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Great Come-backs by some of history's most famous people

Saturday, August 11, 2012

1. Thomas Reed vs Henry Clay
Clay: I would rather be right than be president.
Reed: The gentleman need not trouble himself, he'll never be either.

2. Winston Churchill vs Lady Astor
Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee.
Churchill: Nancy, if you were my wife I'd drink it.

3. Abraham Lincoln vs Stephen Douglas after Douglas called him "two faced" during a debate"
"I leave it to my audience. If I had another face, so you think I would wear this one?"

4. Calvin Coolidge vs an Opera Singer
Audience member: What do you think of the singer's execution?
Coolidge: I'm all for it.

5. Pierre Trudeau vs Richard Nixon upon hearing that Nixon had called him an a__hole.
"I've been called wor4se things by better men."

6. James McNeill Whistler vs Oscar Wilde aft5er Whistler had made a particularly witty observation.
Wilde: I wish I had said that.
Whistler: You will, Oscar, you will.

7. Bill Clinton vs Dan Quayle after Quayle revealed that he planned to be a "pit bull" in the 1992 campaign against Clinton & Gore.
"That's got every fire hydrant in American worried."

8. Reverend Edward Everett Hale vs the U.S. Senate when asked if he prayed for the Senators.
"No, I look at the Senators and pay for the country."

9. Edna Ferber vs Noel Coward who was remarking that Ferber was wearing a tailored suit.
Coward: You look almost like a man.
Ferber: So do you.

10. Winston Churchill vs a Member of Parliament
MP: Mr Churchill, must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?
Churchill: No, it's purely voluntary.

11. Calvin Coolidge vs a lady at a White House dinner
Woman: Mr. Coolidge, I've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you.
Coolidge: You lose.

12. Groucho Marxvs a contestant on "You Bet Your Life" after the contestant revealed that he was a father of 10.
Groucho: Why so many children?
Contestant: Well, Groucho, I love my wife.
Groucho: I love myu cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ILOVETOCRUISE 8/14/2012 7:40AM

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CJSARGENT1 8/11/2012 6:48PM

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MISSDAISY23 8/11/2012 3:32PM

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JEANSHEP2 8/11/2012 12:51PM

    Loved it!!!

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ALICERIEGER 8/11/2012 11:07AM

    Good ones

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13610511 8/11/2012 10:31AM

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HELEN_BRU 8/11/2012 10:12AM

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COACHPENNY 8/11/2012 9:03AM

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ATLTRAINR 8/11/2012 6:03AM

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EOWYN2424 8/11/2012 4:28AM

    LOL!

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Camping Tips

Friday, August 10, 2012

Q. What equipment will I need to go camping?

A. You need a tent. Tent sizes are measured in units of men, as in "a three-man tent"; this tells you how many men are required to erect the tent if they are all professional tent engineers. Even then, the tent will collapse under unusual weather conditions, such as nightfall. You will also need a hatchet, for the spiders, and a credit card, for the motel.

Q. Where should I go camping?

A. The United States has a spectacular national park system with millions of unspoiled acres where wildlife is protected by federal laws. Avoid these places. You want a commercial facility with a name like "The Stop 'n' Squat Kountry Kamp-ground," where large animals cannot fit through the 6-inch gaps between the Winnebagos.

Q. How much food should I take?

A. A lot. You'll be providing food not only for your family, but also for the entire raccoon community. When I was a boy in rural Armonk, our garbage cans were regularly terrorized by a gang of brilliant criminal raccoons. I recall being awakened at 3 a.m. by loud noises and looking out the window to see, by moonlight, my father, a peace-loving Presbyterian minister, charging around in the bushes, wildly swinging a baseball bat and saying non-Presbyterian words.

Of course, he did not get the raccoons; you NEVER get the raccoons.

Q. What if I get lost?

A. If you don't have a compass, stand very still and listen very carefully, until you hear this sound: "eh-eh-eh." That is Canada. Whatever you do, don't go that way.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRSVK11 8/10/2012 5:24PM

    That is hilarious...Definitely avoid Canada... the bears up here love imported food emoticon

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MISSDAISY23 8/10/2012 3:23PM

    emoticon

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BIGBOYTRI 8/10/2012 1:19PM

    SOOOO true!

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TISTEN23 8/10/2012 11:04AM

    HAHAHA!!! Thats great!!!!

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COACHPENNY 8/10/2012 10:00AM

    I will add.......never get to the campground before dark. This will be an assurance of more non-Presbyterian words and mosquito bites in places you can't imagine. The next morning, thanks will be given for the narrow margin between peaceful slumber and the drop off into the lake you missed by a grass blade. emoticon

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BEARGODDESS 8/10/2012 9:38AM

    emoticon emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 8/10/2012 8:40AM

    Thsnk you for the valuable advice. lol

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ATLTRAINR 8/10/2012 5:18AM

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ALIHIKES 8/10/2012 3:44AM

    I loved this! LOL

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HELEN_BRU 8/10/2012 1:00AM

    I'm Canadian so I love the last one! lol

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NAYPOOIE 8/10/2012 12:38AM

    yeah, that first answer is right on.

