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Why? Really.

Sunday, May 04, 2014


Today Iíll count my calories, get in 30 minutes of exercise, and use a short walk around our block when the kids get to me.

I have to find a balance. I get uncomfortable, sort of freaked out, by looking good and attracting male attention. I need to work on that piece. I donít have to date. I donít. Itís a great feeling to be able to move freely, to have body confidence. Strength, power. I deserve those feelings. Iím worthy.

It feels like it comes down to feeling at fault for being victimized. I know thatís total bs when it comes to being a child victim. The realities are complicated. I cared for the man as a father. Wanted positive attention and affection. I got plenty of negative scary attention like the other kids. Yelling, hitting, hurtful words. It was a scary environment. Momís state of mind didnít help, but of course she was in victim mode as well. The point is, I didnít want the bad attention, feared and hated it.

Iím not mom. As an adult, it took me awhile, but I got out and didnít go back. Weíre not living a comfortable life financially, and that gets to me. But itís a price to be paid for living on our own. And we are so much better off than others. I donít handle my finances well because I feel guilty about putting the kids in this situation. But, we are so much better off. No violence or fear in this home.

There is no violence or fear in this home. Thatís what my goal has been. Itís an important thing to me. The kids donít know it. They havenít lived the fear, and Iím glad for that. But acknowledging it means I can start letting go of the grief and guilt.

Weíre not affluent. I didnít provide the house with the yard and the tree house. My biggest fault is feeling guilty about that and trying to make it up to them. They get something so many kids donít, safety. Yes, there are safe kids, loved kids, fortunate kids. But I needed to keep them safe in a way that made sense to me.

And I did that. We have other challenges. The kids will probably spend their adulthoods avoiding the mistakes I made. But they grew up loved. And safe from abusers.

So letís celebrate that. Iíll celebrate that. Iím a good mom in the way that mattered to me. It took so much energy. Really. I think partly because I wasnít always conscious of what I was doing. So, anytime I got close to wanting to date, allowing a man into our lives, there was an undercurrent that I wasnít even aware was influencing me. If I let a man in, he might fool me and end up being bad, hurt the kids. So I couldnít. How would I know if heíd be good or bad? I made mistakes with previous relationships. I could be fooled.

And part of me wanted to date, to have care and sex and the possibility of a loving companion. Iíve missed that. I mourn the future without the comfort of a love who could accept me as the aging woman I am, warts and all.

Thatís why Iíve been confused about my feelings about my ex. He was my adult abuser. And I loved him, completely, deeply. I still feel that love. Do I feel it because Iím still confusing abuse with love? Good question. Do I feel it because weíre connected by first love, by a true connection? I have no doubt he would dominate me again. Iíd be angry and miserable by the conflict. Tenderness and abuse. Such a horrible potent combination. He rejected me. He was cruel, comparing me to other lovers, rejecting me when I put on weight.

Funny. Weight that put distance between us and in a way, protected me from him. As it protects me from other men.

Do I need that protection? If I maintain awareness, I wonít go back to my ex. If I maintain awareness, can I protect myself from other male abusers?

I didnít protect myself from my last boss. Different relationship as he was my boss, but he was so like my ex. Unpredictable, kind, mean, controlling.

I have to be stronger, physically as it is symbolic as well as tangible, financially, as I canít lean on a man for that, it truly puts me in a position of weakness. And I have to be strong emotionally, aware of what I feel and how it influences my behavior.

To start, I need to feel better, stronger, physically. That is a huge part of me. I was onto something when I wanted to build strength to change my self perception from victim to capable. So thatís the first thing.

I donít have to date as I thin down. I donít trust myself to make good choices yet. Thatís OK.
If I ever go there again, I want tenderness and compassion.

But first, I need to be tender and compassionate with myself.


And one more time, with feeling!

Sunday, May 04, 2014

I've been a lurker for a long time here. I've lost weight, and put it back on. I've been inspired my amazing people on sparkpages. I still feel a pull to check on my buds, even if they haven't heard from me in a very long time. And I always come back.

Getting to the core of why I don't take care of myself by being healthy, maintaining a healthy weight, treating my body with the respect I want from others, has been confusing.

My favorites here on sparkpeople, have been those who can share their thoughts and feelings honestly, even if the feelings are deep and raw, maybe especially.

So I'm back. I am feeling the need to share. Somehow it feels more substantial if I don't try to hide my process. And really, I don't know that I could do this if any if you were the folks I faced in person each day.

