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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes...

Friday, April 06, 2012

to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WENDYJM4 4/7/2012 1:58AM

    wow. to late to plan LOL

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FITANDFIFTY2 4/7/2012 12:17AM

    Lol.. loved it! Happy Easter!! emoticon

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KNITTINGNAN 4/7/2012 12:11AM

  Your jokes often leave me speechless....On the other hand...

That same man went to see his doctor because he could not control his farting. The doctor politely listened to his problem and left the room. When he returned he was carrying a long pole with a large hook at the end of it. Shocked, the man stood up and asked the doctor what he was going to do. Calmly the doctor responded, "I'm opening the window. It stinks in here!"

HAPPY EASTER!!

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Managers' Quotes

Friday, April 06, 2012

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:



- As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)



- What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)



- E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)



- This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

- Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)



- Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)



- We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)



- One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WHITE_ELEPHANT 4/7/2012 1:59PM

    Haha Dilbert much?? Thanks for sharing the jokes! We can use some lightness around SP :)

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ALICERIEGER 4/7/2012 10:12AM

    Sounds like someone failed their communication class.

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CJSARGENT1 4/6/2012 10:53AM

    emoticon

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RANDOM00B 4/6/2012 9:53AM

    Wow--the one from Microsoft was crazy. I needed a good chuckle today; thanks for posting !! emoticon

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GRANDMA624 4/6/2012 9:32AM

  emoticon

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ROSGETSSERIOUS 4/6/2012 3:16AM

    emoticon. emoticon love them!

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Air Bashing

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NAYPOOIE 4/5/2012 12:15PM

    Great!

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HELEN_BRU 4/5/2012 12:01PM

    Good one!

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ALICERIEGER 4/5/2012 8:40AM

    Love it!

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KICK-SS 4/4/2012 11:22PM

    Funny!!!!!

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Signs You've had too much of the 21st Century.

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.


2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 


3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.


4. You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch. 


5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the U.S., but you haven't spoken to your next-door-neighbor yet this year. 


6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have an e-mail address. 

7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
8.You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person.


9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.


10. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 


11. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."


12. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" 


13. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.


14. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
15. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your College roommate used to play. 


16. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 

17. You checked your blow-dryer to see if it was Y2K compliant. 


18. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 


19. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.


20. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MZZCHIEF 4/4/2012 10:23AM

    So true!

The one constant in Life is Change.

: )
Mzzchief

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HELEN_BRU 4/4/2012 8:27AM

    Good ones!

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DFROMTX 4/4/2012 5:01AM

    I remember working in an office when my children were small without: a microwave, cell phone, daycare, computer, dishwasher, etc. In other words during the "dark ages". emoticon

Makes you wonder what the next century will be like.

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PPRICE62 4/4/2012 2:19AM

  This is very true. Some funny though Lol!


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SLIMINMIND 4/4/2012 2:06AM

    I know were your are coming from. Years ago I didnt type and I didn't if I would get the whole internet thing. I was wrong and I love this thing! A couple years ago I was in the west and I was out of cell range :) We were playing " who gets the most bars the fastest. LOL

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PRICELESS TREASURES

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

An anthropologist shows off his priceless trove of treasure to his saintly grandmother. "What's that?" she asks, pointing to an oddly shaped item.

"Uh..." stammers the anthropologist, "it's a phallic symbol."

"Oh," says his grandmother, nodding her head. "That's good, 'cause I hate to tell you what it looks like."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALICERIEGER 4/5/2012 8:42AM

    I understand that grandmother totally.

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