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An Accident Report

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I am writing in response to your request for “additional information.” In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning” as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROSALIEESTHER 8/11/2011 11:17AM

    All ok now I trust. That's a whole lot of weight to lose quickly.

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MARYB73 8/10/2011 10:30PM

    Funny, as usual. I love your blogs.

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NTSOHLTHNT 8/10/2011 7:56PM

    Oh, that is so, so funny! Thanks so much for the laugh!

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AZURELITE 8/10/2011 1:08PM

    I haven't seen that story in a long time! Thanks for posting it as it always makes me laugh!!!

And it reminds me of the tale of the fellow jumps out of the airplane but can't get his parachute to open. On the way down, he meets another fellow going up.

"Do you know anything about parachutes?" he asks frantically.

"No", the other man replies. "Do you know anything about gas barbecues?! "

Have a fun day!!!



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ALICERIEGER 8/10/2011 10:14AM

    I would have to agree - poor planning was the basic cause.

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2BEATIT1 8/10/2011 9:24AM

    Sorry I was not aware of your accident. Trust you are getting better.
Jean

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MRE1956 8/10/2011 8:21AM

    Oh, dear.....

emoticon

(I and my family are also hams.....)

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Bubba's striptease

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Cletus is passing by Bubba's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Bubba doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old orange Kubota tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing, Bubba?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Bubba. "But me'n the ol' lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

[ Don 't make me come explain this to you. Read the last line again, slowly and out loud] I think Bubba might be a blonde.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROSALIEESTHER 8/13/2011 3:20AM

    Good one! emoticon

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IDLETYME 8/2/2011 8:36AM

    Great one! My morning wake up giggle. Thanks! emoticon emoticon

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SHORTY_G 8/1/2011 10:50PM

    bahahahahaa hilarious!!!

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MRSJERRYBUSH 8/1/2011 10:33AM

    The title sure got my attention! emoticon

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GRANDMA624 8/1/2011 9:39AM

  emoticon emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 8/1/2011 7:52AM

    Classic!! You have done it again.

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AZURELITE 8/1/2011 7:43AM

    LOL!

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LADYJ6942 7/31/2011 10:08PM

    ha ha
love it
lol

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Ornithology test

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRSJERRYBUSH 8/8/2011 10:55AM

    Cute story--guess we can't be judged by our "parts."

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CAROLYNVIL 7/31/2011 7:40PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NTSOHLTHNT 7/31/2011 7:29PM

    Lol! Funny!!!!

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ALICERIEGER 7/31/2011 2:18PM

    Love your blogs. Always get a good laugh.

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MARYB73 7/30/2011 10:05PM

    Funny!!!!

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I'm Gonna Be Late Because...

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down Walmart.

- If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

- I prefer to remain an enigma.

- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

- I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source, exactly e*log(pi), of the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALICERIEGER 7/27/2011 6:39AM

    Another good blog! Thanks.

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LUCKYPRESENCE 7/26/2011 11:48PM

    Very good blog!! Can't stop laughing- just what I needed to read today. Thanks emoticon

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Political Quotes

Sunday, July 24, 2011

"I resent your insinuendoes."

"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle

"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."

"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."

"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROSALIEESTHER 8/1/2011 7:53PM

    And it's getting worse and worse and mean spirited too.

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GRANDMA624 7/26/2011 8:22AM

  emoticon emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 7/25/2011 12:14AM

    You have done it again. Makes you wonder doesn't it?

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