So today, there will be two posts, with the second being of the raw sort as I delve into the emotions behind the weight. I hope anyone who chooses to read the second might be able to relate in the way I've felt understood when I read someone else's raw post.

Carpe diem. With love and respect and gratitude.


New Life, Old Issues, and Some Chchchanges

Sunday, November 11, 2012

We're living in a new city, adjusting to new schools, new everything, and a full time job for this mom, after working part time for many years.

We love being in southern California. We're near my year old grandson, and his beautiful mama and super cool daddy. We really like our new place, a bit more spacious than we're accustomed to, in a pretty neighborhood. The kids like the new schools, and are making friends.

My new job is stressful, as only a new job can be. And I don't know yet if it's going to be a good fit. I'm thinking maybe not. But I'm glad to have a job and have made the move I wanted to make.

And now, no drum roll necessary, I've put on weight again. Okay. I know what I did, stress eating, yada, yada, yada. I wouldn't go back and change much. I finished my degree, my daughter is healthy and happy. We're in a good place. And if my weight gain was part of the price I chose to pay, so be it.

And now I'm ready to face it. I want the same things I've always wanted. Flexibility, strength, energy. I'd like to fit in my clothes better. I'd like to be more slim. But mostly, I'd like to feel better.

I walk several blocks before and after work to and from the trolley. It's not enough. I need to start spending some time each morning, easing back into the strength training and yoga I know I need. Then I can work more cardio.

I know better than to try to jump into an hour each morning. Easing in, 15 minutes in a time. is my best approach. Every work morning. Routine is my friend. Weekends can be for the little hikes and fun things I want to do to explore our new home town.

I'll work in the healthier eating I need, but my focus this week will be the mini workouts. Start small, the rest will come along. So, tomorrow morning, up and out of bed by 5:30. No snooze, no excuses. My gift to myself for the day.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUTHXG 11/12/2012 12:38AM

    Oh wow--I had no idea you were facing such a HUGE move & life change! Really glad you have so much good news. Especially that your daughter is doing well! Huzzah for being close to your grandson too!

I hope your job works out after all, or that you're able to find another one that suits you better. In the meantime, yes--let's get healthy!


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Less Sugar - More Walking!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I'm making verrry slow progress - but I'm ok with that. I walked a 5K last weekend. I wasn't fast, but I stuck with it and I feel good about it. I've been having a fair amount of pain in my joints, and have been trying to sort out aging issues from lifestyle isues. I've had some inflammation, so I read a bit about how to address that. One of the factors that stuck out for me was sugar.

Of course I've heard about the evils of sugar, but I do have a sweet tooth! And before this year, I didn't really see a negative effect from sugar, aside from calorie and weight issues. That's changed. So I'm cutting way down, avoiding sweets. I know I get sugar in some of the processed foods I eat, but I'm taking in a lot less sugar for now. And I feel far less achy. It's a powerful change for me, I feel good about it.

So here's to my first 5K , the new spring, and gentle changes!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUTHXG 3/27/2012 5:47PM

    Hurray for your first 5K--great job!

And it's positively WONDERFUL that diminishing sugar is helping to diminish your achiness! emoticon

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It's All Good

Friday, February 10, 2012

Okay - here goes! I'm ready to start with some realistic goals and rewards. I went to a WW meeting this morning, and when I opened up my weekly pamphlet, I saw a picture of a jar with dollar bills and a label with a goal/reward statement. I've been casting about, wanting to come up with a tangible reward for manageable goals.

Now, on one hand it semes silly that I'd be paying myself to meet my goals, but the jar would work as a visual reminder of what I'm doing, and the money would be an indulgence to be spent on fun things, not necessities.

My goals are geared towards support and recognition of good habits, as opposed to pounds lost. I'm using tracking my food and getting workouts in as the goals to be rewarded. If I track my food and workout, the weight will be lost. And rewarding the habits feels more Rewarding! The scale is fickle, but habits can be made constant (and constantly rewarded!).

This is my new starting point. As an extra fun coincidence, I met an old friend at the WW meeting this morning, and we've happily agreed to be WW buddies. We went for a great walk after the meeting (she's a fast walker!) and plan on making that a regular thing.

I'm busy, busy these days, but feel more at peace about being on a good path. What more could I ask?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUTHXG 2/12/2012 10:12PM

    This is really great! The accumulation of dollar bills will be a very visual reminder of the changes that you're making--& it will be such fun to look forward to what you'll get to buy with it.

My friend, you have your head on very straight. emoticon

Also, wonderful that you have a new WW buddy! emoticon

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