Sunday, February 05, 2012
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, ads, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”
Sunday, February 05, 2012
Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that old fool!" she exclaimed. "I knew I should have put the money in the basement."
Sunday, February 05, 2012
I read an article called 7 things a 7-year-old could convince congress are vegetables. Congress has already declared that the tomato sauce on Pizza is a vegetable. So here’s the gist of the article:
CHOCOLATE: comes from a bean, so it must be a vegetable. (And so’s my morning cup of joe!)
POPCORN: Well, it does come from corn...
MAPLE SYRUP: Comes from a tree with leaves, so this is basically a green salad!
PICKLE DORITOS: 2 vegetables: cucumbers & corn!
KETCHUP: Okay, tomatoes. And Sugar (high fructose corn syrup) from CORN!
ONION RINGS: 3 vegetables if you have fries and ketchup with it.
CANDY CORN: & candy pumpkins. A good mix of orange, yellow, white & green vegetables.
Get your kids or grandkids to come up with more!
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
- You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
- The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
- Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
- It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
- You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
- Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
- When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
- You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
- You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
- Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
- You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
- Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
- A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
- You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
August 7, 1865
To My Old Master, Colonel P.H. Anderson, Big Spring, Tennessee
Sir: I got your letter, and was glad to find that you had not forgotten Jourdon, and that you wanted me to come back and live with you again, promising to do better for me than anybody else can. I have often felt uneasy about you. I thought the Yankees would have hung you long before this, for harboring Rebs they found at your house. I suppose they never heard about your going to Colonel Martin's to kill the Union soldier that was left by his company in their stable. Although you shot at me twice before I left you, I did not want to hear of your being hurt, and am glad you are still living. It would do me good to go back to the dear old home again, and see Miss Mary and Miss Martha and Allen, Esther, Green, and Lee. Give my love to them all, and tell them I hope we will meet in the better world, if not in this. I would have gone back to see you all when I was working in the Nashville Hospital, but one of the neighbors told me that Henry intended to shoot me if he ever got a chance.
I want to know particularly what the good chance is you propose to give me. I am doing tolerably well here. I get twenty-five dollars a month, with victuals and clothing; have a comfortable home for Mandy,—the folks call her Mrs. Anderson,—and the children—Milly, Jane, and Grundy—go to school and are learning well. The teacher says Grundy has a head for a preacher. They go to Sunday school, and Mandy and me attend church regularly. We are kindly treated. Sometimes we overhear others saying, "Them colored people were slaves" down in Tennessee. The children feel hurt when they hear such remarks; but I tell them it was no disgrace in Tennessee to belong to Colonel Anderson. Many darkeys would have been proud, as I used to be, to call you master. Now if you will write and say what wages you will give me, I will be better able to decide whether it would be to my advantage to move back again.
As to my freedom, which you say I can have, there is nothing to be gained on that score, as I got my free papers in 1864 from the Provost-Marshal-General of the Department of Nashville. Mandy says she would be afraid to go back without some proof that you were disposed to treat us justly and kindly; and we have concluded to test your sincerity by asking you to send us our wages for the time we served you. This will make us forget and forgive old scores, and rely on your justice and friendship in the future. I served you faithfully for thirty-two years, and Mandy twenty years. At twenty-five dollars a month for me, and two dollars a week for Mandy, our earnings would amount to eleven thousand six hundred and eighty dollars. Add to this the interest for the time our wages have been kept back, and deduct what you paid for our clothing, and three doctor's visits to me, and pulling a tooth for Mandy, and the balance will show what we are in justice entitled to. Please send the money by Adams's Express, in care of V. Winters, Esq., Dayton, Ohio. If you fail to pay us for faithful labors in the past, we can have little faith in your promises in the future. We trust the good Maker has opened your eyes to the wrongs which you and your fathers have done to me and my fathers, in making us toil for you for generations without recompense. Here I draw my wages every Saturday night; but in Tennessee there was never any pay-day for the negroes any more than for the horses and cows. Surely there will be a day of reckoning for those who defraud the laborer of his hire.
In answering this letter, please state if there would be any safety for my Milly and Jane, who are now grown up, and both good-looking girls. You know how it was with poor Matilda and Catherine. I would rather stay here and starve—and die, if it come to that—than have my girls brought to shame by the violence and wickedness of their young masters. You will also please state if there has been any schools opened for the colored children in your neighborhood. The great desire of my life now is to give my children an education, and have them form virtuous habits.
Say howdy to George Carter, and thank him for taking the pistol from you when you were shooting at me.
From your old servant,
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