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Forbidden fruits create many jams

Friday, October 15, 2010

Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited Until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, But only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons Than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, But mosquitoes come close.

When you get to your wit's end, You'll find God lives there.

People are funny; they want the front of the bus, Middle of the road, And back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, But temptation bangs on the front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

If a church wants a better pastor, It only needs to pray for the one it has.

God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

Some minds are like concrete Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

I don't know why some people change churches; What difference does it make which one you stay home from?

A lot of church members singing 'Standing on the Promises' Are just sitting on the premises.

We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or Judges.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.

Stop, Drop, and Roll won't work in Hell.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!

If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

You can tell how big a person is By what it takes to discourage him.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2BEATIT1 10/16/2010 1:23PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Wonderful
Thoughts to ponder
Speaks to our hearts
Thanks for sharing
Jean

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EDWINA172 10/15/2010 9:46PM

    I love this! Thanks for sharing.

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CAROLYNVIL 10/15/2010 9:36PM

    great sayings ,loved them,thank you.

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SENIOR PARALYSIS

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 Employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it,and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead…well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SAMMY0328 10/15/2010 5:58PM

    Priceless!

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2BEATIT1 10/15/2010 1:11PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

This is just too funny. I'm not a techy either, but now I have the GPS down to a science.
We had a funny thing happen to us when we first got ours. We were heading for the Northern Cascade Mtns. The GPS said, 'Turn left here.' Well what an experience, we ended up in a cornfield with corn starks towering higher than our midsize car. Then the road turned into a rutted path. At the end the GPS told us to keep going, even though the sign said, "Not open to through traffic." By this time I was panicking since I was driving. My hubby said just go. To make a long story short, the route took us down the side of the mountain on a twisty turning narrow path.
The good thing, it finally got us to where we wanted to go but not without almost giving me a heart attack.
However now I love the GPS and it helped us get to know our province when we first moved here.
Thanks for sharing your funny story.

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TUTUNAN 10/14/2010 1:22AM

    What a good laugh. I'm too old for this technological age...

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DIANE7786 10/13/2010 11:19PM

    I know the feeling. Before I got all the new technology, I never realized the joy of solitude. I ditched all the new technology except for a basic cell phone. The off button is my favorite feature!

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GLORRE 10/13/2010 11:14PM

  I will have to quote you on the "bi-sacksual"! Good one.

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...THOUGHTS

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?'  She hit me.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.  If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?  AMEN, AMEN!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

APIRLRAIN888 10/11/2010 4:25AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
like the election one! and fat cells

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SLIMTHICK2 10/10/2010 6:15AM

    emoticon love your blog emoticon

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RENA1965 10/10/2010 2:56AM

    emoticon emoticon

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JUSGETTENBY42 10/10/2010 2:52AM

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I don't know why this tickles me so...

Sunday, October 03, 2010

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife.‰ He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANGELSANDYBABY 10/17/2010 6:55PM

    LOL!!!

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AUNTIEB82 10/17/2010 6:00PM

    Thats awesome!!!! emoticon

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BLUEFLOWERS 10/8/2010 6:52AM

    emoticon

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TEALADY0531 10/4/2010 12:03PM

    emoticon

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2BEATIT1 10/4/2010 11:59AM

    That gave me a smile. Perhaps the drunk was an angel unaware!

You just gave me an idea for today's blog.

Be blessed

Jean emoticon

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JURI62 10/4/2010 6:21AM

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Forgot the bait

Friday, October 01, 2010

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NWLIFESRC 10/1/2010 8:14AM

    Good one thanks

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