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Differences between men and women

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GENRE009 3/17/2014 10:34AM

    These are great!

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MOMMA_BEAR_69 4/19/2012 1:48AM

    emoticon emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 4/17/2012 12:01PM


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SKMINNY 4/17/2012 11:20AM

    Oh my gosh that is great! love it

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HELEN_BRU 4/17/2012 9:22AM

    Some of those really hit the mark!

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Comfort in the night

Sunday, April 15, 2012

An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong. She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." she asked him "If I died tomorrow would you get remarried?" he said "Sure, I don't want to spend the rest of my life lonely." Then she asked "Well would you two live in this house?" He replied "Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage." She asked again, angry now "Well would she sleep in this bed?" He snickered and said "Yes, of course; this bed is brand new and expensive; there's no reason to rid of it." She asked irately, "Well would she use my golf clubs?" He replied with a straight, serious face, "Heck, no. She's left handed."

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMMA_BEAR_69 4/19/2012 1:47AM

    emoticon Sometimes it just doesn't pay to comment. emoticon

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WINTERHARTT 4/16/2012 12:01PM

    And people wonder why I like being divorced?? emoticon

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NAYPOOIE 4/16/2012 10:06AM

    Well, she's not scared anymore!

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ALICERIEGER 4/16/2012 9:19AM


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WILSON425 4/16/2012 7:31AM


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Theory of M&M Evolution

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.

To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARYB73 4/15/2012 5:56PM

    I love all your blogs.

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NAYPOOIE 4/15/2012 1:23PM

    hmmm, do the losers melt in your hand?

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ALICERIEGER 4/15/2012 10:44AM

    Anything to improve the species.

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GRANDMA624 4/15/2012 10:01AM

  I guess I'll have to get some M&M's and try emoticon You are very funny!!

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Hahahhahahahahhahahahahahhaa.... you're a hoot !!!!!!

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HELEN_BRU 4/15/2012 7:24AM

    Who has the time to come up with these things? Just hilarious!

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NEVERMIND2010 4/15/2012 5:19AM

    This is hysterical!

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A Gift from the Sheriff

Sunday, April 15, 2012

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILSON425 4/15/2012 12:50PM

    Good idea! emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 4/15/2012 10:46AM

    Always more than one way to skin a cat (or chop wood)

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GRANDMA624 4/15/2012 10:03AM


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MRE1956 4/15/2012 5:18AM


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DFROMTX 4/15/2012 5:14AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Saturday, April 14, 2012

Ever notice how  a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?   Several  years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning.  As I came into my bedroom about 2a.m.,  I found my two children in bed with my wife Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
  After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" 
      "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

* * * * * * *
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter.  On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's.  May I take your order?"

* * * * * * *
 A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."  Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."

* * * * * * *
 At the beginning  of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"  The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALICERIEGER 4/16/2012 9:23AM

    Out of the mouth's of babes.

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WILSON425 4/15/2012 12:52PM

    Ya gotta love these!

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GLC2009 4/15/2012 1:26AM

    i love 4 year olds. they are the best.

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    Your blog title caught my eye, since I have a 4-year-old. If you want another little smile, please feel free to visit one of my blogs from last summer --

Thanks for the smiles!

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