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SARAALINE 8/10/2012 12:24AM

    LOLOLOLOL!!!!! As an avid camper and lover of sleeping in tents, the answer to the first question is right on target.

Comment edited on: 8/10/2012 12:24:58 AM

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OXYMORONS

Thursday, August 09, 2012

- State worker
- Legally drunk
- Exact estimate
- Act naturally
- Found missing
- Resident alien
- Genuine imitation
- Airline Food
- Good grief
- Government organization
- Sanitary landfill
- Alone together
- Small crowd
- Business ethics
- Soft rock
- Butt Head
- Military Intelligence
- Sweet sorrow
- Rural Metro (ambulance service)
- "Now, then ..."
- Passive aggression
- Clearly misunderstood
- Peace force
- Extinct Life
- Plastic glasses
- Terribly pleased
- Computer security
- Political science
- Tight slacks
- Definite maybe
- Pretty ugly
- Rap music
- Working vacation
- Religious tolerance
- Microsoft Works

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKINNIESOMEDAY 8/10/2012 2:24PM

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JAMARIGOLD 8/10/2012 10:09AM

    emoticon Thanks for the morning laugh!

PS How's about Jumbo Shrimp?

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IDLETYME 8/10/2012 9:34AM

    Those are great! Thanks for sharing! emoticon

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GRAMMAP1 8/10/2012 12:17AM

    Those are good. Brought me a emoticon emoticon

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NAYPOOIE 8/9/2012 3:10PM

    love the last one.

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SCOOTDOG 8/9/2012 2:39PM

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REDRUDY5 8/9/2012 1:25PM

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MISSDAISY23 8/9/2012 11:03AM

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I just shared this with hubby because I am from the east and he is from the west. I asked him if we are an oxymoron. He said, "Yes, you are an oxy and I'm a moron."
hehehe...


Comment edited on: 8/11/2012 3:23:40 PM

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TISTEN23 8/9/2012 10:57AM

    LOL!!! Thats got me laughin!!!!

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ALICERIEGER 8/9/2012 10:33AM

    Fun

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SUNSHINEGB 8/9/2012 10:10AM

    Good ones! emoticon

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MITECU 8/9/2012 9:04AM

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ATLTRAINR 8/9/2012 5:47AM

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BLUEKITTYJAN 8/9/2012 1:57AM

    You really worked at this. Wow! emoticon

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What was the baker thinking?

Monday, August 06, 2012

When my coworker Donsa was promoted, we decided to celebrate. Her boss called the baker and ordered a cake.

"Two questions," said the baker. "Is Donsa a man or a woman? And what do you want the cake to say?"

"The cake should read 'Congratulations'" the boss said. "Oh, and Donsa's a woman." The next day, the office celebrated with a cake that read "Congratulations--Donsa's a woman."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CJSARGENT1 8/8/2012 10:21AM

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ALICERIEGER 8/7/2012 1:59PM

    It's all about communcations.

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MISSDAISY23 8/7/2012 11:37AM

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ATLTRAINR 8/7/2012 5:28AM

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SCOOTDOG 8/6/2012 10:43PM

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COACHPENNY 8/6/2012 9:39PM

    That would be interesting water-cooler fodder.

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AQUAGIRL08 8/6/2012 6:59PM

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REDRUDY5 8/6/2012 6:11PM

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SUCCESS-AMT 8/6/2012 5:26PM

  I thinjk there was no real communication. He needed to just leave off that last par. Was the cake good? emoticon

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Eating Chocolate

Monday, August 06, 2012

Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ILOVETOCRUISE 8/9/2012 10:40AM

    l love this and it makes sense.

MRSVK11-I like this also.

emoticon emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 8/9/2012 10:34AM

    Perfect logic

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NAYPOOIE 8/7/2012 3:38PM

    Makes sense to me.

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CJSARGENT1 8/7/2012 11:14AM

    emoticon

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OCTOBERBORN 8/7/2012 8:40AM

    Love your logic! emoticon emoticon

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BLKLILY 8/6/2012 10:59PM

    cute emoticon

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MRSVK11 8/6/2012 7:09PM

    Love it !!! I've come up with the 4 new food groups...chocolate, caffine, sugar and chemicals if you eat a chocolate bar with a diet coke you cover all four food groups so it's a balanced meal... emoticon

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AQUAGIRL08 8/6/2012 7:00PM

    emoticon Thanks for the chuckle!

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BEARGODDESS 8/6/2012 5:13PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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COACHPENNY 8/6/2012 4:13PM

    STOP! I already had enough excuses to EAT MORE CHOCOLATE!

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