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Thursday, April 26, 2012

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JACKH35 4/29/2012 10:56AM

    I'm 76 and it's hard to find a joke I haven't heard at least once. This one gave me a really good belly laugh.

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Thursday, April 26, 2012

1. You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your Oldsmobile.
2. Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 since Friday.
3. For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.
4. You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast made with Jim Beam.
5. Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
6. Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's VomitMan!"
7. The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
8. Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
9. Worried friends call mOnday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
10. you're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEEPHOTO 4/26/2012 4:35AM

    uh ... uh ... ok. emoticon

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TYLYNN61 4/26/2012 2:44AM

    OMG too funny hehehe emoticon

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The Priest and the Bum

Monday, April 23, 2012

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a subway one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."

"Geez, I'll be darned," uttered the drunk and returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized.

"I'm sorry son, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't, father. I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has arthritis.. "

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALICERIEGER 4/24/2012 10:36AM


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IDLETYME 4/24/2012 8:39AM

    Oh Oh!! emoticon

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MOMMA_BEAR_69 4/23/2012 8:44PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CJSARGENT1 4/23/2012 12:31PM


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EGALITAIRE 4/23/2012 12:05PM


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NAYPOOIE 4/23/2012 11:38AM


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HELEN_BRU 4/23/2012 10:35AM


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GRANDMA624 4/23/2012 8:52AM


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CAROLIAN 4/23/2012 2:16AM


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TDWANDD2MYK9 4/23/2012 1:41AM


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Drinking and driving

Sunday, April 22, 2012

All -
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RETURNTOTHIN 4/23/2012 9:14PM

    the question is,,,,, did you return the bus?

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MOMMA_BEAR_69 4/23/2012 8:40PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
This really had me laughing tonight. Thank you!!!

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NAYPOOIE 4/22/2012 1:39PM


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WILSON425 4/22/2012 11:12AM

    I hate when that happens! LOL

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HELEN_BRU 4/22/2012 10:47AM

    That reminds me of a story a famous Canadian sportswriter wrote - in the height of his alcoholism he and his cohorts stole a streetcar off the lot and drove it through the city of Toronto. So, it does happen! LOL

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GRAMPAM 4/22/2012 8:55AM

    Good Golly! That's funny! Have a great day!!!!

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ALICERIEGER 4/22/2012 8:40AM

    That is one way of 'taking' the bus

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Things I'd Like to Hear, Just Once

Sunday, April 22, 2012

From my auto mechanic:

"That part is much less expensive than I thought."

"I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do."

"You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street."

"It was just a loose wire. No charge." 

From my son's preschool teacher:

"Everyone misbehaved today except Michael."

"Michael traded his candy bar for carrot sticks."

"I wish we had 20 Michaels."

From a store clerk: 

"The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper."

"I'll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers."

"We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund, whichever you prefer." 

From my doctor:

"Of course I'll come by your house to check on you."

"Give me a call at home over the weekend if you're not feeling better."

"Sure, come on by this afternoon, we'll work you in."

"I'll call ahead and let them know the most you will pay for that test."

"Here, take these samples."

"Don't worry about it, there's no charge for that."

"I recommend you get a second opinion."

From a contractor:

"Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing."

"I think I came in a little high on that estimate." 

From my dentist:

"I think you're flossing too much."

"I won't ask you any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth."

From a restaurant server:

"I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you ask, it's Tim."

"I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip."

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VDALE4 4/25/2012 11:43AM

    Yes, those things would be nice to hear, I guess are pretty much in the past, especially the home doctor visits, once in a while you come across someone, that really cares about the service that they give, or how their remarks make you feel. Then it makes your day, when that happens. There are many out there like that, just have to be lucky, to find one I guess.

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WILSON425 4/22/2012 11:14AM

    And then you woke up. Right? LOL

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ALICERIEGER 4/22/2012 8:42AM

    wouldn't it be nice!

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NAYPOOIE 4/22/2012 3:10AM

    Dream on!

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