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SUNSHINE65's Recent Blog Entries

English Lecture

Saturday, June 16, 2012

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRANDMA624 6/16/2012 8:26PM

  emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 6/16/2012 10:33AM

    That is one exanple

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AZURELITE 6/16/2012 6:18AM

    So true!

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ANIMAL VETERINARY TREATMENTS

Thursday, June 14, 2012

When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me.

At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying a liter of cheap booze at ten o'clock in the morning, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog."

As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALICERIEGER 6/15/2012 10:34AM

    Maybe I should a pei

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SASIKHASI1 6/15/2012 12:51AM

    Poor doggie, but I bet the booze neutralizes the anti freeze. Drunk dogs are always the life of the party.

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UMBILICAL 6/14/2012 11:30PM

  Animal alcoholism! LOL

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WARNING!!!!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century quantum physics.

We therefore propose that the following list of warnings appears on every product offered for sale in the United States.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GARDENQE2 6/16/2012 12:33PM

    HEE! HEE!

I have a package of weed killer with long and complicated directiions. They end with this warning: If you are unable to read these directions, do not use this product!
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IDLETYME 6/16/2012 9:57AM

    You need to be a scientist to understand what they are saying!! emoticon emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 6/15/2012 10:38AM

    What would we do without science.

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AGE BAROMETER

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Total the number of these that you remember:

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 You're still young.

If you remembered 6-10 You are getting older.

If you remembered 11-15 Don't tell your age.

If you remembered 16-25 You're older than dirt!.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRANDMA624 6/15/2012 10:28AM

  I remember all. emoticon

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BUDDYSMYFRIEND 6/14/2012 3:41PM

    Well, I remember 'm all, so I guess I'm officially older than dirt. emoticon

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NAYPOOIE 6/14/2012 1:08PM

    We still have a drive-in here.

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ALICERIEGER 6/14/2012 10:31AM

    Guess I'm older than dirt,

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BEARGODDESS 6/14/2012 10:20AM

    AAAAaaaaahhhhh!! I remember all of those. emoticon

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Transportation in Heaven

Thursday, June 14, 2012

And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."

The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said- "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IDLETYME 6/16/2012 9:59AM

    That's sooo funny! emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 6/14/2012 10:35AM

    Oh dear!

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BEARGODDESS 6/14/2012 10:21AM

    emoticon

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LATTELEE 6/14/2012 1:17AM

  Funny!

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