SUNSHINE65   65,206
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Gotta Love The Irish

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' 
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. 
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' 
The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes..   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'


Paddy was in  New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.  'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.   'Where are ye callin' from?'


An Irish priest is driving down to  New York    and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.  
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?' 
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'


Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. 
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.. 
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kath leen staring at him from across the room. 
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ........ it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RAWHIDE64 3/18/2012 1:02PM

    Great! I agree - last is best.

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GRANDMA624 3/18/2012 9:13AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 3/18/2012 5:14AM

    great!

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WILSON425 3/17/2012 11:01AM

    I liked them all but the last one was the best. emoticon

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HELEN_BRU 3/17/2012 10:49AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NAYPOOIE 3/17/2012 3:12AM

    last is best

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Doctor Ho Chi Minh Fernandez Gomez!

Friday, March 16, 2012

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: No problem! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Corona in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Buenos dios Amigos

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WILSON425 3/17/2012 11:05AM

    Great. English is my only language! I'm doomed.

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GRANDMA624 3/17/2012 9:07AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AZURELITE 3/16/2012 10:07AM

    emoticon

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HELEN_BRU 3/16/2012 8:06AM

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MOIRA48 3/16/2012 5:56AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

This is great! Just the giggle I needed to start my day! emoticon

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We actually have come an incredible distance in 3 years!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

my.barackobama.com/road-traveled-inv

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RAWHIDE64 3/19/2012 9:51AM

   




Comment edited on: 3/20/2012 5:35:41 AM

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ALICERIEGER 3/18/2012 5:32AM

    Very interesting.

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CEELEE53 3/16/2012 4:20PM

    Love these! Thanks for sharing. Against incredible odds, he's been a great leader. Not perfect...but there is greatness in him. I have to believe the next four years will allow him to get even more accomplished.

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EVWINGS 3/16/2012 1:38PM

    Thank you so much! So many have forgotten so much and this was a real reminder.

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BRIDIE5 3/16/2012 1:06PM

  Thanks from me too!

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COACHPENNY 3/16/2012 12:04PM

    Thanks for posting this.....I will pass it along. This is our President...it makes me SO proud! emoticon

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Classified Goof-Ups

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,you'll never go anywhere again. 

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. 


Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.


Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. 


Stock up and save. Limit: one. 


Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale 


3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.


Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.


Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 


For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.


Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. 


For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. 


Great Dames for sale.


Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MI-ELLKAYBEE 3/19/2012 12:15PM

    emoticon

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ALPHASENIOR 3/16/2012 2:40PM

    Looks like you really have it in for children.

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MOIRA48 3/16/2012 6:02AM

    emoticon

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NAYPOOIE 3/15/2012 11:19PM

    Nice that grandma is doing well.

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CJSARGENT1 3/15/2012 10:44PM

    emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 3/15/2012 10:51AM

    Fun! Thanks

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GRANDMA624 3/15/2012 9:18AM

  You always have the cutest blogs emoticon

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ELLEJAY7 3/15/2012 7:18AM

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WILSON425 3/15/2012 6:17AM

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NCSUE0514 3/15/2012 5:50AM

    LOL!

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You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When...

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you


*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked


*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth


*You sleep with your eyes open


*You have to watch videos in fast-forward


*You lick your coffee pot clean


*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze


*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse


*You can type sixty words a minute with your feet


*You can jump-start your car without cables


*Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low" 


*You don't sweat, you percolate
*You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug


*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee


*You've worn the finish off you coffee table


*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you


*Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house


*You're so wired you pick up FM radio


*Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans"


*Instant coffee takes too long


*You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can


*You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar" 


*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position


*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RAWHIDE64 3/16/2012 9:11AM

    Yup, that's me, except that I don't have cats. emoticon

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MRSVK11 3/14/2012 8:03PM

    I do think that coffee is the elixir of life but I'm not quite as bad off as I thought.

emoticon

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BARCLE 3/14/2012 1:31PM

    emoticon emoticon

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GERIKRAGH 3/14/2012 11:53AM

    I like coffee, just not that much!

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ALICERIEGER 3/14/2012 11:25AM

    I'm on my way there. Thanks

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GRANDMA624 3/14/2012 11:23AM

  I'm a coffee drinker, but not this bad. emoticon emoticon

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MI-ELLKAYBEE 3/14/2012 10:37AM

    This DEFINED me til I started SparkPeople and found out tea counts as water. Now I drink about 20 cups of tea a day, plus one coffee, and "some" plain water. I am still a coffee-holic in my heart!
emoticon

emoticon vs emoticon or both????

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FIT-HEALTHY1 3/14/2012 9:30AM

    Really cute post. Thanks for the smile today! I love coffee by the way. emoticon

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