SUNSHINE65   56,266
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SUNSHINE65's Recent Blog Entries

Borrowed the Car

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALICERIEGER 3/21/2012 6:06PM

    Wow!

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HELEN_BRU 3/20/2012 2:33PM

    Should have seen that coming! It's funny when it happens to other people. emoticon

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Business first

Monday, March 19, 2012

My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.

Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALICERIEGER 3/20/2012 10:06AM

    Fast thinking!

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I Can Drive a Stick

Monday, March 19, 2012

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAMPCOULTER 3/19/2012 11:03PM

    Congrats! Glad you Joined the Club emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 3/19/2012 10:35PM

    That is the kind of stick I can handle!

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GRANDMA624 3/19/2012 8:41AM

  emoticon emoticon

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HELEN_BRU 3/19/2012 8:33AM

    Love it! emoticon

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NAYPOOIE 3/19/2012 2:41AM

    Been doing it for years.

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CHIBIKARATE 3/19/2012 2:24AM

    ha ha ha so can I to funny enjoy your day fiilled with laughter and huggzzz

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Gotta Love The Irish

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' 
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. 
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' 
The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes..   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'


Paddy was in  New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.  'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.   'Where are ye callin' from?'


An Irish priest is driving down to  New York    and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.  
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?' 
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'


Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. 
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.. 
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kath leen staring at him from across the room. 
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ........ it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RAWHIDE64 3/18/2012 1:02PM

    Great! I agree - last is best.

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GRANDMA624 3/18/2012 9:13AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 3/18/2012 5:14AM

    great!

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WILSON425 3/17/2012 11:01AM

    I liked them all but the last one was the best. emoticon

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HELEN_BRU 3/17/2012 10:49AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NAYPOOIE 3/17/2012 3:12AM

    last is best

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Doctor Ho Chi Minh Fernandez Gomez!

Friday, March 16, 2012

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: No problem! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Corona in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Buenos dios Amigos

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILSON425 3/17/2012 11:05AM

    Great. English is my only language! I'm doomed.

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GRANDMA624 3/17/2012 9:07AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AZURELITE 3/16/2012 10:07AM

    emoticon

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HELEN_BRU 3/16/2012 8:06AM

    emoticon

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MOIRA48 3/16/2012 5:56AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

This is great! Just the giggle I needed to start my day! emoticon

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