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Comfort in the night

Sunday, April 15, 2012

An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong. She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." she asked him "If I died tomorrow would you get remarried?" he said "Sure, I don't want to spend the rest of my life lonely." Then she asked "Well would you two live in this house?" He replied "Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage." She asked again, angry now "Well would she sleep in this bed?" He snickered and said "Yes, of course; this bed is brand new and expensive; there's no reason to rid of it." She asked irately, "Well would she use my golf clubs?" He replied with a straight, serious face, "Heck, no. She's left handed."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMMA_BEAR_69 4/19/2012 1:47AM

    emoticon Sometimes it just doesn't pay to comment. emoticon

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WINTERHARTT 4/16/2012 12:01PM

    And people wonder why I like being divorced?? emoticon

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NAYPOOIE 4/16/2012 10:06AM

    Well, she's not scared anymore!

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ALICERIEGER 4/16/2012 9:19AM

    Wow!

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WILSON425 4/16/2012 7:31AM

    emoticon

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Theory of M&M Evolution

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.

To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARYB73 4/15/2012 5:56PM

    I love all your blogs.

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NAYPOOIE 4/15/2012 1:23PM

    hmmm, do the losers melt in your hand?

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ALICERIEGER 4/15/2012 10:44AM

    Anything to improve the species.

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GRANDMA624 4/15/2012 10:01AM

  I guess I'll have to get some M&M's and try emoticon You are very funny!!

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TURKEYPEPPERONI 4/15/2012 9:05AM

   

Hahahhahahahahhahahahahahhaa.... you're a hoot !!!!!!

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HELEN_BRU 4/15/2012 7:24AM

    Who has the time to come up with these things? Just hilarious!

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NEVERMIND2010 4/15/2012 5:19AM

    This is hysterical!

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A Gift from the Sheriff

Sunday, April 15, 2012

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILSON425 4/15/2012 12:50PM

    Good idea! emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 4/15/2012 10:46AM

    Always more than one way to skin a cat (or chop wood)

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GRANDMA624 4/15/2012 10:03AM

  emoticon

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MRE1956 4/15/2012 5:18AM

    emoticon

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DFROMTX 4/15/2012 5:14AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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4 YEAR OLDS

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Ever notice how  a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?   Several  years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning.  As I came into my bedroom about 2a.m.,  I found my two children in bed with my wife Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
  After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" 
      "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

* * * * * * *
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter.  On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's.  May I take your order?"

* * * * * * *
 A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."  Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."

* * * * * * *
 At the beginning  of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"  The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALICERIEGER 4/16/2012 9:23AM

    Out of the mouth's of babes.

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WILSON425 4/15/2012 12:52PM

    Ya gotta love these!

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GLC2009 4/15/2012 1:26AM

    i love 4 year olds. they are the best.

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FITFORMYFAMILY 4/14/2012 8:58PM

    Your blog title caught my eye, since I have a 4-year-old. If you want another little smile, please feel free to visit one of my blogs from last summer --
http://www.sparkpeople.com/my
page_public_journal_individual.
asp?blog_id=4296591

Thanks for the smiles!

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Shopping for Men

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILSON425 4/15/2012 12:57PM

    LMAO! My bf holds the record for cordless drills and has 7 chainsaws! I don't know why! emoticon

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WINTERHARTT 4/14/2012 12:46PM

    Wow...this hits the nail on the head! LOL Love it!
emoticon

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MRSVK11 4/14/2012 9:10AM

    Loved it!! emoticon

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BOB240 4/14/2012 2:25AM

    yes..I had to but my own chainsaw... but the garden looks so much better without trees

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