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SUZYHOMEMAKER65's Recent Blog Entries

Not Much To Say Today

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sitting here thinking of what earth shattering epiphany I can blog today and I got nothing. I am still fat, still eating badly, still feeling like crap, and so tired. We are spending the day at MIL's house today. Fun, fun, fun.


DeNile not just a river in Egypt

Thursday, September 17, 2009

So today was a busy day but I started out by looking at other blogs here on Sparks. One in particular caught my interest. This woman just came right out and said "I am fat" and spoke directly to her oglers, mockers, and lookers of disgust in her blog entries. I was captivated by her honesty when describing the facts of her fatness. She wasn't being down on herself or negative self talking. She was just talking facts. That got me thinking for a bit this morning. Normally, I wouldn't say I was in denial about my fatness. I know I am fat, as this woman also said in her blog. I know I am classified as morbidly obese and there is a lot of evidence to prove this fact. Yet I avoid acknowledging this fact. I don't look in mirrors, I don't let my picture be taken, and when people stare I insist to myself that it isn't because of my fatness. On occasion when I do let myself be seen in the mirror or in a photo I can't believe that it is me. I know it is just like I know I am fat but somehow it all stops on the surface. I try not to let my physical limitations from being fat slow me down just because I am fat so I push harder to prove that I am not "one of those lazy fat women". But I am tired and my body hurts and I can't keep up. No one knows that it takes me days to recover after a public display of activity like planning and executing the BBQ or doing PTA volunteer stuff. I overeat mostly when alone so not even my closest family knows how much I can put away. Even my husband says that I don't eat that much. So I have come to the conclusion that I am a poser, a fake, in disguise. I am in denial. In denial of the largest part of me (no pun intended). In denial of the thing that is with me every day, every minute of every day, every second. How bizarre this epiphany seems to me. I don't know exactly what I am to do with it but it is out there. That will have to suffice for now.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YOGABELLE 9/18/2009 1:03PM

    Wow..powerful...sure hit home. Bella

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NORAKENO 9/18/2009 1:44AM

    Glad you stumbled across a blog that made you think. You really are headed in the right direction. I think we all deny our size until forced to face the reality. The good news is that you recognize the denial and now the hard work begins ... facing the facts and setting your head straight with reality. It certainly won't be easy but it darn sure will be worth it!

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Another Day, Another Blog Entry

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Again answers. Just more questions. I went grocery shopping for Ryan so that he could have all of the tools available to succeed at becoming healthier. So why is it so much easier to help him than it is to help myself? The new season of the Biggest Loser started last night. I watched, I cried, and I ate. I ate dinner watching the show because I had a PTA meeting that ran late. There I sat with 2 grilled chicken breasts and a ton of whole wheat pasta salad laden with mayo. What the F is wrong with me? I couldn't be happy with just grilled chicken and whole wheat pasta. I had to add the mayo. I couldn't be happy with one chicken breast and one serving of pasta. This is how eating has been going every day. I can't stop. The worse for me the better. Why? I don't think I want to die. At least I don't feel like ending it all so why am I killing myself with food? And that is exactly what I am doing. It is getting harder and harder for me to get around. This aches and that hurts. So many reasons to make a change. What's the problem? Today I have not eaten badly. I ate breakfast with Ryan. went shopping, and had a Lean Cuisine for lunch. We'll see.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NORAKENO 9/17/2009 8:12AM

    I know it's hard. You have to make choices all day long. It's a struggle. You can do it. Hang in there. I don't have answers, either. I don't know why it has to be so darn hard, but it is. emoticon

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DIANE7786 9/16/2009 8:37PM

    I think you're making progress by blogging. Many people take baby steps toward a healthy lifestyle and that's okay. The important thing is to keep moving forward by doing your best each day and not getting upset about backslides.

Comment edited on: 9/16/2009 8:46:09 PM

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Why am I Killing Myself Slowly Each and Every Day?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I don't know is the answer. I have so many things that should be motivating me to be healthier and yet every day I am binging on whatever I can find. I've written this sh*t before over and over again. Past attempts at blog entries will show it. I have high blood pressure, high triglycerides, take tons of meds every day but that doesn't do it either. My son had a physical the other day and is 50 pounds overweight. The doctor really drove home that he needs to eat healthier. So I put him on Sparkteens so he can track his foods and exercise. I help him make better choices and although I should set an example and do this with him I don't. As soon as he isn't looking I am looking for eats. I've been there with all this stuff too. So what am I looking for with this blog today? I don't know is the answer. I need an answer.


Learning From Mistakes

Friday, May 05, 2006

I have been so out of control for the past two days and my goal says:
If faced with a mistake, failure or tough situation, think of two lessons to learn from the experience.
1. I am hurting myself. I am holding in my feelings and stuffing them down with food. I am angry about something and punishing myself for it.
2. I have the power not to overeat and to take out my frustrations in a more constructive manner.

Next time I feel the urge to overeat I will try to take a step back and think about the better thing to do.


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