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A Dose Of Reality

Sunday, July 25, 2010

The other day, I was so depressed. I didn't feel as if I were doing enough to help my health or my goals for weight loss. I felt as if it was all for not and maybe I should just give up. I realized that this wasn't a healthy thing to feel and went to bed to meditate on the reality of why I was feeling this way and just why I was setting myself up for failure with those thoughts.

Maxx (my significant other, otherwise known as Dreygan) realized there was something going on with me and crawled into bed to comfort me. When I poured out my emotions to him... He was extremely supportive and he opened my eyes to just what was really happening with me. He asked me one simple question. 'How much weight have you lost in these two weeks?' I answered him with honesty. I told him that I had lost 10 lbs.

The room was quiet for a long time before he spoke. There was a smile in his voice as he said to me: "In two weeks you have lost 10 lbs. Do you realize just how amazing that is? Obviously, there is something in your own mind telling you that it's not good enough. That you're not good enough. But I want you to know that I love you. I want you to know that I am proud of you."

A smile started to creep back on my face as he continued. "So, 10 lbs in two weeks is 20 lbs a month. You want to lose 140 lbs in over a year. So, if you keep going at this rate... You will have lost 280 lbs in the time that you want to lose this weight. Hunny, you'll be NEGATIVE 10 lbs! You're going to waste away to nothing."

I should tell you that Maxx is a very logical thinker. He opened my eyes to the fact that not only am I doing well but I'm ahead of schedule with my goals. Just because *I* feel like crap about what is happening to my body doesn't mean that I am doing poorly. It just means that I am expecting too much from my own self. I'm expecting perfection when there is no way in hell I will ever be able to achieve that perfection and be healthy at the same time.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LAURELSPARK 9/25/2010 5:58PM

    Keep up the good work. It might seem like you have just scratched the surface but you are working on developing good habits, and that's what will make the difference in the long run.


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TRACYDUKA 7/31/2010 4:21PM

    You're doing great! And you have such an awesome fella who can be supportive of you and is able to pull you from your doldrums. 10lbs in 2 weeks. *L* And here I was EXCITED over my 4.3lb loss for the month! *L* I'd say that you're doing everything right. Good going to you for your efforts and good going to your Maxx for his loving and wise way. :)

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FIZZYBALL 7/31/2010 3:10PM

    10 pds in 2 weeks is has taking well over one month to lose 10 pds....keep up the good work and we will be at ur goal weight before you know it... emoticon

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CASI_MARIPOSA 7/26/2010 9:14AM

    What a sweetheart :) I'm glad he helped you feel better. I know sometimes it's hard to pay attention to how far you've come when all you can think about is how far you have to go, but that's when the support of our partners, families and friends will help pull us through. Keep thinking positive!

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LOSE4GOODMN 7/26/2010 2:57AM

    Great blog! Very inspirational!! I am so glad that someone was able to talk to you and help you to see how well you were doing. So often, we are our own worst enemy when we allow those types of thoughts to dwell in our mind. We can't afford to give those thoughts any place in our life right now. And I am so glad that you were able to fight them off with the help of someone else!! Way to go!!


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LOU1DAY 7/25/2010 7:00PM

    10 pounds in two weeks is definitely good news!

And, as a variation on the old comment goes, "How much would you have lost in two weeks if you weren't here on Spark?" You've lost the pounds because you've made a dedicated effort! Keep it up!

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JMCADE 7/25/2010 6:24PM

    Great job by your Maxx. You should be really pleased with your progress and happier still that you have so much support. You can do this.

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BELLALUCIA 7/25/2010 6:17PM

    Hey doll! 10lbs in 2 weeks is awesome! Good for you! I wanna lose nearly 200lbs in 16mths or less.

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    I'm so glad you have someone so supportive to lean on in these moments. I too have been struggling these past couple of weeks and at times just feel like I have given up. But then something like this happens and I too realize that I am not doing so bad, and I can do this. You are doing great! Keep up the good work, we can accomplish anything we put our minds to!


