but I really wish I could stabilize it somehow. I feel so angry/sad/frustrated/mad/cranky and it sucks. I had an overall really great weekend, I should be elated. and I should have BEEN elated. I was a cranky witch quite often.

I had a great time with great friends...

I found out my front desk guy that I won't be seeing anymore anyway is actually gay, which caused me to very dramatically cry myself to sleep the other night... As if it would have gone anywhere anyway.

I just really hope that whatever God has planned in the romance department for my future pays off because right now it really, honestly feels like he's having a little too much fun at the expense of my heart.

I have to avoid the scale this week until I'm done because I don't want to see the temporary bloat weight and get discouraged.

This is short and to the point because in case you didn't already catch it, I'm just not in the mood for anything today. Sigh.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STEVEN2GO2 6/30/2014 8:38PM

    emoticon your emotions are all over the place. It is tough with frequent moods, ups and downs, angry, sad, frustrated, and cranky. I too have mood swings and find exercise, deep breathing and prayer good ways to help stabilize the swings. Also instead of dwelling on the mood, if I keep active with something it helps distract me from the negative moods.

God Bless!

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MJRVIC2000 6/30/2014 6:25PM

    Whatsoever a person sows, that shall he./she reap. God Bless YOU! Vic.

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My NEED for interaction!

Thursday, June 26, 2014

I feel like I am constantly seeking company and communication with other people. Maybe I don't get enough. Maybe I'm an attention whore. Maybe I'm being silly. I feel like I live my life on social media. Even when I'm out enjoying plans with friends, I'm taking photos for instagram or checking in on foursquare "Hey everybody! Look how much fun I'm having!" is usually a clear indicator that maybe you're not actually having fun. But I feel like I am most of the time when I'm out- except when I go out alone, which is still enjoyable, just sometimes lonely.

The fact that no one commented on my blog post last night made me sad. Really? No one on SP really knows me and certainly doesn't owe me anything. And yet I was like "huh. why did no one comment? you get points for commenting, after all." I dunno, it's not like it was some profound thing, and yet I wanted the validation that my words were read. I need therapy.

My ear is bugging the crap out of me, I made an appointment with an ENT to get that fixed.

I'm so excited about all of my upcoming plans this weekend.

And I'm getting sad that 1. The man downstairs that I'm smitten over doesn't care or isn't picking up that vibe, 2. I won't see him anymore after tomorrow anyway. But he's too young for me anyway so I need to stop.

I weighed myself this morning but it was incredibly inconsistent. I think my scale is on the outs. I weighed myself multiple times to make sure and it showed 3 different weights each time so I said "Screw it, i'll try again tomorrow"

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LMGMILLER 6/26/2014 6:37PM

    I get that you want people to feel that your experiences matter. You may be out there having lots of fun doing basic things but you want people to share in the joy you get from them. Making plans with People gives you something to look forward too I find I need that a lot now because I have been unemployed for a few months now. I also get the getting on the scale more than once you want to know your getting the true number.

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Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Do vericose veins go away as you lose weight? I have this funky one on my left leg. I hate it so much.

When am I going to start losing my hair and how serious will it be? (apparently it's a common thing with WLS, but I have a ton of thick awesome hair so I haven't been stressing but maybe I should).

If I meet my daily protein goals, does it matter if I'm super under calories? Like my nutrition tracker on here does not take WLS into account. I'm definitely not starving. But I have only hit over 1200 3 times this week. average is in the 900 calorie range.

that BMR thing says that my body burns 2600 calories per day doing nothing. This on top of how much I walk (about 5miles each day) and any additional exercise, no wonder I'm losing weight so quickly... I'm happy with that, hope it continues for as long as possible.

I gave the hot security guy my card for my radio show... so technically he now has all of my contact info. We've been talking a lot more often. Sucks that I'm going to lose him on friday. Also he said he's going back to school in september. at first i thought that meant like "i'm going to pursue higher education bc it's been a while and i want to finish a degree" but then i realized... he might be like 21 or 22 and going back to school when his semester starts up again. It would figure that I'd be so smitten and he'd have the fatal flaw of being too young for me. Oh well. I tried.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIKITAMI 6/27/2014 1:40PM

I don't think the veins will go away, I've had the same one from a field hockey accident for 30 years.

Yes the calories matter, they matter very much. If you are going too low then your body will go into starvation mode (even if you don't feel hungry) and will do everything it can to hold onto the fat it has stored. It will make long term weight loss extremely hard.

A young guy was sweet to you, enjoy it for what it was. A nice guy. They do exist, I promise. I married one of them. :)

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