Monday, August 13, 2012
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up.
What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I was going to lay that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or, we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was, it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, you didn't know!!!
You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids"! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you, you watched his hairstyle!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... D'ya hear what I'm saying!?!
We had to wait ALL WEEK!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled!
You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
The two inventors of the bungee rope went to Spain to test their invention. They built a 50-foot tower and, once completed, one of the guys stood on the edge of the platform and dove into the air with the rope tied to his feet. The other guy, standing up on the platform, waited until his friend returned up so that he could grab him. The first time his friend sprung up, he tried to grab him but missed and noticed that his head was swollen. The next time, he missed again and again there was a bruise on his head and face. This time, with much concern, he dove forward to get his partner, pulled him in and asked, "What happened? Is the cord too long?" His partner replied with his face all bloody, "What is piñata?"
Sunday, August 12, 2012
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Marie Antoinette is reported to have said 'Qu'ils mangent de la brioche'.
When French bakers ran out of bread, they were obliged to sell brioche to the needy at the same price as bread. So that when Marie Antoinette was allegedly told that the peasants had no bread, she merely indicated that they should be able to eat brioche... translated as 'cake'. This would indicate she failed to understand (or had not been told) that there was no flour for making that either. The phrase, meaning 'Let them eat cake', has been misinterpreted over the years, giving the impression that Marie-Antoinette was cruel and uncaring for the common people.
Although it is traditionally attributed to Queen Marie Antoinette of France from 1789, it is now doubted that she actually said it, as it is also attributed to the earlier Queen, Marie-Thérèse - about 100 years earlier in a different crisis. And it appears that what she actually said was "let them eat pastry". In 1766, Jean-Jacques Rousseau wrote that he was quoting the famous saying of "a great princess", which was incorrectly attributed to Marie Antoinette. She couldn't have made the statement because, in 1766, she was only 11 years old.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
1. Thomas Reed vs Henry Clay
Clay: I would rather be right than be president.
Reed: The gentleman need not trouble himself, he'll never be either.
2. Winston Churchill vs Lady Astor
Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee.
Churchill: Nancy, if you were my wife I'd drink it.
3. Abraham Lincoln vs Stephen Douglas after Douglas called him "two faced" during a debate"
"I leave it to my audience. If I had another face, so you think I would wear this one?"
4. Calvin Coolidge vs an Opera Singer
Audience member: What do you think of the singer's execution?
Coolidge: I'm all for it.
5. Pierre Trudeau vs Richard Nixon upon hearing that Nixon had called him an a__hole.
"I've been called wor4se things by better men."
6. James McNeill Whistler vs Oscar Wilde aft5er Whistler had made a particularly witty observation.
Wilde: I wish I had said that.
Whistler: You will, Oscar, you will.
7. Bill Clinton vs Dan Quayle after Quayle revealed that he planned to be a "pit bull" in the 1992 campaign against Clinton & Gore.
"That's got every fire hydrant in American worried."
8. Reverend Edward Everett Hale vs the U.S. Senate when asked if he prayed for the Senators.
"No, I look at the Senators and pay for the country."
9. Edna Ferber vs Noel Coward who was remarking that Ferber was wearing a tailored suit.
Coward: You look almost like a man.
Ferber: So do you.
10. Winston Churchill vs a Member of Parliament
MP: Mr Churchill, must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?
Churchill: No, it's purely voluntary.
11. Calvin Coolidge vs a lady at a White House dinner
Woman: Mr. Coolidge, I've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you.
Coolidge: You lose.
12. Groucho Marxvs a contestant on "You Bet Your Life" after the contestant revealed that he was a father of 10.
Groucho: Why so many children?
Contestant: Well, Groucho, I love my wife.
Groucho: I love myu cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
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