SUNSHINE65   50,071
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SUNSHINE65's Recent Blog Entries

THE REALISM ACTOR

Saturday, February 25, 2012

A man went into the pet shop, "I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said.

"I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled."

"I'm not sure a stuffed parrot would be okay," said the customer. "I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible."

"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine," said the pet shop owner. "I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it."

"Sorry," said the customer, "I can't make it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALICERIEGER 2/28/2012 8:49AM

    A Little to realistic I think.

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HELEN_BRU 2/26/2012 2:34AM

    Funny!

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USEFUL WORK PHRASES

Saturday, February 25, 2012

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message .

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ECOVEG 2/26/2012 11:46PM

    awesome. stealing.

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GRANDMA624 2/26/2012 7:12PM

  emoticon emoticon

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NAYPOOIE 2/26/2012 2:13PM

    I'm going to have to use these.

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REDRUDY5 2/26/2012 1:05AM

  emoticon

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Cook's Helper

Saturday, February 25, 2012



If it's too small to read, click this link:

www.arcamax.com/thefunnies/pickles/

  


The Family Maid

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her. 



She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.



"But why?" asked the disappointed wife. 



She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."



The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."



She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.



After another year, though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.



In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby.

She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time." 



"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.



"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."

emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRANDMA624 2/24/2012 8:27AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 2/21/2012 5:49PM

    That's one way of getting out of picking up after your kids.

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BARCLE 2/21/2012 4:25PM

    emoticon emoticon

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SHIRLANGEL 2/21/2012 2:11PM

    emoticon

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NURSEA32 2/21/2012 9:37AM

    LMAO...this was cute

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Allee Oop!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRANDMA624 2/25/2012 8:30AM

  emoticon emoticon

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DREAMNSCHEME 2/23/2012 2:54PM

    lol, thanks for sharing!

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HELEN_BRU 2/23/2012 9:22AM

    Nice way to start the day!

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ALICERIEGER 2/21/2012 8:07AM

    Thanks

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DRB13_1 2/21/2012 12:23AM

    funny

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DWILCZKO 2/21/2012 12:12AM

  :)

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