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NEWSTART127 7/25/2010 5:33PM

    Gabby, I'm really glad that Maxx made you open your eyes to ALL you have accomplished in a VERY short amount of time. You're doing awesome! And those 10 pounds MAKE a difference!

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AIMEEKIWI 7/25/2010 4:52PM

    Gabby this is amazing. Thank you for sharing it with us here in the interwebs. You're doing so well. It's inspiring. It's awesome that you have someone there to support you through everything like that. Never give up! And, lighten up on yourself a little. I know, I'm one to talk there, but still. 10 pounds in 2 weeks is AMAZING! You are amazing.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BARBARASDIET 7/25/2010 4:49PM

    You are very fortunate to have that kind of support! Hold onto that boy. And 10 pounds in two weeks is much faster than you need to go--but it is amazing!

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The Hard Way

Saturday, July 17, 2010

I have been overweight for the majority of my life. I believe the last time I was at a 'skinny' weight was when I was 10. My weight has fluctuated for so long that I thought the 'yo-yo' was a normal thing. Of course, I exaggerate about the yo-yo. I know it's not healthy for you to do that to your body. However, I will say that I have gained considerable weight over the last 10 years. It's been a slow process but it's gained up on me. And now here I am... Trying to lose it all.

However, it's not just a battle with the weight. It's also a battle with my emotional self. For years I have put up the barrier that said: "I'm fat! I'm a bitch! And I love myself!" While it was true on most days, there were days that I looked in the mirror and was thoroughly disgusted with myself. In fact, I would avoid mirrors so that I could keep my facade in place. This was my armor, after all. However, the scale told me something else a little more than a week ago. It told me that I was eating myself to death.

So I chose to make a change. I was going to get healthy and stay healthy. I was changing my life and changing the way I thought. I went through the house and got rid of all the food that was terrible for Dreygan and I. We bought a new scale to verify that we were getting the right results. We began cleaning out our lives. I was ready and rarin' to go.

Then there was Thursday. I started to feel a little down. I had stepped on the scale (like I do every morning... I know, bad choice!) and saw that I was up 0.3 lbs. I began to fear that all this change was doing nothing for me. All these changes that I had made were for naught. I didn't work out but I did stay in my caloric goal ranges. I was still doing alright.

Then yesterday... I did very well for the first half of the day but when the sun went down, I lost more and more willpower. I went over my caloric range and still wanted more. I wanted to feed this depression with potato chips and chocolate. I wanted to drown it in Pepsi and heavily sugared coffee. I wanted this skinny little bitch in me to be suffocated with the amount of food that I could shove down my gullet.

I held back. And I broke. I cried heavily for a long time. Dreygan couldn't make me feel better (and I know that it hurts him when he can't help me when I am in pain). I couldn't make me feel better. I was wallowing in misery. And while I know that one day is not the end of the world, it seemed it to me. And in some ways, it still seems it. I know that I shouldn't weigh myself everyday and that I can get obsessed with numbers on the scale... Well, maybe I am already obsessed. I need something measurable to show that what I am doing is worth it. I need something concrete to verify that what I am doing is working.

This brings me to my next thought. What am I going to be like when I plateau? What am I going to feel then when I look on the scale and see absolutely no change for a week or more? I don't want to be on this emotional roller coaster. I don't like feeling helpless and alone. Because, you see, my weight loss is emotional, physical and even spiritual in some ways. And now I just have to figure out how to balance everything.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ZUZUMARIE 7/20/2010 1:23PM

    You will plateau babe. And it will suck. And this journey is so dang emotional. It is hard. But when you are up..when you have it all together and your eating and water and exercise is going's magic. The weight will come off. It's really hard. And really worth it. We can do this.

What a great blog post.

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NEWSTART127 7/19/2010 1:35AM

    emoticonToss your scale out the window right now! If you can, just get on it once a week. Day to day fluctuations will make you insane... weekly, same time, same place, same state (before you drink, nekkid and after you potty!) and just go with that! If you're doing MOST things right MOST of the time, you should see results!

And this is a VERY emotional journey. And honestly, I've found that it gets MORE emotional the futher you go along... so find ways to work through it. Talking, exercising, Sparking, sunlight, journaling... whatever works for you.


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I'm so very proud of you for not giving into that craving. It's something I know I'm going to have a hard time with and I think we all do. You have my number sweetheart: don't be afraid to call me if you get to one of these points again and you just need someone to vent to. I love you and hope today is going to be better for you.



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MEMISH 7/17/2010 11:31PM

    I can really relate to your posting. I have also no memories of being thin although I have seen pictures of me (under the age of 10) & I was skinny. You are stronger than you think & you can do this. Plateau's will happen & you just have to keep focused & rely on us for help. Best of luck to you.

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SULAINA 7/17/2010 10:24PM

    We have to take baby steps and realize it didn't come on over night and it will take a while to get rid of it. I am just like you when it comes to working soo hard to change my way of eating and then not seeing a change or just seeing a small change. We have to make our minds up that it isn't about the # on the scale.. it is how we feel. I gave in to temptations today and I felt horrible within minutes of doing that... and it lasted for a few hours. My body tells me what it really wants when I have energy and little pain.
I just want you to know you re not the only one out there with these feelings.
Keep your head up.. and keep doing what you are doing.. you will see results!
emoticon emoticon
BTW congrats for holding back!!

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JSCHARF 7/17/2010 3:23PM

    Thanks for your post. The hardest thing for me was to keep coming back after a setback. Even when I was not doing well, I would still log in and get support. I keep reminding myself that this is a lifestyle change, and my weight may go up and down, but I am learning things for a lifetime of good health. Good luck! emoticon

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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I will ROAR... Will you ROAR too???

R - Refuse to Quit

O - Overcome all obstacles

A - Account for all of my actions

R - Reach all of my goals!

Re-post in your blog if you'll ROAR with me!!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AKJADE 7/16/2010 3:34PM

    This is great! ROAR!!!

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STARLIGHT409 7/14/2010 1:31PM

    We can do this!

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TIGGER1992 7/14/2010 10:51AM

    ROAR!! emoticon

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DOLPHINNUT 7/14/2010 10:25AM


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NEWSTART127 7/13/2010 10:51PM

    Oh, I love it!!!
ROAR!!! emoticon

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SULAINA 7/13/2010 10:25PM

We can do this!

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Day 1 of the BLC

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Biggest Loser Challenge at 30 Somethings w/ 100+ Lbs to Lose
is on! Maxx (Dreygan) and I joined up and are on opposing teams. It's not only fostering friendly competition but allowing us to really work toward our goals for our teams. We want to beat each other. We want to support each other.

Our whole lives have changed in a matter of days and the Challenge comes on the heels of this change. We're still working at it and it is slow going but that change is there. We've gotten rid of all the food in the house that would bring us down (Did you know that Kraft Mac & Cheese has like 400 calories per serving?!) and stocked up on healthy alternatives. This is not to say that we haven't left some snacky stuff in the house... we've just picked options that would be better for us in the long run. We're re-training our bodies. We're learning the proper portions. We're balancing nutrients and actually enjoying the challenge of it all.

And now, here I am. On just one step in this journey. I'm working hard and I know that it will pay off. Now! To go get the house clean.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWSTART127 7/13/2010 1:57AM

    So glad to have you with us CRUSHING the pounds! Awesome that you cleaned up the pantry and are learning to find healthy alternatives! emoticon

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    Sounds like you have made some great steps and choices to a healthier you! I was shocked when I discovered how many calories Kraft Mac N' Cheese has in it. I discovered that my first week of tracking my food. It is amazing all the little things you learn along this road to be healthy. The BLC sounds like fun, I'm sure you will do great! Keep up the good work!


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